The Wedding Ring



kask



It seemed so long ago that James Potter had had the world in his palm. He certainly did at one point in time. He had always been the golden child – rich, athletic, funny, popular, good-looking. But that wasn’t everything. There was one thing that made all else he had insignificant, one thing that nothing else compared to. That was the ring on his finger.



It was the shimmer of gold that would catch his eye and spread a feeling of warmth throughout him. It was the metal encircling his finger that gave him reason to rise every morning, and that made him the happiest man in the world. When the ring was placed upon his hand, he knew it was all he ever needed.



The ring was just a symbol, though. If it was lost or misplaced, he would recover. But if he lost what that ring stood for, he wouldn’t. James’ wife, his love, Lily, was the one person he could never bear to lose.



Yet, he had.



Even though it was only the previous month, it seemed like a lifetime ago that James had the warmth of a body next to him. He couldn’t remember the feeling of Lily’s long hair on his shoulder or her hand touching his, but he couldn’t imagine a night without those things.



That was, until darkness fell and he climbed into bed with a sleeping Lily. Only she was on the other side, her back turned on him. The distance kept growing, and James had no idea how to bridge it.



Before, Lily would doze wrapped in his arms, her warmth radiating and easing the cold nights. He would lie awake, watching her. The moonlight would spill into the room through a crack in the curtains and bathe her in light, making her hair shine and innocent face glow. He would listen to her steady breath and feel her heartbeat against his own. Every once in a while, Lily’s eyelids would flutter open, like two butterfly wings, and she would smile at him groggily, before telling him to go to sleep. And James would. He would sleep easily, knowing she was safe in his arms.



But that was in the past. Now, he would glance at her sleeping form with melancholy eyes. Her face was hidden beneath a mass of red hair. James never knew that when he crawled into bed, Lily was always awake – tears running down her face.



Their lives turned into a daily routine. Once so happy, Lily had become a robot and James had had no choice but to become one too. He didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t know where the problem had started. He understood what had happened, but couldn’t grasp the way his wife changed. After all, it wasn’t James who turned away from Lily. It was Lily who turned away from him.



They would go to Order meetings and do what they had to do before coming home to the quiet. It wasn’t complete quiet. Lily and James spoke once in a while, but mostly of nothing. Their conversations consisted of Order business, the weather, others’ lives.



Whenever James tried to be affectionate – hug her, kiss her, hold her hand – she would wriggle away, telling him it wasn’t the time. She couldn’t find it within herself to care about the pain in James’ eyes. Not when she had her own pain to deal with.



It went on for two months. For those two months, James hadn’t seen his vivacious, beautiful wife. Instead, he lived with someone he didn’t know. This person had empty eyes, not the dancing green ones he was so familiar with, and a harsh tone.



It was the indifference in her eyes that killed him. Lily, who once looked at him with adoration and sparkling eyes, couldn’t bear to meet his eyes and it wasn’t something James could live with. Not forever.



Every morning, he would awaken with hope that it was the day Lily would be back; that the girl he was so madly in love with would resurface. And everyday, James was disappointed. He would turn onto his side to see if she was there – she never was. Lily would be sitting at the table, feigning that she had just awoken.



After she had left for the shower one morning, James stuck his finger into her coffee. It was cold as ice.



*



He couldn’t take it anymore. The loneliness was eating him alive. He didn’t care that Lily didn’t want to be intimate, and that she escaped his hugs and he rarely got to kiss her cheek. It was the lack of laughter, of smiles, of conversation; it was the anguished stone cold look on her face. It was the fact that he couldn’t do anything to take away her pain, to make her happy. James couldn’t protect his wife.



The warm July air drifted through an open window as they sat at the dinner table. James knew better not to say anything. Her answers hurt him too much. So he ate quickly, the shower awaiting him. He had taken to taking three or four showers a day – one in the morning and a few in the evening.



James would let the steaming water run over him and, for a little while, drown out all of his problems. In midst of the hot water and steam, he could forget everything. He could forget the quiet, his loveless marriage, and his unhappiness.



Riding his broom gave him a similar feeling. Only on his broom, he was given a feeling of euphoria. He would take playing Quidditch or a broom ride over a shower any day, but he couldn’t do it too often. James understood Quidditch. When he played the game, he got the same sensation he did when standing next to the girl he married. Only, it was stronger with Lily. It was his passion. It was something he loved, and it felt good to have something he loved.



These things were temporary relief, but some relief was better than none.



He allowed himself to glance at Lily, who was carefully cutting her meat. Something about her hair and the summer air’s prickle brought James back to the previous summer.



They were just married last July, and they had been happy. Countless recollections of days lying on the beach, evenings dancing on a small pavilion near the boardwalk and nights in one another’s arms floated through James’ memory. Lily’s skin was so brown, while his was more on the red side.



“I don’t need sunscreen! I’ve never been burned a day in my life,� James said pompously as Lily waved the bottle in his direction. Used to it, Lily rolled her eyes and applied some to her shoulders.



Later that night, Lily was rubbing a Potion onto James’ crisp back.



“It’s my fault. I should have listened to you,� he apologized miserably. He had learned it was best to admit his mistakes to Lily.



Lily smiled, her eyes luminous. She liked caring for James and she liked seeing him vulnerable once in a while.



“Of course you should have,� she answered. “I’m your wife.�



James grinned. She was his wife. She was his forever. Lily Potter... his wife. The idea so new that neither of them could get over it.



“You don’t have to do that,� James said as Lily blew on his back, guilty that he didn’t take heed in what she had earlier said.



“Yes, I do. I’m your wife,� was all she replied, looking down at the ring around her finger.



Snapping back to present day, James instinctively looked at the gold enclosing his own finger. It was exactly the same as it was when Lily had placed it on him. It was their relationship that had changed...



His eyes then travelled to her hand. He needed the reminder that they were still in it. That they still had something keeping them together – the promise of forever. But as he searched her hand, he realised there was no ring on her finger. So his eyes rapidly moved to her other hand. Her wedding band was nowhere in sight.



It was as though someone punched him in the stomach. The wind had been knocked out of him. Lily had taken off her wedding ring, something she said she would never do.



“Are you sure you want to marry me?� she joked when they were first engaged. “Because once you put that ring on my finger, I’m never taking it off. It’ll be mine for eternity, just as I’ll be yours.� James grinned and kissed her mouth, knowing that he would like nothing better.



“L-Lily?� he said, regaining his voice. He knew that it was almost over. Lily had removed her wedding ring and what they had was coming to an end. There was no away around it anymore. She was gone and James couldn’t live with a ghost.



“What?� she asked, looking up after a moment.



James hand was trembling as he ran it sadly over his face and through his hair. He had to do all he could to keep from crying as his world crumbled around him.



“Where --� he took a deep breath, his eyes two pools of sorrow. Lily looked at him, not quite meeting his eyes, but curious. For the first time in months, she allowed herself to feel for him. She examined the heartbreak in his eyes, the misery in his way and the break in his spirit. But that was all Lily did; she didn’t say anything because she wanted him to continue.



A part of her wanted James to say it. She wanted him to call it quits, to stop fighting. She wanted him to yell, to announce his leave and slam the door. Lily wanted James to end it all, because then she could be angry with him instead of herself.



“Where is your ring?� he asked, every word agonising to say.



His question surprised Lily. She thought he would ask something about where she went, where the girl he loved had ran off to. But her ring?



Lily gazed down at her hand nonchalantly. He was right; it was bare. It was strange to see her finger without the band. And, suddenly, she felt naked and exposed. Had men, who didn’t realise she was married, been looking at her when she was out? Had they thought she was single? Maybe that she was still Lily Evans, not Potter?



How had she not noticed that her ring was gone? But then it hit her – she had taken it off the previous week. She was washing her hands in the bathroom when she felt an urge to remove it – just to remind herself of what it felt like to have a free hand. She had intended to put it back on.



Lily liked it though. She immediately felt the weight lifted from her hand and from her soul. It felt as if she was starting fresh again, as if she could forget the hell she went through with James. So, Lily placed the ring gingerly in the cabinet and left it there.



“Well?� James asked angrily. He wasn’t going to wait for an answer while his wife inspected her hand.



Lily jerked her head upwards at James’ outburst. “I-I took it off when I was doing the dishes,� she lied quickly. “I guess I forgot to put it back on.�



Was that what Lily’s life had become? Had she become so mechanical and lost that she couldn’t remember removing her wedding ring until her husband, on the verge of leaving, questioned her? Was her life that much of a blur?



James searched her eyes for a sign of anything. He needed something to tell him that Lily was still there, a hint of something to let him know how she felt.



At first, her eyes travelled up his face, scrutinizing every inch. It was so familiar – the curve of his lips, the light freckle on his jaw, the arch of his brow, the texture and waves in his hair. And then, Lily looked back into his eyes.



It was James who looked back at her. James – heartbroken and tired. The whole time, she hadn’t been hiding from her husband, someone who didn’t understand; she had been hiding from James Potter. James, the man she loved, yet had not looked at in months. The person she planned to spend forever with. It wasn’t just her husband she left in the dark – it was her best friend, her family, her everything. And Lily was losing him…



He furrowed his brow, breaking their eye contact, and rubbed his face. When he looked back at her, his eyes were hollow and bloodshot.



“You weren’t doing dishes, were you, Lily?� he asked, his voice low.



She felt like weeping. It was James! She wanted to cry out to him, but didn’t know how. How could she fix it? The gap was too large.



All she could do was shake her head, something that made James start to cry. Tears trickled down his face for a moment before he briskly wiped them away.



“I think –� the words killed him, “I think this is it. I wanted to try – I-I really did, but I can’t live like this anymore.� James Potter was defeated. His voice was unusually calm, but maniacal all the same. It was full of statement. He was merely speaking; he was conversing over the events that transpired with no hope of changing them. It was the strange finality in them that made Lily uneasy. His words were not funny, yet he let out a brittle laugh.



“I can’t live in the silence, wondering what I did to make you hate me and if I will spend the rest of my life lonely and hurt. I can’t stand missing you when you’re standing next to me, and never knowing what you are doing in the world without your ring. I can’t sleep another night with your back turned to me, or wake up another morning with you sitting at the kitchen table. I’ll go insane, Lily. We shouldn’t have to live like this. And I’m not going to. It hurts too badly.�



Lily just looked at him, rubbing one hand over the other’s bare skin. He was going to leave. He was going to walk out the door and never come back.



“And you know what hurts more?� James was on the border of tears once again. She didn’t answer him. It was like she wasn’t there, but watching from the sidelines. That’s how Lily’s life had been for the past months. She watched it all happen with no control. She just aimed to make it through the day, not caring what went on during it.



“You sitting there, not even caring!� he yelled without her answer, furious at her indifference, at the vacant look in her eye. “You just letting it all fall apart without notice! You don’t care whether I stay or leave. So why should I?�



He ran a hand through his hair, hoping for some sort of response. He hoped that, by yelling, he would ignite some of her old spark, her fire. James had hoped Lily would come back. After a minute, he realised that, once again, his hopes were crushed.



“We lost a baby, Lily! And it was no one’s fault! It wasn’t mine and it wasn’t yours. But if you lose me, it will be. If you let our marriage fall, you’re to blame!� James cried wildly.



She felt her hand again. Where was her wedding ring? She desperately wanted it on her finger. Had people really thought she was single when she wasn’t wearing it? Lily didn’t want that, she had only ever wanted the world to know she was James’. Why did she take it off again? She had said she would never take it off…



James shook his head hopelessly. He was walking toward the door. He was grabbing his cloak; his hand was on the doorknob. If he left, they were over. If he walked through the threshold, there was no fixing it.



“I don’t think there is a thing in the world Lily and James couldn’t work through. I’ve known them both forever and I’ve never seen a love so strong. They’ve been through so much together already – sharing the ups and downs of life, the sorrow and the joy—their relationship evolving all the way. And proving that they can make it through any curveball life throws at them.



They always put each other first, with a faith in one another that I can only dream of having in someone someday. They bring out the best in each other, and I can honestly say that Lily without James, or James without Lily, would leave two very incomplete people. They are only whole and at ease when they are together. I couldn’t imagine either of them with anyone but each other.



Together they can overcome any obstacle. And I know all the happiness and light they will bring to one another’s life. To my best mate and his bride, may you always be there for each other – sharing the smiles and the dances, making it through the fights and difficult times – strengthening your relationship through it all. May your love be eternally strong, as it is now. What you have is rare and amazing. Treasure it and treasure one another. Never forget that you are in it together, for the long run. I love you both! Congratulations!� Sirius Black said, raising his glass.



There was a round of applause as Lily stood and hugged him.



“It was beautiful, Sirius, it really was.� Sirius kissed Lily’s cheek and smiled, before he embraced James in a large hug.



“I’m so happy for you, Prongs,� Sirius said wholeheartedly. James grinned at his best friend. He had never been so happy, as his eye caught the glitter of wedding ring. It didn’t get much better than that.



All of a sudden, Lily wasn’t watching anymore. She didn’t see herself rise from the table and go to stop the boy. It was her. Something had clicked; it fell into place and she was there again.



Whatever had happened, Lily knew she couldn’t let James leave. Without thinking about it, she followed him and clasped his shoulder with her hand.



With a few seconds of hesitation, he turned to face her.



“Please don’t go,� Lily whispered. “We’ll fix it. We can make it through anything, remember?� She fiddled with her hands nervously.



James stared at her for a while. Could they really work it out? Was Lily really back? He wanted to believe that she was. He wanted to believe that it would all be okay, and with that hope, he followed her to the couch to listen to her.



Lily didn’t start off with what had happened, or why she turned away from him. In a way, it was self-explanatory. She had miscarried. Her baby had died, and Lily was lost in grieving. But James couldn’t help but feel there was more.



Lily had lost her parents; she had lost friends and family members. But she had moved on, she didn’t stop speaking. Why was this baby so different? Why was this loss so great that she couldn’t even talk about it to her husband?



She looked into James’ eyes for a moment, before falling to pieces. She had cried about it so many times, but never to James. When the baby was first lost, she had put on a stoic face. Lily wanted to handle it on her own, to mourn in her own way, and she knew that if she spoke, she would break down. So she didn’t and somewhere along the way, lost herself.



“James,� she murmured softly, tears plunging down her cheeks. Her head fell into her hands and she began to sob quietly.



Instinctively, James pulled her toward him and rubbed her head comfortingly, tears escaping his own eyes.



For minutes or days, they sat there, both crying for the baby that they had never met. For the things their son or daughter would never experience and the life he or she would never live. They mourned together; something neither got to do months before.



Lily’s finger found James’ cheek and wiped away a few of his teardrops. And then their lips met. It didn’t fix everything; no kiss could do that. But a bit of the gap was bridged. They were on the same page.



“Tell me it all,� was all James said. She tilted her head inquiringly. “I want to know everything, tell me how you feel, what you felt. I want to be here.�



Lily blinked, her green eyes large.



“It’s my fault,� she said, accepting full responsibility of what had happened. “I didn’t want the baby.�



James wrinkled his eyebrows at her, not understanding. “What do you mean? We wanted the baby. You were so excited,� James asked, dumbfounded. Lily wanted the baby; she talked about it with such joyful tones…



“After you got to me,� she said guiltily. Lily couldn’t tell him that it was all her fault the baby was gone before. But she had to now; she had to be honest. “I was afraid at first. All I could see was my future slipping away. I would be saddled with a baby for the rest of my life. I couldn’t do anything meaningful for the Order.�



“A baby wouldn’t do that,� James interjected.



“Yes, it would! Maybe not for you, but for me! You and Sirius would be out there helping and fighting, while I would be at home, feeding the baby and changing diapers. I would be a mother for the rest of my life.�



“It wouldn’t have to be like – �



“You don’t understand!� said Lily furiously. James couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t happy that his wife’s anger was back. The fire in her eyes had rekindled. “I would be the pregnant one. Do you think anyone, including you, would let me do dangerous work for the Order while pregnant? Or shoot spells with a baby on my hip?�



Lily was right. She would have the responsibility to be home with the baby. James would have changed it if he could, but it was biologically impossible for him to have children, so it would be all Lily.



“You’re right,� he admitted. “I was afraid too, though. I don’t know how to raise a baby. But it was an adventure, and I’d take on any adventure if you were there. To me, the baby was another thing to live for.� It was a conversation they should have had when first discovering the presence of the baby, not after it was gone.



Lily gave a small smile. “That was how I felt later. At first, I hoped and prayed that it was a mistake and that I really wasn’t pregnant. But then I told you. And you made it seem like such a great thing, so great that I looked forward to the baby. I would see the little clothes when I was out shopping and think about how there would be another person to buy gifts for on Christmas and someone to tuck into bed at night, read stories to, hug and kiss. I wanted the baby so badly.�



James kissed the top of his wife’s head as he listened.



“But you know what I thought about most?� James shook his head a little.



“That it’s a dangerous time, and you could die. But if I had a baby, I would have a piece of you,� Lily confessed.



“You shouldn’t have thought about that. I’m not going anywhere,� he reassured gently.



“If I hadn’t hoped I wasn’t pregnant…� Lily trailed off, as James shook his head.



“It wasn’t that. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I don’t blame you, Lily.�



A tear fell down her cheek. “I blame me though.�



“It wasn’t meant to be,� James said firmly. “There will be other babies, and it’ll be perfect when we have them, I swear. And if it’s not, we have to talk about it. When things get bad, we can’t just cut each other out. We’re in it together.�



“I know; I’ve always known that. But something came over me, and…� Lily’s voice trembled at the memory, “… I hated you. Until I realised that it was you and I could never hate you.�



“That’s not what I remember,� he stated with a rueful smile.



Lily shrugged with a smile. Her eyes were bright once again. And James felt love surge through him.



“I was young.�



James responded by putting his arms around his wife and pulling her toward him so she leaned against his chest. She tilted her head back, onto his shoulder.



“We’ll make it,� he whispered to her.



“I know,� Lily replied surely, so happy to feel somewhat whole again. Maybe there would always be an empty spot in her heart for her lost child, but she could live with it. She could move on.



They would talk again the next day and everyday after that, reconciling and their love growing. They would make it so things would be better than ever – leaning on and appreciating one another.



But, that night, Lily and James were tired, so they sat. They sat there, James stroking Lily’s temple, for a long time.



Later that night, before getting into bed with James, Lily went into the bathroom. She delicately opened the medicine-cabinet and removed her wedding ring. She studied it for a moment.



It was her ring. It was what she and James had in a nutshell. It was the symbol of what mattered to her; it was what told the world that she wasn’t going to be looking for another person ever again. And she knew that it would never be off her finger for a second time.



Lily slipped the little halo back onto her finger – how right it felt!



When getting into bed a few moments later, she did not turn her back to James. Instead, she snuggled into his arms, overwhelming him with complete joy. His heart swelled up with love; it made him want to cry from happiness. His Lily was back!



They both slept deep and peacefully. But before slumber overcame, James grasped Lily’s hand, feeling her wedding band set on her finger. He glanced down at his own ring, remembering the words that were inscribed on the inside.



L.E. and J.P. Forever and for always.



And he knew that the words were true. That afternoon, he thought that he had lost everything. Now, everything was sleeping in his arms. James knew nothing would get between them again and they would fix it all. It would take time, but their love was strong.



After all, they were Lily Evans and James Potter. Nothing could get in the way of that. As both of their wedding rings read, they were everlasting, because true love just doesn’t die.