The room is dark. I can barely see the silhouette of the furniture in the flickering candlelight.

Candles.

My eyes focus on one – the swaying flame, the single drop of wax dripping down the side, the radiating warmth. They always remind me of her, how they burn so brightly but go out so soon.

My mind is free to wander. Most of the time I can cover it all up; I can forget because of the daily hassle of life. With papers to grade and my own skin to save, it’s easy to forget the past, but the relief is never permanent. You can’t escape your own mind. No matter how many silver strands I pull from my temple, it’s still there. You can’t run from yourself; it always catches up to you.

I don’t know how it happened, how my life became a tangled mess of guilt, regret, lies, confusion, and cover-up. It’s reached the point where I don’t even know who I am. It has all been a lie, all pretend, to hide who I really am. Now I don’t know who that is.

My life has been bitter – I am bitter. Whatever I am now, I never meant to be that. I didn’t want either of them dead. I never meant for any of it to happen – but it did, and I can’t change that.

Maybe she was attracted to me; I wouldn’t really know. I was smart; I had the brain and an ability that wasn’t seen very often. Lily Evans had it, too; it was beyond talent and test grades. It was desire, a desire for knowledge. We could see beyond magic and understand how to create it.

James Potter had talent, I’ll admit. He was talented in more ways than I. He had the gift of words, Quidditch, humour, warmth, and even some skill with a wand. He and his friends did some extraordinary things; I can’t deny it now. Why should I? None of it matters anymore. He’s dead, and it’s my fault.

His magic was mindless; he used it for pranks and jokes, things I never cared for. I never laughed much – I still don’t. But James Potter could never do what Lily and I could in Potions. That’s where it all began, I suppose – Potions.

Lily and I were often paired together, being the best in our class, and having such a brilliant partner more than made up for Potter’s insufferable presence. Sometimes I would get stuck with a real sod-head, and those were the times that I appreciated Lily’s intelligence most.

As arrogant as Potter was, as oblivious he was to some things, he did have some taste. He had had a thing for Lily since day one. But she, to my pleasure, never returned his feelings – not right away, that is.

Lily was easy to talk to – affable, really – and funny. She had a wonderful sense of humour, not like Potter and his friends. Her jokes were clever and witty. And she had the most beautiful Slytherin-green eyes; they always sparkled. And to a certain extent, I could be myself around her. I even made a joke here and there. By fourth year, we were creating our own shortcuts in Potions. We worked well together.

I’ll never know if Lily really liked me. In fifth year, she asked me out, quite a few times, but I always said no. I couldn’t open up to anyone enough to go out with, and even Lily was no exception. Besides, Lily was just a Potions partner, not a girlfriend. Everyone in school liked her. What would they say? The pairing just didn’t make sense. Beautiful, bright Lily Evans with Severus Snape? And what would my people say? Snape with the Muggle-born prefect? I would never let that happen. But I did nurture a secret joy that Lily liked me over James Potter.

I was mysterious, I suppose; I never let her get to know me. Even at my warmest, I was cold. I was curt and unkind. Lily always thought that James thought her a challenge. I don’t think he did. But to Lily, I was a challenge. People like her feel they can change anyone. I was a guy who hated the world, that didn’t confide in anyone. She wanted to be the girl who melted my frozen heart, to become the person to whom I told everything. That’s my theory, anyway; Lily wanted to turn the mean Slytherin into a friendly Gryffindor.

Lily never really wanted me. She wanted James Potter. He was everything she wanted me to be.

“You don’t have to hide from me; you don’t have to be angry. You could be so different. Everyone would see you in a different light. Maybe cut your hair, make it so your eyes shine a bright brown.�

She wanted James Potter’s hazel eyes, is all. She was just too proud to admit it. James hated me, and for a while, she hated James. I think it gave her a satisfaction to be friends with the one person he loathed.

It never was the same after fifth year, after the day by the lake after our Defence Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. Lily saw me in a brand new light that day, but she was only seeing the real me for the first time. After that, she had no more hope for what I could be; she only saw what Potter saw. That’s when she became his. That’s when Lily realised that no matter how hard she tried, I was a Slytherin. I was a selfish prat who feigned hatred of Muggle-borns because I had nothing else.

It was only after that incident that I began to see everything James Potter had seen since the beginning. It all became so clear after she stopped speaking to me about anything other than Potions, and even that didn’t last long. She must have requested not to work with me, because after a few weeks into sixth year, we weren’t paired together for the rest of the year.

She was usually paired with Lupin or Black, and that’s when she began to be civil to Potter and friendly with the others. It was during the second term of sixth year that she started to like Potter. It had always been apparent to me that she had a thing for him, but I had never cared. She was just a pretty Potions partner that I enjoyed speaking to. But after fifth year, I was jealous.

I realised that I loved Lily Evans. It was too late, though. Every day she grew fonder of James Potter, and when he was made Head Boy… It was in Potions that Lily told James she loved him. Everyone heard it; she said it rather loudly. I don’t know what conversation prompted the announcement, but it seemed like she was trying to get him to listen to her. He could be so thick.

By the next day, they were dating. The whole school knew. And to my dismay, I had never seen her look so happy. But I knew why Lily wanted James Potter; I knew why she didn’t want me. Potter had everything I lacked. He gave her everything. He was affectionate and tender. Potter wasn’t afraid to be with her or open up. He didn’t care what anyone thought about them or what her background was. He would have done anything for her.

When it came to Lily, he was selfless. He was in love with her, and he knew how to love her, something I didn’t. And Lily was the same way. After all those years of her chasing me, and James chasing her, she fell for him. She would have done anything for him. The next time I worked with Lily in Potions, there were stars in her eyes. She was madly in love with him, and I was long forgotten with both of them. They had each other.

Eventually, a girl is going to choose the love that is returned. Lily did, and she found it.

They were married almost two years after graduation. I read about it in the paper. I’m surprised that I remember that, and even more so that I was reading the paper during that time; I was so indulged in the Dark Arts that I can’t remember much else.

I knew that Lily would have been ashamed of me; at least, she would have been at one point. But she was married to Potter then, and she didn’t care. So I didn’t care, either. I didn’t care who I hurt when I was with the Dark Lord.

It all changed after I heard their name; I changed. A part of me began to realise that what I was doing was wrong, but another part of me didn’t care. That part was happy to hear Lily and James’ names. It added to the pot for me, in a way. A part of me wanted revenge. I’m not even sure on whom I wanted revenge. After all, it was my fault that she chose James; he was the better person. And now she had a son. Lily had a family, and I was alone. No, not alone – I was with the Dark Lord, and that was worse than being alone.

I’ll never forget the day they died. Yes, I was there; I went. I was responsible for this death. I had killed before, of course; it was part of the job. Some of the people I had seen, heard of, or met before; but it was different with James and Lily. It hit closer to home. I had gone to school with them. I had known them since I was eleven.

James was killed first, and I felt a pang of guilt as his lifeless body fell to the ground. Yes, I hated him. I thought him a jerk. There had even been times I wanted to see him dead. But I never thought I would see it. I never thought I would see him crumpled on the ground, his face the exact image of when I last saw him at Hogwarts.

I heard Lily’s shriek. I heard him offer her life, and then I heard her die, knowing it was my entire fault. I haven’t been able to escape it since then. I haven’t been able to rid the look on Potter’s face as he tried to defend his family from my mind. I haven’t been able to erase Lily’s screams or Potter’s lifeless form.

I wonder what it would be like had I not become a Death Eater, had I chosen a different path in the beginning. I picked the road I walk on; I know that much, and now I am sick with regret. How could I have done so much harm in my life? Me, the boy who set off to Hogwarts with so much hope for a different life. It was discarded quickly. I didn’t know how to change, I didn’t know how to act, and I was hated for it. And as a result, I have the guilt of more deaths than just Lily and James’.

But I live with it. I live with the constant reminder of it. It’s always there. Just when I rid myself of it for a little while, there comes Harry Potter. Harry Potter, with James’ face and Lily’s Slytherin-green eyes. Harry Potter wandering around the castle, Harry Potter breaking rules. Harry Potter with a strange mixture of James’ insolence and Lily’s attitude. It was as though he was sent to never let me forget my mistake, to constantly remind me and make me suffer. But I deserve it. I’m responsible for ending two lives much too soon. And there is no way to get around that. Except to continue to live, until my own flame is blown out.