Summary: Sequel to the parody 'Tom Riddle and the Half Blood Prince', which I am proud to state won the 2006 Quicksilver Quill award for best humor. Prior reading is advised, but not absolutely necessary.
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 3
Completed: No
Word count: 4086
Read: 8820
Published: 05/08/07
Updated: 06/27/07
1. Chapter One: Who Writes This Stuff? by Zetera
2. Chapter Two: A Dreadful Discovery by Zetera
3. Chapter Three: The Best Plan Ever by Zetera
Chapter One: Who Writes This Stuff? by Zetera
The Dark Lord Voldemort sat upon his throne in silence, a whimpering Lucius Malfoy at his feet. He stared darkly into the blank television screen before him, before finally rising from his seat and pacing the room slowly.
“What time is it Lucius?”
“It’s half past four, my lord.”
Voldemort let out an impatient sigh as he rounded upon his lowly servant.
“It must be July by now! When is book six starting? I’m bored!”
Voldemort eyed Malfoy carefully.
“It hasn’t started without me… has it Lucius?”
“No, no my lord, of course not, you’re a very important character -”
“I am the only important character, Lucius,” whispered the Dark Lord dangerously.
“Yes, my lord, of course you are -”
“And don’t you forget it.”
“I won’t my lord, please forgive my impertinence,” muttered Malfoy hastily.
Voldemort opened a nearby window and rested his elbow upon the windowsill, staring wistfully out at the summer sunshine.
“I always appear at the end of the book…” he muttered softly. “It should have been my turn by now.”
Malfoy stood up slowly and brushed the dust from his robes.
“I haven’t been called either my lord, perhaps the sixth book has not yet begun.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Lucius. Rowling said it would be out by now.”
Voldemort slumped back down in his chair and reached idly for a bag of marshmallows.
“My lord, don’t!”
Lucius leapt forward into the air and grabbed the bag away from his master, crouching in anticipation of the punishment he was about to receive. Surprisingly however, the Dark Lord did nothing.
“Perhaps your right, Lucius. Those mallows are deadly.”
“Indeed my lord,” Lucius breathed in relief, “I’ll just get rid of these, shall I?”
Malfoy tiptoed carefully towards the rubbish bin and emptied the contents of the bag into it.
“Now! Nothing more to worry about,” he said brightly.
“I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”
Both Voldemort and Malfoy turned in surprise at the sound of a new voice in the room. Severus Snape strolled inside the Dark Lord’s lair and sat opposite Voldemort, munching on a bag of marshmallows.
“That was some book, wasn’t it?”
Voldemort, ignoring the fact that his mouth began was watering at the sight of Snape’s marshmallows, stood from his chair and faced Severus angrily.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Book six. ‘Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince’. Amazing, wasn’t it? So much action. And the ending!”
Snape looked up from his marshmallows to see a terrifyingly angry Lord Voldemort breathing down his neck.
“Do you mean to tell me that book six has begun without me?”
“It’s finished! They even have a release date for the seventh book, July 21st. ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’.”
Voldemort’s eyes flashed scarlet as he reached for his wand in anger. Snape closed the marshmallow bag as he looked up fearfully into the Dark Lord’s eyes, and Malfoy crouched once more in his corner.
“What… were you not in it?”
***
J.K Rowling, the world’s richest author, number one in every ‘Best People in the World Ever’ list, and the lead singer in the band ‘I Told You Harry Potter Was A Good Book’, sat with contentment in her magnificent castle in the Scottish highlands. Sure, it may be an hours journey to the nearest coffee shop, but what was that compared to blissful solitude… not to mention an army of secret House Elves begging to succumb to her every whim.
Yes, peace. It was so very, very peaceful.
Ms. Rowling moved her pen to the other side of her desk to see if it looked better that way.
It didn’t.
She was beginning to wonder how long it would take before the blissful silence drove her to the brink of insanity, when a loud rumbling sound from her fireplace told her today was going to be slightly more interesting.
As she turned around in her chair, observing the fire with vague curiosity, it suddenly turned a bright acid green, as Remus Lupin emerged from the flames. He was followed closely by Minerva McGonagall, Severus Snape, and Harry Potter himself, all yelling rather loudly at the unperturbed author.
“See!” Rowling exclaimed brightly. “Wasn’t it a great book? I knew you’d like it.”
All four of her characters turned towards her in frustration.
“A great book?” Lupin ran his hands through his greying hair in exasperation. “A great book?! Look Jo, I don’t know about this… I mean I appreciate the Tonks thing, I do… I did ask for a bit of spice after all… but… Dumbledore dead? He wasn’t too happy about that I can tell you.”
“Yeah, and I’m not too sure about it either,” muttered Snape. “I mean, am I good? Am I evil? Isn’t the fact that I killed Dumbledore really bad for my character’s development? I mean is it some kind of plot twist?” He looked around the room for somewhere to sit. “To be honest, I’m very confused,” he stated, as he slumped into a nearby armchair.
“That’s understandable,” smiled Rowling sweetly. “Don’t worry, it will all be explained.”
“Will you explain it now?” asked all four characters in unison.
Joanne Rowling stared at them for a brief second while contemplating this decision.
“… No.”
Harry’s shoulders sank, his hopes dashed. Or, perhaps it was the strain of standing so straight as he determined to let everyone around him know he was very grown up now.
“Well I for one demand to know what’s going on!” stated McGonagall. “Dumbledore is dead, we don’t have a hope without him, and Potter won’t tell me a thing!”
“Well I’m not supposed to,” shrugged Harry. “Anyway, I’m pretty upset about Dumbledore myself you know. And - oh yeah,” exclaimed Harry as he rounded upon Rowling, “Why in the name of Merlin were there no sweets in the entire book?! Are you trying to kill me?”
“Maybe,” muttered Jo wryly.
“And what the hell’s a Horcrux? It sounds like something for a horse!”
“The Dark Lord is fairly angry himself you know -” began Snape, just before the fireplace began to roar once more, and Lucius Malfoy entered the room followed by Voldemort himself.
“I must say, I think it was rather harsh that I wasn’t in the book at all, Jo,” began Lucius. “I mean, just because of last summer…”
“Forget you, Lucius, what about me?” Voldemort rounded on Rowling in anger. “I am the most important character, and I didn’t even make an appearance at the end? What, were you too busy to include the greatest character of all?”
“Tom -”
“No, Jo, forget it,” stated Voldemort in hurt. “You know what? I demand a new title “ the Prince of Darkness sounds fitting enough.”
“So, you’re… P.O.D., my lord?” asked Lucius.
“Haha “ Pod!” laughed Harry.
“No -”
“Poddy!”
“Shut it Potter, or I will make your imminent death more painful than you could possibly imagine,” snarled the Dark Lord. Turning towards Rowling herself he asked, “I can only assume I will have a much larger role in the next book?”
“Which will of course, be the seventh book, which will be the last,” sniffed Lucius sadly.
“What are you, the narrator?”
“Oh wow, that would be so cool!” exclaimed Malfoy, his eyes shining. “Can I be the narrator in the next book?”
Rowling stared from Malfoy’s bright face to Voldemort’s look of disguist, Snape’s confusion and Harry’s laughter, and decided she really did like peace and quiet after all.
“Book seven is finished, and nothing is changing, and that’s that!” said Rowling as she pushed them forcefully towards the fireplace. “Just wait patiently for your roles in the seventh book. That’s all I ask.”
As the fire swirled a bright green around the characters of the Potter world, they all looked at each other, agreeing solemnly on one thing:
“Fat chance of that.”
Chapter Two: A Dreadful Discovery by Zetera
Grimmauld Place sat in its usual state of dank and musty splendour. With Sirius gone, and the thought that Bellatrix Lestrange might claim the house as her own, the Order had temporarily moved out.
After months of careful watching, and the discovery that Harry was indeed the rightful owner of the house after all, the Order moved back in “ although no one had thought to re-clean it.
That was what Sirius had been for, right?
Remus walked through the dusty hallways of the towering mansion, silently thanking Sirius for having the presence of mind to make Harry his heir, and also silently cursing him for not being around to make the place more presentable.
Remus coughed as his footsteps caused a particularly large cloud of dust to rise and stick in his throat. His voice echoed through the darkened hallway and reverberated around the walls. He guessed he was on the fourth floor, with the attic directly above him. He was certainly all alone.
Remus stretched out his arms and raised his right leg. A slight spinning pirouette followed by a snappy arabesque assured him that he was still in shape. He had not been Dancing against the Dark Arts in quite some time, but at least his dancing spirit had not left him.
He was ready for the coming battle.
He was prepared.
However, one grand jetè later, and Remus found himself sprawled upon the musty carpet, looking in surprise and terror at the late Sirius Black who stood before him.
Sirius stared right back at Remus, seemingly unrestricted by the fact that he was supposed to be dead.
Remus stood up slowly.
“No, no, no, I’m not having any part in this.”
“What?” inquired Sirius.
“You. This isn’t going to be one of those Sirius-isn’t-really-dead-but-he-comes-back stories, is it?”
“Ha-ha, no, I’m dead mate. When you die in this world, you stay dead.” Sirius’ face changed to a look of disgust. “Killed by a curtain in book five I believe! I mean - drapery! How is that a fitting end, to be killed by a piece of chiffon? Well placed for the plot I imagine “ Ms. Rowling I thank you not!”
“Good. Well “ I don’t mean that it’s good, you know, it’s just that, I mean clearly… well… how are you here then?” Remus looked up and down the hall, and then down at himself. “Am I dreaming?”
“I don’t know,” shrugged Sirius. “Aren’t you supposed to see what you want in your dreams?”
“Then why am I seeing you?”
Sirius and Remus stared at each other.
“Oh Merlin no, this isn’t going to be ‘slash’, is it?”
“Let’s hope not,” said Sirius as he slowly backed away.
“Because I was wishing you were here… but only because the house is filthy “ not that we’d expect you to clean it… but you used to… emmm…”
Lupin searched for something intelligent to say. He was supposed to be good at that “ right?
“So…” Remus stared awkwardly at his feet. “How are you?”
“Look Remus,” Sirius began, finally getting straight to the point, “I am here for a reason. Things are bad “ really bad. And they’re going to get worse.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’ will be released soon, don’t you?”
“Yeah, in July, right? Cool name, isn’t it?”
“You think so?” asked Sirius darkly. “You and I both know that after book six, Voldemort is furious. He’ll want to do everything in his power to make sure book seven will be his moment. It’s his last chance after all.”
“Well, don’t worry Sirius “ I mean, we beat him last time,”
“Last time?” Sirius laughed his dog-like bark. “Last time there was only marshmallows. This is going to be bigger.”
“Bigger?” Remus shuddered at the thought. “What’s bigger than marshmallows?”
Sirius checked up and down the hall before leaning towards Remus’ ear.
“Horses,” he breathed.
“Oh God,” started Remus, as the little colour left in his face was drained. “No, Sirius “ you can’t mean it -”
“That’s all I know Moony. You need to work out the rest. There’s not much time.”
Sirius turned away from Remus towards the curtains over a nearby window.
“No “ Sirius don’t go! We need your help! I “ I don’t know anything about horses!”
“Don’t worry, Moony,” Sirius smiled sadly. “You’ll figure it out.”
Sirius touched the curtain, and his hand glowed a dazzling white which flowed throughout his body.
“Sirius!” called Remus in anguish. “Padfoot! Hey, wait “ are you getting back through a curtain?”
“They’re all inter-connected,” Sirius stated. “Surely that’s pretty obvious?”
Sirius’ form began to curl up into itself before becoming a ball of bright fire, which quickly shot up through the fabric and out of Remus’ sight.
***
Harry Potter, the bungling hero of every book so far that bears his name, sat at the kitchen table of Grimmauld Place, scanning the newspaper for possible sightings of Voldemort.
He honestly could not see the point of newspapers, with their bland black and white print that constantly rubbed off on fingers and clothes, and their ridiculous size which made sure that anyone of a small stature would have trouble opening one comfortably.
On the other hand, Harry was well aware that the reading of a newspaper was the common thing for an adult of mature size to undertake, and so Harry went about his task with gusto. It was worth the seventeen paper-cuts so far just to catch the glimmer of admiration in Ginny’s eyes.
Remus entered the kitchen, took a peek into the pot Molly was stirring, and sat down next to Harry, who appeared to be rather confused.
“Everything okay Harry?” asked Remus kindly, who was still rather shaken from his encounter with Sirius.
“Yeah… I just can’t understand these newspapers.”
Harry held up his copy of the Daily Prophet, and pointed out the various different articles to Lupin.
“See, in almost every article there’s a comment in the middle, or at the beginning or the end in brackets, with the name Ed. Who is Ed? I’ve looked all over the paper and I can’t find anything on him anywhere else.”
“No, Harry,” smiled Remus. “Ed. is the editor.”
Harry stared at Remus and began to laugh.
“Are you saying that the editor’s name... is Ed?! Ha-ha, that’s convenient!”
Hermione, who had been sitting at the other side of the table, looked up from her game of Exploding Snap with Ginny.
“No Harry, ed. stands for editor. It’s an abbreviation.”
Now Ginny began to laugh, and Harry felt his cheeks burn.
“She’s right, Harry,” added Remus.
“Oh, really?” began Harry in annoyance. “So what’s his name then?”
“Whose?”
“The editor’s.”
“Well… er,” stuttered Remus, “I “ I don’t know…”
“Exactly. So then maybe his name really is Ed.”
“But Harry,” interjected Hermione, “if that was the case, then every editor in the world would have to be named Ed, because that’s on every newspaper."
“Do you know any editors?” asked Harry.
“Well… no,”
“Then maybe they are all called Ed,” finished Harry abruptly, and returned quickly to the newspaper before he could be corrected.
The door to the kitchen soon opened and a weary Arthur Weasley entered, followed by Tonks, who was not her usually bubbly self.
“Is everything okay?” asked Remus worriedly, as Tonks sat next to him and put her head in her hands.
“I’m afraid not,” sighed Arthur, and Harry placed the newspaper carefully on the table, all thought of editors forgotten.
“It’s Voldemort,” Arthur continued. “It appears that he has, somehow, finally managed to procure some horses.”
“Dear God,” whispered Remus. “How many?”
“Seven,” announced Arthur, and Harry promptly fainted.
Chapter Three: The Best Plan Ever by Zetera
“Ta-da!”
Voldemort held his hands aloft smiling proudly, gesturing towards the rather odd display in the centre of the room.
For the third time that morning, Lucius found himself utterly lost for words.
“Err… well, my Lord… ah, obviously you’ve put a great amount of effort into… err…”
“Well? Spit it out!” Voldemort’s face fell slightly. “Do you not think they’re amazing?”
“Why, yes - of course,”
“Do they not astound you?”
“Err, well… ah…”
“Yes?” the Dark Lord questioned impatiently.
“They’re… chocolate horses, my lord.”
Lucius stood in the spacious living room of the Riddle House in Little Hangleton, which had, for the time being, been renamed as Lord Voldemort’s Top Secret Anti-Potter Extra Cool Scheming Lair. He stared rather bewildered at four large chocolate horses, each one more magnificent that the next, and melting slightly onto the carpet.
“Chocolate horses?” breathed Voldemort dangerously.
“Is that not what they’re supposed to look like?”
“These aren’t horses, you fool! They’re Horcruxes!”
“Ah,” nodded Lucius slowly. “Quite similar.”
“Of course I did have two more, but Dumbledore got to one of them first, as did Rab.”
“Rab, my lord?”
“You remember Lucius, R.A.B.”
“Oh yes, wasn’t that -”
“Silence! You’re interrupting my story.”
“Forgive my impertinence, my Lord.”
“These four remaining Horcruxes cleverly conceal my most prized, my most adored, and my most dangerous of all objects and possessions,” Voldemort continued grandly. “With these carefully locked inside the chocolate horse Horcruxes, I can never die.”
Lucius oohed and aahed appropriately.
“The last piece of this intricate puzzle is of course inside my very person. You, Lucius, actually helped me to keep it in my system last summer.”
“I… I did, my lord?”
Voldemort turned incredulously towards his lowly servant.
“Well, duh! Have you actually not figured out what I’m talking about yet?”
Lucius sat upon the carpet, which was now oozing with chocolate, and realization dawned across his face with horror.
“That’s right!” laughed Voldemort as he turned to survey the spectacle in the centre of the room. “Marshmallows.”
“Oh, no,” moaned Lucius.
“Oh, yes,” Voldemort clapped gleefully. “Potter’s greatest weakness, and my greatest strength lie inside these Horcruxes, protected by a thick layer of milk chocolate power. This is the greatest confectionary stunt the wizarding world will ever have seen! No other wizard in history has ever made so many Horcruxes.”
“But, my lord,” asked Lucius carefully, “Do you not remember what happened last time… with the marshmallows, and -”
“Oh, I remember,” snarled the Dark Lord as he turned angrily towards Malfoy. “I had Potter and his co-stars in this very room, until Rowling showed up. Well, she doesn’t know about my Horcruxes! I’ll definitely get him this time Lucius. Then nothing can stand between me and my starring role in the seventh book.”
Voldemort turned happily to survey his monstrous creations. While doing so, he frowned unexpectedly, and began to examine the Horcruxes more closely.
“Is everything okay, my lord?” Malfoy asked tentatively.
“We’ll have to put them in a fridge, Lucius,” he stated at last. “They’re ruining the carpet.”
***
Harry stared weakly at Arthur Weasley, as Remus stood up slowly and began circling the kitchen table, with the air of a person doing some very quick thinking.
“Seven? He’s got seven?”
Arthur put down his battered brief-case, and resigned himself to the task of shedding some light upon this seemingly random and bizarre chain of events. Molly bustled around the kitchen, hurriedly preparing dinner for the Order members who were yet to arrive.
“Not exactly,” continued Mr. Weasley. “This new information has reached us quite late into our investigation. It appears that there were seven originally, but two have been destroyed. There are four remaining intact, one which is actually inside You-Know-Who himself.”
Remus stopped circling the table abruptly, causing Molly to crash into him.
“Voldemort has a horse… inside him?”
“I know,” Arthur answered wearily, “it doesn’t make much sense to us either. We’re still working on it.”
“You’ll never get it right,” breathed a snide voice from the corner of the room.
Harry, Arthur, Remus and Molly all turned suddenly to stare at the far-side of the kitchen, searching for the owner of the voice.
“Who’s there?” demanded Remus.
The voice swore loudly. “I forgot you can still hear me under this thing.”
“Reveal yourself!” cried Mr. Weasley, drawing his wand like a sword.
At that moment however, Tonks burst through the kitchen door, falling over an invisible form from which the mysterious voice had ensued. A silvery, fluid-like material rippled gently onto the ground, and there, in the midst of the kitchen, stood none other than Severus Snape.
“Hey! You’re evil!” shouted Harry, pointing an accusing finger at his old teacher. “You are soooo evil.”
Snape stood up, holding Harry’s invisibility cloak at his side.
“And that’s mine!” yelled Harry, grabbing his cloak.
“Well you do leave it lying around everywhere, it’s a wonder you still have it after six books -”
“What do you want, Severus?” asked Remus quietly. He had also drawn his wand.
“I am here to help.”
“But your evil! Evil!” Harry shouted repeatedly.
“Harry, enough!”
“However,” Severus continued, “I also have valuable information at my disposal.”
Remus pointed his wand at Snape.
“You killed Dumbledore.”
“Oh, there’s a perfectly logical explanation for that,” stated Snape smoothly.
“Which is?”
Well, it all began when -”
At that moment however, Kingsley Shacklebolt and Mad-Eye Moody also burst through the door, and drowned out the rest of Snape’s explanation with loud cries of ‘Death-Eater!’ and began to run wildly around the kitchen, trying to pull Harry in opposite directions.
“STOP!” roared Molly Weasley.
The assortment of characters to be found in the kitchen quickly ceased what they were doing.
“Now, if one more person causes me to spill this tomato soup, there’ll be no dinner for anyone! The rest of the Order are arriving soon, so I want no more wands drawn in this kitchen.” She set her pot down upon the table, and stared at the other members of the kitchen in exasperation. “There is only one question here “ Severus, are you evil or not?”
Everyone turned to look at Snape.
“That really can’t be answered now,” he stated ambiguously. “The point is; I have something you want. And let’s face it;” he added suddenly, “You can’t do this without me. It wouldn’t be half as funny.”
“He’s got a point,” said Remus wearily.
Snape sat at the kitchen table, reached for a cup and smoothly poured himself some tea.
“What you don’t understand,” he continued, “is that you’re not dealing with horses. You’re dealing with Horcruxes.”
“What’s the difference?” asked Harry.
“Well, Horcruxes sound like horses, and they look like horses, but that’s really where the association ends. They’re objects used to hide something of great power, usually inextricably linked to the wizard’s survival, and can only be created by an act of great evil.”
Excerpts of book six flashed across Harry’s mind as he finally saw where they were going with all this.
“Seven is the most powerful magical number… but two were destroyed…”
“What Harry?” asked Remus.
“He’s right,” said Harry slowly. “There’s four left, something of Ravenclaws or Gryffindor, though Gryffindor's sword is still in school, Hufflepuff’s cup, Nagini… and the ring and the diary are gone, the locket's missing… and that leaves Voldemort.”
Harry blinked slowly, and then returned to his former stupidity that is inherent to his parodic charm.
“So why are they horses?”
“Horcruxes,” Snape explained slowly. “In the shape of horses. Inside each one you’ll find one of the objects you’ve just listed, inside which is contained the key to both Potter and the Dark Lord’s survival and downfall.”
“Wait “ you mean -”
“Marshmallows.”
“Really?” inquired Remus. “Don’t you think that’s going a little too far with the marshmallow thing?
The present group all faced Remus incredulously.
“You can never go too far with the marshmallow thing,” stated Harry seriously.
“So now all that’s left is to figure out a way to stop this,” Tonks added brightly.
The group sat together in a deafening silence.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.