PART ONE




July 31st
It’s Harry’s birthday… he’s still at those horrible aunt and uncle’s house. Mum said he could come to the Burrow soon. Hermione’s already here, we sent some cakes and pies to Harry.
Letter to Harry from Ron:

Harry,
Happy birthday, mate! Hope you enjoy the food we sent you. Mum said you can come here soon! I’ll send you an owl saying when!
Ron

August 2nd
Harry is arriving today. In a few days, we are going to Diagon Alley to get school stuff. We need tons of new books this year! Mum was in a little fit about all the books we need.

Ginny and Hermione have been a bit secretive lately. They are acting quite weird, maybe it’s just a girl thing. How would I know?

August 2nd: Later in the day
Harry is here, arrived only an hour ago. Mum was in a wild frenzy to get Harry some proper food. I have just learned to STAY AWAY.

August 5th
I got a weird letter today. It came the Muggle way. The postman who brought it seemed a bit scared. Can’t think why though? I don’t even know any Muggles, unless you count Hermione, but she’s a witch and is already here.
The Letter:

Dear Ronald Weasley,
We are sending this letter regarding the application you sent us five years ago. Sorry it’s taken so long to reply back to you. We are pleased to inform you that you HAVE been accepted into the secret service/CIA trainee program. We are expecting you at the office at 8:00 sharp on Monday morning. The address is 12345 Happy Hill Street, London England. Thank You.
John Doe
(and YES, that really is my name)


Conversation between mum and I:

“Mum, I got some sort of weird letter in the mail … it came the Muggle way.�

“The Muggle way? Bring it over here, let me see this rubbish!�

“Here you go, Mum.�

“Ron, this sounds great! I think its time for you to experience new things!�

“Experience new things? What in the bloody hell does that mean? Do you WANT me to move out? I mean, really Mum, is that what you want? You know what? I’m just going to expose of this letter and pretend this never happened!�

“But Ron—“

I cut her off. I wasn’t going to go work for some bloody Muggle office! What is the Secret Service or CIA anyway? After that little row, I went up to my room. Harry came up shortly after to see what I was yelling about. I told him I just got a little hot, which was true. Then I told him about the letter, he explained everything to me. The secret service is some protection agency that follows around important people. I decided I’m just going back to school and pretend this never happened.

August 7th
We’re going to Diagon Alley tomorrow. I wonder who are Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be this year? I hope it’s someone cool!

This afternoon Hermione, Harry and I went into the garden and it was full of gnomes! So guess what? We had to get rid of them, there went our afternoon! Mum, hasn’t been very friendly lately. Well, Fred and George DID give here that canary cream the other day. That was wicked fun! Fred and George got in so much trouble though. I thought Mum was going to kick them out. It was so funny!

August 8th
We traveled to Diagon Alley today. We went to Flourish and Blott’s and we got loads of new books. Fred and George tried to sneak into Knockturn Alley, again, Mum caught them, of course. I don’t even know why they try anymore.

August 15th
The past few days have been quite boring. Hermione and Ginny haven’t been around much. They stay in Ginny’s room most of the day. Doing what is my question. Harry and I have been practicing Quidditch a lot. The twins have been staying in their room, too. Probably working on some new creation. I’m not getting involved, I don’t want to get into trouble with Mum.

August 29th
We’ll be leaving for school in just a few days. Mum has been really busy getting everyone ready. She is mad the women is! Harry, Hermione and I have been lounging around all day, savoring what we have left of break. We’ve done absolutely nothing, except Hermione who’s been practicing a few things. I think she’s still writing to that bloody Victor Krum! Grrrrrrrr!

PART TWO





September 1st
I’m on the train right now, back to school I go. Harry, Hermione, and I have a compartment to ourselves… never mind… scratch that! Here comes Neville. He drives me insane! I know I pretend to be his friend, but, gosh, he’s so annoying! Those chubby cheeks and those messed up teeth! AHHHHHH! He’s so freakin’ annoying!

September 13th
Someone’s been following me. I don’t know who but I know someone is… I can feel it. I know they don’t think I know that they know that I know. Wait…does that make sense? Sorry I was trying to be cool. Okay, whatever, guess not.
How many guys keep diaries… I mean secret files! Well whoever doesn’t is a cotton headed ninnie muggins! HA! Whatcha got to say to that? Sorry I know I’m a loser, but at least I have my own secret file!

September 20th
Guess who the bloody person who is following me is? DEAN THOMAS! I always knew he liked me! Come to think of it…I’ve always known I liked him. AHHH! Did I just write that? Bloody hell! Ewwww! What if he sees this? Wait…he can’t see it… it’s a SECRET file! He could still get it somehow. Gosh, why am I being such an idiot! I’m a wizard, I can use magic to keep that son of a wizard’s hat away! No way he’s getting into this! SUCKER! I’m good…oh yeah…beat that….

September 25th
Oh my! Guess what? I heard Hermione say ‘Bye Professor’ to McGonagall! How stupid is she? You don’t talk to a teacher! Wait! This is Hermione Granger we are talking about! I’m so stupid, she’s stupid, Harry’s stupid, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle are stupid! Heck! We’re all stupid!

September 29th
I was in the bathroom today, (doing my business) and I looked down and saw something that made me jump. I nearly blew up the loo! Holy crap, it was wicked scary! I felt like a giant spider was attacking my butt. Then I looked down AGAIN and saw something so small I needed a microscope to see it! It was as small as like…I don’t know. I guess that its that time. You know that time. *Nudge Nudge Wink Wink* NO! Not that time! That’s for girls! No well I don’t know what time, but I am going through a time! Whatever!

October 2nd
Today is Wednesday! I love Wednesday! You know what that means? I don’t know! I made a shirt that says ‘I heart Wednesday’ and I wear it under all my clothes. You know what else I love? Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans! And not just any flavor bean thought. I like the earwax flavor! It reminds me of Dumbledude…um…I mean Dumbledore. I love that guy! He’s so cool. I’m thinking about growing a beard like his. Do you think I’d get more chicks that way? I hope so.

October 3rd
Do you know why I have been acting so weird lately? I don’t know, I think those stupid house elves are drugging my pumpkin juice! Those bloody things!

October 20th
Halloween is 11 days away! That means a feast! I love those house elves! They cook the best food! Apart from my mummy’s cooking of course. Fred and George have been giving the first years a problem. They keep testing their products on them. It’s wicked funny! It scares those little midgets into next week. I do NOTHING to stop those twins. I just sit back and watch. I know I should try to control them, but its just so funny. Hermione gets ticked though. She’s so hot. And with that I leave you here…under my pillow.

October 25th
Tonight I was in the common room and I was kind of drowsy. (I’ve been studying a lot). I saw a really cute girl sitting on the couch all by herself. I went over and sat close to her and then I put my arm around her. Then I said ‘Hey cutie.’ She stared at me and kept staring. She never said anything. I moved away from her a little. When I looked back over at her I saw…HARRY! (yes, Harry, Harry Potter) I blinked and then I was Harry again! Blink- Harry, Blink- Harry, Blink- Harry, Blink- Harry, Blink- Harry, Blink- Harry! I suddenly realized that was no girl—it was Harry! I screamed! I kept screaming. I was horrified. I screamed some more. Then I went and sat in the corner rocking back and forth, whimpering like and insane person. “Ron, are you okay?� Harry said to me completely cool. He wasn’t the least bit bothered. I looked up, my eyes grew wide. “It’s okay, mate, just PLEASE, don’t ever do that again, please,� He said. “Do you need to go see Madam Pomfrey?� he continues on. “NO!…Yeah,� I replied.

PART THREE




October 27th
Okay, when I went to the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfrey laughed. She laughed! I mean, she’s suppose to be a mentor, a leader and she bloody hell laughed! Jeez… witches these days. Anyway, she said that my problem was hallucination. Yeah of course, who would think of that? She also told Harry why I am so weird. (Do you think I’m weird or out of the ordinary?) She said that I was……..a………that I was……..a, I don’t think I can say it. Okay, Okay, she said that I was…..a completely random person (and a very clumsy one too)! It was so devastating, Who would have thought? I cried myself to sleep that night. Dean tried to comfort me, but nothing would help. I NEED MY MOMMY! (breaks down in tears…sob…sob) At least…I have a few things to look forward to in my life. Like the Hogsmeads trip on Halloween. (sigh)


October 31st
It’s Halloween! Yay! There’s a Hogsmeade trip today. Then the feast is tonight! I need to get ready for Hogsmeade. Bye, write more later.


October 31st – Later On
Okay, I was walking to Hogsmeade with Harry and Hermione and I tripped and fell flat on my face – in the mud! It was baaaad! When I fell I sprouted a pig’s tail, ears and nose! I don’t know what happened! I (guess) I started rolling around in the mud and oinking like a pig. When I turned back to normal, Hermione and Harry were doubled over crying in pain from laughing so hard. I, myself, was covered in mud. Hermione did some brilliant spell to remove all the mud (and the nose, tail, and ears). Then we went on to Hogsmeade. We went to Honeyduke’s, Zonko’s, The Shrieking Shack, and all that good stuff. After awhile we got tired and headed back to school.
When we got back to school it was dinner time. As I was stuffing my face, all of my food disappeared!

Flashback

“Where’d all my bloody food go?�

“I don’t know,� choked Harry. A note appeared on the empty plate.

We tired of cooking so much, you eat NO more!!!!!!
House Elves of Hogwarts

I stormed out of the Great Hall screaming like a mad man, a fire burning in my eyes, my face red and my body shaking with anger. I stormed off towards the kitchens. When I got to the kitchens, I was too angry to speak.

“…Who is the bloody elf that is responsible for taking my ruddy food?� I screamed in rage.

“It is all of us sir,� cried a small house elf, “ we’s don’t want to cook anymore tonight, you eat half food we’s cook!�

I screamed. And screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more. “I’m going to Dumbledore!�

When I reached Dumbledore’s office, I remembered I couldn’t get in, but then I saw Professor Dumbledore strolling merrily down the corridor. “Professor, the house elves took all my food because they said I ate too much and that they didn’t want to cook anymore!� I said, all in one breathe.

“Really? Interesting…I will talk to them and see to it that they don’t do it again.� Dumbledore said with a clueless stare in his eyes.

“Thanks, Dumb…I mean Dumbledore,� I said.

End Flashback

By the time I got back to the Hall, it was almost empty. I didn’t see Harry or Hermione, so I just headed back to the common room. When I got back I saw that ugly brown hair sticking up from the back of a squishy armchair. Well, I found Hermione. He hair was so ugly! It was brown. It was ugly. It had a lot of static electricity. It was ugly. Wait…it was REALLY ugly. It drives my insane! Sometimes I want to sneak into her dormitory at 3:02 in the morning and shave it all off! Then I think how much worse it would be if she was bald. Maybe I could kill her cat! I hate that thing! It looks like…like a pig with overgrown ginger hair. Even though it has ginger hair (I LOVE ginger hair!), I still hate it. But I know I’M still sexy, with my ginger hair. Oh yeah, boy am I one sexy beast! You know you LOVE me! Dean Thomas does! Other people probably do. You know what? I’m getting kind of sleepy…

November 7th
I’ve realized Harry has a lovely soprano voice. I heard him singing in the shower this morning. I, myself, am a bass, but never the less he has a great voice. Yes…totally splendid…awesomely awesome.

November 12th
Something good and bad happened today. I was walking down a hill to Hagrid’s house and I fell face first down the hill! (A/N: Personal Experience!) I flipped over a rock and landed on my back right in front of Hagrid’s hut. I started balling like a baby. I kicked and screamed. I cried more. Then I kicked and screamed some more. Cry, kick and scream. Cry, kick and scream. Cry, kick and scream. Cry, kick and scream. I waited and waited and waited, and waited some more. Finally Hagrid came charging down the hill towards me. Then he tripped and fell. He landed right on top of me. It was great! I’ve never felt such a great sensation! I pulled his head down to mine and started kissing him. YUM! (just kidding) But it did feel pretty good though, except the fact that Hagrid weighs about 1,000 (maybe more) pounds. He finally got up off me and pulled me up. Then we went into his cabin for some tea. Then, when I saw it was getting late, I headed back to school (hand in hand with Hagrid, may I add). I entered the common room and walked straight to my dormitory with a broad smile across my face.

November 20th
I wrote a poem! Guess what its about? GREEN!!!! My favorite color. Well…here it is:

Green! Green! Green!
It might be the color of my spleen!
Green! Green! Green!
It’s the color of the bogies in my nose!
Green! Green! Green!
My favorite color is green!
Green, it is great!
Green! Green! Green!
Green is the color of my toe nail polish!
Green! Green! Green!
Harry and ‘Mione’s underwear is green!
That’s all I have to say about the color
GREEN!

Isn’t it wicked? I came up with is in Charms class today! I think I have a new love…poems. And I am so good at them too!










Read and Review please!! I know its not that funny, right now but…yeah… I need some ideas…Thanks! Part Four is written (well actually the story is done), and I will be posting it sometime soon.

PART FOUR









November 30th
It will be Christmas soon! Yea! I’m so excited!!
I got in trouble for writing a note today. It was Potions of all classes…
THE NOTE:
My Dearest Hagrid,
I wrote a poem for you:
You, You big, big man
Whom I love so much
People say your ugly
But I think your beautiful!
Just because your giant,
It makes me love you more.
To me, you’ll always be
MY Hagrid
I hope you like it! I’m coming to visit you tonight!
Love, Ronald

That stupid Snape got hold of it and read it – to the whole class. Malfoy blurted out “That giant! He’s cheating on me!� and then he ran out of the classroom, crying his eyes out. Then I said “No, he’s cheating on me!� then I ran out of the room, also crying like a newborn baby. Then Snape ran out after us crying, but nobody knew why. Wow, what a day! I shall conclude today’s entry with that...

December 2nd
Malfoy has been acting very strange lately. I think he has a disorder. He hasn’t been teasing me and he’s been very touchy-feely lately. Its just…weird. Not that its BAD or anything. Anyway…I have homework. Write later.

December 7th
Me and Malfoy were talking (a rare occasion) and we decided to just ditch Hagrid. We have decided to run off and elope at the terms end. I know it’s not like me but…what can I say? It’s the only cure for our sadness. A happy life is only a few weeks away! Sure, I would have liked my FIRST husband to be Harry, but life just doesn’t work miracles. I mean, he can be my best man. Mum will be so pleased to hear my news! I know she hates the Malfoy’s, but life can not be perfect. I’m so excited, I’ve always wanted to get married! giggle

December 11th
I’m fighting with Hermione, she thinks I’m “wrong� about this whole Draco thing. I was discussing our plans today at lunch and Hermione kept shooting me dirty looks. I think she’s jealous! You know WHY I think that? Well, she said this “ Ron, I’m so jealous of you!� then this whole fight started. After that she said “Could you be any stupider? You are so gay!� then I said “No I’m not!� Then she retaliated and said “Ron, yes, you are. You’re a guy…marrying a guy.� Then I said “Well, oh yeah, at least I got game,� and I snapped my fingers and walked away. Malfoy chased after me, followed closely by Dean Thomas. Malfoy, I guess, never found me because I didn’t see him for the rest of the night. sob

December 17th
At breakfast this morning I was sitting eating my eggs and bacon (Yum!) and Hermione came and sat next to me. She just sat and stared at me. She was scaring me (not that she doesn’t always). She was like a deer in the headlights. Her eyes grew wider and wider. Finally, she blinked (thank goodness), then she cocked her head to the side and moved closer to me. It scared me. What was she going to do? Was I in mortal danger? Her eyes (back to normal) met mine and she smiled. It was a kind smile. ‘Oh no’ I thought. ‘I’m doomed now! This is it, this was the end of my life, good-bye fellow witches and wizards!’ I closed my eyes, ready for the worst. I felt something soft touch my lips, it tasted and smelled, like cherries! (YUM!).
I opened my eyes and it turned out, Hermione Granger was kissing me! I heard Draco burst into tears next to me. I touched his knee, but then I think he put some kind of hex on me because when I tried to pull away from Hermione, I was stuck! My lips and her lips—stuck! This was bad! (At least her lips tasted like cherries—YUM!) I tried to scream, but I couldn’t, I got up and tried to run, but it was too hard. I tried to tell Harry to get Madam Pomfrey, and I guess he understood because he ran from the Great Hall. Soon after he left, he came back with the nurse trailing behind. Madam Pomfrey screamed when she saw us. She conjured some, thing, and managed to get us up to the Hospital Wing. But we were still stuck together.
Draco came to visit me later, I could tell he was still upset though.

December 21st
Draco said if we are going to get married I have to stop writing in a diary (secret files, I told him). I don’t even know how he found out about it! No one knows about it, except me and now him. I bet it was that Dean Thomas! I TOLD you he would find out about it, gosh, son of a friggin’ wizards hat!! He’s so stupid, I mean I know secrets about him, but I don’t tell anyone, nope, not ONE soul! Okay anyway, I told Draco that I would stop writing, but just for the sake of our marriage. We got in a little heat about it, but we are fine now. I’m still a little upset about it, but I’ll be ok.
By the way, Hermione and I aren’t stuck together anymore. She apologized right away once we got unstuck. I told her it was okay, then hurried off to find Draco.

December 26th
This is going to be tough, wow. This, I’m afraid, will be my last entry. I can’t put it off any longer. I have to do it, I have to end this now. I just need to say a few things. You have been my best friend through everything, thick and thin. I hope you will forgive me for letting you go! I know you are not a real person, or even a person at all, but, well, I’ve just become so attached to you. I guess I will go before I start crying. Bye…forever.
I love you, secret files.






This is the end of this story. I hope ya’ll liked it and got at least a few laughs out of it . I’m working on a new story that I shall be posting soon! Until then! R&R