I sit at my table, thinking. Unable to control the thoughts in my mind, I argue with myself. I get nowhere. Why would they ask me? I get up, make myself a cup of strong black tea to clear my thoughts, and remember the meeting I had today. Maybe, if I can get my thoughts in order, I might understand the question. And if I understand the question, I can make my decision.

I walked up to the front door of the manor, nervous. I’d never been there before today, so I was uncertain of what to expect. Everyone was nice to me though, general chitchat, drinks and nibbles offered to me. The conversation centred on old acquaintances for a while, making me feel more comfortable with the situation.

After a while, it turned to more uncomfortable matters.

Lucius Malfoy leant in towards me. “You know they wouldn’t protect you, Pettigrew.”

“They would,” I squeaked. “They’re my friends.”

“But would they help you out, as you’ve helped them? Do they care that much about you?” I fell silent for a bit, thinking his words over, looking for any hidden meanings. What was he aiming at?

I think about that even now, as I sit in my own home, stirring my tea. His questions still ring in my mind. They never did protect me, although they make a show of it now. They support their past actions by saying that they got hexed a lot too, that I wasn’t the only one. They never helped.

I need to clear my thoughts. I need to analyse my choices. Moony was always better at analysing than me. I used to be better at describing. Now, I can’t describe my thoughts. I put another spoonful of sugar in my tea and return to my musings.

After a few minutes, I spoke again. “My friends would help me. They always have,” I lied, and he could tell.

“But have they? All the time?” Exactly what he was aiming to get out of me I was still unsure, but I knew he was trying to weaken the bonds of friendship between us. I asked him to clarify his purpose, but he just laughed. Did he know something I didn’t about my friends and our friendship?

We are the Marauders. We are inseparable. Or were. I’m loyal to my friends, I always have been. If they needed help in a prank, I was there. I wonder sometimes what my true role was in the Marauders. I am the loyal sidekick, always there for support. Lucius should know that. But I find myself considering his views too, rather than just dismissing them like I used to.

“Are your friends really as great as you thought?” Lucius asked.

I considered for a moment, and eventually replied. “No.” I knew they didn’t see me as much of a friend to start off with. For the first few months, I had been the fat boy in their room, easy to play pranks on. Remus occasionally talked, but the others had ignored me. It was only when I played a prank on them that they accepted me. I became one of them, a true friend. A true equal.

Lucius stared at me intently. “We could protect you, if you helped us,” he said, watching me to gauge my reaction to the words.

Lucius was a Death Eater, I belonged to the Order of the Phoenix. Was he inviting me to become a Death Eater, to betray my friends?

I tip my tea down the sink. It’s cold now. Leaving the cup on the side, I sit myself back down at the table, and try to think again. Lucius thought our friendship was weak and worthless, evidently. I consider this. Once, it wasn’t. Once, we were true friends, sharing everything. Helping each other out of everything, and doing everything together.

But now, things have changed. Instead of the closeness, we have increasing alienation. Instead of trust, we have mistrust. Do they trust me any more? I have no idea. Does anyone trust anyone else? In times of war, these things disappear. But I thought we could be stronger than that. I trust my friends, but they don’t return the sentiments. I wonder if they are as good friends as I had thought. And would they protect me from death?

“And what do you mean by that?” I questioned Lucius.

“Exactly what I say. The Dark Lord is interested in you, Pettigrew. We could do a better job of protection that your so called friends, in return for certain help from you.”

I shuddered at the thought. Lucius was clever, exploiting my very weaknesses. I cared about my friends, but was uncertain whether they cared for me. I didn’t want to fall victim to the Death Eaters in this war.

“What if I would not betray my friends?”

“You may be stupid not to. Do you think they could protect you, would protect you? You consider yourself one of them, but do they see you the same way? They don’t trust you anymore, do they?” I knew at that moment that Lucius knew too much for my comfort. He seemed to know my very thoughts and fears.

Now, as I think, I know that Lucius was trying to turn me against my friends. But, still, I see the truth in his words. I begin to question my friends, something I have never done before, not since my first year. We were indestructible at Hogwarts, a closer gang than any other. We were all equal. Now, things change by the minute and our friendship changes too.

I have to analyse this. Do my friends trust me? No, in a word. But is it just me they distrust, or each other too? Each other, I think. Sirius suspects Remus, I know that. James and Sirius are as close as ever, so James is wary of Remus. Lily trusts him though. Lily complicates things, as a fairly new addition to our lives. Her and James are married, and so trust each other.

Thoughts whirl around in my brain, until I can no longer make any sense to me. I leave the issue of trust and try another. Loyalty.

I always thought of myself as loyal. Indeed, I consider it to be one of my good qualities. Despite what the Slytherins think, I have good qualities. I’ve always tried to be loyal to my friends, refusing to snitch on them to get myself out of trouble, helping them out whenever they needed me. And they were loyal back. They returned the favours.

But again, things change. Right now, they could be talking about me, plotting against me even. No. I’m worrying. Obsessing. They’re my friends, they wouldn’t do that. Or would they? You can’t be sure. I give up, again. My friends have changed so much in the war. They don’t even seem like my friends any more.

Again, I found myself unable to come up with a response. Lucius smirked at me over the coffee table whilst I deliberated. Clearly, the conversation was going his way. It was out of my control, at any rate.

“They would. They do.” It was a weak argument, and I knew that as well as he did. As to it’s truth, I had no idea.

“Listen to me Pettigrew,” Lucius said softly, leaning further towards me. “We can help you. We can offer you all the protection and friendship your little friends can’t, or won’t, offer you. The Dark Lord can look after you, Pettigrew. Come over to our side.”

He spoke for a while, explaining how I would be better off with the Death Eaters. I only half listened. Would it really be worth it, in the long run? He turned to me at the end of his speech.

“What do you think then Pettigrew? Will you join us? It’s your choice.”

It’s my choice, indeed. On one hand I have my friends. One the other, I have what could be my best bet for protection. I won’t be killed as an Order member if I join the Death Eaters. Do I value myself or my friend’s friendship? And are they even my friends?

I’m asking myself questions I can’t answer. I’m tired, and longing to sleep, but I have to organise my thoughts. I have to make a decision. And I have to work out why I’ve been asked this question.

I drink a shot of Firewhiskey, hoping it will keep me awake. It might even clear my mind.

Why would they ask me to become a Death Eater? What do they want me for? There must be a purpose behind it. You-Know-Who rarely gained followers in this way, as far as I can tell, then manner in which Lucius conducted our meeting proves that. The whole conversation was strange. But I can’t deny that I am tempted with the offer.

I’m slowly loosing my friends. Times are changing. But I try to be loyal to them still, regardless. And they take no notice. I get into an argument with myself, but it doesn’t help. I down another shot, and go to pour another. No. I can’t drink too much, I have too many thoughts to control. I am able to hold my drink, not like James, but I need as clear a mind as possible. The decisions will be difficult enough as it is.

I think for a few more minutes, weighing up options, considering facts and attempting to solidify my feelings.

“I don’t know,” I told Lucius.

“I’ll leave you to decide, shall I? Maybe you could go home and think it over? We need you, Pettigrew, remember that.” He showed me out, allowing me to leave. I Apparated back to my flat, and began to think. I knew I only had limited time to come to a decision. He had seemed nice, but I thought there would be some catch to a refusal. I knew that, if they needed me, they wouldn’t let me get away.

I sit here, still thinking. Decisions never were my strong point. I used to let James and Sirius make a lot of mine for me. I still do. But I need to be my own person. They aren’t here, and they might never be here properly again. I need to learn to do this for myself.

I realise that I noticed the change a while ago, but couldn’t admit it to myself. I ignored the signs of change, hoping that our lives could go on forever unchanged. I saw us as the Marauders forever. But life changes. We have the threat of You-Know-Who upon us, James is married, Remus estranged and Sirius changing. When did they begin to change? Have I changed?

When did I discover the distrust, I ask myself. I think, and I remember an Order meeting, a few months ago. That was when I began to know, I think.

I Apparated in front of the house, and allowed myself a moment to get my bearings before I went to knock. The door opened seconds later; obviously somebody was waiting for us to arrive. Entering, I greeted Moody and made my way into the kitchen area.

I had been one of the last to arrive, by the look of the room. Remus, Sirius and Lily sat chatting in a corner, whilst James was entertaining the Longbottoms and Dumbledore with an account of his day at work. Alice Longbottom spotted me as I entered, and came over to join me as I selected a drink from the table.

“Hello, Peter,” she smiled.

“Hello Alice,” I replied, charming the lid off my bottle of Butterbeer, unable to find an opener. “How are you and Frank? It’s a while since I’ve seen you.”

We chatted for a while, discussing our work and colleagues. When she noticed another friend amongst the meeting, I took the opportunity to make my way to the toilet. I negotiated the mass of people now filling the kitchen, and exited, slipping out into the hallway.

Hearing voices ahead, I froze, not wanting to interfere. I didn’t want to eavesdrop, but when I heard Lily’s voice, I stayed where I was.

I don’t know why I stayed. I should have gone back, and not known. But I couldn’t predict what I would hear.

“James, but how do we know we can trust him?”

“We don’t,” I heard James reply. “Not for certain. But I trust Sirius. He would never do anything to harm me or you, darling.”

“I know you trust him. But what if…” Lily seemed unable to complete her sentence.

“We have to trust someone Lily. It’s hard to know who to trust anymore, but I would trust Sirius with anything. I don’t know who else I would trust.”

“What about Remus? Or Peter? Or even Moody?”

“I don’t know darling. Remus and Peter are my friends, but what if they weren’t on our side? I’m not sure I trust them now. Nobody knows who to trust any more, so we don’t know details of anything.”

“Okay, maybe you’re right. Let’s not do anything just yet, though.”

“Alright. But we’d better get back to the others.” The conversation finished, I could hear their footsteps coming towards me. I darted into the toilet, trying to comprehend what I had overheard.

They don’t trust me. I know that now. They almost certainly never will, either, unless we all come through this war intact. Then we can laugh, and drink, and talk about what had happened, and lie about the fact that we were so scared. And I’m scared that I won’t. I have to decide now, and make the right decision for me.

I drink another shot. And another. I can feel the drink taking a hold now, it’s strong stuff. I put the bottle back into the cupboard. I need to think, not drink.

I try to collect my thoughts. Sum it up, weigh the pros and cons and make a conclusion, just like we used to at Hogwarts. I was never the clever one, never much good at this. But I have to decide. I’m scared of what my happen if I don’t choose right.

I’ve made a decision. Maybe it’s not the right decision. Maybe it won’t work out. But I’m going to go for what I believe is right. It may not be what some others may think, but they don’t seem to be there for me any more. I’m fed up of being considered the thick tag-along. I’m going to do something with my life, and I’m going to stand up for myself. I’m going to become a great wizard, better than them.

I’m going to become a Death Eater.