The One I Love
kask

I began dating James Potter because he was safe. Actually, I began dating James so he would leave me alone. I never had feelings for him, but he said if I gave it a shot, if I gave him one chance, he would forever leave me be.

Severus and I both want that. In fact, it was Severus who told me to do it. He urged me to go on a date with James. He pushed me into it.

Severus Snape and I are not together. Well, we are together, but we’re not. It sounds strange, I know. We have no claim on one another; we aren’t a couple. Or not yet. You see, we’re in love – blind, passionate, earth shattering love. He’s the person I want to marry.

It started in third year but we’ve kept it a secret ever since. I’ve had boyfriends and he girlfriends, for cover up of course, but we’ve always been in each other’s hearts. I’ve tried many times but can’t exactly remember how we met or how any of it started. But it did, and I think that’s all that matters.

This thing with James, though, is I don’t even like him. We’ve been together for four months and I’m not even sure why. Every time he asks me out again, I say yes, before even thinking about it.

So we’re in a relationship – a real relationship. The whole holding-hands-in-the-corridor, meeting-at-the-statue-of-Wilfrid the Wistful, catching-eyes-across-the–room type of relationship. I think it’s because James isn’t dangerous. He’s everything I’d look for in a guy, if I didn’t have Severus. He’s handsome and smart, affable and funny. He’s talented and sweet. He protects me and I know that I’ll always be taken care of when I’m with him. Yep, if I didn’t have Severus, I would love James. It’s really too bad, because I feel alive around him.

That doesn’t matter, though. I shouldn’t be thinking about James’ positive qualities. I’m on my way to meet him and I’m going to break it off. I’ve been waiting too long to be with Severus to let this thing with James get any farther.

We’re meeting by the lake. He says he has something to tell me. In the back of my mind, I wonder what it is. Severus, I tell myself. I have to stay focused on what I set out to do, or else I will say something by accident.

I’m halfway there. In ten minutes, James and I will be done. I’ll be with Severus.

No, I won’t.

In ten minutes, I’ll be free to be with Severus. I won’t be able to be with him for another four months, though, and I don’t even know why anymore. We’ve been waiting until school is over. We’ve been waiting for almost four years…

We both know that nobody at school will ever understand our relationship. It won’t make sense to them. And when we made that decision, it seemed like the most important thing in the world. Now, I don’t know if I care. I don’t know if it is worth waiting.

I can see James in the distance. He’s sitting by the lake, staring solemnly into it. One of his hands is idly swirling the water. I smile at the sight of him, but immediately wipe it off my face. I’m breaking up with him!

I can remember the day James and I met. Actually, I can remember the day I first saw him. It was the first day of Hogwarts. After the feast, almost everyone had gone to bed, except me…or so I thought.

I had fallen asleep on the train, and couldn’t sleep a wink. So, I went down to the common room with a book, not wanting to wake my roommates with the light. I didn’t expect anyone to be there, but laughing in the corner were two boys – James and Sirius.

I knew they were first years, but I was too shy to talk to them. So I sat down with my book. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but heard them laughing a great deal. I remember liking the sound of their laughter, even closing my eyes to it.

I heard the laughter getting louder and opened my eyes. They were walking toward me, heading to bed. I looked up, wanting a closer look at the two boys, but all I saw were two hazel eyes looking back at me. James was starring right at me! Unsure what to do, I kept eye contact. It was almost like a game, like the staring contests I used to have with my friend.

After a moment, Sirius seemed to have noticed our locked eyes, for a wicked grin spread across his face. Before either of us knew what happened, James was on the ground and Sirius was laughing.

I began to chuckle, too. Seeing James’ distraction, Sirius had stuck his foot in front of James, tripping him. James quickly scrambled to his feet, his face red with embarrassment. He walked to the staircase quite quicker than before and went to his dorm. But before disappearing completely, he glanced over his shoulder and gave me a small smile.

It’s funny, because I can recall the first time I saw James, the first time we spoke, the first time he asked me out, the day we got together and a million other encounters with him, but I can hardly remember anything about the start of my relationship with Severus. It’s been bothering me lately, because you’re supposed to remember things like that.

I inch closer and begin to feel nervous. I’ve never actually broken up with somebody before. Especially not someone like James. Usually, my relationships just fall apart because of Severus or because the bloke is a prat. But James isn’t a prat.

James must hear my footsteps, or sense my approaching presence, because he glances backwards and sees me, a smile forming on his face. It reminds me of the night I first saw him. Although his face isn’t hot with embarrassment, there is the same glow in his eyes. He stands.

I’m there now, standing across from him. His boyish grin is spread from ear to ear.

“Hi, Lily,� he says. My heart races at the sound of my name on his tongue. He pulls me into an embrace, the way we always greet one another. Then he takes my hands in his.

“James,� I begin, “I have something I want to tell you, too.� He looks at me expectantly. I open my mouth, but I close it quickly. He’s still smiling, and I just can’t do it – not yet. I don’t know what to say.

“You can go first,� I finally say. I need more time.

James takes a breath. “I was going to wait to tell you this until I was positive. But I just can’t hold it in any longer. I know that it’s true. In fact, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. I feel it whenever I’m with you.� I wonder what it is.

His eyes look into mine. They are so warm. I’ve never seen such warmth in anyone’s eyes, at least not looking into mine. It’s the same warmth present in my father’s eyes when he looks at my mother.

All of a sudden, I know what James wants to tell me.

“Lily,� he says softly, “I need to tell you that I love you. That I’m in love with you. That no matter what, I’ll always remember the sound of your laugh, and the way you looked at me the first time we met, and the curve of your smile. You’re the only person who has ever made me feel this way – happy. Happy to just be near you. You make me feel complete. And I’ll never let you go.� I can tell that he has been rehearsing this. The words are just too perfect.

There is a distant voice reminding me that I have to break up with him. I can’t, though, and it becomes clearer as I fall deeper into James’ eyes. The voice is dim now. I can barely hear it.

A shiver runs up my spine and I feel like crying. No guy has ever told me he loves me with such sincerity. No guy has ever looked at me this way. I know everything he said is completely true.

I should break up with him. I love Severus. But Severus has never made me feel the way James has, or not in a very long time.

“James,� I murmur tenderly, “I love you, too.� It just comes out. I mean to say ‘I want to sever ties.’ I guess my mouth has it’s own mind – my heart.

But I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. All I know is that I love James. All I know is that I’ve never felt the way I feel right now. All I know is James’ scent and James’ laugh. And that’s enough.

He hugs me and my heart swells. I feel elated.

It doesn’t hit me how much I love James until I say it. It is more than feeling safe around him – it is feeling happy, alive, loved, needed, wanted, beautiful. It is feeling like there is no place on earth I’d rather be.

How is it I did not see it earlier? I have spent all this time waiting for Severus that I’ve stopped even questioning what I feel. I don’t love him; I don’t feel anything for him. At least not what I feel with James. I have just been so settled, so set on the idea of marrying him that I haven’t wanted to disrupt it.

I have to now. I can’t give up what I have with James. It’s too strong. Although I’ve waited years to be with Severus, I’ve waited my whole life to find someone like James.

James’ hand meets my own. Just the contact of our skin feels right. We walk back to the castle together. He tells me how nervous he was to tell me how he feels and I laugh, ensuring him that I feel the same.

I will tell it all to Severus tomorrow. I’ll feel awful about it, but I’ll do it. I have a feeling that I’ll be able to. I’m not going to drag it out. I’m just going to tell him. I want to start my life with James.

One thing I won’t do is apologize, though. I can’t apologize for loving James. I can’t apologize for choosing happiness.

That’s all tomorrow, though. Tonight, I will spend cuddling with James – the one I love.