He felt the sting of the deep bleeding cut running the length of his jawbone as he raced against the whipping wind. The dirty blood streamed down his neck, making his cloak stick to his burnt skin, and his chest. The running blood reached an even deeper cut, splashing across his stomach, where the same blood mixed together. He wished the rain would come, and relieve the burns on his face. The tears he could not hold back only smarted over the burnt skin.

He did not know to where he ran to, or where from. He ran on instinct, like a cornered animal aware of the fact they have no salvation will still flee blindly, even into a wall. He ran through thinning trees, over things that snapped under his feet. His heart beat painfully in his chest. He thought briefly of what a relief it would be if it stopped beating. The thought only doubled his senseless fear.

The night sky loomed over him, cloudless; filled with happy, perfect little stars winking down at him as he fled. They winked down at the people celebrating the day, celebrating the chance to live assured that Voldemort was gone, and would not be coming back again. They winked down upon the bodies of his companions, strewn across a battle field. The stars winked down upon Harry Potter as well, as he chased the frightened, torn and burning man. Severus Snape unconsciously hated those stars for winking down upon them all in the exact same way.

As he felt an overpowering cold, as he came to a halt in the wood, looking up Snape saw that the stars winked no longer. All had gone black and the cold was creeping up to his heart.

"No," he moaned softly, "no, please, no."

Through the new-born shadow a different darkness slowly came into view. A black cloak, with protruding rotten, waxy-looking hands neared Snape, drawing in rattling, hope-scattering breaths. One of the hands extended toward him, more frightening than any of the deaths he had ever witnessed. The hand offered him his own.

"Ex-expecto Patronum!" he shouted, remembering the day he had been appointed Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, after years of yearning. His wand shook in his hands, and the Dementor merely stilled for a moment when the silvery mist came toward him. It had no shape, and no effect.

Severus stumbled backward, tripped over a low-hanging branch and fell to the ground in the wood. He raised his trembling wand once more, trying to recall the day Voldemort had called him his most devoted, most treasured servant, right after he had killed Voldemort. But he couldn't bring back the momentary fulfillment he had felt, and the memory crumbled away before he could utter the words.

Laying there, under the starless sky, a breath away from ending, his despair won over his pride and the promise he had made what felt like a century ago, that he would keep certain memories locked away. So he let the happiest, and at the same time most terrible, recollections of his life wash over him, like a tidal wave rushing over the sand.


He was sitting alone at a table in the library. He was hunched over a book, and his eyes swept across the pages in the blink of an eye.

"Excuse me?" said a voice above him. He looked up to see a girl with bright red hair standing over him, looking cold. "You took my seat. See, those are my books." The girl pointed at a pile of novels he had pushed aside upon arriving.

"Sorry," he mumbled to the table, getting up and sitting in the next chair down.

For a moment he pretended to be intent upon his reading, waiting to see what she would do. He dared not look up. He spent hours watching her, but never when he knew she would notice.

He looked up when he heard her snort. "A Slytherin apologizing?"

He took in a breath, shrugging his shoulders stiffly. "Maybe we do it all the time. Maybe you Gryffindors are just never around to notice."

Her eyebrows were raised disbelievingly. He watched the corner of her mouth curl upward. "Well, maybe you don't apologize when Gryffindors are around. Maybe you don't apologize at all. Maybe that was the first apology you've made in your life."

Severus stared directly into her eyes as he replied softly, "Maybe it was."

She blinked. She frowned. She watched him suspiciously. He looked determinedly innocent until she took the seat next to his. Then he cleared his throat, prayed his heart would stop hammering, and continued pretending to read. He noticed with satisfaction that she was distracted from her own books. He had managed to throw her off.

"Aren't you worried," she said, "that your little friends will see you within ten feet of a 'Mudblood' without hurling?"

He did his best to look entirely unfazed and comfortable. "No, Lily, I'm not."

He heard her gasp slightly at his use of her first name and smiled inwardly. For a while she just sat there watching him.

"Oh, silly me, I almost forgot," she finally snapped coolly. "None of your friends even know where the library is, do they?"

He shook his head slightly. "I'm pretty sure they do." He looked over again to see her arms crossed over her chest and a look of deepest confusion, masked by one of annoyance upon her face.

"Snape, why are you talking to me?" Lily demanded. "You made it quite clear three months ago that you wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, even if I was helping you!"

Severus cleared his throat. "About that...I'm sorry."

He could see the surprise on her face, accompanied by the suspicion. "You say that as if it's enough."

"Look, I really am sorry. But I can't take it back. I don't have an excuse, really, besides the fact that I was too angry at Potter to think straight. I'm not like all the other Slytherins, you know that. I can admit that I deserved what I got."

Lily's mouth hung open as she stared at him. Her gaze made him blush.

"Well," said Lily, "two apologies in one conversation. I guess I'll take what I can get, right?" When he looked up she was smiling at him, and it was the prettiest thing he'd ever seen.


"Expecto Patronum!" he shouted. A large spider erupted from his wands before it disintegrated into clouds of silver. The Dementor was still, and pushed backward. Then it started forward again. The memory was gone, and he was too weak to summon it back. It pained him to think of her, but he hadn't been excluded from Gryffindor pointlessly.


He was seventeen, and sitting next to her under a birch tree by the lake. The wind blew the water around and the branches whistled their own tune. She was lying upon the grass with her eyes closed, and a smile graced her lips. He watched it longingly, bitterly.

"You look happy," he stated.

She laughed, still not opening her brilliantly green eyes. "That might be because I am happy."

He felt the anger and the sadness dig into him, harder than the rock he was squeezing dug into his palm. "Potter."

Lily stopped smiling. She suddenly stiffened. "What about Potter?"

"He's the one that put that smile on your face."

The sun played hide and seek with the water as she lay there responseless. A choir of robins serenaded them. He hated the stupid sound of it.

"He's changed, you know."

Severus gripped the stone even harder, until one of the sharp edges cut through his skin and it stung.

"He doesn't bully anymore; it really looks like he's matured."

A little droplet of blood fell from his hand onto the ground, where it disappeared into the earth, leaving behind a glistening trail upon his hand.

"He told me he loves me."

Severus threw the stone across the lake. It fell too far to cause a satisfactorily loud splash, and the stinging of his hand gave him no sense of glory. He felt absolutely empty.

"Do you believe him?" he asked in a cold, brittle voice. He looked over to see she had sat up and opened her eyes to watch him anxiously. But the only thing he hoped to see wasn't there. There was no doubt in her eyes.

"I do believe him. He loves me."

Severus looked away. He could see the ripples growing from where his stone had penetrated the illuminated surface. He glanced down at his hand, at the blood that had filled in the lines molded across it. "Do you love him?"

She looked across the lake, not really seeing it. He waited with hammering heart. "No, not yet. But I might end up loving him."

His heart sunk. It was the worst moment of his life. His mask of indifference was being torn on the edges. "You know...I think...I think I might love you too."

He blinked his eyes shut tightly, feeling his face burn and his heart jump toward his throat. Goosebumps erupted all over his skin as he felt her right beside him and her soft laugh in his ears. She put her arms around him, and rested her head upon his shoulder.

"Oh, Severus. I already love you. I've loved you for more than a year now. And it won't be Potter who'll make me stop."

Even though moments before he'd thought he was having the worst day of his life, such a feeling of contentment filled him that he thought he'd never need another thing for as long as he lived.


"Expecto Patronum!" he bellowed, his wand becoming slightly steadier. The silver spider came back and charged toward the Dementor. He got to his feet and ran just as the spider disappeared. He ran for over a minute, before his exhaustion brought him forcefully to the ground. He had barely stopped feeling the cold when it returned. The tears streamed from his cavernous eyes, as he pulled from the depths of his mind one other memory, more beautiful and more terrible than the others.


He could hear the laughing floating in from inside the large, elegant house. He could hear it, even over the rain. He waited under a tree. He glanced over at 'LILY AND JAMES' inscribed upon it. He had gotten used to the cold, numbing feeling of acceptance, but it still stung a little. Sometimes the magnitude of what they had hit him, and the confused feeling of betrayal would take over once more. In those moments, he'd feel a strange, wild pride in being a secret part of the group that terrorized many nightmares. But then it would wash away, and he'd feel as confused and misplaced as ever. He would long for her presence. He didn't feel like the lost puzzle piece when she was around.

"Waiting for me?"

He jumped, and she laughed. She had Apparated beside him soundlessly. He stood in awe. She stood there in the loveliest wedding dress he'd ever seen, laughing, not caring about the rain that dropped down upon her dress. He had never seen her face look so serene. Her smile was effortless.

"Well, I doubt your husband would welcome me in." His voice held less warmth than the wet air.

The smile did not leave her face even though she heard his pain. "It wouldn't be any business of his to welcome you or not. If I say you can come, you can come."

He just looked at her. The white glossy fabric hugged her body. Her hair was falling out of it's bun, her locks barely touching her shoulders. Her eyes shone out brighter than ever.

"You look like a dream," he told her quietly. Her smile faltered adorably.

"Thank you," she said graciously.

"I don't think he'll ever deserve you."

Lily bit her lip. A rain drop fell over her mouth and slid over it mockingly. "Severus, will you ever think someone will deserve me?"

It didn't seem to matter that they were heading toward the topic he never spoke of, even though it was all he could think of.

"No. Especially not me."

"What do you mean? You - you told me you might love me."

He felt like reaching out a hand and smoothing the confusion from her face. "You remember?"

She rolled her eyes. "Of course I remember. I remember every important thing you ever said to me."

He couldn't help but smile and shake his head. "I will never deserve you."

She looked at him strangely. "Why? What did you do?"

The rain fell across his face, as the wind shook the water resting upon the tree leaves onto them. "Lily, did you mean it when you told me you loved me?"

Lily washed the troubles from her face, as the smile returned. She stepped closer. "Severus, just because I'm not wearing a ring of yours, doesn't mean I ever stopped."

With her so close, he couldn't keep himself from stroking her neck, or taking that last step to fill in the space between them. Her lips felt like flower petals in the early morning. He found himself pulling away much too soon. There was a pained look in her eyes he hated himself for putting there. But he couldn't help but notice she hadn't pulled away, or stepped back once he had.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Her eyes bore into his so penetratingly he had to look away. The rain had stopped.

"I love you, Lily. You break my heart."

Severus turned to leave, feeling too overwhelmed to recover without shame. He took three steps before he felt her warm hand grab at his arm, and her voice as striking as an afternoon sun. "I want to mend your heart, Severus."

She had looked just like a little girl. He knew she didn't understand. But he would take what he could get.


"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

He kept his eyes closed but he could hear the whooshing of his spider Patronus chasing away the Dementor. The warmth returned to the air, and the stars continued to wink. But Severus Snape did not feel warmth; he did not feel smiled-upon. He felt the empty space where she had been as strongly as the day he had first been told she was gone. He lay there upon the wood, and he gave up. He asked for forgiveness. He saw her face again. He saw her eyes reading him like a book. He saw her gentle hands, slowly, purposefully sewing his heart back together.

He heard a twig snap. And the last thing he saw as he drew his eternally unfinished breath, were her eyes, staring at him from a black-haired boys face, filled with a savage, uncontrollable hatred.

And then he ended. Just like a cool November's breeze weaves through the branches and takes with it the last of the dying leaves, lifting it over the treetops, with no other purpose than for it to fall from a higher place.

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A huge thanks to my betas, Hermione Rocks and Colores, without whom I'd be lost. And a big thanks to all the help I received on the forums concerning Snape's Patronus.

Severus/Lily is definitely not my favorite pairing, but I'm pretty pleased with the way this came out. I hope you'll agree with me!