Disclaimer: Sorries for mutliating JKR's characters. She owns them. I pwn them.

I'd like to have Jan for the moderator for this. *squish* Merry Christmas, VV!

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‘I don’t think you should be an Auror, Harry,’ said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. ‘The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They’re working from within to bring down the Ministry of Magic using a combination of Dark magic and gum disease.’

Severus felt the derision building up inside of him as the Lovegood girl beamed absentmindedly, and Potter drowned himself in his Butterbeer. Likewise, Trelawney was a ridiculous sight, glittering like some overgrown insect that needed a good spray of Muggle bug spray. He glowered at the two of them for a moment, before stalking away.

Who did the girl think she was, assuming that it was all of the Aurors? Of course, the Death Eaters had a hand in it. They’d been planning the ambush for Christmastime, plotting from within the Auror headquarters and now will all the seriousness of this new revelation, he’d have to send word to his master that they’d have to carry out their plan… on New Year’s Eve. See, what the silly girl didn’t understand was that when you’ve been fighting evil for so long, and you’ve seen all the strengths and the effort it takes you to take them down – well, the rewards seem bigger and the grass; the grass is so much greener.

*

‘So how are you plotting to stop them, dear?’ inquired Trelawney.

‘Well,’ said Luna enthusiastically, ‘I was thinking of warm hugs and lots and lots of toothpaste and floss.’

Those, in the general vicinity, stepped back slowly. ‘Toothpaste and floss,’ said Trelawney, widening her eyes. ‘What on earth are they going to do?’

‘Well, everyone knows that when you brush your teeth, it only cleans half of your mouth, and your gums are important. They’re pretty, pink and neglected, too. So why shouldn’t they have something to combat the gum disease?’

‘Right, dear.’ Trelawney patted her absentmindedly on the shoulder and opened a small hip flask, from which she took a quick swig, smiled unfocusedly and tottered off, slurring slightly and giggling.

‘I was also considering…’ she heard Luna’s voice melt into the crowd as she tottered out of the dungeon and up to her Tower.

Up in the Tower, she went over and tapped a crystal ball on one of the tables. Look at those tables! she thought. They’re so weird! Bursting into a fit of giggles, she plunked herself down and closed her hands dramatically.

‘I call upon the ancient powers to warm my hands and stop the wrinkles of age!’ she cried to the empty classroom. The heat from the fire was on her face, and it was making her feel very tired, thank you very much.

She caressed the crystal ball lovingly. ‘You’re a pretty ball,’ she said, lowering her face to the ball’s surface and whispering sweet nothings. ‘Such a pretty, pretty ball. You know, I could hook you up with that pretty, funny looking table over there. You guys could make sweet, sweet predictions.’ She stroked the translucent surface.

‘I proclaim impending doom, yo?’ screamed the crystal ball. ‘Gum disease… on your knees… begging me please…’

Trelawney stared at the singing, rapping crystal ball. It stayed there, innocently looking up at her. She shrugged and tottered over to the cupboard where she smiled and took out a bottle of sherry. Glancing around, she raised the bottle to her lips and downed half of it in one go. Everything seemed… blurry. Blurry was good. That winged chair was good… so blue. Pretty blue, she thought, edging closer and collapsing into it.

Within seconds, the half-empty bottle dropped to the floor with a thunk, and Sybill Trelawney was fast asleep, snoring her head off.

*

‘Wake up!’

Trelawney snorted, sitting bolt upright. Someone had been holding her nose and pulling her eyebrows up. And that person was Luna Lovegood.

‘What are you doing here, my dear?’ she asked groggily, throwing Luna a dirty look with her heavy, half-opened eyes.

‘We’re going to the Ministry!’

‘The Ministry, dear, why?’

‘Because we have to head those Aurors off! They’re planning to corrupt the Ministry and we’ve got to stop them.’

Trelawney stirred and focused in on Luna, which was proving quite difficult. ‘What… what have you got there, dear?’

‘What, this?’ Luna looked down at the basket she was carrying. It was half-full of half-used toothpaste tubes and a few bottles of Listerine. ‘Oh, it’s just to help combat the gum disease side of things.’

‘The gum disease side? My dear, you can’t possibly believe that the Aurors on our side are going to join His side, and be aided by rotting gums!’ She raised one hand to her head and whispered, ‘And please, do be quiet.’

‘Well,’ said Luna from the fireplace. She’d already thrown some powder into the flames and had clambered in, clutching her wicker basket full of anti-tooth decay products. The green flames whirled, and Luna was gone.

“Alright my dearie… ouch!’

Trelawney stamped her foot on the ground and scowled at the snickering paintings.

‘You’re supposed to put the powder in first,’ said one smugly.

*

‘Dear, we’re about to get into A LOT of trouble.’

Luna waved her away and opened the door. Aurors were working hard at their desks… and each of them had a pile of candy canes a foot high!

‘Look at them!’ whispered Luna. ‘They’re rotting their teeth on purpose!’

‘I believe it’s called becoming “festively plump�,’ said Trelawney dryly. ‘They can fix that with a bit of sherry…’ she muttered.

‘Stop right now!’ demanded Luna, pulling two tubes of toothpaste out of her basket and holding them like firearms.

Kingsley Shacklebolt poked his head around the corner. ‘Miss Lovegood, put down your toothpaste and let me get back to my candy canes,’ he said slowly.

Trelawney lurked meekly in the background, because really, she had no idea what the author, or Luna was going to do next. She was still fighting the hangover, and unfortunately, neither the hangover nor Luna had vanished.

‘I’m going to paint this town white,’ said Luna confidently, unflicking or unscrewing the cap of the toothpaste, whatever proved more British.

She leapt upon the nearest Auror, and Trelawney winced as she heard the bang of an office chair hitting the ground.

‘But it’s got a great refreshing taste!’ she heard Luna say brightly to one protesting Auror.

*

‘You know, Luna; there are various types of toothpaste now. Some make your teeth whiter, some taste different, and some – why some fight cavities!’ said Trelawney cheerily. With her hangover receding, Luna’s antics finished and the promise of more sherry waiting for her back at Hogwarts, she was in high holiday spirits indeed.

‘Oh.’ They walked through the halls of the Atrium in silence, for a few seconds anyway. ‘How do you make a hanky dance?’ Luna asked Trelawney.

‘Oh, well, I assume that one would pick up the said hanky and-’

‘Put a little boogey in it!’ said Luna, shaking with mirth.

They were silent again for a moment while Trelawney stared at her quizzically. She opened her mouth a couple of times, but it wasn’t until they were in the elevator and the cool female voice said sleepily, ‘The Atrium. And we’re not antipodean here. It’s nighttime. Now scoot.’ The elevator ejected them out into the Atrium, and spat out their belongings.

‘Hey! It’s THEM!’ one Death Eater, that could have quite possibly been Severus Snape shouted, But, thinking about it, couldn’t possibly have been Severus Snape, because Severus Snape was good, and was at Hogwarts.

Luna registered the long sentence and tried again. A Death Eater shouted, ‘Hey! It’s THEM!’ and suddenly she was in tune with the story again. From her basket, she pulled out what looked like a long ball of sticky twine. It smelt faintly of peppermint and bubblegum…

‘Retreat! RETREAT! They’ve got FLOSS!’

The Death Eaters screamed and ran to hide behind Voldemort. Voldemort grinned and Luna saw, with dismay, that his mouth was all gum – not a tooth in sight!

‘No teeth, you old gummy?’ teased Luna.

‘I used to have teeth,’ said Voldemort glumly. ‘But hey, I’m like, eighty or something. Shouldn’t I have lost my teeth anyway?’

‘Immortality doesn’t come with teeth or dentures,’ said Luna wisely, nodding her head.

‘Yeah, I guess I should have invested in some sort of dental plan, hey,’ said Voldemort, scratching the back of his baldhead. ‘Oh well. Can’t make much of a difference now. YOU DIE ANYWAY!’

‘I believe the correct term in fanfiction is ‘pwn’, isn’t it?’ Luna asked, advancing toward Voldemort with a tube of toothpaste behind her back. ‘And aren’t you being rather out of character for an evil villain?’

Voldemort looked at his Death Eaters hiding behind his posterior for back up confirmation. ‘Well, you can hardly blame me for being sore! I never had a grey hair to begin to slowly appreciate the loss of my youth – I never had time to adjust! It was all too traumatic! And as for the correct term, I suppose so-’

‘I pwn you!’ cried Luna, jumping up and squirting toothpaste into his mouth. She unsheathed her toothbrush from her skirt and stuffed it in his mouth, working it around, to his disgust, and latched on tight. She ignored his flailing and said, ‘Now, it’s important to massage gums when children are teething because it stimulates the teeth beneath the gums-’

‘I don’t have new teeth coming in!’ warbled Voldemort, spitting out the minty-fresh white froth that was dribbling from his mouth.

‘I know that, silly, but it fights cavities on teeth, roots and GUMS,’ she said, still brushing. ‘And it’s got a nice, refreshing taste, according to the bottle.’ She moved onto his tongue and he gagged. ‘Now SPIT!’

He spat out on the Atrium floor and stared at her with distaste.

‘Now, rinse with Listerine! It’ll kill any nasties! It fights tartar build up, kills germs that cause bad breath, plaque and gingivitis!’

‘I… I…’ panted Voldemort. ‘I feel… cold. And burning, at the same time. Millions of bubbles or evil Listerine in my mouth!’ All this was said with a tight-lipped struggle against the sloshing Listerine inside his mouth. He swallowed it whole and panted.

‘You… weren’t supposed to swallow it,’ said Luna slowly. ‘Haven’t you seen the ad? He explodes.’ She watched as Voldemort froze and burped out a blue bubble. He began to shake his head violently, and then abruptly stopped. Luna peered into his slitted red eyes. Trelawney hung back, picking up the scattered toothpaste tubes. When doing so, she accidentally stepped on one, and toothpaste shot all over the floor.

‘Oh, shoot,’ she muttered, wiping it up with her finger.

Meanwhile, Voldemort had dropped to the floor and Luna snorted. ‘Lord Voldemort pwn’d by Listerine.’

Lucius Malfoy stepped forward. Obviously, it couldn’t have been Snape, because Snape was at Hogwarts, and he was supposed to be good, Luna supposed. What a spoilsport.

‘Isn’t the Dark Lord only supposed to be defeated by Harry Potter?’

Luna considered. ‘Would you believe me if I told you that Harry dropped a rare, deadly, invisible, odorless poison into the Listerine?’

Lucius sneered. ‘I daresay it has a rather technical name?’

Trelawney tottered over and came to Luna’s rescue. ‘Why,’ she said dramatically, taking the bottle from Luna’s limp arm, ‘That would be-’ she read from the bottle ‘-Benzoic Acid. 1.5mg per bottle. Strong stuff. Haven’t you seen the ad? Makes the pipes blow up.’

Lucius paled.

The Death Eaters remembered that they, too, were in the story, and paled.

The author remembered all the Aurors waiting for confirmation and closure, and paled.

‘How about we take this Listerine and end it, and then the author won’t have to finish the story?’ suggested Luna, toying with the cap on her bottle of the Listerine.

‘I say that’s a good idea. Plus, it’ll smell good while it burns a hole in our stomachs. It ‘has a fresh Winter Mint flavour’, apparently. I say bottoms up!’ She lifted the one-liter bottle of blue Listerine containing the ingredient Benzoic Acid 1.5mg/1000mL to her lips and downed the bottle in one go, watching Luna do the same.

‘Phew,’ said Luna, breathing in through her nose. ‘My breath is cold! And it’s…’

Thump.