I stare about
This house where I
Am now forced
To wait in vain.
Every passing day
Is merely
More torture.
I can’t stand
To see other
Useful members
Of the Order
Come and go;
I’m left with
No one but
My own thoughts
To keep me
Company.

My memories,
They drown me.
My thoughts,
They are quelled
Only by my
New best friend:
Firewhisky.
So, I sit and think,
Because that’s
All I can do...
Sit and think
While a war begins.
Sit and think
With my useless,
Lonely whims.

I find it funny,
In a twisted way,
That my life
Has been a prison.
I was born into
This house and now
I’m back again;
It’s like a magnet,
Pulls me in,
No matter
How I roam.
Once a Black,
I do suppose,
A Black you’re
Doomed to stay.

This prison held
Me in my youth;
Family ties
Did bind me.
They were my chains,
Linking me to
The Black family history.
I never was
Like the rest—
A black sheep
Would describe me.
The family tree,
Which I adorned
Was a life sentence
I’d been assigned.

I was guilty
Of the crime
For simply
Being alive.
I never was
Worthy of much love;
I never was
The better son.
No, I was
A rebel—
I disagreed
With their wicked views.
I couldn’t see
How being a Black
Made me superior
To others.

I never felt
I was the best
Because my
Blood was pure.
This view rang true
When I was sorted
Into Gryffindor.
My days at Hogwarts
Were my bail—
My short time
To be free.
I could laugh,
I could joke,
And forget the
Prison that
Awaited me.

But then the summer
Always came
At the end of each
Wonderful year.
I’d be back there—
In that old house
Where darkness
Mingled with despair.
I grew to hate
My bloodline.
I grew to hate
Their looks.
I grew to envy
My good friends
Who didn't know
How lucky
They were.

Why was it
That Remus,
A werewolf
Of all things,
Was loved and
Cherished by
His mum and dad,
And I was
Shunned aside?
And Peter—
Not nearly
The wizard
I was, and yet
He had a home;
And James, my best mate,
Could I be jealous of him?
We weren’t so different;
We were one
And the same.
But his parents
Adored him—
I caused mine shame.

I couldn’t take it
Anymore!
I gave myself the key
To unlock the cell
To which I was cast—
I eagerly set myself free.
I packed my trunk,
In what was a
Helter-skelter way.
My possessions
I threw in
Without a care.
I couldn’t stand
Another day!

My flight from where
I had been kept
Was hardly
Very easy.
But I escaped,
I was free,
Wild, like the dog
Within me.
I found salvation
At James’ house,
Where I was
Lovingly welcomed.
How could I have
Been jealous?
I’d had a family
All along—
The Potters,
It was they
Who truly loved me.

My prison,

My life,

They are one

And the same.

But I thought

I'd escaped

When I ran away.

The years that passed

Were nothing but

Temporary

Vacation—

An illusion,

False hope that I

Had forever escaped

My prison.

I couldn’t see then

My prison was

Indeed life itself,

For nothing good could

Ever last within

My own black life.



I was given

False good fortune:

A Hogwarts

Graduation,

Best man on

My friend’s best day,

A godchild

I loved dearly.

I couldn’t see all

Would be taken away

By who I thought

Was my true friend—

The rat, he did

Betray me.

But not just me;

Who cares about me?

He killed my

Only family.



I’d been impulsive

All my life;

I never thought

About decisions.

When rage stung

At my heart

And tears burned

My eyes,

I thought only of revenge.

I kissed my

Godchild goodbye,

Looked back once

At James’ blank face;

A rush of sadness

Beyond compare—

As a father,

I would take his place.



I’d go and hunt down

Pettigrew;

Then, of course,

Return to Harry.

But no, the rat

Had fooled me again.

He framed me

Without pity.

The street exploded,

Voices screamed;

I knew that

Many had died.

The rat was now

His physical form,

And I’d been

Left to die.



There were no tears

That I could cry,

I’d used them all

For James.

The salty sadness

I’d held within me,

I’d wept for

Dear, sweet Lily.

I’d cried for Harry,

Now alone, as I’d been

My entire life;

But now, there was

Nothing more to weep—

I laughed wildly;

In some strange way,

To laugh was all

I could do

To save my sanity.



The rest of the world

Didn’t see it as such;

They saw me as

Demented.

They thought my mind

Had finally cracked,

So sent me to

My prison.

Dementors feasted

At my thoughts—

But worse than

Walls and bars

Was my own guilt.

What had I done?

James was dead;

It was my fault.

I’ll look back
To the time
I’ve been trying
To forget;
But then, some
Memories
Never leave
No matter
How you fight.
They creep into
My thoughts at night,
Unbidden
By my conscious.

They take their place,
And quickly replay
What it is
I’ve grown to fear:
The prison
That I escaped
And left miles
Behind me.
The prison's now
A memory,
Seperated
By the seas.
I escaped it
Forevermore;
But somehow,
I find it hard
To escape my mind;
The prison
Plauges my very dreams,
And so, I still
Remember:

My time in
Azkaban
Is worse than
Loneliness and filth.
It is worse
Than coldness
And Dementors,
That around me lurk.
The guilt pounds
Upon my mind,
Filling every
Empty crevice.
My worst memories
Add to my
Heavy weight.
I am plagued
By flashing
Images
I’ve long tried
To forget:
My father shouting,
Mother shrieking,
Regulus glaring—
My family’s hate.

Sounds I’ve hope
To never
Again hear
Were now persistent
In my mind:
The harsh tones
Of Remus
After the prank
And his glare
Of distrust
That went with it.
Looking back,
Not even
Snivellus
Deserved that;
Even James had
Been angry then.
Even James…

And the image of
His body,
Cold on the ground;
The house in ruins,
Harry’s crying,
My own howl of pain—
They flood into me,
They caress my mind;
The Dementors glide
Eagerly, sensing
My weakness.

I am not weak!
I never have been!
My mind suddenly
Supplies as
I stare into
The darkness
That is Azkaban.
I will not permit
Them drain me.
I will not permit
My sanity cease.
I do not deserve
That fate I’ve been dealt,
As I didn’t deserve
The family I’d had!

“I’m innocent!�
I shout to the wall,
I will not allow
Myself to suffer;
These Dementors
Won’t result
In my downfall.
But I cannot deny
The sadness
Upon my chest.
So I lend
My dog-form
When my sorrow’s
At it’s best.

For twelve years
I repeat the
Cycle I have
Fallen in.
I embrace despair
And transform when
I feel I’m
On the edge.
And one day,
When I feel
Even innocence
Won’t salvage my time,
I learn of Peter’s
Whereabouts.
I look at
The picture,
Revenge quickly
Comforts my mind.

He’s at Hogwarts…
The thoughts are
Always on my mind.
He’s at Hogwarts…
So close to Harry,
My godson.
He’s at Hogwarts…
He killed them all,
Betrayed us all;
How could we
Have been so blind?
He’s at Hogwarts…
A danger to Harry;
He ruined it all.
He’s at Hogwarts…
Peter will be mine!

And I escaped
My prison,
As I had
Escaped my first:
I left the prison,
Left despair,
Allowing
Obsession
To fuel my ride
To Hogwarts where
My foe resides.

A dim smile
Caresses my lips
At the returning
Thoughts of my
First year on the run.
I’d hated being
Searched for by all,
And yet, didn’t
Realize it was
Better than what
I would be given
Later; better
Than what I have now.
So I forget...
Fall into, the
Euphoria
That had risen
In my chest
As I’d fled
That prison:

At long last,
My soul felt free.
Freer than it
Ever had been.
The open spaces,
And better yet
Soon gained
Again my friend–
Remus knew what
Peter was.
But that was only
The glorious start—
Harry knew,
He wanted to come
Live with me
As James had planned.

But good fortune
Never smiles long
Upon my
Dreary life.
The full moon’s curse,
Peter’s escape,
The Dementors,
And then Snape…
All added to
My need to run,
And leave Harry,
Yet again.
This new prison
Was now my
Being on the run.

I could only do
What was held in
The restraints
Of being a
Fugitive.
But it was better
Than the prisons
I had left before.
But the dark path
Only twisted bleaker,
As Voldemort returned.
I held Harry’s
Shoulder tight,
To free him from this
Was all that I yearned.

A change was needed,
That was plain to see.
But I could not tell
That the change
Would go so
Horribly for me.
Cast aside,
Again I was
Held within
The house I’d
So willing left,
So openly fought.
I’d worked so hard
To escape the truth
Of my family chains.
The iron clad links
Of being a Black
Had never let
Me be set free.
They had only
Loosened, and now,
They were back
Upon me.

Held within this
Godforsaken house.
Held within
The memories
Of my parents’
Shadows that still
Seem to dance
Across the walls.
My mother’s
Melancholy shrieks
Now seem to be
The song of my soul–
Screaming deep
Within me, shouting
For escape.

I suddenly receive
My reason
To break free,
Though my heart
Seems to stop
In my chest
At the danger...
The danger is
Now important
To me–
The danger
My godson has
Thrust himself upon–
The Department
Of Mysteries...
I could not see
Then that I
Had been the pawn.

So I again
Present myself
With the exit
From my misery.
I again allow
Myself to
Be set free.
I follow
The Order,
I won’t take
No for an answer,
Won’t listen when
They beg me to stay.
My godson, Harry...
The only thoughts
On my mind....
To help him,
Who I have come
To see as
Even more
Than a son.

I won’t allow,
I won’t permit
Anything to
Happen to
Harry again.
I failed with James,
Gave him to Death...
I will not do
The same for Harry.
So I act on impulse,
As I have
Always done.
I act on impulse
To save my
Only godson.
I arrive at the
Department,
As the pattern
Completes its turn.
Impulses landed
Me in my prisons,
And impulse had
Led me here.

I begin to fight,
Fearing only
The lives of the
Innocents.
I begin to fight,
Not fearing,
Never fearing,
The worst fate
That I could meet.
I hear my cousin,
Turn to her,
Eager to defeat.
I hold out my wand,
Shouting insults,
Ignoring the veil
That hangs below me.
I ignore the veil
That holds so many,
Suspended
On the dias.
I ignore the veil,
And bravely fight,
Not knowing then,
Not seeing until
It was too late,
That I had arrived
At my new prison.