“James Potter.�

“Prat.� I didn’t hesitate for a moment. Kara, my friend, and I were sitting in the common room playing a word association game. One of us would say a word and the other would respond with the first word that came to mind.

Kara laughed. “Do you really think that?� Her look was doubtful and her eyes were suggestive.

“Yes,� I said, a little too quickly.

“You have to admit, he is dreamy,� she said, causing us to burst out into laughter.

“Dreamy?� I chuckled.

She laughed in response. “It was the first word I thought of.

“And if you ever use it again, it’d be my job, as your friend, to make it your last.�

“It’d be appreciated. But if I ever use it again, I’ll do it to myself.�

My father once told me that my biggest personality flaw was my pride. When he said it, I didn’t believe him. Me? Proud? I scoffed. That definitely wasn’t true. For a psychologist, it certainly was a poor diagnosis.

The notion was ridiculous. I wasn’t proud. Now, James Potter, he was the proud one. But me? Never. Or that’s what I thought. But his words had been playing in my mind lately. I had a sickening feeling that he could be right.

I’ll never forget the conversation we had that day. It had been last year, sixth year.

I had just ranted about James Potter’s latest antics. Instead of sympathising, my father merely let out a half-laugh, half-sigh, and shook his head.

“Oh Lily.�

“What?� I asked, bewildered by his reaction.

He chuckled. “One day, you will bend, I promise you that.�

“How so?� I questioned.

“You, proud girl, will swallow your pride. It’s your worst attribute, just like your grandmother, and one day, it’ll be time for you to overcome it.�

My face hardened at his insult. He laughed once again.

“Now there is a familiar face,� my father smiled. But when my eyes stayed angry, he patted my knee lovingly. “Don’t worry,� he consoled. “Pride isn’t all bad.�

I didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day. I wanted to a few times; I had gotten over if after about a minute, but something prevented me from doing so. I wasn’t quite sure what it was. My father said it was stubbornness. “As stubborn as a mule,� he muttered.

What did he know?

*

My friend Amy once told me that she didn’t think I ever hated James Potter, which was utter and complete rubbish.

I definitely hated Potter with every ounce of my being. And if I didn’t now, I did at one point. He made me so mad. I’ll admit that I have a quick temper. But I always get over it quickly. As soon as I cool off, I’m fine. But with Potter, I never was. When he did something, the anger bubbled inside of me for hours. I couldn’t shake it. I just kept thinking about it, my fists clenched.

Amy said that the contempt never reached my eyes and that, sometimes, there was even mirth in them. What was she, some sort of eye-reader?

But for some reason, all the things that people have said to me in the past seven years have run through my mind lately.

“You don’t really hate me,� Potter informed me last year. His eyes were challenging, testy…and positive. They were completely assured that he was right. I was going to prove that they were not.

“You don’t know what I think,� I replied coldly. I didn’t hate him? He wished!

The smirk on his face made me irritated. Maybe it was because I knew what he said was somewhat true, or maybe because I knew that he knew I didn’t hate him. I would never admit it though.

“I think I do,� James said, his eyes glowing. Did he like confrontation or something?

“I really dislike you.�

“Is that so?� he questioned, leaning in a little bit. Was he trying to flirt with me? Hah! Like that would work.

“Yes!� I almost yelled, agitated and impatient. He was so thick!

He chuckled, still unconvinced. My eyes squinted with wrath. “You know what, Potter?� He looked at me with mild interest. “You’re a – a dopher-head!�

James began to laugh. “A… dopher-head? Is that even a word?�

I knew it wasn’t. And to this day, I have no idea what I meant to say. It was just the first derogatory-sounding word I could think of. Maybe I meant to say gopher-head. Not like that wouldn’t have sounded equally ridiculous…

“Yes, of course it is!� I lied. “Just because your vocabulary isn’t up to par, it doesn’t mean I make up words!�

So I stormed up to my room and spent the rest of the afternoon charming the definition of ‘dopher’ into my dictionary. I made it a noun, meaning ‘something of minimal intelligence’, which also didn’t really fit into my sentence, but figured he wouldn’t be intelligent enough to notice.

Then I shoved the dictionary into James, who looked at it with suspicion. He examined the page somewhat sceptically, but then actually apologised. I didn’t expect him to. In fact, it was the last thing I expected. It was Potter. He never apologised for anything. So when he said he was sorry, it was both refreshing and satisfying.

I’ve heard him use the word ever since, and I always laugh guiltily. I wanted to tell him that he has been using a made-up word, but I couldn’t admit that he was right and I lied. It wasn’t even just lying. I actually spent hours to make it seem as though I hadn’t lie.

It’s not as though he would have listened anyway. He had declared me greedy.

It all started in December of seventh year with ice-skating. I know. I was an idiot. If I just hadn’t decided to go ice-skating by myself, none of this would have happened.

Anyway, I was at Hogwarts for the winter holiday. It was my last year and I really wanted to spend as much time as I could at the castle. So I stayed, even though none of my friends did. I didn’t care much. I wanted some personal time for myself – get some reading and thinking done.

James Potter told me he was staying, too. It wasn’t a big deal though. He hadn’t bothered me much all year. In fact, we got on quite well. Now that I think of it, I should have seen that something was different. He barely talked to me, rarely looked at me and kept to himself and his friends. He wasn’t obnoxious or annoying. He just lurked in the shadows. We patrolled, but he was always in his own world.

I didn’t think this was strange. I didn’t think anything of it, in fact. I was busy and didn’t have much time to spend worrying and thinking about Potter. He was out of my hair.

I was sitting in the windowsill watching the layer of ice coating the lake shine in the early sunlight, when I had a sudden, unexplained urge to go ice-skating. I was never very good and didn’t even like it much. The ice was always too cold on my fallen body; it left my fingers frozen stiff and nose raw. But I went.

I grabbed the ice skates my aunt had bought me for Christmas last year and trudged to the pond.

Before I knew it, my blades were cutting through the ice, leaving trails of where they once lingered. At first, I was a bit wobbly. But after a few minutes, I was a skating machine. It was a nice feeling, the cold wind on my face, the flecks of snow caught in my eyelashes, the warmth in my cheeks.

That was, until I found myself submerged in the cold water. I guess there must have been a weak spot in the ice, because I fell through. One moment I was skating, feeling very good about myself, for I hadn’t fallen yet, and the next, my stomach dropped. It was like I was watching myself fall in slow motion. I knew what was happening but could do nothing to stop it.

I thought I was going to die. The water cut me like knives. The heavy skates on my feet made it impossible to kick. I struggled for a moment, flailing my numb arms. But I couldn’t for long. The water was too cold. I was too tired. I sunk deeper into the water.

That was it. I knew it was the end. I was going to die alone in the lake, water thrashing above my head. I was going to die because of a stupid whim to relive my childhood by skating. I found myself wondering whether I would drown or freeze to death first. I wondered who would find me, or if I would just sink to the bottom, my body disappearing. Would some poor child find my decaying body in ten years?

My lungs burned, and I figured I’d drown first. But, then again, I couldn’t feel any part of my body. Maybe it really would be painless… I was numb.

The last thing I remember thinking was that I wished I told my parents, Kara, and Amy that I loved them, and maybe they were right about it all. And it all went black. It was all over. Unconsciousness overtook.

I didn’t expect to wake up. I really didn’t. I was sure that death by drowning would follow. But I woke up. I woke up in a warm bed, although my skin was still chalk white, an improvement from the blue that was there previously, Madam Pomfrey ensured.

“I don’t know what you were thinking. Ice-skating, alone? To think, what would have happened if he hadn’t been there…� she grumbled, almost to herself, as she prepared for my release.

“What do you mean? If who wasn’t there? What happened?� I asked curiously, my chest constricting painfully. No one would tell me anything! How was I still alive? What happened in the lake?

Madam Pomfrey sighed and set down a potion. “He didn’t want you to know. I told him that you’d want to thank him. But he insisted.�

“Who didn’t want me to know what?� I asked aggressively, getting aggravated.

“I guess it can’t hurt,� she answered apprehensively. I nodded eagerly, urging her to tell. “James Potter jumped in after you. He saved your life.�

My eyes widened. James Potter saved my life? And he didn’t want me to know? He jumped into the lake after me? And pulled me out? That couldn’t be…

“James Potter?� I repeated sceptically.

“Yes, dear. Almost froze to death doing so.�

“Are you sure? I mean, Potter?� I asked slowly, gaping.

Madam Pomfrey’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, Miss Evans, I’m quite sure. He does create more than his share of havoc, but he is Head Boy.�

I never liked Madam Pomfrey, which was why I was easily convinced that she wasn’t telling the truth. “Then why didn’t he want me to know?� I asked under my breath, looking down and thinking. That was what I didn’t understand.

“Just take this and you can go.� She handed me a potion, which radiated warmth down to my toes. It was a nice feeling.

With a last reprimand, she sent me off. I was surprised that I got to leave in the same day. Usually Madam Pomfrey would insist that I stay the night, but I supposed that I was there for quite a few hours, and I got the feeling she didn’t like me much either.

In the distance, a clock struck eight. I didn’t really hear it though. I couldn’t get over the fact that James saved my life. Did it mean I was indebted to him now? Did it mean that I would have to face the reality that he wasn’t so bad?

He wasn’t bad. I couldn’t think anything bad about him. Not when, without him, I would have been dead. He risked his life to save me.

I never gave him any credit for anything before that day. And it hit me hard. I always saw the bad in him, because it was easy to. It was easy to pick out all his negative attributes. I never cared to look for anything more. I never realised that, at heart, he was a Gryffindor. That he was brave, courageous, and loyal. Not just that, but funny and optimistic.

It wasn’t until that walk from the Hospital Wing did I realise that, while I saw all the unpleasant in him, he never did that to me. He overlooked or forgot all my terrible qualities. He didn’t seem to care about them, while I lingered over his forever.

Maybe James wasn’t as bad as I thought he was, but still, I knew him a little bit. He would have wanted me to know that it was him who saved me. Or he would have before. Maybe he really had changed more than I thought.

Before, James would have come in bragging gleefully. He would have dramatically retold his heroic quest at least ten times. Then he would have told me that a kiss would be a good repayment for now, but to really get out of debt, I’d have to marry him. What happened to that James? Beyond my gratitude to be alive, something was up, and I was going to find out what it was.

I entered the common room. There were a few people there, but I had never stayed at Hogwarts for the holiday, so I had nothing to compare the number to. A cheerful fire was crackling, and I inhaled the aroma of burning wood, appreciating it. How could I never have realized how sweet the scent was until now? Pushing everything great about life to the back of my mind, I looked around for James.

I knew that I had to thank him. I could’ve just pretended that I didn’t know it was him. I could’ve gone on like Madam Pomfrey never told me. But, then again, I couldn’t have. I couldn’t live with the knowledge that I never said I was sorry for all I did, and that I was grateful he saved my life.

But it didn’t matter much, since he wasn’t there. I figured that he was either wandering the school or in his dorm. Since none of his friends had stayed behind, I doubted the former.

I made my way toward the staircase leading to the boys’ dormitories. And it seemed I was at the door too quickly. I wasn’t nervous exactly. Not nervous. Just… unsure. I hadn’t a clue what to say to him.

I raised my hand, and before I could turn around, it hit the wood.

“Err… who is it?� came James’ voice.

“It’s Lily,� I replied.

“We don’t have Head duties.�

“I know. Can I come in?� He granted me entrance, so I walked in.

I had been in his dorm before. It was generally clean, a few moving Quidditch posters plastered on the wall, and unmade beds. James was sprawled out on his blankets, a few magazines laid before him, but he sat up when I walked in.

“Hi, Evans,� he said, watching me walk in.

“You can call me Lily,� I responded, sitting down on the bed across from him. “I mean, if it weren’t for you, they’d be calling me in the grave.� I thought it was pretty clever beginning.

“Madam Pomfrey told you?� He didn’t seem at all surprised, only tired. He rubbed his face. I guess saving me must have been draining.

I took my cue and looked around the room. On the nightstand next to James’ bed were two framed pictures. One was a young James; I had to stifle a laugh. He looked exactly like he did sitting across from me. The five-year-old was grinning broadly on a broom a few feet in the air; just below him were what appeared to be his parents. He had the same messy black hair, bright hazel eyes and grin, only he was miniature. Examining closely, I realized that his head was much too large for his body.

“That was our Christmas card one year,� James said, catching my gaze.

I chuckled. “It’s cute.�

He laughed. “Thanks, I guess. My mum loves it. I never cared for it though.� He thought for a second. “In fact, I begged her not to send it. I knew almost every wizard for a million miles would see it; my head just looks so odd.�

“Like it’s too big for your body,� I said with a snicker, amused.

“Well, when you put it that way….�

“Oh,� I bit my tongue. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I say things without thinking.� I mentally hit myself. He saved my life, and I was mouthing off to him again.

James merely chuckled. “It’s fine. You’re right. It does look a tad too big.�

I smiled in return. “Just a tad. Kind of like an alien.�

My eyes focused in on the other picture. It was much more recent. It couldn’t have been more than a month old. James was in his red sweater with a girl. I recognized her, but couldn’t put my finger on her. She wasn’t particularly pretty, but not bad.

She had thick brown hair, which was wavy, and a nice smile. Her eyes looked light brown, but could have been hazel or hazel-green. She wore glasses and a Ravenclaw scarf. As I looked at her, I decided that the girl was pretty, but one had to search for it. Her eyes were shiny and happy; her hand clasped James’.

“Who’s that?� I asked, aware that I was being rude, but not fazed by it.

James glanced backward. “Oh, that’s Anna. Do you know her?� he asked with mild interest. I shook my head. “She’s in Ravenclaw. I’m sure you’ve seen her. Anita Morgan?�

“I don’t think so, but she looks familiar. How do you know her?� If James had a girlfriend, everyone knew the next day, so that couldn’t have been it. Then who was she? His fourth best friend?

“Err, she’s a good friend.�

I knew he wouldn’t tell me any more; there was something in his face that told me so. So I dropped it.

“I just wanted to thank you,� I said, “really.� I looked into his eyes. I wanted him to know that I was sincere. I really did appreciate it. “Thank you.�

“You’re welcome. I wouldn’t have let you drown, you know.�

“I know.�

“So, I’ll be seeing you, I suppose,� James said.

“Guess you will.� I stood and turned to go. And he picked up a book that was mixed in with the magazines and turned to the bookmarked page.

But before I left, I had to know. “Hey, James?� He looked up from his book. “Why didn’t you want me to know that you saved me?�

He thought for a second before shrugging. “I dunno. I guess I didn’t want you to feel like you owed me. I didn’t want it to be a big deal. It really wasn’t. It was just… something you do. Someone is drowning, you save them. Instinct, I think.�

“I don’t think it is instinct.� I paused. “Maybe just character?� I smiled at him, aware of how easy it was to smile around him. He grinned back at me and I left.

I was exhausted, but wanted to get some reading done before bed. I told myself that I would do so much reading with all the leisurely time I had, but in reality, I did hardly any. Instead, I spent my days sleeping and doing similar relaxing activities. I have to say, it was nice. I was often sleep-deprived during school, staying up to all hours of the night doing homework that I procrastinated on.

So I took a seat in the common room with my book. The fire burned closely, and the heat drifted in my direction. It certainly felt nice. My eyes lost focus on the words as I became drowsy. I couldn’t help it. My eyelids felt like lead. They closed. But only for a minute, I told myself.

It was only minutes later that someone was shaking me awake. It took all the strength I had to pry my eyes open, even if it was just a crack. I couldn’t make out the tall figure at first, so I opened my eyes a little more. It was James, I came to realize.

“What is it?� I croaked, my voice strange from sleep.

“You may want to go to your bed. Take it from me, chairs are quite uncomfortable to sleep in.� I squinted up at him and nodded, rubbing my eyes.

“What time is it?�

“Almost three.�

“In the night?� I asked, shocked that I had slept that much.

“Morning, actually,� he replied with a smile.

I could feel the creases on my face and, to my embarrassment, drool hardened on my cheeks.

I was slowly reawakening; my eyes were wider and mind clearer. “I won’t be able to sleep now.�

“Me either. I slept all afternoon,� James said. I forgot he was there. He took a seat in the chair next to me.

“Will you be here for a few minutes?� I asked. He nodded, so I ran to my dorm, brushed my teeth, and splashed water on my face. When I returned, I felt much better, but hoped it wasn’t obvious that I had fixed myself up a bit.

I sat down in the same seat and my eyes fell on the fire – the predator. It was the reason I slept, the soothing flames and lulling heat.

“You know, my grandparents were married for ninety years,� James started.

“Wow,� I said softly. I couldn’t imagine that. With someone for ninety years… the idea was ludicrous.

“They met in Hogwarts, were married right after graduation. And you know what the crazy thing is?� I shook my head. He grinned. “Their names were Francis and Frances.�

I laughed. “Really?� I asked doubtfully.

Smiling, he nodded. “It got a bit confusing, but they couldn’t let that get in the way.� He stopped and tilted his head backwards. Was he finished with the story?

“Well…?� I asked. He looked back at me.

“Well what?�

“Well, what happened? Aren’t you going to finish the story?�

“I hear you’re smart, I thought it was pretty self-explanatory. They got married, had my dad, and were together for a long time.�

“What do you mean were?�

“My grandmother passed away this summer,� James replied ruefully. I could tell that it was still an open wound for him; there was pain in his eyes. It was obvious sorrow, but I could see it and I felt bad for bringing it up.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.�

“It’s fine,� he said. “Really,� he added gently, noticing my uncertainty. “It’s been really hard on my grandfather though.�

“I can imagine, losing someone after being together for ninety years. That’s always scared me.� Did I just say that? Was I opening up to James Potter?

“What has?� he asked softly, his eyes inquiring.

I didn’t like the look in his eyes. He was trying to read me – to see into my soul. “Well, err, the thought of being with someone that long. I’m afraid that I would get sick of the person and ruin it all. Even after five or ten years, will it be the same? Will you feel the same?�

He thought for a moment, and I watched him. “I think,� he started slowly, “that if you love the person, then yes.� I liked that answer. “If you are with a person that you truly love, that you would give anything for, then it never changes. Six months – one hundred years, it won’t go away, because you both grow and change together.�

“Was that how it was with your grandparents?� I prodded gently.

James nodded and turned to me. “After the funeral, my grandfather hugged me. And I’ll never forget what he said. He told me that he had just lost the love of his life, the most important thing in the world to him, and that it hurt like hell. He said he probably wouldn’t ever be the same. But then he looked me straight in the eyes; he said that his time with her was something he would never trade, that it was the only thing worth living for. He told me to find that. He told me that once I had that, nothing else would be as important. And he said once I found it, to cherish it and never let it go.�

I felt like crying. It just suddenly came over me. Would I ever have something like that?

“That’s nice,� I replied softly, a knot in my throat, and something swelling in my chest for this boy. This was a James Potter I had never seen, a James Potter who was amazing.

“I’m sure you’ll find it, Lily,� he said certainly after a moment. I gave a nod, hoping he was right, and we talked for the rest of the night.

Chapter Three: She Wasn’t Drowning

James and I didn’t have any more heart-to-hearts after that. The holiday passed and we hardly spoke, as usual. I mean, there was the occasional “I have so much homework� or “It’s been a rough week� on patrol, but other than that, we didn’t really communicate.

I wanted to countless times. I wanted to say something, to spark up a conversation, to comment on the weather, anything. I wanted to talk to him again. I wanted to see the boy that I saw that night, because by the end of it, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew that I could love that James. I couldn’t talk to him though. I wasn’t the one who started conversations. It wasn’t my role in our relationship.

But I tried. I opened my mouth, hoping that words would fall out. But they never did. They just stayed grudgingly in there, refusing to come out.

That was, until a few weeks ago. That day, I had no problem finding words to say to James. I was just so… angry. I don’t even know why. It just didn’t make sense. I had no real reason to be angry with James. But I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t make the frustration go away.

Two weeks ago, on a Thursday, we were patrolling, like always. There was nothing unique about the date or patrol. James and I were walking, he in his own world, and I in mine. The odd thing was that my world was increasingly focusing on him. I would glance in his direction, wondering what he was doing or what expression was on his face. I would admire how the lighting always made his face look peaceful and serene. I would notice the amber in his eyes.

I did it without even realizing it. My eyes would just stray there. At first, I just thought of it as curiosity. But as it happened more and more, I knew I was more than curious about what James was doing. I mean, there weren’t too many things he could have been doing. We were patrolling.

That’s when we heard it. James looked in my direction and I immediately turned my head, hoping he didn’t catch my gaze. If he did, he didn’t dwindle on it, for there were footsteps approaching. We both turned our lit wands in the direction of the noise. At first, neither of us could see anything. But we both soon saw a girl coming down the corridor. It was difficult to make her out, even with the light.

“James?� the girl called softly, trying to be quiet.

James squinted in her direction for a moment. But he must have placed her, because he responded, “Anna?�

Anna? I finally placed her. She was the girl from the picture! She approached James and maneuvered her way into his arms. “I missed you.�

She missed him? I watched the scene unfold in front of me. I was the onlooker and almost felt awkward about it. It was as though I was watching something I shouldn’t have been. It was none of my business, but I couldn’t unglue my eyes.

“I missed you, too. But what are you doing? It’s past curfew,� James responded to the girl, still hugging her firmly.

She grinned and looked up at him. “I was hoping that having the Head Boy as my boyfriend could help me with that.�

Boyfriend? Did she say boyfriend? James was her boyfriend? Something was very wrong with the whole situation. James didn’t go off with other girls. James was supposed to want me for all eternity.

James smiled back at her, looking unsure.

“Oh, please! Can’t you just skive off for a little while and take a walk with me?� Anna pleaded, giving a puppy-dog face. How pathetic!

He played with the idea for a moment before grinning broadly. “Okay,� he answered and she gave a leap with joy, kissing him on the lips.

But don’t worry, before he completely disappeared, he threw his head over his shoulder and yelled, “Hope you don’t mind, Lil.� He was going to snog that stupid girl was what he was going to do, and he called me Lil. Nobody called me Lil.

Why was he allowed to talk to me all night and date a girl at the same time? It just wasn’t fair. Why was he allowed to make me like him and then not like me anymore?

I just stood there for a few moments, rooted to the ground. I could hear their giggling echo through the halls and the sound of a broom closet door shutting. Well, maybe I didn’t hear the door shutting, but I could have sworn I did.

I felt almost betrayed…and helpless. I hadn’t really ever felt helpless before; I never let myself feel helpless. But I couldn’t control this. I couldn’t make James turn around and care about me again. I couldn’t do anything about him kissing Anita Morgan.

That made me angry. I wanted to punch something. Preferably James’ girlfriend. And I wasn’t a violent person.

James’ girlfriend.

Why didn’t he tell me about them when I picked up the picture and asked about the girl? Why hadn’t he mentioned it? Why hadn’t anyone else mentioned it? This was James Potter. Everyone knew when he was dating someone, but the one time I actually cared, it was a secret?

The boy drove me nuts. Everything about him drove me nuts. The way he always knew what to say.

Then I remembered that he saved me from the lake. I hadn’t forgotten, but it temporarily slipped my mind. I don’t even know why he did it, if he didn’t even like me.

Because he’s stupid and noble, I grudgingly answered.

Why didn’t he go save his girlfriend from the lake?

Because she wasn’t drowning.

I wasn’t a fan of the whole situation. In fact, I hated it. It drove me up the wall. I wanted to tell James exactly what I thought of him and his stupid girlfriend. So I decided that I would. I would give him a piece of my mind. He wasn’t allowed to just run off to snog some girl. We were patrolling. It was our duty!

The next day, I was heading to meet James in the same spot we met every day for patrol. Overnight, I had cooled down a bit, and didn’t want to start any conflict. So I wasn’t going to say anything about the previous night. That was, until I arrived to see James and Anita kissing goodbye.

Everything came rushing back mysteriously fast. My fist curled into a ball and my nails scarred my palms. I really didn’t know where this anger came from. It was nothing like I had ever felt before.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Anita and James broke apart, noticing my presence.

“Sorry,� Anita said, “I’ll just be going.� I gave her some sort of contorted grin. It couldn’t have been pretty.

The girl scurried off, leaving James and me to patrol.

“What’s wrong with you?� he asked casually as we began to walk. I was pretty sure that the vein in my temple was enlarged and pumping out of my head rapidly.

“What’s wrong with me?� I asked fiercely. It wasn’t a yell, and I was proud of myself for containing my anger. “What’s wrong with you?�

“I dunno. Nothing really. I’m pretty good.�

Was he completely oblivious to everything in the world? Did he not notice my slight irritation?

“You can’t just do that!� I exclaimed.

“Do what?� he asked, looking at me with interest.

“You know I’m angry and you’re ignoring it!�

James smiled, and it was adorable. “A little.� I stared at him, a real withering stare. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault.�

“What is?� I asked, surprised. I didn’t think he actually knew what I was angry about. I probably wouldn’t have if I were him.

“I shouldn’t have left patrolling. It was irresponsible and I’m sorry.� He paused, thinking for a moment. “And I’m sorry I called you Lil. I know you hate it.� That had caught me off guard and it showed. My scornful look turned into one of surprise.

“How do you know that?� I breathed, looking at him. James just shrugged.

“Are you still mad?� he asked. I thought for a moment.

“Yes!� I almost shouted. He was still with Anita Morgan, so yes, I was still mad.

“Why?�

“What?�

“Why are you still angry? I apologized,� James repeated.

“It isn’t that!� I responded.

“What is it then?� he blinked calmly.

I wanted to say it. I wanted to tell him that I was jealous and that I liked him. I wanted to tell him that I thought about him all the time. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I had too much…pride. How I hated my father.

I knew I needed to say something, but my mind was drawing a blank. James’s gaze was too intense to think. Finally, I gritted my teeth and responded.

“It’s that stupid girl!� I answered. “It’s that we talked all night and you just never talked to me again! It’s that you’re kissing her right in my range of view. It’s that it’s disgusting! It’s that you didn’t tell me you were dating her!�

“Why do you care, Lily?� he asked after a moment. “Do you have feelings for me or something?�

I looked at him. There was something firm in his eyes that I hadn’t really ever seen before, but they were soft. His eyes were always soft when he looked at me. Well, they used to be. They used to always be playful and alive when he looked at me.

“No!� I scoffed, dropping the word as if it were a worm. But we both knew it wasn’t true. “I just don’t like her.�

James looked frustrated. “You know what I think?� he nearly yelled. I shrugged, attempting to look as if I didn’t care, when I was really hanging on every word he spoke.

“I think you’re greedy, Lily Evans.�

“What?� I asked, sounding shocked. It was a reflex.

He leaned his head in so his eyes were closer to mine. “I think you are greedy. I think that you are self-centered and you don’t care about anyone but yourself. You don’t know how long it took me to get over you!� His hand flew up with exasperation. “You treated me like dirt for three years. You hurt me and you didn’t care, you stepped on my head when I was drowning, you kicked me when I was down. But I still liked you. You were a jerk to me, but I didn’t even care. And now, now, I’m finally through with it all. I’m not under your spell anymore. I have a girlfriend; I’m happy. And you can’t stand it! You like me after I’ve moved on. And you do it with the knowledge that I have a soft spot for you. I can’t even believe it. It’s going to begin all over again.� He threw both of his hands into his hair and I wasn’t sure what to think.

“I’m not going to let it happen again,� he muttered to himself. “I don’t like you, Lily. And I would’ve before, but I’m not going to let you take out your anger on my girlfriend or me. So I’m out of the game before it begins. Later.�

And James walked away. As I watched him walk down the corridor, I half-admired him.

Chapter Four: My Poetic Soul

We didn’t patrol together after that. It was an unspoken agreement, the best decision for both of us. We went our separate ways, avoiding each other’s gaze. Personally, I was more embarrassed than anything else. He knew that I liked him. I never corrected him, and I didn’t like that.

James, on the other hand, was through with me, something he had made quite clear. His speech had left me reeling, dazed for the following few days. I didn’t know why, but his words hurt me. They cut deep, deeper than I could have ever imagined. Everything he said was true, and I felt awful.

I wanted to slap myself; he had liked me, which I guess I knew, but never really believed. And you do it with the knowledge that I have a soft spot for you. I always thought that, in a way, it was the thrill of the chase, and I was the girl that always said no. But I was wrong. I don’t think it was ever that. James had liked me. He had liked me the way I haven’t felt until now. The odds were completely against me, but it didn’t matter. It changed nothing.

So I did the only sensible thing I could think of. Once the effects of our last conversation (or fight) wore off, I started to consider my options. It came down to one thing – I had to get over James Potter. There was no other way.

So, the whole day, I tried to convince myself that I didn’t like him. I repeated bad things about him in my mind, reminding myself of incidents that showed how terrible he was. Like saving you and not asking anything in return?

It was like that all day. My heart and brain had different agendas. My brain repeated bad James while my heart screamed in protest. And after a few minutes, my brain would turn on me, erasing all the bad, leaving me with the things he had said to me.

My grandparents were married for ninety years. It surprised me how intense his eyes were, how passionate he was when he spoke of his friends and family, how easy he was to talk to. And that – not stupid bullying he had done when he was younger to impress me – was the image in my mind.

Still, it had worked in third year. Then, I had successfully vanished my crush on him, and I had to try again. I knew it wasn’t going to work, I knew my feelings were too strong, but still, I attempted.

And by the end of the day, I had made progress. I hadn’t exactly forgotten him, but I was doing better. I was close…very close. So I headed to the Great Hall, intending to test it out.

I sat next to Amy. I knew James saw me, but avoided my eyes. It was the beat we had been dancing to. Avoid any eye contact, glance and look away quickly, feign lack of interest. Feigning. That’s exactly what it was. For me, at least. I wanted to look up. I wanted to see what he was eating, who he was talking to, and whether he was thinking of me while he was doing it, like it would be written on his face.

“Lily? Are you alright?�

I swallowed hard at Amy’s question.

“Why wouldn’t I be?� My voice had an edge of panic. I was afraid that Amy knew what I was thinking, even though it was impossible.

“I dunno… You’ve been far off lately.�

I shrugged. “I’m just tired.� Having nothing more to say about the subject, I turned back to my food, back to James. James – the only thing on my mind those days.

A few minutes later, Amy began to rant about Professor Slughorn’s clear favoritism. And I saw an opportunity and took it. I pretended to listen intently to Amy, all while my eyes scanned the Ravenclaw table. I quickly found Anna, the brown-haired girl James was infatuated with. She was talking to a friend, every once in a while glancing over at James with her eyes alight.

For the first time, I felt guilty about liking James, and didn’t know why. It wasn’t a crime to have a crush on someone with a girlfriend, but I felt like I was somehow sabotaging their relationship. I felt badly, because they seemed so happy together. And there I was, a pathetic heart latching on, hopelessly attracted to James.

Yet, I couldn’t do much about it. I had tried, and that was worth something. I just couldn’t turn off the feelings. I didn’t enjoy liking him; I didn’t like him because I wanted to jeopardize his happiness. It was just the way it was. Something I couldn’t control.

We weren’t sitting too far from James, Sirius, and the clan, so I casually asked someone to pass the butter, knowing that James was closest. Somewhat awkwardly, James looked up at me, our eyes meeting. He was reading me again, burning holes into my eyes. I looked back for a moment, trying to do the same to him, trying to apologize without words. But his gaze soon became too intense for even me; I had to break it. So I looked away, in a way I hoped was casual. James continued to look at me for a moment, silently handing me the butter. Just as I had planned, our hands brushed. But the plan had been soiled. I let the feelings come back. And to confirm it, the place our hands touched burned, and my stomach swooped. I should have known… just being in the same room with him did it.

This is where I was stuck. I was in a rut. Only in this rut, I had a zero-percent chance of getting out. I highly doubted James would even talk to me, let alone break up with his girlfriend for me. His girlfriend. Where did that leave me? Exactly. Nowhere.

Why hadn’t I seen the real James before? Why had I hated him? Why, all of a sudden, was I the thick one? The one who just didn’t get it? I could have had the last six years with him! We could have been the couple that was together forever, who were always next to each other, holding hands, and expected to continue after Hogwarts. We could have been his grandparents!

It was that thought that scared me. Where had I made the jump from having a crush on James to wanting to spend the next ninety years with him? My heart started to beat rapidly. Everything was closing in… I had been so afraid of never finding someone; I had never considered that the person that was right for me was James, the one that was always right there.

“I – � I swallowed, the thought of food sickening. “I’m not hungry,� I finished quickly. Amy looked at me with concern.

“Are you okay, Lily?�

I took a breath, swallowing air, looking for the words. The truth was, I didn’t have any, because I didn’t know if I was okay. Tears swelled up in my eyes, the feeling of dread intensely overwhelming. I began to inhale rapidly, afraid that if I didn’t, I would suffocate. But all the air didn’t help; instead I put a hand to my throat, gasping. I felt like vomiting.

A few people were casually glancing over at my mental breakdown or panic attack or whatever it was, but thought nothing of it. Chest heaving, I managed to steal a glance at James, who was looking back at me, eyes uncertain. When I caught his eye, I couldn’t breathe. I could feel the blood drain from my face, being sucked like a vacuum, and something rose up in my throat…

My heart throbbing painfully, I sprinted out of the Great Hall to the nearest toilet, aware that all eyes were on me. I would probably have been looking at me too – the Head Girl going mad. It was quite an interesting sight…though quite mortifying for me.

But I was able to overlook the embarrassment, mainly because I spent the next ten minutes throwing my brains up. I don’t know what did it, but I didn’t think it was the food. Before I felt sick, I was thinking about how James might never leave my mind. What if, fifty years later, I was still thinking of him? What if he’d always be the one that got away? I couldn’t stand it…

I sunk down next to the toilet, hoping wholeheartedly that the floor was semi-clean. I had heard stories of the bacteria lurking on bathroom floors, and that was all I needed, to contract some disgusting disease from the loo.

My eyes stung, preparation for the tears that I was sure would follow. I waited a few minutes, but no tears came. Instead, my eyes just tingled sorely, wishing that liquid would flow.

A few hours later, sitting alone in my dorm, wondering what on earth James could be thinking of me, I decided that my vomiting was symbolic. My poetic soul figured that I was (literally) throwing away my crush on James. Although I still felt the same as before, I wouldn’t let myself think it. It was the only way I could get over him.

So the whole next day, I refrained from thinking of James at all. Well, a few slipped through the cracks, but I did a pretty good job. It was the hardest in Transfigurations, though, because right before it, I saw Anna and James hug. They were discreet, James wanting to have a normal, serious relationship, but I saw it nonetheless. I understood why no one knew; it was difficult for the Quidditch hero to have a girlfriend, so they didn’t let anyone know. I wished I didn’t know…

My insides turned to ice, and I hated him. I hated him because it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that I had to feel this miserable, and I couldn’t do a thing about it. I hated him for picking her over me, even if it was before I even noticed he was a person. I hated him because it hurt too much to love him.

Maybe you deserve this, said a small voice in the back of my mind. Now you know what it felt like for him all these years… I knew the voice was right. Maybe it was justified, but it still didn’t make me feel any better. I hated that voice of reason, just like I hated James. Stupid James, who turned out to be oh so sensitive and compassionate.

Later that day, I had Head duties. I stopped saying we, because it hadn’t been James and me for at least three weeks. I left the common room, James still at a table with his friends…not that I noticed or anything. I hated everything about him.

Wand hanging dully in my hand, I started down the corridor, turning my brain off. Patrolling alone wasn’t very entertaining; in fact, I hated it. So instead of being trapped with myself, I learned to walk numbly. It went by more quickly.

“Lily!� a voice called down the hall. My senses immediately returned, recognizing the voice as James’. I stopped instantly, body stiffening like I had been shocked. My heart skipped at the sound of his voice.

I paused for a moment, brain moving hastily, thinking how to handle the situation. I should’ve kept walking. I should’ve pretended not to hear him. I should’ve known not to let this escalate. But it was James and I couldn’t do any of those things. So I turned around to see him walking toward me rather fast. “Do you wanna patrol together tonight?� he asked rather breathlessly, finally catching up to me.

I eyed him, hoping to look skeptical. I guess I was. Why did he want to patrol? It would be unnecessarily awkward and hard for me. I needed to get over him, not become closer to him. I needed to stop feeling this way. I needed to heal!

My insides were screaming ‘yes’ though, and I knew I would succumb. But until I did, I stared at him, pretending to be making up my mind. Instead I memorized every inch of his face. I wouldn’t have many more chances…

“Err, sure,� I finally said, my heart singing in agreement. He grinned, that easy lopsided smile, and we began walking.

“So,� he started, “are you okay?�

I was caught off-guard. Why wouldn’t I be? Did he think I was lost without him or something? Because I wasn’t, not a bit.

“What do you mean?�

“I mean, you ran out of the Great Hall. Are you sick?�

“No, not really…I mean, yes! I have Dragon Pox.� What? I clapped my hand over my mouth. No, no, no! I silently moaned. Why did I say that? It wasn’t true; it just came out! What was I thinking?

James’ eyes widened. “What?� he asked slowly. The idea was clearly shocking to him. “Are you going to be alright? Did you go to the Hospital Wing?�

“No, not yet.�

“What? Are you sure? We should go! Right now!� He took hold of me and began marching me in the opposite direction.

This little lie was becoming problematic. It would take Madam Pomfrey about two minutes to tell me that I, in fact, did not have Dragon Pox. I could hear her now. Almost drowning in the lake, lying about a deadly disease, having to have James Potter keep saving you… What is wrong with you, Miss Evans? Tut, tut. You’re Head Girl; shouldn’t you be more sensible?

Of course I should! What was wrong with me? No normal person would just slip something like that out.

“I’m not sick,� I clarified simply, knowing that I had to. Why had I said it in the first place? I was digging myself too deep…

He whipped around to look at me. “But you just said…�

“It just slipped out. I’m definitely not sick. I lied, er, sorry. I’m not sure why I said that.�

He looked confused, the way I felt. “Okay. Then…why were you sick?�

I took a breath, my stomach dropping with what I was to say. I was going to tell the truth. I had to; maybe it would free me from the gloom I constantly felt.

“I…well, you see…er...� His eyes were focused strongly on me, like they could see right through me. Why were his eyes like that? “I had a panic attack,� I finally stated lamely.

“Oh, okay,� he said quietly. “This whole thing has been kind of weird. And I kind of blame myself. So…can we just forget about it?�

Relief washed over me, but something stuck. Why did he blame himself for me being loony? “Yes. Good. I’ve been kind of out of it lately. Amy said I’ve been acting neurotic. I guess it’s true.�

James laughed. “Yeah, just a little.� He placed his pointer and thumb about a centimeter away from each other. I playfully hit him on the arm, laughing, trying to act like a friend, not like someone who thought about him all the time.

“Hey, listen.� I turned to him curiously. “I’m sorry about yelling at you last time. I was out of line and I made a lot of conclusions that probably aren’t even true. All the stuff about you liking me and being angry with me for having Anna, it was all rubbish. I practically made it up. So, I’m sorry. Are we okay?�

I didn’t know how to answer that question. I could’ve said yes, smoothed it all over, said that we were fine and none of the stuff he accused me of was true, but –

“No,� I answered, hating myself for admitting it. James looked surprised at my answer.

“Why?� he finally asked, eyes trying to understand. It wasn’t going to work. I didn’t even understand.

I sighed, getting ready to dive off of the deep end into an unknown body of water. My stomach lurched forward, and I finally understood what my father had meant. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything; something was stopping me. My pride. Closing my eyes, I swallowed it.

“I-I, well, er, you really didn’t make any of that stuff up.� I took a breath, trying to be brave, trying to stop myself from bolting. “I mean, I feel horrible all the time, because I don’t want to feel like this, but… I dunno what to say. Ever since you saved me, I think about you a lot,� I finished weakly. I couldn’t believe I had actually said those things! Then again, I wasn’t really sure he could even understand what I had said. My words all ran together, and I kept stuttering unattractively.

James looked at me for a moment, at a loss for words himself. “I’m not really sure what to say, and barely sure what you said,� he spoke slowly. The truth was, I wasn’t sure either. It would have been funny if I had not been so immensely embarrassed.

“Umm, me either.� It was awkward, neither of us knowing what to say. I, Lily Evans, had just confessed my lov – feelings for James Potter. I never thought this day would come. “I guess I’ll just say that I’m happy for you and Anna, and that I’m getting over you, so I…I can’t talk to you anymore.� Maybe I was more courageous than I thought, because, looking back, I don’t know how I had the guts to say any of those things.

“So, I guess I’ll see you around,� I said, finality in my voice.

I marched down the hall, closing my eyes once my back was turned. “Lily,� he called softly.

I would have given anything to have had the strength to keep walking, but I didn’t. At the sound of my name on his tongue, I stopped stiffly, and slowly turned around to look at him.

“It hasn’t worked for me yet.�

Chapter Five: Tears and a Naked Petunia

What did he mean? It hasn’t worked for me yet. I silenced any hope that he had any inkling of interest in me. Why would he? If I were him, I wouldn’t. I was disturbed, thinking back to the conversation, which is physically difficult, since I wanted to hit myself every time I did. First of all, I made up the most bizarre lie ever. Dragon Pox? What the hell was I thinking? And then, the way I told him I liked him. I cringed every time I thought about it. It was awful, uncomfortable, and weird. None of the words came out right.

At that point, I did anything and everything in my power to avoid him. It wasn’t because I was trying to get over him, but because I was incredibly embarrassed. I could never look at him… ever again.

A week passed – a week of keeping away from James, which meant skipping the Quidditch game against Slytherin. I spent all of my time in my dorm, enduring questioning from Amy, Kara, and all of my other friends.

“Why aren’t you going to the game?�

“Why are you avoiding Potter?�

“Are you sick? You look ill! You better go see Madam Pomfrey.�

“What’s going on with you lately?�

By early the next week, I was doing my best to avoid everyone. No one would leave me alone; even Sirius Black took to asking. “You and James are both acting funny. What’s going on?�

That’s when I knew that I had really made a fool out of myself. James hadn’t even told Sirius, his best friend in the world. The whole thing must’ve really been too terrible for words. Maybe he was too embarrassed to tell Sirius that someone like me had a crush on him. He’d probably undergo endless taunting. That lunatic has a crush on you?

I would never understand how people could confess his or her love for another. How can someone just come out and say things like that, no fear and no shame? It didn’t make sense to me. I wasn’t sure how I could ever be in the same room with James again. It was too humiliating.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have much of a choice. A few days later, Professor Dumbledore called me down to his office. I wasn’t really sure why, but I hoped it was something good. I could have really used some good news.

I made my way to his office, both curious and apprehensive. When I reached the stone gargoyle, I gave the correct password and traveled up the stairs. I raised my hand to knock on the door, but before it hit the wood even once, Professor Dumbledore called out, “Enter.� He really was good…

I opened the door and walked into the familiar office of the headmaster. “Hello,� I said, more pleasantly than I felt.

“Ah, Ms Evans. How are you?� Professor Dumbledore asked from his desk. I slapped on a false smile, eyes greeting Dumbledore politely.

“Quite well, thank you, Professor,� I put forth cheerfully. “How are you?�

Dumbledore smiled, “Very well, thank you. Mr. Potter was just telling me how everything is going.� At the mention of James’ name, my blood ran cold, my heart sure to stop. Quickly, I whipped around to see James sitting in one of the chairs.

“Hi James,� I said quickly, turning back to Dumbledore, my face turning crimson. It was the first time I had addressed him since admitting my feelings. He looked just as uncomfortable.

“Please, Lily, take a seat.� Dumbledore waved me into the seat next to James.

“You may both be wondering why I called you down.� I nodded vigorously, hoping it was almost over. “Nothing as exciting as you may have hoped. I merely wanted to check in, see how everything was going. I know you two have had a rocky start.�

“What do you mean, Professor?� James quickly cut in. “Lily and I have worked very hard since the beginning,� he defended. I felt a surge of something in my chest.

Dumbledore smiled serenely. “I didn’t mean since the beginning of this year. I meant since the beginning of Hogwarts. You two haven’t always gotten along. In fact,� he chuckled, “I recall some very vicious fights.� His eyes flashed to me, and I blushed a little bit. “I wanted to commend you two for putting the past behind you and working together. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.�

James shrugged. “Lily’s quite easy to get along with. Most of the fighting before was my fault.� How I lov—liked James…

“That’s not true. Most of it was my fault. I just never understood him before,� I interjected quickly, flushing even deeper when I realized what I had said.

“And you have a better understanding now, Ms Evans?� Dumbledore prodded carefully. What was the point of these questions? I didn’t want to answer. I hadn’t even meant to say that!

“Yes,� I said promptly. “I’m living what he did for a long time, and I now know why he did what he did.� And it was true. I never realized how hard it was to get someone’s attention. Here was James with Anna, never thinking about me. That’s what it must have been like for him. A huge chunk of the time he had liked me, I had had a boyfriend. He had done all that stupid stuff in front of me to get my attention.

James turned to me, and looked into my eyes. I immediately looked away, still mortified that he knew I liked him. I had too much pride to be able to face him.

“And you, James?�

“I guess so. I like to think that I understand Lily…�

“Well, good. And Head duties are going well?� We both nodded. “Good.� He laced his fingers together. “I guess we’re done. Everything seems to be running smoothly.� I jumped out of my chair as if it were on fire.

We were almost at the door when Dumbledore looked up. “One more thing.� We both turned around. “I’d like you to inform the prefects, staff, and students that the lake is off limits for skating without a spell to thicken the ice being performed. And I’d like you to do it together.�

I couldn’t help but redden a little bit. So Dumbledore knew that James had saved my life, making me feel worse. I didn’t understand what the point of the meeting was, but Dumbledore never really said anything straight out. All I knew was that now I had to spend more time with James, something I wasn’t looking forward to…

The halls were empty as we walked back from Dumbledore’s office. I wanted nothing more than to run. Run in any direction I could, just try to get away from that feeling, and the overwhelming discomfort of the situation.

“Are you going to dinner?� he asked me hesitantly.

“Um, no, I don’t think so. I’m not really hungry,� I answered honestly.

“Me either.� He sighed. “This is awkward, huh?�

“Uh-huh,� I responded, my eyes looking anywhere except at him.

“I wish it wasn’t.� I could hear disappointment in his voice and reluctantly looked at him. He was frowning.

“It’ll probably blow over,� I mumbled, knowing that it wouldn’t ever on my side. As long as I liked him, I could never talk to him without a pain constricting my throat.

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you,� he said, looking into my eyes. I took in his features for the millionth time. He was so different from when I first met him. Even then, his head had been a little too big for his body. He had been scrawny, and much too confident. Thinking back, I almost wanted to smile. Every time he saw me in the hall, or any other pretty girl, he would puff out his chest, and almost march.

In second year, he was still small and light, perfect for the position of Seeker, but James never did anything anyone expected. He tried out for Chaser, and by third year, was the best one at Hogwarts. Everyone figured the only reason he tried out for Chaser was because no one expected it, but I heard him talking to Remus. He said it was because he never liked Seeking much, because Chasing made him feel like part of the team much more than being a Seeker ever would, and he liked that. I should have realized that I loved him when I overheard that conversation.

“Really?� I asked surprised, momentarily forgetting about everything – my embarrassment, his girlfriend. My face brightened. “What about?� My voice feigned coolness. In reality, my insides were jumping eagerly. He wanted to talk to me!

“My grandfather is in the hospital, and I dunno, I’ve been thinking of you lately. I thought you’d understand.� I would have been elated that he was thinking of me, but I couldn’t feel happy. There was a sorrow in his eyes, and that prevented me from feeling anything but despair. Maybe I was over him, and that’s why I wasn’t happy.

No. That’s when it hit me. This is what it’s all about, I thought. I couldn’t feel anything because I cared more about him than myself. It didn’t matter that he had been thinking of me, because of the pain he was in. His happiness was more important.

“Is he okay? What happened?� I pushed softly, forgetting my embarrassment and patting him gently on the shoulder.

“I dunno, but the Healers don’t think he’s going to make it. He’s been really torn up over my grandmother’s death, and my mum reckons he doesn’t want to live. Well, not enough to fight.� James put his hands in his pockets. His words sunk into me.

I didn’t answer, not right away. When my grandmother passed away, I was only eight, but I remember my father telling me that the best thing you can do for another is just be there. Let them know he or she can lean on you, and that you understand, but don’t strangle them.

“Anna doesn’t really understand. I mean, I feel almost like she doesn’t know me as well as I want her to.� He ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

“And me?� I asked, unaware of doing so. He suddenly looked up at me, shrugging.

“Sometimes it’s hard to talk to my friends, we’re too close; they know me too well.�

“I know what you mean. My friends are the same way. I don’t always want to talk about everything, but they expect me to. I would just like a silent understanding.� I knew that’s what James and I had. No matter what would happen, it’d always be there.

“Yeah, that’d be nice.� He didn’t dare say that we had one. All in all, he still had a girlfriend, and he’d always be loyal James Potter. Maybe that was what I loved about him.

We made our way back to the common room, laughing and talking. I didn’t understand why it was so easy to talk to him; just like for the last six years, I never understood why it was so easy to forgive him. There was just something about him, something that prevented me from staying angry, from being uncomfortable around him for too long.

We made plans to inform teachers and students of the new rule the next day, and until then decided to go to the common room. When we got to there, Sirius beckoned James, but he shook his head and followed me to a secluded table. I couldn’t help but smile at this.

“I have a story for you.� I grinned thinking of it.

“Okay.� He smiled. “Shoot.� I could tell that he was feeling much better, as was I. One of my favorite things to do was story swap.

“When I was five, and my sister six and a half, my parents left us with a sitter one afternoon.� I couldn’t help but laugh as I began the story. “Well, she was playing a game with me and we thought that Petunia was in her room. About an hour later, there’s a knock on the door, so we answer it. There stands one our neighbors, Mrs. Cassidy, and a stark-naked Petunia.� James jaw dropped, and I giggled. “So, Petunia had been running around the neighborhood naked for the last half-hour. When my mum got home, Mrs. Cassidy spent about an hour yelling about how her son was violated. I’ve never seen my mum so angry. It’s turned into quite the story to tell at all major holidays. Petunia hates it, making it twice as fun.�

James laughed, a huge grin on my face. “And what about you? Any naked excursions?� I threw my head back and laughed.

“Loads. Most of taking place in the winter. You didn’t notice when you pulled me from the lake?� I teased.

“Oh, I just thought you were wearing a tan shirt.� We both chuckled, eyes meeting in mirth.

“Okay, your turn.�

James pondered, looking for a good story. After a moment, he grinned. His eyes were bright and happy, and mine were too. I hadn’t felt that good in a long time. I was increasingly realizing that my happiness was directly influenced by James.

“Got one! Okay, picture it, third year. Sirius, Remus, Peter, and I were still in the beginning stages of our style. We hadn’t mastered it yet, but we were getting there. Our pranks and meandering wouldn’t be perfected for about another two months. So, innocently, we were wandering the school. It may have been a tad past curfew.� I doubted that it had been a ‘tad’, but listened intently, liking the story so far.

“Well, we needed to find some information on Transfigurations for, well, a friend and it was in the Restricted Section. So we headed to the library. What I saw is something I’ll never forget.� I titled my head in wonder. What could have been so bad that it got a horrified expression like that from James?

“You know Pince, right?�

“Of course…�

“Do you know if she’s married?� I stared quizzically at him before slowly shaking my head. I had never thought to ask the librarian her marital status. “Well, we don’t think she is.�

I continued to look at him, eyebrow raised. “Why?� I finally asked.

“Well, we saw the beginning of some er, inappropriate, behavior between her and Professor Slughorn.�

“What?� I couldn’t believe it! Slughorn and Pince… That pairing made me want to puke.

He grinned at my reaction. “Did you catch my drift by inappropriate?� He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and we both roared with laughter.

“I wasn’t even there, and it sounds horrifying,� I gasped between chuckles.

“Oh, you don’t even know. We were sure that Peter was blinded.�

Merlin. I was in love with James, again. How did I let myself fall into the trap? He had a girlfriend! Yet I couldn’t walk away. I couldn’t pass up another night of conversation.

We laughed and talked, joking and teasing. The common room began to clear and the darkness of the night deepened. I was so sure I would never be able to communicate with James again, after my embarrassment, but it was so easy. He understood me, in a way that most people, not even Severus, ever did. We were alike; the same ideals, attributes, goals, and morals.

“Okay, describe yourself in one word,� James said. I loved how our conversations went from joking to serious, how either worked for us.

“One word?� I pondered, smiling a bit. “Crazy.�

“Why?� James asked softly, tilting his head slightly to the side; looking into my eyes, face very close to mine. His eyes were hypnotizing, making me feel drowsy. I couldn’t look away…

“Oh, because it’s true,� I heard myself say, unaware I was saying it, and leaning into him more than I should have.

Our faces were very close, too close.

He has a girlfriend! a voice screamed in my head. A picture of Anna flashed through my mind; a picture of Anna and James hugging…

Oh, shut up, a stronger voice ordered, as I moved to close the space between us. I was sure our lips would touch, but as I inclined further, I felt nothing but air.

I instantly snapped up. James had moved away at the last second. Anna must have been tugging at his insides.

“How would you describe yourself?� I quickly asked, wanting to change the subject. I didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed for wanting to kiss him, for being left without one. He was leaning in too, enough to lead me to believe that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same. He was just too loyal.

I breathed out. “I dunno, foolish, I guess.� A million words flickered through my mind to describe him. None included ‘foolish’ in any way, shape, or form.

“Why?� I finally asked, taking my turn to read him.

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “Because,� he gulped air in. “Because, well, you see…� His mouth opened and closed, no words coming out. “It’s harder to say than you’d think… I, well, likeyoualot.� I understood what he said, and my heart soared. He sighed. “I dunno, I always have, and being with Anna didn’t change much.�

Tears swelled up in my eyes. I didn’t even know why. I was just so happy. The only problem was Anna. I didn’t think that James would have been heartless enough to dump her for me. He wasn’t the type. And, ironically enough, I was glad that he wasn’t.

Learning and Turning


James and I didn’t part until about three o’clock in the morning. We hadn’t realized how late it was, and were shocked when finally checking. Time had just flown by, and I couldn’t believe that I had sworn I could never talk to him again. He was just so easy to talk to, to share secrets with…

Tired but happy, the happiest I had been in a long time, I headed to my dormitory. I knew that James was confused. I was too. I couldn’t help but want him to dump Anna, to confess his love for me, to never want another.

There was a bubble in my chest, and even as I lay in my bed yawning, it prevented me from sleep. My life had been hell the last few weeks. Everything had been a mess, from James to the world. People were disappearing, the papers were full of it, but in spite of it all, something was going right. James was talking to me. Even if we weren’t together, just talking to him would make me happy.

The next day, I awoke completely exhausted. Four hours were not enough for me to survive classes. Classes… I lay back down, an idea igniting in my brain. A minute later, the idea had grown, and I realized that I was violently sick. I was going to be rebellious and skip classes, or at least a few. I figured that I deserved it. And honestly, I did. I was Head Girl, and took it into consideration, but hardly ever skived off classes. I was in my seventh year and thought, if not now, then when?

When I reopened my eyes, it was about eleven. Let me tell you, it felt amazing. Just laying there, with nothing else in the world to do, was a feeling I’d never forget. I lazily stretched out and watched a few crows out of the window from my bed.

Finally, I rose and took a leisurely shower, singing softly to myself. Then, I got dressed in comfortable clothes and flopped back on my bed. I just wanted to enjoy the day; I didn’t want to think about James (though it was hard not to) or Anna, or the drama that would surely ensue. I just wanted to feel life. Maybe it’s hard to grasp, but I wanted to just enjoy living. I wanted to watch the invisible wind run by and ruffle the unprepared branches. I wanted to watch the lake, so near freezing, ripple angrily.

And I did. Well, until I got quite hungry. It hit me suddenly, a stab to my stomach. I knew that watching life would have to wait. Food had to come fast.

Smiling at the secrecy of it all, I made my way out of the dormitory and toward the common room. It was rather fun, breaking rules knowingly. I was supposed to be in class, not heading to the kitchen.

Yet, I was.

I crept out of the common room, past everyone who had a break, murmuring “hospital wing� under my breath. I never before understood what the appeal of rule breaking was. I never understood why James and Sirius did it. For this feeling, I thought, crawling through the Portrait Hole.

If only James could see me. He’d be proud. I laughed at the thought. Lily Evans skipping classes. He would never believe it.

Only if he saw it for himself…

I had the perfect idea. So I ran to the kitchens, grabbed a sandwich (that was forced into my hands) and started looking for James.

I wasn’t even sure of the exact time, so I couldn’t be positive what class he was in. I searched my mind, chewing on a chicken sandwich that was quite delicious. I estimated that I should be in Ancient Runes, which James didn’t take. I ran through his schedule, matching the ones we had together. It would put him in…Muggle Studies? His favorite class, literally.

I headed for the classroom that housed telephones and staplers and a hundred other things that were a part of me. Imagining James’ face, I knocked on the door.

As soon as the professor opened the door, my eyes roved over the students for James. And there he was, whispering something to Sirius, who was planted next to him. After a moment, he glanced up. When he saw me, he straightened up and grinned. I winked at him.

“Hello, Professor.� She was a graying witch with a kind face and sharp eyes. I found myself wondering what qualities one looks for in a Muggle Studies teacher. Was this witch Muggle-born? Did she just know a lot about Muggles? “I need James Potter for the rest of the period.� James shot me a strange look, clearly not expecting that to fall from my mouth. “We have Head business to attend to. Professor Dumbledore was supposed to send a note, but he forgot.� I gave her a nervous smile and hoped that I was a good liar. I never really lied to someone in authority before; not like this, anyhow.

After a grueling moment, where I was sure she was going to call for Professor Dumbledore, the professor gave a curt nod. “James, bring your things.�

James scrambled to collect his books and jumped out of his seat. As soon as he was near, I turned around and walked toward the door, closing my eyes and smiling. I did it!

James closed the door behind him and caught up to me. I couldn’t help but laugh. I started out with a few giggles, but after the first one escaped, they came faster and harder. After a moment, I was laughing from the bowels of my stomach, the gasping-for-breath kind of laughter. James looked at me strangely for a moment, unsure of what had just happened, but he began laughing too. I guess it really was contagious.

When the chuckles died down, I wiped my eyes. “Merlin,� I said, a few excess giggles coming out.

“So what’s this emergency, Evans?�

“Emergency?�

“Why you pulled me out of class…�

“Oh. Don’t be mad.� I glanced at him and walked along.

“I don’t like where this is going.� He let out a small, nervous laugh.

“I-I killed Anna.�

“What?�

I knocked into him with my shoulder. “You should’ve seen the look on your face!�

“Merlin, Lily. You almost gave me a heart attack!�

“I just wanted to do something, I dunno, wrong I guess. Skipping class and pulling you out, I mean. We only have a few months left, so I thought, why not? And I planned on telling you later, but I didn’t think you’d believe me. And the next thing I knew, I was knocking on the door.�

James looked down at the ground for a moment and then back at me, grinning and running a hand through his hair. “You really are something else.�

“You know, that’s what they tell me.� I did a shrug meets model pose thing, which I thought was very endearing. I was still trying to win him over, I suppose.

“So you pulled me out of my favorite class to break the rules?�

“Guess I did,� I answered simply.

James whistled, putting his hands in his pockets. “Well, I’m impressed.�

“Good,� I said, more confidently than I felt. I was weak all over. “And if you want, I can give you a private lesson in Muggle Studies. I’m not completely qualified, but my experience is satisfactory.�

“Do you have a resume?�

“Not on paper, but I was a proud Muggle for eleven years.� My hand brushed against his. He didn’t move away. And he was laughing and smiling an awful lot. Good signs? I thought so.

“Wanna go for a walk outside?� he asked. I nodded, following him out the doors into the sunshine. “You know, I have a confession to make.�

“Do you now?� A confession? I can’t say I wasn’t worried. I couldn’t handle much at that point.

He looked at the ground as he walked, not into my eyes at all. “I do like Muggle Studies now…but I really only took it, well, for you.� A little color rose in his cheeks. It was cute.

“For me?� I was honestly surprised, but pleased nevertheless.

“Well, yeah. Back in third year, I-I, you know, had a thing for you. I wanted to understand you, like Snape, and I thought that was the best way.� James practically choked on the word ‘Snape.’

I tilted my head a little, eyes urging him to look at me. He did. He looked up, eyes soft. “Bet you never thought the roles would be reversed, huh?� I asked.

“I hoped…�

“And now?�

James laughed bitterly. “Now, I dunno. I have a girlfriend.� His hands flopped in the air in frustration. “I’m a cheater.�

“No! No, you’re not. We never did anything! Unless it was with someone else…�

James shook his head, clearly thinking that I didn’t understand. Maybe I didn’t.

“I’m an emotional cheater. I’m a thought cheater, if that even makes sense. You don’t know the things I’m thinking. I can’t be around you anymore,� he said flatly. It was a shock, I had to admit. We were having such a good time, and he just had to ruin it all. I didn’t get him out of class to seduce him or anything. I just wanted to talk, to laugh, to enjoy his company.

“I – okay,� I responded, still recovering from the blow. Maybe I staggered backward or maybe my eyes betrayed my feelings, I don’t know, but his eyes softened a little.

“You know it’s not what I really want.� I blinked at him. “I mean, it may not seem like it because we keep our relationship private, but Anna and I have a connection. I really like her.�

“More than me. Got it.� I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, suddenly embarrassed and self-conscious. What was with this boy? One second he was acting like the world shone in my eyes, then the next he couldn’t see me? He talked about how he liked me forever, how he sculpted his schedule around me. Then he loved his girlfriend? He was definitely confused and dragging me along for the ride.

“Lily, it’s not like that,� he called, but I was already walking away. “Come on.� He caught up to me. “Lily, you don’t want to be the ‘other woman.’�

I whipped around to face him, eyes looking directly into his. “No, I don’t. And that’s why I am happy to stay away. I don’t chase, James. I don’t know what I have been thinking. If you don’t want me, then I don’t want you either.�

Wow. I couldn’t even believe I said that! I sounded confident, something that I didn’t feel. I liked James. I liked him even though he was choosing his girlfriend over me, even after everything that had happened. I did. But at the same time, I had lost my pride. I had lost my life. It was as if everything revolved around him for the last few weeks. And it didn’t, not really. I was a good person. I was a catch! So if he didn’t want me, that was fine. It was his loss.

“See you,� I said curtly and turned to head back to my dorm. Walking across the cold ground, I felt a little lost. I knew he had a girlfriend. I knew that he was with someone else, but I still thought that I’d win. In the back of my mind, I figured we’d get together, especially after he told me he liked me. I thought it’d all work out, somehow, someway. I was wrong.

Things weren’t really like that, I guessed.

When I was safely and securely in my dorm, I began to cry. I had been a fool. I let myself get wrapped up in James, a boy who had a girlfriend. Stupid, stupid! I thought, burying my face in a soft pillow. Merlin.

He was being ridiculous, I decided. He was being an emotional cheater? I understood that he didn’t want to cheat on his girlfriend. But I wasn’t asking him to cheat on her. I never encouraged that! And I never would! I merely told him how I felt, and if he felt the same, how was that my fault? It wasn’t. Yet he made me feel like it was. James made me feel like I was responsible for his thoughts and feelings. That wasn’t fair.

I feel almost like she doesn’t know me as well as I want her to. James was the one who said that! He was the one who said that we have a connection. Or maybe that was me… I couldn’t remember. But he definitely implied it. James made it seem as though he liked me more than Anna, and then, all of a sudden, he was in love with her?

Slowly, my tears stopped and I lifted myself up. I wasn’t going to let him make me feel bad and I certainly wasn’t going to cry over him. I was going to be the bigger person. If Anna was what he wanted, then he could have her. Who was I to get in the way? I wasn’t going to try to coerce James to dump Anna. He didn’t want to talk to me? Fine. That was his decision and I wasn’t going be the idiot who cared.

I was done with that boy. And it felt good. I had felt hopeless for so long; it felt nice to be angry. I felt like I finally had some control, some power.

Chapter Seven: Happy Endings

Later that night, Amy and I were passing through the common room on our way to dinner. I was feeling better but starving, so dinner seemed pretty reasonable. As soon as we entered the room, my eyes roved for James. It was a bit of a nasty habit, one that I couldn’t shake.

I immediately found him in the corner, talking quietly to Sirius. He looked distressed. I almost ached for him.

Sirius must have noticed me looking at them, because he said something to James, and James’ head snapped up. His face lightened and he grinned. No, James. I didn’t come to talk to you, idiot.

Embarrassed at being caught looking, I turned away.

“Lily! Lily!� he called. I didn’t look back, though. I kept walking. He said he didn’t want to talk to me. It was too late to backtrack.

***

“What’s going on with you lately?� Amy asked after we climbed through the portrait hole.

“What do you mean?� Of course I knew what she meant. I just wasn’t sure I was ready to honestly answer. Everything that happened felt like it was from another life. It just didn’t seem real.

“Come on, Lily. I feel like you’ve been somewhere else for I don’t even know how long. What’s with you and James? I know there’s something. Just tell me.�

I weighed my options. I could deny everything, tell her I’ve just been tired and lie again. Or I could come clean. I could tell her everything that happened with James. I could do what I should have done a long time ago: get some advice.

I sighed. I really just wanted to deny. In some ways, I hated sharing personal things. And I felt like what happened with James and me was very personal. So personal that I didn’t even want to face it, let alone tell people the story.

But I would have wanted any of my friends to tell me the truth. I would’ve wanted to be there for them, so I decided to give them the same privilege.

“After dinner, I’ll tell you and Kara and Mary everything,� I said submissively.

“It’s about time,� Amy said with a nod.

And I did. I started from the beginning, when James saved my life, and progressed. I told them about Anna, swearing them to secrecy. I wasn’t sure why I did. After all, James was a jerk to me. He played with my emotions, even if he didn’t mean to. I shouldn’t have been protecting his relationship. But I felt obligated to. I felt like he deserved something real, even if it wasn’t with me. I felt that I owed it to him.

I continued, telling my friends how I developed a crush on him (even though I was really head over heels). I told them how he told me he liked me, but then wanted to stay with his girlfriend. I told them everything. But it really wasn’t everything. I didn’t tell them how I was crushed, how still got butterflies when I saw him in the common room. I didn’t tell them that I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone like him again. Those thoughts were only for me. I could never have said them out loud.

“If it makes you feel any better, James looks miserable. You should see him. He’s getting what he deserves,� Kara said.

I smiled weakly. Telling the story made me feel very glum.

“You deserve better. You don’t need that prat,� Amy assured.

My gaze trailed to each of my friends, their faces all equally eager to comfort. I didn’t want their comfort, though. I didn’t want any of it. I wanted James. I still wanted James. It was pathetic, but it was true. Maybe I’d want him forever. Maybe, ten years later, I’d still be wondering about him, wondering how different my life would have been if he chose me over Anna. Maybe, when I was eighty and dying, my last thoughts would be of him, how he was the love of my life.

Merlin. Those thoughts were depressing.

I was just so torn. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be the girl I always was – willful and independent. I didn’t want him to beat me. I didn’t want anyone to beat me. But at the same time, I just wanted to sulk. I wanted to be the girl that got dumped, or whatever I was. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to be broken for a little while.

I sighed, wishing that I hadn’t told the story, wishing I could have kept the whole ordeal to myself for a bit longer.

“I’m going to take a walk,� I finally said after a moment. I slipped on my cloak and shoes and left. I needed to be by myself after all.

I followed the twists and turns of the corridors, unsure of my destiny. I let my mind rest and allowed my feet carry me.

I ended up in front of an abandoned classroom where Severus and I used to meet. I hadn’t thought about the room in months.

I pushed the door open. There were desks and chairs piled on top of one another on one side of the room, a chalkboard and space on the other. It looked just like it did when I used to meet Severus. I guessed some things never changed. Only the people in the scenes did.

I walked around the dusty room, a flood of memories filling me. Severus and I had kissed in this old classroom. It was Valentine’s Day of our first year. I told him I had a present for him, and pecked him on the lips. I can still remember how his skin tinged pink.

I found myself smiling at the memory. After all the bad that had happened between us, I still had those memories of him, of the way he used to be. I kept them close to my heart.

I remembered countless meetings, talking about everything from home to Quidditch to the meaning of life. I remembered promising that we’d always be friends. And as my mind traveled through the years, I remembered arguments and angry words. I remembered laughing as we reconciled and long conversations about our futures. I didn’t think I ever imagined they wouldn’t be intertwined. Not until later, at least.

Those thoughts of Severus filled me with a nostalgic ache.

As I fingered a stain from a potion we had worked on years ago, I jumped at a sound behind me.

Pulling out my wand, I turned around. I couldn’t make out a face, but I recognized the shadow as Severus’. Funny how after so long, I still remembered little things about him.

“Who is that?� he called out, lighting his wand in the dark classroom.

I didn’t answer, for the light revealed my identity.

“Lily?� His voice was unsure, surprised.

“Yes. It’s me.�

He walked into the room, examining me as if he hadn’t seen me in years. His eyes were suspicious. “What are you doing here?� he spat.

“Oh, shove it, Severus. What are you doing here?�

This caught him off guard. Yes, Severus. I do talk to you the way you deserve to be spoken to, I thought bitterly. All my feelings of wistfulness seemed to have been wiped away.

“I asked you first.�

I rolled my eyes. That wasn’t even a real response. “I was just walking and came upon it. I haven’t been here in over a year.�

I shoved my wand back into my pocket. I wouldn’t need it. As terrible as Severus was, he wouldn’t harm me. I was sure of that.

“I – me too.�

I raised an eyebrow. “You’re lying.� I hopped on a desk.

He shrugged. “Fine. I come here sometimes, to think.� Or to remember? I found myself wondering.

I nodded. “How have you been?�

“All right.�

“Same.�

It was awkward, but I expected as much. It was our first real conversation since we fell apart at the end of fifth year. I couldn’t believe it had been so long. It felt like yesterday we were sitting on the train, going to Hogwarts for the first time.

“I miss you sometimes,� Severus said suddenly. He hadn’t ever been one to tell anyone his feelings, not even me, so his words took me by surprise.

I looked down, avoiding his gaze, unsure how to respond.

“Me too,� I answered after a moment. And I did. Every once in a while, I’d remember some joke we shared, and I’d want to laugh with him. Or something would happen and I’d want to talk to him, to tell him about it. Or I’d see him looking sad, and I’d want to ask him about it. I knew that I would understand, more than anyone else. I knew that I could have made him feel better. “But I don’t regret what happened.� I knew this probably hurt him. “I’m sorry.�

“Me too.�

I nodded. “Sev.� He looked up hopefully. “I’m just sorry the way it all ended. I was really angry…at you. You disappointed me, and I was hurt. But I should have tied things up better, I guess. You deserved that.�

He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it. No words were really fitting.

“I’m going to go,� I said softly, sliding off the desk. Severus looked at me, as if he wanted to say something, as if he wanted to stop me.

But he didn’t. “Bye,� he merely said as I walked out of the door.

***

I continued to walk around, but my thoughts were suddenly transitioned from James to Severus. It was good for me, though. It reminded me that there was life outside of James. Hearts still beat and the world still revolved.

My legs took me around the castle as I wondered about Severus, wishing that things had ended differently. In a way, I was glad to be rid of him. I was finally able to live my life the way I wanted to. I didn’t have to listen to his negativity, to his opinions, to his jealousy. So I never looked back, not really.

And I felt bad about it. I felt bad about leaving him behind while I moved on. Still, I had to do what was best for me. I couldn’t have looked back, because if I did, I would have turned around for him. Nothing would have changed.

I needed that change.

My mind kept drifting, until something made me stop cold. My heart rose to my throat and I was sure I would throw up.

James. And Anna.

They were kissing – right in the hallway. I assumed that they were taking their relationship public with me out of their way.

I wanted to sprint out of my skin. I wanted to erase the memory from my mind. I wanted to believe that James could still fancy me. I wanted to be anywhere else on earth. But I was frozen. I couldn’t move; I couldn’t breathe. And I couldn’t stop looking.

I didn’t regain control of my legs until after James spotted me. That’s when I ran for it.

I ran until I was winded, until my legs felt like they were going to fall off. I ran until James and Anna were far behind. It felt good.

When I reached the lake, I collapsed. The earth was thawing, so the ground was soft and wet against my body. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of dirt under me. I didn’t know how long I laid there, the faint sunshine warming my face. It could have been minutes or hours. I neither knew nor cared. It made me feel better.

“Hey.� There was a tap on my foot. “Lily.�

I slowly opened both eyes and sat up. There was James, sitting by my feet.

“What?� I groaned. I didn’t want to deal with him anymore. “Shouldn’t you be kissing Anna or something? Celebrating your new public relationship?�

James gave me a strange look. “We broke up.� He plucked a blade of grass and began to shred it solemnly.

“Sorry,� I mumbled, although I really wasn’t. “What happened?� I figured it’d be best to play it cool. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, although they were already through the roof.

“I dunno. We were really happy for a while, but we’re not right.�

“Why?� I tilted my head, playing the curious friend role. He ate it right up.

He looked at me for a moment, eyes examining every centimeter of my face. “You know why.� Something about the way he said this made the hairs on my arms stand up.

“Remind me.�

“Welllll.� He moved a little bit closer, lifting up my legs and putting them on his lap. “There’s this girl who I’m kinda crazy about. Anna can’t really compare to that.�

I smiled. “What’s this girl like?� I played into his game.

“She’s pretty beautiful, especially in the mud.� He reached out and tucked a piece of my matted hair behind my ear. “She thinks she’s crazy, and I think she might be right. And she makes me laugh. I could talk to her all night, and I have a few times.� His fingertips brushed over my cheeks, and he leaned in. “I was kind of a jerk though, and I’m not sure if she’ll forgive me.�

I was leaning in too, my hands exploring his face. “If I recall, she owes you. You did save her life.�

James laughed lightly. “From an uncertain drowning in an icy lake, I recall.�

I grinned, wondering if this was what some people waited their whole lives for. I couldn’t help but think it was. I had found it. I was lucky.

Sitting there with James was the end, I was sure. After all the craziness and crisis, it all paid off. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and this was it. This was my happy ending.

While I contemplated all of this, James leaned in and his lips gently brushed mine. Sparks flew.

“I don’t want to rush into anything,� he said firmly. “But I’m yours.� I smiled. I smiled because it was really happening. James and I were really sitting together, on the outskirts of forever, both free to be with each other. It was the best feeling in the world, almost unreal.

And to think, I could have missed it. My stubbornness, my pride, all of it, had been blocking my happiness. Not anymore.

I hated to be the boyfriend stealer. It wasn’t like me, and I was sorry. But, as I kissed James in the mud that day, I reckoned that I’d marry him. It only made sense. I couldn’t steal him away from his girlfriend without a serious commitment! Plus, my father loved being right, so marriage seemed vital to his happiness.

(Our baby is due in August.)