Time To Fly


I left the window open today. And I’m not sure why. But it’s the only thing I can think of, the open window. My eyes stare at it, the cold air trickling in, and it’s all I can see.

I want to close it. I really do. I want the warmth of the fire on my skin. But I don’t know how I can ever feel warmth again.

He’s leaving. I know that he’s leaving. I can feel it deep inside of me, but I know I can’t stop him. There is nothing I can do, nothing I can say to make him stay. Soon Godric will enter my room and tell me that he’s gone.

I can hear him throwing things into his trunk. He’s really going. I knew he would be though. The hostility is getting to be too much to bear. And when I went into his classroom today, his favorite cloak was gone. He was already gathering his belongings.

There is a rap on the door. I close my eyes, not wanting to answer it. I don’t want Rowena or Godric to deliver the news. I want to wake up and find Salazar lying next to me. I want him to kiss my temple, and to sneak out of my room to prepare for his first class.

Another knock.

I peel my eyes away from the window. There is a moth perched on the windowsill, which I find odd, for it’s October. But it’s beautiful all the same. It’s milky white, like a pearl against the inky sky. I can picture it drifting through the air, moving gracefully.

Another tap on the door. I know I must answer it.

“Come in,� I say softly.

The door opens, but it is not Godric or Rowena. It’s Salazar. I look back to the window, trying to cover my pain.

The door closes.

“You’re leaving?� I can’t contain it. I want to cry out; I want to beg him to stay. I want to tell him that, even if he puts too much emphasis on blood, I can’t imagine life without him. Instead, I hold in my tears and act nonchalant.

He doesn’t answer; he simply walks across the room and takes a seat across from me.

“I can’t stay,� is all he says.

But he can! We can work things out; I know we can. Godric and Rowena, they would find a way to make it work. They don’t want to give up on our friendship any more than I do. It could go back to the way things used to be.

My head drops to the ground. I can’t face it. I can’t lose him.

“Look at me,� he says, gently lifting my face with his hand. It’s harder to stop the tears now.

“Stay,� I whisper. “Please. Don’t go.� His thumb wipes away my tears, but they keep coming. “Oh, please don’t go.� I begin to sob. I am stupid for thinking that I can get through the situation with dry eyes.

My face finds his neck and I weep into it. “I have to go,� he says into my ear. “I can’t stay.�

His words drive daggers into my heart. “Please, I need you. How am I supposed to live without you?� I sob. I would have never envisioned myself saying these things. I am a proud woman, and would never beg for someone’s affection. But this is different. He is the love of my life, and I am losing him.

“Helga.� He pulls me off of him and holds me by the shoulder. “Come with me.�

I blink. I want to run and grab my trunk, throw necessities into it and disappear into the night with him. My heart leaps at the thought. I want to forget it all and make Salazar my life. I am ready to say yes when my students’ faces come into my mind. Then Rowena and Godric. I know I can’t leave. I know I’m needed at Hogwarts.

“Helga. Marry me. I love you.� His green eyes are digging into mine. But I cannot handle their intensity, their burning gaze, so I tear myself away.

“I-I can’t leave. This is my life.� Salazar’s eyes are burning with ideas.

“We’ll make a new life.�

I shake my head, fresh tears falling. “It’s too much to ask. I belong here.�

He nods, looking hurt. I am hurt too. He can’t ask that of me, when he won’t stay. He can’t ask me to abandon my friends and home; it’s unfair.

Salazar stands abruptly. “This is goodbye, then.�

“Where are you going to go? What are you going to do?� I ask, wiping my eyes. I know that there is no other way.

Salazar shrugs. “To create an heir,� he says briskly. I place my head in my hands.

“Please don’t be angry. I can’t have you leave angry.� I can feel his face soften; he walks over to me and puts his arms around me. His body is familiar against my own, his beard scruffy against my skin.

“I’m not angry at you.� I don’t believe him. “Listen to me.� I look up. “I don’t blame you for not being able to leave. I just can’t stay. Do you understand me?� he asks tenderly. I nod, feeling like a small child.

I take in everything about him, from his burning green eyes to his dark brown hair. I remember the curve of his smile and his lopsided eyebrows.

He checks his pocket watch. “I have to go,� he says wistfully. I hold him closely for one more minute.

“I guess this is goodbye,� he whispers. I don’t answer; I can’t. I simply press my lips against his.

He pulls away and kisses my lightly on the cheek. “Goodbye, Helga.� He stands and moves elegantly through the room.

“Salazar?� I manage to say. He stops at the door and looks back. “Do you love me?�

He pauses, his gaze unwavering. “I do,� he finally says proudly.

“Then this isn’t goodbye. It’s never goodbye. You’ll be here, with me. And I’ll be with you.� I can tell he is on the brink of tears, something I’ve never seen. “I love you,� I murmur. He doesn’t respond, but I know he hears me.

Salazar turns the doorknob and leaves quietly. Staring at where he once stood, I listen to his footsteps fade into the night. My eyes sting once again. I know that I will think about what could have happened if I went with him for the rest of my life. I know there will be some days when I hate my decision and wish I could choose differently. I know that regret will linger, but I also know that if I went with him, I could never be completely happy. I know that Rowena and Godric would be ever present. If I abandoned Hogwarts with Salazar, up and left my friends, my work, my school, I wouldn’t be able to face myself.

I created Hogwarts. I could never leave, not like Salazar. As much as I love him, how could he feel no loyalty to his school, to his friends? He just vanishes like smoke in the air.

Silently, I pad to my seat by the window. I think I can see the shadow of Salazar in the distance, but know it’s just my imagination.

I look down at the windowsill. The moth is no longer there. It flew away, maybe seeking new adventures, maybe running; maybe it was just its time to fly. Or maybe it just couldn’t stay any longer.

I think that’s it. How long could a moth stay on a windowsill? It’s not where a moth belongs, and no matter how much I wish it were true, Salazar doesn’t belong at Hogwarts anymore. It stopped being his home a long time ago.

I sigh and stare into the darkness of the night. I can hear the distance giggles of students out of bed, but I don’t bother. Tonight, I will allow them their freedom and fun. Another moth lands on my window, attracted to the dim light of my room.

A moth flies away, and another one comes – different, but a moth nonetheless. The other one had to fly, a better reason to leave than Salazar’s, but both were out of my hands. I won’t forget him, but it was his decision. I know I cannot dwell on something out of my control.

There is a knock on my door. Salazar is gone.