“At the risk of sounding impertinent, Professor, we have some matters to discuss.� How Severus had entered without a password I did not know, nor did I care to find out. In the last couple of years it had become quite clear to me that he was no longer on our side, and while I was polite and welcoming as ever, I would be a liar and a fool if I did not admit that I held little affection for the young man. He was suspiciously well-groomed; his black hair combed and cut, and dressed in travelling robes.

“Severus. Please, make yourself comfortable,� I said delicately, fanning out my fingers across my large oaken desk. Fawkes crowed maliciously, clawing at his cage. This in itself wasn’t odd, as Fawkes was greying and half-peeled. I predicted he had at most a week until his burning time. He was always cranky when he was near death, but there was something hidden in his squawks that I had not heard for a long time. Nevertheless, I hushed him with a wave of my hand, drawing out a couple of lemon drops from one of the most hidden drawers. I have found in my sometimes drawn-out life that often those searching for things rarely look in the most obvious places, especially if they know you’re hiding it from them. Thus, I hide much of my secret papers and all of my, albeit small, love life scrawled into letters in the uppermost drawer to the right, unlocked. Lemon drops were of great importance as the nights grew longer now; I needed the sugar to keep me awake. There was already too much bitterness in this time to use coffee.

“I’ll stand.� There were small, purple rings around his eyes and redness to his cheek that I was not familiar with. I had never seen Severus cry, but I supposed that was how it would have looked. I imagined it then, staring at his clear almost iris-less eyes. Him standing straight, proud, all the while snivelling; lost tear drops navigating between tapered eyelashes and ghosts of smirks.

“Very well.� In all honesty I had no idea why he was here. There were rumours that he was a Death Eater. More than rumours. So theoretically the only time I should have seen his face was at the other side of a wand.

“My sources have told me Sarah Vance is dead.�

I had of course been aware of this for quite some time. The bright, young witch had been one of my favourite students, though she was never as popular as her older sister Emmeline; nor as kind. Sarah was a true Ravenclaw; she was lazy, occasionally cowardly, had no idea of where to go in the future, but by Merlin the girl was smart. Not the most adept with a wand, but she saw things that we couldn’t in places we didn’t even know existed. Lonely as both a child and adult she kept neither child nor lover in her house. She had even missed the Order Picture simply out of forgetfulness and a slight distaste for everyone, everyone except James Potter. She was sweet to James, and occasionally Lily.

It was her choice to distract the mobs of Death Eaters that had swarmed us unexpectedly last night, but we had all agreed with her. There were sacrifices that were required of us. But if she were alive she would not want this excuse of a man to inform Voldemort of the Dark Lord’s success. “Lemon drop, Severus?� I would force his hand, for Sarah’s sake.

“Is she dead?� He pushed away from the doorway towards me, his gaze warped with fresh despair. I squinted, and then frowned. Perhaps I had been too hasty in judging him.

“Severus,� I chided gently, standing up creakily and guiding him into a seat. He slumped into it easily; too easily. What had this war made me into? A prophet of some loveless philosophy? Win or die. The winning was pointless without the forgiveness; the war would only continue. I had been a fool.

He slammed his fist against the table causing Fawkes’ cage to jump in the air rattling the already peevish beast. There was no calming him. He released shriek after shriek into the dusty air of my office. At first they were merely grating but soon they began to crackle. He was burning; flames consumed him, charring my desk. Severus watched patiently; eyes flicking away from the desk, focusing intently on the carpeting. “How did she die?�

“Death Eaters,� I said calmly, watching the dust of Fawkes, and then Severus. Fawkes usually wasn’t so easily excitable, even so close to his death day that he would burst into flame. Phoenixes are acutely sensitive to despair and cannot flourish within it. This was partly the reason why I kept Fawkes around; he started screeching madly if I ever got too unhappy. And it’s quite hard to give into despair and be furious at your usually beloved pet at the same time.

“Where?� He looked up, his eyes like the shadows of stars, trying desperately to bore into mine, to find something to hate.

“The Knockturn Alley raid.�

“Where?� I had never seen Severus struck by disbelief, by shock. There was something easy and lonely about the boy that even Tom Riddle could never match, but now he was without it. I averted my eyes, as if he were suddenly naked.

“Knockturn--�

“I heard you the first time, old man! If you are determined to parrot yourself then I shouldn’t waste anymore of my time.� He stormed up and out of the chair towards the door. Soon his thin, pianist fingers were red from gripping the doorknob so hard.

“Severus, please. You were correct in the gravity of this discussion.� I could not afford for him to leave, not when he would only go back to his lord and be killed for impertinence. That was, of course, if I was right about himself and Sarah.

He turned around, his hand not leaving the doorknob, his black eyes softening, though from despair or hope I could not tell. “I…,� he opened his mouth for a second and then closed it brutally, ashamed.

My eyes widened in understanding. We had suspected there must have been a tip-off from one of the Death Eaters to our location, but we had no concept of whom. “Severus, I will tell you whatever you wish to know, but I insist you sit down.�

He sat without complaint. “Who killed her?�

“I don’t know.�

“How can you not know?�

“I was not there.�

“Don’t one of your people know,� he sneered viciously.

“They were also not there.� I was afraid of very little, but I had known the rage of losing someone you loved. At that moment I was afraid of one of my students for the first time. And though I had faced far greater wizards than him without a blink I knew the kind of things that were possible when struck with that brand of grief, and if ever I should forget I always had my drawer of love-letters to remind me.

“She was alone?� He leaned in to me, disturbingly close. I could smell that despite his slicked-back hair and façade of cleanliness he hadn’t bathed with soap in at least a week. “But the Knockturn Alley raid was supposed to be a group, that was the information I was given.�

There was stretched silence. He was a smart boy in school and I wondered if he deliberately was taking too long to figure it out. Then, slowly, Severus took out his wand, and pointed it at my throat. I did not tremble or shake, I blinked calmly back at him. For all appearances I was not afraid. It was a lie.

“You murdered her, you bastard! You left her as a distraction.�

“I have only acted in accordance with saving the most people.� I refused to put him at fault when I could already see the guilt festering in his gaze. I could remember only to well the guilt, though I had been considerably less at fault than he. I had not been actively trying to kill my lover’s friends. I had not caused my own lover’s demise by trying to save myself. I had not given the tip-off that led an ambush of her, and left her lonely enough to throw herself into that kind of sacrifice.

“No you murdered her because she wasn’t one of your precious Mudbloods. And here you claim to be fighting against discrimination. � His wand hand was shaking, and slowly he began to drop it down, as his voice became sharper.

“Arthur and Molly have children, as do Lily and James. Sarah was alone--�

“She died for Potter?� Wonder and hatred was etched on his face in the most peculiar combination.

“Potter’s son, and the Weasley’s children,� I corrected amicably.

“Damn it! I knew she would do this. Just because she knew that we couldn’t – I couldn’t…,� he trailed off, still afraid to reveal too much.

“There is a large difference between suicide and sacrifice, Severus.� I began to rub my eyes, the hour had stretched on for far too long and even with my lemon drops I could still feel the years of war on my shoulders.

“Not with Potter, might as well have been the same thing,� he snarled. And then, slowly, he sunk into the velvet plush of the chair, his back arching, his once neatly-combed hair falling into familiar scraggily strands across his face. He was like a student again before me his eyes pleading for redemption. “What can I do?�

I refused to offer him what I could not give. Only his actions would give him release, but I would give him hope. Everyone deserved hope even though in these times it seemed to be in short supply. “Spy for me.�

He looked up tentatively at me from behind his now messy, black scraggily hair. “I cannot.�

“Then I can offer no advice, or forgiveness, Severus.�

“I did not murder her!� There was the feral gleam of hatred, erupting into the echoes of violence as his fist once again bashed into my table, his voice the colour of the thunder and the texture of tidal waves. This would be my third table that needed replacing. “She died for Potter’s precious baby.�

“She died because she believed that no one loved her.� I would not spare him the truth when it might be his only shot at redemption. I would be cruel to save him. I would do anything to save him when my imperceptiveness about him and Sarah had cost them both so dearly.

“And being a double-agent for you would save me.�

“No.� I nodded my head wearily, knowing that for the crimes Severus had committed he would need the severest atonements. “To truly honour her death you must protect those she sacrificed for. You must keep the Potters safe.�
“By spying for you,� he muttered bitterly.

“If that is necessary,� I countered.

“Do you require a blood oath?� There was something colder in him, in his stride. Many would have recognized it as anger but I knew it as acceptance.

“I think enough blood has been spilled tonight,� I said.

His eyes narrowed suspiciously. “So be it.� There was no binding agreement without blood; he could very well spy for Voldemort on me if he so wished, but I refused to play into his hand of distrust. I would not doubt the power of love when every time I had previously been mistaken.

“Until tomorrow, Professor,� he said, somehow managing to revert into his previous state of apathy.

“Call me Albus.� Surreptitiously I popped another lemon drop into my mouth.

“Albus?� Perhaps I was a fool, but I sensed some sort of affection in the name, nothing grandiose, just a plain kind of reverence. He stood up turned and once again put his hand on the doorknob before turning around one last time. “This will stay a matter between the two of us.�

“Of course,� I assured him, noting the new timbre of fear. I supposed it was better than the previous emptiness.

“Until tomorrow then.�

“Until tomorrow.�