A Marauders’ Little Christmas

He sits in his cell as a great black dog, trying to fight the pain, the despair, the emptiness. Ministry officials – those hated free men who condemned him so readily – have come and gone in the past few weeks. He’s heard the whispers of their conversation as they pass his cell. “Christmas is coming,� they hiss excitedly at each other, and he wonders how many Christmases it’s been since he came here, and what the holiday is like for Harry, his orphaned godson, living with his aunt and uncle, or for Remus, shunned and mistrusted, quite alone in the world now that all his friends are imprisoned or dead … or appear to be dead. He growls as the thought of Peter surfaces, as it always so easily does, and he hopes the traitor will spend his holiday in the sewer, where he belongs.

But memories of past Christmases soon overcome these thoughts: the more recent ones spent in this cell, the earliest in his hated childhood home with his hated family. None of these are happy, and so he has been allowed to keep them, to brood over them.

Then there are the memories of Christmases between those two miserable periods: memories of Christmases at school, and those few happy years after school before everything went so horribly wrong. Yet these are not happy either. They torment him, reminding him of how things used to be, how they still should be and would be if he hadn’t been so stupid. They stand out to him, these memories, like portraits on the wall of his cell, and they empty him completely, and even as a dog this emptiness is too much.

He whimpers, but no one notices; so many prisoners whimper and moan, all of them enduring the same torment, all of them living in this same nightmare; yet no one understands this agony; no one can understand this emptiness.

“These wonderful things are the things we’ll remember all through our lives!�

The words tear through his memory, tear at what’s left of his heart. The accompanying memory fills him at once with joy now turned to pain: the Christmas of fifth year, just months after they managed their first successful transformation (how he curses that day); he’s dancing in the snow now, dancing with his cousin Jocelyn to James’s singing, laughing, anticipating Remus’s and Peter’s arrivals.

He wants to put an end to this remembering, but the scene refuses to stop, a horrible play relentlessly acted out before him, filling him and emptying him and filling him again …

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too.
Come on, it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.
Outside the snow is falling,
And friends are calling ‘Yoo hoo.’�

“Yoo hooooooo!� shrieked Sirius Black in a high-pitched voice as he and his cousin Jocelyn danced a circle around his best mate, James Potter. “Yoo hoo, Jamsie!�

James burst out laughing, but somehow managed to gasp out the last two lines.

“Come on, it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you…�

Jocelyn laughed as Sirius joined James in dramatically singing the last note.

“Oh, you-oooooo-ooooooooooooo!�

Jocelyn took advantage of their temporary distraction and chucked a snowball at James’s head.

“Oh no you don’t!� he shouted. The next few seconds were confusion as the three engaged in icy combat until Sirius shouted, “Moony’s here!� and everyone dropped the snow in their hands and trampled over to the gate to greet a grinning Remus Lupin.

“Hullo, Padfoot,� he managed to get out before Sirius cried, “Moony!� and threw himself on the other boy.

“Get off him, Padfoot, let the man breathe,� said James, grinning. “Hi, Moony,� he added as Sirius released Remus.

“Hi, Prongs, hello, Joce’,� Remus responded, massaging his ribs. “Has Wormtail arrived yet?�

“No,� James answered. “But never mind that, how are you? How was … you know.� He eyed the fresh cuts on Remus’s face and neck as he spoke; the full moon had been a few nights before, and as they weren’t in school and the fact that James, Sirius, and Peter were Animagi was a closely guarded secret, Remus had been forced to go home to transform alone.

“All right.� Remus shrugged. “It’s over now, anyway.� He grinned at them, and they grinned hesitantly back. Remus’s condition – his “furry little problem� as James liked to refer to it – was such a strange constant in their lives; it bound them together, yet it separated them as well. No one fully understood what Remus went through every month, and though they all would have readily taken a turn at it to spare him, no one really wanted to know what it was like. They joked about it – Remus always joked about it – but it was difficult to ignore the marks of his condition: the old scars and the new cuts. Those were real and raw, and it was hard to be light-hearted when looking at something so tangible and so serious.

“Come on, don’t look too cheerful!� Remus admonished them, rolling his eyes. “It’s Christmas! Hang on, what’s that?� He seemed to have spotted something in the snow, for he bent over to examine the area around his feet. Sirius copied him and staggered upright a few moments later, spluttering: Remus had thrown a handful of snow in his face.

James and Jocelyn roared with laughter as they watched Remus tear across the garden, Sirius in hot pursuit, his hands full of snow.

“If we were allowed to use magic!� Sirius shouted as he aimed a snowball at Remus’s head and missed.

“I wouldn’t have done it!� Remus called back. “Help me, Prongs,� he hissed at James as he tore past. A moment later, a snowball Sirius had meant for Remus hit James in the stomach. He didn’t need much more encouragement to join the fight.

“It was an accident!� Sirius shouted as one of James’s snowballs went whizzing past his right ear. “Come on, Prongs, I’m the victim here!�

Jocelyn was doubled up with laughter when a small, watery-eyed boy came through the gate.

“What happened?� he asked her. “Did James fall that ‘something-lying-in-the-snow’ trick of Remus’s again?�

“No, it was Sirius this time, actually,� rejoined Jocelyn, giggling a little. “How’re you, Peter?�

“Fine, thanks,� Peter Pettigrew answered. “Glad it wasn’t me this time.�

Jocelyn laughed.

“Wormtail!� shouted Sirius, spotting his friend, as James and Remus closed in on him from opposite directions. “Come and help me! I’m outnumbered!�

Peter turned to Jocelyn.

“Shall I help him, then?� he questioned disinterestedly, as though he were merely commenting on the weather.

“He’ll make sure you regret it if you don’t,� she replied.

Peter nodded.

“Quite right,� he said, and he took off across the garden toward the other three boys.

Several minutes of snowy confusion later, the four boys and Jocelyn all lay in the snow, cold through, their sides aching with laughter.

“Our cheeks are nice and rosy, and comfy cosy are we!� sang James in a slightly slurred half-whisper.

“Says you!� snapped Peter. “I’m not cosy at all; I’m freezing!�

“We’re snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be,� murmured James, ignoring him.

Sirius, Remus, and Peter looked at each other, eyebrows raised.

“I’m not snuggling with any of you,� said Sirius firmly, voicing everyone’s feelings.

“Really?� James questioned. “Not even Joce’? Because I would ¬¬––�

“No thank you, James!� she interrupted indignantly. “I’m not going to be your substitute Lily Evans!�

The other boys laughed as James turned a deep shade of scarlet.

“I wasn’t asking you to be,� he muttered resentfully.

“That’s because no one can substitute for Evans!� teased Sirius, grinning.

“There’s no other girl like her!� Peter continued.

“She’s probably the most perfect being in the world!� added Remus.

“With her silky red hair –�

“And those brilliant green eyes –�

“And her fantastic wit –�

“And –�

“Oh, shut up!� snapped James as everyone else roared with laughter. “Isn’t it time we went in?�

The group trooped into the house, James calling out as they entered, “Mum! Dad! Remus and Peter are here!�

Mrs Potter bustled out of the kitchen, holding a tray of tea and biscuits.

“Happy Christmas!� She beamed at them. “Come into the parlour and we’ll open gifts.�

They found Mr Potter waiting for them in the parlour, and began politely exchanging gifts. After a few painful minutes, Mr and Mrs Potter departed, saying, “We’ll leave you at it, then.�

The moment they were gone, the parlour turned chaotic. People were diving at the tree, wrapping paper was flying everywhere, and everyone was talking so fast it was difficult to keep track of who was speaking.

“Zonko’s supplies! Brilliant, Prongs!�

“What’s so brilliant about that? He gets you those every year; it’s horribly predictable.�

“Yeah, but it’s predictably good. A nice sort of constant in my life, you know.�

“Wormtail, what is this? Chocolate Frogs, those are all right, but a quill? Only Moony gets someone a quill for Christmas!�

“If you’d bothered to look at it, you’d notice it’s made of sugar!�

“Oh. Right. I always forget how realistic those are. Thanks, then!�

“A gift from Moony. What could it be? Looks like a book; it’s probably three.�

“Nice bit of poetry there.�

“Thanks, Prongs.�

“You’re very quick to judge, Padfoot.�

“I can’t help it you’re predictable! Probably a deluxe copy of Hogwarts, A History; you’re always bothering me to read it.�

“Just shut up and open it, Padfoot; we don’t have all evening!�

“Right then. Ooo, it’s not a book, after all. It’s a – bloody hell, Moony, what is this?�

Everyone had gone very quiet, eyeing the gift Sirius was holding.

“It’s a project,� explained Remus. “Well, the start of project. More of an idea.�

“An idea?� said Sirius. “Well, that’s different. Blimey, that’s almost creative! I’m pleasantly surprised, Moony.�

“I’m flattered,� said Remus dryly. “It’s not just for you, you know; it’s for all the Marauders, but I thought you’d appreciate it most.�

“It’s used parchment,� said James, peering into the box. He looked up at Remus uncomprehendingly. “Moony, what would we want with parchment someone’s already scribbled all over?�

Remus rolled his eyes but said patiently, “Look at it more closely.�

Sirius, James, and Peter each lifted a piece of parchment out of the box and examined it.

“Brilliant!� Sirius breathed after a moment. He looked up at Remus, his face shining with anticipation. “Of course, it’ll take some time to finish. Probably more than a year. We’ll have to do more exploration – we haven’t discovered nearly as much as I know there is! – and then it’ll take some time to put it all down. But it’ll be worth it! You’re a bloody genius, Moony!�

Remus smiled at him.

“What is it?� Jocelyn demanded, trying to peer over Sirius’s shoulder. “What are you discovering? What are you putting down?�

“A map of Hogwarts!� whispered Peter, his eyes wide.

“Oh, it’ll be brilliant!� sighed James, a faraway look in his eyes. “Every floor –�

“Every corridor –� Sirius continued.

“Every office –� said Peter.

“Every classroom –� Remus added.

“And every secret passage!� finished Sirius and James together.

“That’s going to take a lot of time. Hogwarts is massive,� Jocelyn pointed out, but none of the boys heard her, for they were all excitedly discussing the map.

“We should put instructions for getting into the secret passages!�

“We’ll have to put security charms on it. It’ll be dead useful, but in the wrong hands …�

“D’you think we could make it a map of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade? So many passages lead there …�

“One thing at a time! I think we’ll have quite enough to be getting on with just mapping Hogwarts.�

“The first step is exploration. We need to make sure we’ve discovered everything!�

“You know what would be brilliant?� said Sirius suddenly. “What if we could put people on it?�

“What?� demanded Remus, frowning at him.

“What if,� said Sirius in a low, excited whisper, “we could make it show everyone at Hogwarts? Little people moving around inside the map, and they’d all have labels so you could see who they are; then you could tell where everyone is and what they’re doing at any given moment. Great for spying on Snivellus … or any other Slytherin, come to that.�

“That,� whispered James in admiration, “is the most brilliant idea I’ve ever heard!�

“I don’t know,� said Remus slowly. “That sounds like a very difficult bit of magic.�

“I can manage it!� said James airily. “I can manage anything.�

“You know, I’ve always wondered why Evans thinks Prongs is so arrogant,� Remus told Peter.

“It certainly is a mystery,� Peter agreed. “I mean, he’s really downright modest!�

“Oh, shut up!� snapped James. Remus grinned at him.

“Pumpkin pie, dears?� asked Mrs Potter, entering the room.

“Yes, please!� said Sirius gratefully.

“Need any help?� asked Remus.

“I’ll manage, dear,� smiled Mrs Potter.

“There’s a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy…�

“Not that bloody song again!� snapped Sirius, rounding on James, who grinned at him and continued, “When we pass around the chocolate and pumpkin pie.�

“It’ll nearly be like a picture print by Currier and Ives,� Jocelyn joined in, and James beamed at her, leaped up, grabbed her by both hands, and pulled her to her feet, both singing, “These wonderful things are the things we’ll remember all through our lives!�

“Everyone!� James shouted.

“These wonderful things are the thing we’ll remember all through our lives!� shouted the others, grins now plastered on all their faces, including Sirius’s.

“Just hear those sleigh bells jingling –�

“No! No! Not again, Prongs!� cried Sirius, laughing and throwing a pillow at his friend.

“All right, fine,� sighed James, chuckling slightly, as Mrs Potter returned with the pie.

They ate in silence for a few minutes before Sirius let out a frustrated growl.

“What is it?� asked Jocelyn, who was now seated beside Sirius, frowning. “What’s wrong?�

“I’ve got that bloody song stuck in my head now!� growled Sirius. “Turn on the wireless, please!�

Smirking at the others, James switched it on, and a moment later a woman’s voice filled the room.

“Celestina Warbeck,� observed Remus, obviously fighting hard to keep from laughing and determinedly avoiding James’s eyes. “Classic.�

“Shut up!� snarled Sirius.

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas,� sang Celestina.

“Well, it’s merrier now that I don’t have to listen to James sing Sleigh Bells,� declared Sirius. James smirked at him.

“It’s Sleigh Ride,� corrected Jocelyn, leaning her head on Sirius’s shoulder.

“Whatever,� Sirius muttered, but he smiled down at her.

“Here we are as in olden days,
?Happy golden days of yore.�

Sirius put his arm around Jocelyn, and she snuggled a little closer to him, closing her eyes as she did so.

“Tired, Joce’?� questioned Remus.

“No, just resting my eyes,� she answered, without opening them.

“But not tired?�

“Well, tired of you talking, maybe,� she responded, the corners of her mouth twitching.

“Yeah, enjoy the music, Moony!� Sirius reprimanded.

“Faithful friends who are dear to us…�

“Very dear,� James agreed.

“Gather near to us once more…�

“But near enough,� said Sirius hastily as James made a move as if to give all of them a hug.

Remus and Peter laughed, while James blinked at Sirius in mock hurt.

“Through the years, we all will be together
If the Fates allow…�

Sirius knew that They would allow it; They had to allow it. He had been alone for so long, and Fate could not force him – or any of them – into painful solitude again. It would be wrong, cruel, unfair not only to him, but also to Remus and Peter. He rested his cheek on the top of Jocelyn’s head.

“And have yourself a merry little Christmas now…�

Jocelyn opened her eyes. “Happy Christmas,� she whispered.

“Happy Christmas,� Remus, Peter, and James agreed.

Sirius looked around at his friends, smiling fondly at them.

“Happy Christmas,� he murmured. “All of you.�

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An earsplitting, heart-tearing howl rips through the hollow silence of Azkaban. Every prisoner shivers in their cell as their despair is vocalized. The anguished note ends in a whine, and he scratches at the walls, but what he wishes to fight – the pain, the agony, Fate itself – he does not know. There is no real reason for exerting his energy in such a fruitless endeavor, yet some Force compels him to do so.

It was wrong for things to turn out this way. Peter should not have turned on them; James and Lily should not have died; Jocelyn should not have grown away from them; Remus should not be alone; he should not be in this cell. He can picture it, the way things ought to have been: they would be gathered round a table together, singing and laughing just as they used to; they would all recall that Christmas, all laugh about it, and it would fill him with joy not pain, and there would be no horrible emptiness at the end of its telling.

“Christmas is coming,� say the Ministry officials, but it means nothing to him. It meant nothing before the Marauders, and it means nothing after them; nothing, then, without them.

Nothing but pain and despair and emptiness.

Fin.