I'm Not That Girl

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl.

The girl sat at an old, rickety table in the Hogwarts library, staring out one of the long glass windows that lined the room. Her long blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders, disturbed only by the wand stuck behind her left ear. This carefree appearance was normal for her, sans the tears running down her face.

"Luna!"

Her clear blue eyes a blotchy red, Luna Lovegood glanced over her shoulder, searching for her caller. There he was, walking cheerily down the isle created by the overflowing shelves of books. She looked away, unable to see in the blinding light entered into her personal darkness.

"Luna, I-" Neville Longbottom stopped dead as he noticed her eyes, her face. "Luna, what's wrong?"

Luna shook her head wordlessly. She couldn't speak now. Not now, with her hurt so fresh. He'd left her, without a word of consolation. How could he do that to me? she thought. I loved him, and he left me!

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

She broke down in fresh sobs. Neville moved in to comfort her, but she resisted his efforts. With one last sympathetic glance, he went away, leaving Luna to her sorrow. Just like Draco! she thought.

With a jolt, she recalled the way he had broken up with her. He had waited outside the Great Hall after dinner the night before, and as she came out, pulled her aside. In a low, expressionless voice, he informed her that he no longer wished for their relationship to continue. He had found someone else he preferred to her, and he couldn’t care less what happened to her.

He crushed her.

She had loved him when no one else would, when he sought refuge against Voldemort, and he deserted her.

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

How could she have ever thought that Malfoy, that slimy git, would love her? Looking back, I know it was foolish, but at the time I thought he was the one for me… Luna longed for the days they had shared, the whispered words between them, the pledges of devotion now gone forever. She imagined him as he had been before the war, the infernal ferret who cared nothing for anyone. It had been startling, the change that had taken place, when he returned from God-knows-where. Draco was kind, he was loving- he had a heart.

But had there been a change? Was it the same person merely wearing a mask? She couldn’t begin to fathom the seemingly irreconcilable opposites of his persona. All she knew was that the light had been taken away; a bright summer’s day plunged into the dark of winter, from which she could see no escape.

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl.

Or was he at fault, after all? Maybe it was she who had changed. Maybe she had thrust him away. Maybe the events of the past day had been her doing, in the end.

Deep inside, Luna knew that wasn’t true. She was not to blame. Yet she could not shake the thought. Voices in her head cried, You brought it upon yourself! and You’re heartless, Luna. “No,” she whispered to herself, but she could not suppress it.

In desperation, she thought of Neville. She regretted thinking as she had about him. Neville, though he had his quirks, had never been anything but kind to her, never offered anything but his sympathy in her sorrow. His friendliness was what had drawn her out of her shell. He was her true friend.

He’s more than Draco could ever be… So much more…

For a moment she fantasized, thinking of all the things they could be. Neville wouldn’t desert her. Neville would stay by her side. Neville would love her. She pictured them together by the lake, watching the sunset, as he leaned over for a kiss… The sudden stab of joy hurt.

But could she handle their relationship? Luna had been hurt too recently and too deep. She didn’t know if she could bear the pain of another loss, especially not the one of her closest and dearest friend. Even if it meant separating herself from all she held dear, she would not put herself another time through that trial by fire. I will not let myself be so vulnerable again. For my own sake.

I’m not that girl anymore. I can’t be.

She left the library, silently thanking whoever might be listening for the deserted corridors. No one would see her tears. She reached the Ravenclaw common room, filled with activity. Usually, Luna would have stayed and enjoyed herself. But not tonight. Tonight she crept silently to her dormitory. Against all her wishes, she cried herself to sleep.

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl.

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