A fan fiction for the Fortnight Fiction Fwooper Madness Challenge No. 1


Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Harry Potter series. I do not own Doritos, though I like to eat them.


It all began when everything magical started happening. I was six years old on that fateful, stormy day, when Dudley had his first bag of Doritos. Of course, he wouldn’t share. I wished really hard that Dudley’s chip would try to eat him back, but it came after me! CRASH! Lightning surrounded the house, but I ran outside anyway. The lightning struck the chip. I stood their in horror as Dudley waddled out as fast as his fat little legs could carry him and he fell over in shock as his chip had been burned to a crisp. He started crying like a little girl. I remember it like it was yesterday. My ultimate fear is Doritos. Not Voldemort -- Doritos.

We are sitting on the train as I reflect this, on our way to Hogwarts. Hermione is whispering under her breath. She’s saying, “Ten boxes of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavored Beans? Well I never!” every five seconds because Ron did just that. Bought ten boxes of Bertie Bott’s, anyway.

“Hermione!!” Ron whines.

“Would you like some cheese with that whine? Really Ron, what do you expect? Congratulations? It doesn’t take that much candy to get a stomach ache!” Hermione yelled back.

“Do you two ever stop fighting? We know you guys love each other already so stop trying to hide it by screaming at each other every second of the day!” I scream this a little too loudly. Ron turns a bright shade of red, to match his hair and Hermione glares at me and goes back to whispering under her breath. We don’t talk for the rest of the trip, even when Ron throws up all his candy.

**************

At the Sorting ceremony, we’re witnessing a very nerdy kid who is short with blonde hair, Jonathan Millings, get sorted into Hufflepuff. He’s the type who always has a cold, and he’s sitting kind of close to me, sniffing because he has no tissues. It’s really getting on my nerves. I turn around and glare at him. Another first year pokes him.

“Jon,” he says. (It seems this kid is his friend.) “I think that guy’s glaring at you.”

“REALLY?” I say sarcastically, and Jon turns around.

“Oh yeah, that’s Harry Potter,” he informs his friend.

“Like that matters,” I say back as he does a double-take, stammering my name. “You’ll get over it.”

I hand him a box of tissues that I’ve summoned from some place in the castle. I continue to eat until Dumbledore clears our plates with a swift flick of his hand. He stands up and waits for us to finish talking or complaining about still being hungry.

“This year, the school will have a Muggle invention called a snack machine. It will include Muggle snacks that you know and love so you can enjoy your junk food here at Hogwarts.”

Dumbledore directs at Ron and me -- we suggested it, after all. He proceeds to tell us that we need to use our own money for it, and it will be near the Charms classroom. Well, frankly, duh about the money. Some wizards and witches are so ignorant about Muggle things.

“Wonderful. Now Ronald can throw up all the time!” Hermione groans, rolling her eyes.

“You know I can’t, Hermione,” he retorts, turning red for the second time tonight.

“Hey, cheer up!” I say to him. “It’s a new term. You know what that means: new ways to torture Snape!”

As Hermione begins to mumble something about house points, Ron gives me a devious and satisfied grin and turns back to Dumbledore.

“And last but not least-” he begins, but we cut him off.

“THE FORBIDDEN FOREST IS FORBIDDEN TO ALL STUDENTS, WE KNOW!!”

Dumbledore doesn’t say anything to us, though Snape looks satisfied, I wonder why, and McGonagall looks outraged. He raises an eyebrow and continues.

“Mr. Filch would like me to note that the first years should check the list of banned items, which can be found in his office; it includes dung bombs. He would also like me to tell you that following in Fred and George Weasley’s footsteps will not get you on his good side. I however, think that would be rather entertaining.”

He directs this at the several students who groaned at mention of the ban list.

“Now, off to your common rooms. First years, follow the prefects. Goodnight!”

There is a sudden rush for the door.

**************

“Charms first, Harry,” Ron says to me as Ginny hands him his schedule. He then pauses to think and glares and Ginny. “Gin, aren’t I supposed to be handing these out?”

“Yes, Ronald, but you were too lazy to go get them from McGonagall so I volunteered,” she said to him saucily. She flipped her hair at us and continued to hand Gryffindors their schedules.

“She is so cheeky,” Ron says to me as he glares resentfully at his only female sibling.

“She is not, Ron,” I say defensively.

“What is she then?”

“Hot.” My eyes widen, and it’s my turn to turn red as I realize what I’ve revealed.

“S’okay, mate," he says to me, laughing at my expression. I shift uncomfortably in my chair as Ron continues to laugh at me.

“Oh, shut up.” I dump my orange juice on him and he stops laughing. Success. “Where’s Hermione?” I ask, trying to change the subject.

Ron shrugs.

“You’re a load of help Ron, really. Lavender, do you know where Hermione is?”

Lavender Brown is sitting across from me, writing a letter. The handsome quill that she’s using is pink. Like, hot pink. It’s kind of scary. When she finishes writing, she finally speaks up.

“She’s in the library, ALREADY!” she says, as if Hermione is digging her grave. “You like my quill? It’s from a fwooper bird.” She says this in a great imitation of Hermione’s know-it-all voice.

“It rocks. I’ll read up on that,” I say, totally uninterested. I motion for Ron to get up. “Good-bye, Lavender.”

Ron and I head toward the library. As we walk there, I randomly say something to Ron. “You know what? That stupid little first year, Jon I think, was sniffing AGAIN.”

“Get over it, Harry. Before I have to make an annoying nickname for you, like HARey.”

I glare at him.

“Oh, I will,” I say as we arrive at the library. Hermione’s whispering “Bertie Bott’s Every Flavored Beans” under her breath again.

“What’s your malufunction?” he demands of her.

“Huh?” Hermione says to him, looking up.

Ron throws up his hands and stomps off.

“I was reading up on candy so I can tell Ronald off more,” she tells me brightly. “What’s in his hair?”

“I’ll explain later,” I say and sigh at her. “C’mon, we have Charms.”

As we walk up she continues to complain about things like candy and junk food. Ron is already there, oohing and ahhing at the snack machine. Then I see them. Seamus has them, Parvati has them. Hell, even Ron has them. Lightning crashes upon the school grounds. They all had Doritos. I breathe in deeply and close my eyes.

“What’s wrong, Harry?” Hermione asks

“Oh, NOTHING!!” I scream at her.

“Oh, OK,” she says, and we walk into Charms.

**************

The challenge can be found on the Muggle Net Fan Fiction beta boards. Please review! This has to be done somewhat quickly, by Christmas!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Harry Potter series. I do not own Doritos, though I like to eat them. I don’t own the chicken dance.




So I sit down next to Ron. He gives me this concerned look, and then pays attention to Flitwick. For once, he’s paying attention and now is the worst time. I groan at him. He’s still eating those Doritos.
“What’d I do now?” he asks. He’s giving me that look. Y’know the one you get when you’re yelling at someone for doing the right thing. I look from his face to his Doritos bag, and back to his face. “What? You don’t like these things? They’re great! Try one!!” he holds the bag out to me and I shudder. Unluckily for me, Malfoy and one of his goddamned cronies are sitting behind me. So now they know. Great. How torturous are they going to be to me? I can’t concentrate on our advanced cheering charms, though I could use one right now.

************************************************************************

Today, November 1st, is going perfectly. Really it is. NOT. Malfoy just met me in the hall. If I don’t lose our quidditch match tomorrow, he’s going to tell the entire school about my Doritos fear! Screw that. I’m not letting that ego eccentric freak win. First I forget about quiddich starting early. Now this? AAAHHHHHHH! Oh, about quiddich, a happy dance for me, I’m captain!! Tryouts were held last week. Ron’s still the keeper. I’m still the seeker. Ginny is a chaser along with Alana Spinnet, Alicia’s younger sister, and Molly Etalon. I had to get rid of the oafs that were on the team last year for beaters. The replacements are Eric Leland and James Millings. Yup you guessed it, Jon’s brother. Hopefully growing out of geekiness runs in the family. I walk to the common room, seeing as it is Friday and I don’t have a class. The afternoon is free for students today. I found Ron. I put a charm on myself to make me sound like Hermione, we learned it last year.
“Ronald Weasley!” I say, screaming at him. The voice is weird coming from my mouth, but seeing Ron’s expression is way worth it.
“What’d I do now?” Ron whines “stop yelling at me!” he turns around as he says this. When he doesn’t see Hermione he freaks out. “OHMIGOD what happened? Harry? I thought Hermione said something!”
“I did.” I tell him. Then he starts freaking out. Again. I take the charm off my self and begin to laugh.
“Is a heart attack all I get from my best friend?” he says to me.
“Yep.” I say back. I run up our dormitory laughing still as he follows, cursing and throwing things at me. I get my broom and fly out the window. He reminds me of his mother, because he’s waggling his finger at me out the window now.

******

Those Doritos are really getting to me. I’m thinking about asking Dumbledore to let me murder their yummy cheesiness! I MUST I MUST I MUST!! But whatever. They’re freaking me out and they need to die! Shall I ask? Yes I shall. I ponder this as I walk alone to Potions. I am late again.

**************************
Well that went well. *Flash back* I’m walking to Dumbledore’s office and I call to him. Sounds all like, slash-y and pedophile-y but it’s not.
“Professor,” I start.
“What is it Harry?” he asks.
“Can you take Doritos out of the snack machine?”
“I’m afraid not Harry. Why don’t you like them, they are quite delightful, try one!” He holds out the bag to me and I scream and try to run away. “Calm down Harry. Why don’t you like them?” he asks me. I relive the horror of the burnt chip, the screaming and even the lightning.
“I see your point Harry, but still I cannot take them out.” he tells me.
“Why not?” I ask him.
“Because, Harry, it is ever so delightful to see Professor Snape do the chicken dance whenever he eats them.” the twinkle in his eye makes me laugh even more than the sentence itself. He walks with me down to dinner which is where I am now. *End of flash back*
I’m eating dinner with Hermione, Ron, and Neville and we’re doing what we normally do talking. Or in Ron’s case stuffing our mouths full of food. Neville’s actually being social, it’s about time, we’re six effing teen for god’s sake. What the hell? Malfoy is walking towards the head table. He’s wearing a monkey suit, but you can still see his platinum blonde hair. He’s making monkey sounds at us. So we laugh our heads off! Now he’s giving us his stupid little glare, but who cares? Lightning crashes, filling the Great Hall with a momentarily eerie light.
“Would you fuck a british man to hear him go ‘oh, oh’?” Malfoy asked us. More laughter. “Did I just say that?”
“Yes Malfoy.” I say through my laughter.
“Well, what I mean is that Harry Potter is scared of DORITOS!!” he yells to us. The laughing is directed at me now, and they’re all shoving Doritos at me so I’m running. 3…2…1 GO!


Authors Note: Hey I know this is short but so is the last chapter, which is REALLY short. I hope you enjoyed my fanfic!

Disclaimer: I don’t own the chicken dance, Doritos OR Harry Potter.



Well. Three or four weeks later and they’re still calling me Dori, but it’s gotten better. But I’ve gotten my sweet revenge on Malfoy. Did you know his boxers are hot pink and fluffy? Well, I replaced the Slytherin flags with his boxers last quidditch match. He’ll NEVER live that one down. Whatever. Ron and Hermione finally got together, and stopped fighting. It’s weird but MY GOD they stopped fighting. Sometimes I hate it when I’m right. Dumbledore took away the snack machine, but we got to see one last funny thing.
We saw Snape do the chicken dance!