Illusions

Susan didn’t want to think about him. He was reserved for another part of her, for her other life. Her secret life. Now, in this boring History of Magic class on a hot June afternoon was not the time to think about him. But her mind wandered to him anyway. She simply couldn’t help but think about him and his cold grey eyes and how rarely he smiled. But when he did smile it was mesmerizing and Susan would feel herself being trapped in his presence. Susan wondered if he knew the effect that he had on her, and how she would think about him, remember him whenever she was unable to stop herself. He was an addiction for her, someone that she couldn’t help but see. But at the same time Susan knew that no matter how hard she tried addiction would never save them. In the long run, their young love would never save them, would never untangle the web of lies they had spun.

When they were apart the world would turn grey and dreary, and she would feel as though she were forced to spend the rest of her boring life like this. But when she was with him, her world would lighten, colors would become brighter, sounds more musical and scents sweeter. Susan feared the day that they would part and her life would become dark and dull. She knew that something this complicated and beautiful could never last long. The world was just too harsh and their friends too different for this to last. And so she clung to every moment they had together.

Susan stared out the window that she was sitting beside and wondered how the year could have passed so quickly. What would they do when their fifth year ended in a few weeks? An entire summer apart… would they last? And what about after Hogwarts- would they ever survive that? Draco had hinted at things… horrible things. Things that Susan didn’t want to believe, yet she knew that it was true. She picked at the nail polish on her nails. Lately she had taken to biting them again. Back when everything was easy she hadn’t bitten. But now, when love just wasn’t enough her nails were slowly becoming more and more jagged, and smaller and smaller. Susan wished that it was easy again, like when it all began…

Tap, tap.

Tap, tap, tap.

Susan groaned as she groggily opened her eyes. It was pitch black in the dormitory and her watch told her that it was just past three in the morning. She must have been dreaming. Why would an owl be tapping her window at this time?

Tap, tap, tap.

Alright, she hadn’t been dreaming. Susan sat up in bed and leaned over to open the window right beside her bed. It wasn’t an owl. It was Draco Malfoy on a broomstick, floating right outside her window.

“Malfoy?” she whispered, rubbing her eyes. “What’re you doing here? It’s three in the morning.”

“Kiss me,” he said simply, ignoring her previous statement.

“What the hell are you talking about?” asked Susan, wondering what was wrong with this strange boy.

“Kiss me,” Malfoy repeated, as though talking to a young child.

“Why?” inquired Susan, feeling quite flabbergasted.

“Blaise dared me to kiss the prettiest Hufflepuff,” he explained. “So, kiss me.”

“Sorry, Malfoy, you’ve got the wrong Hufflepuff,” said Susan, feeling slightly relieved. “Hannah Abbott is in the bed two windows to the left from here.”

“Don’t be stupid,” said Malfoy. “Abbott isn’t pretty. Now, kiss me.”

It would just be a kiss, she assured herself. Nothing more. Besides, Malfoy thought that she was prettier than Hannah! That was quite an honor. Feeling slightly reckless for the first time in her life, Susan leaned in…

It was only a chaste kiss. But after that it evolved and within a few weeks they were purposely seeking each other out. In the beginning they just talked, but that changed too. That had been in October. It would have been easy if they had told their friends about it then, but now it was too late. They had become paranoid of other people catching them, and their meetings had become scarce and few. It was scary how it had changed so much. Susan hoped that he still loved her, even though they hardly ever spoke anymore. She knew that if they continued like this they would eventually drift apart. That was what was happening. They were becoming more and more separate, and Susan hated it. She wished that everything was simple, like it was for Hannah and Ernie. It just wasn’t fair.

In the beginning, Susan had hated lying to her beloved friends. She felt as though she were betraying them. Now, though, she felt as though she were betraying Draco by not trying to fix their relationship. She wished that she somehow could, she just didn’t know if it was worth it. Susan loved him- she knew that much. The mere fact that she loved him used to be enough to convince her that she and Draco had a chance in the future. But now… after thinking and talking, she knew that it would be hard, and she wasn’t certain that she and Draco were strong enough to do it.

Susan would work in the Ministry, as she had always dreamed, and Draco would be forced to do something else. Well, not exactly forced. She knew that he had always dreamed of working for… that man, if you could call him that. Susan hated thinking about it, but she knew that it was the truth, and she might as well face it: Draco wanted to become a Death Eater, and he probably would become one. It hurt her so horribly that he really wanted it. She liked to tell herself that it was the influence of his father, that someone had him under imperious, that he would resist in when it actually came down to it… But it was all just silly hopes. Silly hopes from a silly girl who wanted to save her first love. Susan told herself that she was selfish for wanting him to stop trying to follow his dream. She knew that it was what he wanted, and that she should let him go. But, oh, how she hated it. If there was anything that she could do to make their love last forever, she would do it. But deep inside herself Susan knew that it would have to end. She couldn’t continue betraying her best friends by being with him. She couldn’t continue turning her back on her family history. Her aunt and uncle had been murdered by Death Eaters. It would just kill her parents and Aunt Amelia if they ever found out about her and Draco. She wished so badly that there was something that she could do to make everything right and perfect, but she knew that it would never happen.

Susan hated herself for making this situation, hated herself for having to choose between those that she loved most, hated herself for having to throw something that she cherished so much away, hated herself for just being alive. If she was dead this would never even have happened. Susan sometimes felt like death was the only way out of this. But she knew that she would disappoint everyone by doing just that. She loved him. She just wished that it was enough. That it was enough to make her time with him last forever, that it was enough for her family and friends to like him, that it was enough for him not to become a Death Eater. But it wasn’t.

“Susan, there is something I need to tell you,” he said. He looked nervous, which was strange. Draco never looked nervous. He always looked just perfect.

“What is it?” she asked. They were sitting behind the greenhouses, their clothes becoming wet because of the early morning dew.

“I received… an offer from the-the Dark Lord,” he mumbled.

Susan’s heart seemed to leap into her throat. Her blood chilled and she could feel her eyes widen. “What-what kind of offer?” she choked out, hoping that it wouldn’t be what she hoped, that it would perhaps even just be a dream, that he was making a sick joke.

“I can’t say much, but it involves me becoming a Death Eater,” he whispered, his eyes darting around, as though suspecting that someone was watching. He had just confirmed her absolute worst fear.

“A Death Eater,” she repeated, dully, her words repeating themselves in her head until she was certain that it would result in madness. A Death Eater, a Death Eater, a Death Eater…

“Yes,” he said. He noticed her expression. “Oh, honestly, Susan! This is my chance to redeem my father in the eyes of the Dark Lord. My mother hates it, of course, but I know that I can do it. Don’t you think so?” He was clearly excited. Not only would he save his family name, but he would also do what he always wanted. She hated it. Draco couldn’t see how she felt. Didn’t he know her at all? Didn’t he know that this was what she feared? Did he expect her to rejoice for him? A little voice in the back of her mind told her that if she truly loved him she would be happy for him no matter what.

“Of course I think so!” she forced herself to smile. “I know you’ll do wonderfully.”

“I knew you’d agree with me,” he said, and rewarded her with one of his dazzling smiles. One of those smiles that Susan could just loose herself in.

Yes, Susan would do anything for one of those smiles. She pretended that she approved of him becoming a Death Eater just for the sake of a smile. She would make jokes, something that she never used to do, just to see him smile at her. His smiles were just one thing that Susan loved about him. She loved how enthusiastic he could be about something, before quickly masking it. She loved how he sucked the tip of his quill when he was thinking. She loved how his nails were always clear and flawless. She loved how he always held himself proudly, even when he had made a mess of things. Draco Malfoy was a wonderful person, and Susan wished that she could hold onto him forever, no matter what anyone else thought. But there were some people that she just couldn’t betray. Class was finally dismissed and Susan was free from the prison of thoughts and memories.

She walked with Hannah to the Great Hall for lunch, not really listening to what her friend was saying. Susan envied Hannah so much. Hannah had an easy, simple life where she got what was best for her. She had a good sense of humor, a bright smile and many friends. But Hannah valued Susan especially as a friend, and sometimes Susan wished that she didn’t. Susan loved Hannah as a sister, but it would be so much easier for her to be with Draco is she didn’t feel so guilty for lying to Hannah and not telling her about Draco. But Susan knew that she might loose her best friend if she ever told her. It would be so much easier if Susan was a friendless orphan. She wasn’t, though, and there was nothing that she could do about it. She hated the thought of disappointing all her dearest friends. It would be horrible.

In the Great Hall, Susan and Hannah took their usual seats, and to Susan’s horror she noticed that they could easily see Draco. Susan kept her head down, not really wanting to confront her fears now. Hannah continued to chatter and Susan hardly listened until Hannah suddenly said, “Well, look at that.”

Susan looked up and caught sight of Draco sitting next to Daphne Greengrass, talking amiably with her. She suddenly felt sick. Her insides were running around in circles and her throat felt dry. She wanted to look away, but she couldn’t. Her eyes were glued to Draco and Daphne. The sound of their two names together had a ring to it. Draco and Daphne sounded so much better than Draco and Susan. Draco and Daphne, Draco and Daphne.

“They’re probably just friends,” offered Susan weakly.

“Possibly,” said Hannah, studying the two Slytherins. “But Draco Malfoy hasn’t so much as looked at another girl all year, and now he’s suddenly talking with one of the most attractive girls in Slytherin.”

“You notice that sort of thing?” asked Susan, her throat hurting more and more by the second. She hardly dared to open her mouth again. She knew that she would start sobbing and reveal everything that she’d been trying to keep secret. Susan didn’t even dare to look at Hannah, in case her face was turning red or something like that. Draco looked up from his conversation and winked across the room at Susan. She smiled weakly back. Apparently Draco didn’t even think of Daphne in a romantic way. But all the same, if Hannah was right when she said that Draco had looked at another girl all year and now he was then something had changed. Perhaps they really were drifting apart and it wasn’t just her own mind taunting her. Perhaps Draco just didn’t love her as much anymore.

Susan quickly rose from her seat and turned to Hannah. “I just remembered that I have to do some Charms homework before Charms today.”

“Susan, are you okay?” asked Hannah worriedly. “We’ve already had Charms.”

“Oh,” said Susan, sinking back into her seat. “I forgot.”

“I hope you’re not going to start doing homework in the library all the time again,” said Hannah, taking a sip of water. “You used to do that all the time, but now you’ve just kind of stopped with that.”

Susan’s spirits only continued to drop. Yes, she and Draco really hadn’t seen a lot of each other lately, and she hadn’t had to lie all the time either. It was bittersweet. She hated not seeing Draco, but lying to Hannah wasn’t exactly wonderful either.

The rest of Susan’s day dragged on in dreary grey colors. The blue sky outside wasn’t suiting her mood at all. She wished that it would rain and wash everything clean again, erase her doubts about her and Draco, reassure her that love was enough. But it would only be pretend. Susan knew that she and Draco wouldn’t be able to last. They had tried as hard as they could these past few weeks by pretending that the reason that they hardly ever saw each other was that they were busy preparing for the OWLs. But if they were meant to be, wouldn’t they make time? There would be no need for illusions if they were really in love. Susan knew that she loved Draco. She also knew that it would never be enough to keep them together. As soon as classes were over Susan walked to the library as quickly as she could. She walked through the maze of bookshelves before she came to their meeting place in a small secluded corner of the library. She hoped that he would come.

Susan didn’t have to wait long before he came. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” he echoed, before kissing her. “It’s been a long time, Bones, darling.”

“Yes, it has,” whispered Susan. Her throat was beginning to hurt even more and her eyes were brimming. She looked down at her feet so that Draco wouldn’t be able to see her face slowly redden.

“Hey,” he said, shaking her shoulder, forcing her to face him. “What’s wrong? You look like a cooked lobster.”

It was too much for her to hold in. Susan was so afraid of what might happen to them that it was impossible not to do it. She cried. For the first time in several years Susan sobbed, allowed tears to run down her face and buried her face in her hands. Confident arms encircled her and held her close to his chest, which she cried onto. Susan knew that he wanted to comfort her, but he was only taunting her with what she might lose. She wanted so desperately for them to be together forever, but she just couldn’t see it. Susan cried until she could cry no more, and her entire body was empty of tears.

“What’s up?” Draco asked. “What’s with the crying?”

Susan took a shaky breath before saying what had been pressuring her all day. She hoped that he would contradict her and tell her that she’d gotten it all wrong. With this thought in mind, she began.

“We’ve been seeing less and less of each other,” Susan said.

“Well, we’ve been really busy with OWLs,” Draco pointed out.

“Oh, Draco,” cried Susan. “You know that’s not the problem! If… if we really had tried we would have seen each other!”

“What are you getting at?” he asked, eyeing her cautiously.

“I’m-I’m tired of sneaking around and lying to all my friends and family. I’m tired of feeling like I’m betraying everyone by seeing you- I…” Susan trailed off, shaking her head.

“I’m tired too,” he said softly.

“And, well, what’s in our future together?” asked Susan, getting some of her strength back. “I’m going to work in the Department of Law Enforcement, and you’re well on your way to becoming a Death Eater. I can’t see how this will ever work. I wish- I wish it was simple again.”

There was a long silence as Draco appeared to think about it. “There are just too many problems,” he finally said. “Is it worth it? To give it another try?”

“I don’t know,” said Susan. “I honestly don’t know. I’d- I’d have to choose between you and my friends and family. I- I don’t know.”

“Maybe,” began Draco, “maybe we should just end it on this.”

All her hopes of Draco contradicting what she said, of him telling her that he’d turn his back on everything to be with her, of them one day getting married and raising a family disappeared. They had tried to make it work, they really had. But apparently, trying just wasn’t enough. There was only one thing to do. Susan nodded. Draco started to walk back the way he came from, and Susan watched him go, knowing that this was it. That they would never be together again, that the love they once had was now lost, even though she would probably always love him anyway.

Draco suddenly turned around and in three long, quick strides he was right in front of her again. He had changed his mind, Susan just knew it. They would somehow make it after all.

“Was there anything else you wanted to say?” she whispered, her eyes searching his. He didn’t say anything, only leaned down and kissed her. It was just like their first kiss, sweet and chaste. Finally he turned around again and this time really walked away, leaving Susan with tingling lips. This was it. It was over. Susan and Draco would never be together again. She stood there in their corner, being flooded by memories for at least five more minutes before finally leaving. She knew that she would never come back to this place. It just wouldn’t be the same.

She emerged from the bookshelves to see Draco sitting with a group of Slytherins on one side of the library and Hannah and a group of Hufflepuff girls waving her over to the other side. Susan dully walked over to them and sat down beside Hannah.

“What were you doing?” asked Hannah.

“Oh, I was just looking for a book that I wanted to borrow, but I couldn’t find it,” lied Susan, knowing that it was the last time that she was lying to Hannah.

Susan knew that this was what was best for both her and Draco. She was where she belonged now, with her Hufflepuff friends. Being with Draco was a wonderful experience, but it was over now. It was a chapter of her life that had ended, and another one was beginning. She knew that it would be hard, but she would somehow be okay.

“Look at this,” said Hannah, taking out a picture. “Ernie gave me this picture of him over Christmas break at his parents’ Christmas party.” She handed Susan the picture of a smiling Ernie in his dress robes, waving at the camera.

“Isn’t he just handsome?” gushed Hannah.

“Yeah,” said Susan, staring across the library at Draco. “He really is.”

The End.