One

Fade�
A constant rhythm, pulsating in your veins,
And that one instinct
Telling you what to do
Fade away into the darkness�

It is usually the people with the most to hide, the most to hold, that stay hidden.

And then of course, there is Peter. Peter, who has nothing to hide.

When he is ten he reads his first newspaper- faded brown musty parchment which he has so carefully preserved in his trunk for years, narrow little lines of even narrower script. And when he reads, he knows. He knows that it isn�t a perfect place out there.

Perhaps, all that is left of his world now is shadowy men and broken vows.


Two

One grey September morning when the glass is frosted over, and the air is wintry and dead, a boy with long, black hair and handsome grey eyes decides to lend Peter his trust.

Possibly, this casual shake of hands and mild snippets of conversation might be the most momentous moment of both their lives, except neither of them knows that as yet and when they do, they will look back at it with bitterness but it will be an eternity too late.

The world falls�
A ray of hope, shining in the horizon
And all the time you tell yourself- just a little further, just a little further,�
For some reason it never comes.

Maybe, just maybe, Peter prefers the darkness.

Three


It is the journeys, you walk with the sun,
Hours�
Nothing is forever, nothing is going to last.
No matter how you wish it to.

One day, he sits on his wooden porch with Sirius and he often wonders why James and Remus are never with them.

�Peter?� asks Sirius softly, breaking the dead silence. �Peter- you do like James, don�t you?�

He slowly shakes his head and looks at the setting sun. He has always wondered why Sirius had never asked him this before, why the Sirius who was never scared of anything was afraid of his one simple answer. �Yes Sirius, I like James. Why do you ask?�

�No reason.�

After about a moment, Sirius looks up again. This time, his soulless grey eyes meet Peter�s and for the first time since the beginning of their friendship, Peter isn�t able to read him. For the first time Peter is scared.

Four

Crunch.

He walks with his eyes fixed on the ground. All the time hearing the sound of crushed leaves and his own quick, shallow breathing. It is dark here in the forest but oddly enough he has never minded the dark. It is the light he is afraid of.

James is walking next to him, eyes steadfastly fixed to the ground as well. He looks troubled and tortured to Peter, but Peter thinks that it is just all those sleepless nights he has spent, and all that hard work. When James turns around to face him, Peter is surprised.

�Peter, may I ask you a question?�

�Of course.�

James� face is white and hard as he stops walking and his hazel eyes meet Peter�s. �Peter,
Why can�t you be your own person? Why do you always have to try and be Sirius?

Peter stares emotionlessly at him, just one more answer he doesn�t know.

Five

Different place, different time,
But will anything really change?
You are still trapped.

He is walking down another cold street, except he is alone this time, the first time since September. Always that voice echoes in his head- Why aren�t you your own person? Why aren�t you your own person? and again he finds himself short of words.

I am my own person, he tells himself. And they will see, oh, how they will see�

Six

It is time, he thinks, time to go against every single thing he has been taught and to betray those closest to him. He is meant to do this.

�Peter Pettigrew?� Bellatrix asks, her blood-red lips shining in the moonlight. �The Dark Lord hears that you wish to say something.�

Seven

At the end of the day you see him broken,
Does it even matter now?
Why do you care now if you didn�t care before?
You always cared.

The next day, when he reads the article in a tattered, torn copy of a newspaper, he staggers into a chair. It seems impossible to him that it has happened, that James and Lily are finally dead and Peter has had the last laugh. Probably the last laugh that any of them would ever hear again.

You betrayed them.

I didn�t betray them, he corrects himself. They betrayed me first.

And again he walks down the cold streets of a dead city.

Eight

Sirius� mouth is slightly open and there is a triumphant smirk on his lips- triumphant and bitter. �I always knew you would be the one to betray us, Peter. But what I ask myself is why?�

�I didn�t kill them!� he screams, except for once he doesn�t know if he is screaming at himself or Sirius, or perhaps the world- spinning, spinning and crashing. The streets of old, dead London are already greying and it seems that time is frozen for all eternity, and in that one moment it is just the two of them- him and Sirius, the way it should have been from the very beginning.

�Really?�

Peter wonders if this is the sound the world makes when it is dying.

Nine

He wonders what had happened to the four of them, when it had all gone wrong. Of course, Remus was still alive but he was a dead man anyway.

And then there was a time, when the world had been filled with laughter and boyhood memories, where people raised toasts to long-forgotten heroes, a world with James and Lily and Sirius and Remus.

Someday, maybe he will be better with goodbyes.


One�two�three�
That is the way it goes,
That is the way they all go.< /I>

~ Fin








A/N: Alright, if you aren�t clear with the timeline of this fic, the last part is Peter after Order of the Phoenix where Sirius dies. The whole fic is based on different stages of Peter�s life. I would also like to thank my lovely betas for doing a job I didn�t dare to do. (Patrick whose last name I now know and Natasha Jhonson.)