Always Watching

Emmeline Vance sat hunched over her textbook, parchments strewn across the table, ink on her cheek, and at least two broken quills on the floor beside her chair. She’d been revising for hours. Exams were only two weeks away, and she didn’t feel prepared in the least. This had to be the third time she’d read through the assigned chapter in her Arithmancy textbook, and it still didn’t make any sense. She’d compared the text with her notes from class and had even tried rewriting them, but her mind couldn’t seem to wrap itself around the concept.

Emmeline sighed heavily and slumped back in her chair. Maybe she needed a break. She glanced at the four-way clock hanging from the library ceiling – almost eight. After dinner, she’d come straight to her usual study spot, the same place she had been before dinner. It was a routine. She went to classes, then to the library, then to dinner, then back to the library where she’d work until bedtime.

She glanced around. Only three students shared her study area, a small break in the endless rows of books. She knew one of the girls – a fellow Ravenclaw in the year above her, a seventh year. The other girl she recognised, but she didn’t know her name. And then that boy. He was a Slytherin, she knew, one of the infamous Blacks. Emmeline had caught him staring at her a few times, but she knew he was only trying to make her feel uncomfortable. A lesser girl would have been, but Emmeline was only mildly amused by his attempt. It would take much more than a pair of dark, unblinking eyes to unsettle her.

She looked back at her Arithmancy notes, but her eyes couldn’t handle the confusing concepts a minute longer. Emmeline pushed aside the parchment and stood up. Leaving her books and papers at the table, she made her way to the windows, her favourite place to go for a quick study break.

The windows in the library were enormous. The second floor of the library had a balcony of sort along this wall, and the windows stretched all the way up the wall, illuminating both stories. A bench ran just under the sills of the windows, forming one long window seat. Emmeline sank down in front of one of the windows and leaned her forehead against the cold glass. It had been dark for hours, but the light from inside the library spilled out on the grounds and lit up the snowflakes as they fell. The trees of the Forbidden Forest could be seen from here, as well as a glimmer of light from the direction of Hagrid’s hut.

Drawing her legs up underneath her, Emmeline allowed herself to relax. The gently falling snow had an almost hypnotising effect on her. She had been studying such a complex subject for the past few hours, and sitting down away from her books and just breathing was making her a little sleepy.

Her eyes were threatening to close when she saw a subtle movement to her left. Sitting up straighter, she surreptitiously glanced over. It was that boy again, Regulus Black. It looked as though he had followed her over here. He was certainly going out of his way to unsettle her this evening. Irritated, Emmeline stared pointedly at him, but his expression didn’t waver. He merely returned her gaze before looking out the window, and Emmeline took the opportunity to study him.

He had dark brown hair, almost black, but the candlelight betrayed warm streaks in his softly waving hair. His face was serious, almost too serious, as though he were dwelling on some unpleasant memory. There were faint frown lines between his thick eyebrows and his thin mouth was drawn tight. With his dark robes, dark hair, and dark eyes, he seemed to be a maelstrom of darkness, completely implacable. How fitting that his surname was Black.

Emmeline shivered. She and Black shared a class this term – Potions – but since he always sat in the back of the classroom while she worked near the front, she had never seen him this close before. She uncoiled her legs to let the blood flow back into them before standing up and moving back to her table. Sitting down, she tucked her blonde hair behind her ears with both hands before getting back to work.

*
Emmeline’s eyes flicked from the blackboard to her parchment, carefully copying down the instructions for Polyjuice Potion. Most of the students just followed the directions off the blackboard, but Emmeline always copied them down first. It took a while, but the process of reading and then writing the instructions meant that she had a better chance of remembering them later on, and she always made up for the lost time later. In fact, she had never failed to complete a potion during class, or at least make it as far as Slughorn asked for potions that needed to brew for longer than an hour or two.

‘Powdered horn of a bicorn … shredded skin of a boomslang … wow, that’s hard to find … done!’ She threw down her quill and hopped off her stool to go retrieve the ingredients. The common ingredients were in the students’ store-cupboard, but the others were up on Slughorn’s desk.

At the store-cupboard, Emmeline gathered what she needed – lacewing flies, fluxweed, leeches. As she reached out for the jar of knotgrass, another hand reached at the same time. Emmeline withdrew her hand and turned to face the other student. It was that boy again.

Why was he always, always following her?

‘Sorry,’ Regulus said simply, then just stood there and watched her.

‘No, go ahead,’ Emmeline said, gesturing to the jar and taking a step back.

‘I insist.’

Emmeline shrugged and stretched up again for the knotgrass, aware that Regulus was watching her every move. As her fingers scrabbled against the smooth glass of the jar, it scooted further back on the shelf until it was out of reach. She cursed under her breath and closed her eyes before turning around.

‘Could you help me, please?’ she said, hating that she had to ask him for help. She glanced up at him and met his gaze. He stared down at her, his eyes dark and intense, and then he stepped forward. Emmeline backed up against the shelves of the store-cupboard as Regulus reached up for the jar of knotgrass, his robes falling open and brushing against her arm. She could smell him – something dark and earthy. It was a scent she’d never encountered before.

Without breaking eye contact, Regulus lowered the jar down and held it between them. Emmeline’s hands came up and closed around it, her fingers brushing his and sending a shiver up her arm. Regulus’s eyes flickered at the contact, and Emmeline thought she saw – but then he was gone.

Blinking, Emmeline watched as he strode over to Slughorn’s desk. What had just happened?

For the rest of the class period, Emmeline could literally feel Regulus watching her. She tried not to look back at him, fighting against the urge to turn around and catch him in the act. Sometimes she moved around her cauldron so that she was facing the back of the room, trying to act casually.

Maybe while she was stirring her potion or bending over to reach an ingredient, maybe she glanced up to look at Regulus. Maybe. Each time, she found the glance turning into something longer, and each time, Regulus would see. Emmeline would look away, trying to appear as though she had just been skimming the classroom. And a strange sort of prickly, hot feeling would sweep over her neck and up her cheeks.

‘Miss Vance, are you feeling all right?’ Slughorn had appeared at her side, looking concerned. ‘Your face is flushed.’

‘Is it?’ Emmeline said. She started to reach up to feel her cheeks but remembered they were encased in dragon hide gloves. ‘No, I’m fine. It’s just a little warm in here, I guess.’

‘Yes, yes, the fires, you know,’ boomed Slughorn. ‘My, you are doing an excellent job with this potion, Miss Vance.’

‘Thank you, sir,’ she replied, knowing that had she not been distracted, she could have done a lot better.

‘Well, keep it up, keep it up.’ And then he passed on to the next student, enthusing over their efforts as well.

Emmeline peeked up at Regulus. He was looking at her again. Blushing – for now she realised that was the hot, prickly feeling – Emmeline moved around her cauldron again, turning back to the front of the room.

*
The next two weeks were frantic for Emmeline. She took every possible opportunity to revise for exams, trying to ignore Black whenever she could. It seemed to her that he was coming around more than ever, never speaking to her, just lurking around. She’d learned not to let it bother her, but she was curious about his motives. Could he honestly think that she would be upset by this? She had figured that after he saw that she refused even to blush under his gaze, he would give up and find a different target.

Tonight, the day before her Arithmancy exam, Emmeline made her way to her usual table and spread out her materials. She’d received help over that troublesome chapter, but she knew that it never hurt to get in some last minute studying. To her annoyance, Black was already there. He watched her as she sat down and opened her text, and Emmeline sighed, annoyed. This had to end. It wasn’t that he was bothering her, exactly, but enough was enough. She pushed her chair back and went over to him.

‘Can I help you?’ she asked acidly. Black looked up, apparently feigning surprise.

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Don’t play stupid,’ Emmeline snapped. ‘You’ve been staring at me for weeks. What do you want from me? If you’re trying to upset me by watching me, then I guess you’ve succeeded. Well done. Now would you please leave me alone so I can study in peace? I can’t afford to fail this exam tomorrow.’

Black leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. ‘I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand what you’re talking about.’

Emmeline glared at him. ‘Yes, you do! You know exactly –’ She broke off and took a deep breath. It would not do to become upset; she’d only be playing into his hands. ‘Just, would you stop watching me?’

He quirked an eyebrow and his mouth twitched, almost – but not quite – into a smile. ‘I apologise. I did not realise that it was against the rules to look at other people.’

‘Of course it’s not!’ retorted Emmeline. ‘But you – you’ve been –’

‘Yes?’ Really, he seemed most amused. This was not going at all the way she’d planned.

‘Oh, never mind. I’ll just go study somewhere else. But if I catch you following me, I’ll report you to Slughorn.’

‘No, that won’t be necessary,’ Black said. ‘I didn’t know that my presence was so distracting. If I’m keeping you from studying, then I should be the one to leave.’ He stood up slowly, towering over Emmeline.

‘Well, that is, I mean –’ she stammered, flustered at his closeness. ‘You don’t have to leave, exactly …’

He was definitely smirking now. ‘Are you sure? If you can’t concentrate around me, then –’

‘No, no,’ she hastened to interrupt. ‘I can concentrate just fine. Don’t bother.’ Emmeline moved back over to her table, wondering how he had managed to turn the conversation around.

Throughout the rest of the evening, she caught herself sneaking glances of Black, but he never looked at her again. His dark head was always bent studiously over his work, his quill scratching notes on various bits of parchment. Each time she scolded herself for looking at him, but that never stopped her from doing it again.

*
The rest of the exam week passed uneventfully, and soon Emmeline found herself preparing to go home for the Christmas holidays. Her trunk was already packed and waiting in her dorm room, but it was still several hours before the train was to arrive in Hogsmeade. Emmeline wandered around the castle, finding herself in the library without consciously deciding to go there.

She made her way to her usual table and sat down almost out of habit. Sunlight was streaming in through the nearby windows, blindingly bright as it reflected off the snow-covered grounds. Dust twinkled in the light, looking almost like magical, indoor snow. As far as she could tell, she was the only one in the library.

Getting up from her seat, Emmeline walked lazily around the library, revelling in the knowledge that so much wisdom and information filled the shelves around her. Wizards and witches long dead roamed the stacks, ready and willing to teach if only someone would open their books. She ran her fingers along the spines as she went past, stroking the smooth leather almost reverently.

Up one aisle and down another, Emmeline zigzagged through the library, methodically making her way to the back wall. As she neared the end of the row, however, she realised she wasn’t alone. She could hear voices just around the corner. Emmeline slowed and moved carefully in the direction of the sound, her heart picking up speed.

Cautiously, Emmeline leaned forward, peeking around the edge of the shelves. Two boys stood against the wall, their dark heads close together. She couldn’t make out who they were or what they were saying, but bits and pieces of their conversation floated toward her.

‘Last night –’

‘Scared him half to death –’

‘Shh. I think somebody’s –’

Emmeline whirled away from the shelves, trying to get away as fast as she could. But just as she rounded the corner, a hand clamped onto her arm and yanked her back. Emmeline shrieked and spun around, clapping a hand to her mouth.

Then her fear gave way to exasperation.

‘You again! What are you –?’

‘I could ask the same of you, Miss Vance,’ Regulus said calmly. ‘What are you doing lurking about?’

‘Um, I was just looking for a book.’ And to prove it, she turned to the shelves and pretended to glance through them.

Regulus folded his arms across his chest and watched her with amusement. ‘Don’t lie,’ he said, stepping closer. ‘I’ve seen you, you know.’

‘Seen me what?’ Emmeline narrowed her eyes as she faced him.

‘Watching me.’

‘I have not been watching you!’

He smirked. ‘Oh, my mistake. You see, where I come from, when a person is constantly looking at another person, following them around, listening to their conversations … well, we call that watching someone. But if that term isn’t something you’re familiar with …’

Emmeline’s eyes flashed. ‘I know what it means. And so what if I look at you? That’s not a crime. And looking is different from watching. Watching is what you’ve been doing.’

‘Ah, I see.’ He began to walk away, but then stopped at a distance and turned to look at her. ‘So why have you been looking at me?’

‘Why have you been watching me?’ Emmeline challenged.

Regulus shifted his weight in thought, clearly trying to decide whether to answer her question or insist that she answer first. He moved closer.

‘I watch things that interest me.’

Emmeline could feel herself blushing. She looked away, back at the shelves of books.

‘Your turn,’ he said softly.

She turned toward him, keeping her eyes trained on his feet. ‘I watched you because you were watching me.’

When Regulus didn’t reply, she glanced up to see him studying her intently. His eyes aren’t black, she realised. They appeared black from a distance, but this close, the colour reminded her of the seas before a storm. Focused on her the way they were, Emmeline could almost feel their intensity and focus. His eyes made her think of a silly romance novel; the hero always had eyes so deep you could drown in them. She had always thought it a figure of speech, a cliché, but now …

‘Hey, Arcturus, where’d you get to?’

The new voice jolted Emmeline out of her thoughts as the speaker turned the corner.

‘Arcturus, you can’t just disappear like … Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,’ said the newcomer, a tall boy with hair and eyes like Regulus’s.

Must be the older brother, realised Emmeline. Aloud, she said, ‘No, no, you’re not interrupting anything. I’m just looking for a book.’ She pulled a book off the shelves at random. ‘Ah, here it is.

Regulus’s brother cocked his head to read the spine of the book she held.

‘Moste Potente Potions?’ he said sceptically. ‘Seems like heavy reading for the hols.’

‘Oh, well, I need to – that is, there’s this thing –’ Emmeline stammered, looking back and forth between the brothers.

‘She’s doing a special project for Slughorn,’ Regulus said quickly. ‘I was just asking her about it, but she doesn’t need anything from me.’

‘Right then,’ said his brother, turning away from Emmeline. ‘So, can we go? James and Remus have patrol, and I don’t know where Peter scurried off to.’

Emmeline backed away slowly, unsure if her part in the conversation was over, but with a final glance, Regulus went off with his brother.

*
For the entirety of the Christmas holiday, the only thing Emmeline could think about was Regulus Black.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She had plenty of other things to think about. It was just that every time she paused for breath, Regulus’s face popped into her head. Not that Regulus’s face was an unpleasant thing to be thinking about, but Emmeline didn’t want to think about it. She wanted to forget him.

The problem was, her subconscious didn’t agree. So, for the majority of the Christmas holiday, the only thing Emmeline could think about was Regulus Black.

After going over everything in her head – every glance, every word, every expression – Emmeline concluded one very important thing.

Regulus was interested in her.

Yes, he had practically said that – to her face, even – but at first, she hadn’t realised the implications. To him, she wasn’t just a quirky brainiac who was good at Potions. That wasn’t why he was interested. If that were the case, he would also be interested in Dorcas Meadows or “Dorky Dorcas� as she was known by the other students. But Emmeline had never seen the two anywhere near each other, except in Potions, and then Regulus’s attention was focused exclusively on Slughorn, the potion of the day, or Emmeline.

So there had to be another explanation for his interest, and Emmeline just couldn’t see any other possible conclusion except that he might be interested in that way. As in, interested in getting to know her better.

And if that was the case, then Regulus needed to do something about it.

*
Squaring her shoulders, Emmeline strode over to the table where Regulus was studying. She’d given it a lot of thought and concluded that the best way to deal with the situation was to confront Regulus about his behaviour without letting him control the conversation. Somehow, Regulus always had the upper hand whenever they talked, but Emmeline was determined to avoid that this time.

As her shadow fell across the parchment he was writing on, Regulus glanced up. He was just as handsome as she had remembered, if not more so, but he had dark circles under his eyes as though he hadn’t been sleeping well. Emmeline thought that was odd, considering he had been sleeping at home for days.

‘Can I talk to you a minute?’ whispered Emmeline. She didn’t want to draw too much attention, nor did she want Madam Pince to scold them for talking in the library.

With a puzzled frown, Regulus nodded.

‘Not here,’ she continued. ‘Outside, by the lake.’

Emmeline didn’t wait for him to agree. She went back to her table and gathered up her study materials, gave Regulus one last look, and left the library.

Ten minutes later, Emmeline was standing by the lake. Even wrapped up in a winter cloak, scarf, hat, and mittens, she was still shivering. The sun didn’t ward off the chilly wind that seemed to slice right through to the bone.

Squinting, she looked back up at the castle, the sun on the snow nearly blinding her as she waited for Regulus. She was sure he would meet her. At least, he would if he were as interested in her as he claimed, but now, as she waited for him, Emmeline began to second-guess her earlier assumptions. What if she was wrong about the whole situation? What if …?

The doubts continued to pile on, each one a blow to her previous confidence until her shivers were equal parts cold and nervousness. As she sat huddled under a tree, Emmeline resigned herself to humiliation and disappointment. It had been half an hour now, and Regulus hadn’t come, which meant that he wasn’t going to come at all.

With a heavy sigh, and trying her best to ignore the tears that were welling up behind her eyes, Emmeline stood up, turned around, and came face-to-chest with Regulus. She gasped and covered her mouth with a hand as she stepped back.

‘I didn’t mean to frighten you,’ he said simply.

No longer startled, Emmeline let loose her frustration. ‘What took you so long? You knew I was waiting!’

‘I was confused.’

‘Confused about what? I said I wanted to talk to you, and that I wanted to talk outside. How could you not understand that?’

‘You didn’t say when you wanted to talk,’ Regulus pointed out. ‘For all I know, you may have said all that just to get it off your chest. You know, now that you’d admitted to wanting to talk, you didn’t need to talk after all.’

Emmeline took a deep breath and counted to ten. ‘Fine, so you were confused. As it happens, I’m confused as well. Now that we’ve straightened out your little issue, perhaps we can move onto mine.’

‘You’re confused?’ he said sceptically. ‘Somehow I doubt that.’

‘Whatever,’ she said with a roll of her eyes. ‘I just have a few questions for you. This shouldn’t be too difficult unless you make it that way.’

Regulus gestured for her to continue.

‘Firstly, I want a straight answer. Why have you been staring at me? Or watching me, or looking at me, or however you want to define it.’

‘As I recall, you were the one having trouble with the definitions last time,’ he said with a smirk.

‘Just answer the question.’ Emmeline crossed her arms in front of her and waited.

Self-consciously, Regulus shifted his weight and looked past her at the lake. He seemed lost in thought, as though he didn’t know how to say what he was thinking. Or perhaps he was warring with himself, trying to decide if he should tell the truth or make up a trite excuse. Finally, he looked back at her, his eyes burning into her.

‘You want to know why I look at you? Why I can’t keep my eyes off you? Why, every time you walk into a room, I’m drawn to you?’ Regulus moved closer, watching her intently, drinking her in, then gave a harsh, self-deprecating laugh. ‘Believe me, I’ve tried to stop. And if I knew the answer to your question, I’d probably figure out a way to stop.’ He shook his head and stepped back. ‘But now that I know it bothers you so much …’

‘No, it doesn’t!’ Emmeline burst out. She reached out towards him, but then drew back. ‘I mean, it did bother me, a lot. And I kept trying to figure out why you were doing it. I spent all of holiday thinking about it, actually.’

Regulus looked at her in surprise.

‘What I mean is,’ she began, looking down and twisting her gloved hands together, ‘I think I know why.’ With this declaration, she fell silent.

‘Well?’

‘Well, what?’

‘Well, are you going to tell me?’ he asked impatiently.

‘No, I’m not.’

‘Why not?’

Emmeline bit her lip in hesitation, then blurted, ‘Because I don’t want you to stop!’

Astonishment broke over Regulus’s face. He blinked, not quite knowing what to do with this information, and opened his mouth, then closed it.

‘I’m confused again,’ he said finally.

‘I think I am, too,’ Emmeline admitted.

After a drawn out and slightly uncomfortable pause, she continued. ‘All I know is that I think you like me, maybe, and I think maybe that’s not such a bad thing after all, and I think maybe you should do something about it instead of just looking at me, but I don’t know what that something is, and you’re supposed to know, anyway, because you’re the guy, and –’

Regulus chuckled, moved closer, and covered her mouth with his hand. ‘All right, all right! I get it,’ he said as he removed his hand. ‘Breathe.’

Emmeline tried.

‘So, I should do something, huh?’

She nodded and opened her mouth, but Regulus shook his head warningly, so she closed it again. Smiling, he reached down and took both her hands in his.

‘Emmeline, would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me?’

Her eyes lit up, but she didn’t reply. After about a minute of waiting, Regulus’s smile faltered and he stepped back, releasing her hands.

‘Wait!’ Emmeline cried. ‘I thought I wasn’t supposed to talk.’

Regulus rolled his eyes but took her hands again. ‘Well, obviously, you’re supposed to answer when I ask you a question.’

‘Right,’ she said sheepishly. ‘Sorry. Ask me again.’

It took all of her willpower not to giggle when Regulus pouted in an adorable manner before repeating his question, but she couldn’t keep back the grin when he did.

‘Yes,’ she said, beaming. ‘Yes, I really would.’