I dedicate this story (*groan from reader*) to my best friend Emily, who came up with the Bellatrix/Lockhart romance lot line. See, that was short. Read on...



My name is Bellatrix Lestrange, and I must write in this diary. It all began when my parents brainwashed me with all this pureblood nonsense. Of course, I didn’t see it as nonsense until I realized I was one of the few on the Dark Side that actually cared about being pureblood. It was all about power, and those too weak to stop us.

I met my husband when I was eleven. He was fourteen. It was at Hogwarts. When I graduated Hogwarts with his stupid, malleable brother, Rabastan, Rodolphus asked us and some other, less important people to join a group of people who practiced Dark Magic. Of course, I was never dim-witted, quite the contrary, and I knew full well that powerful Dark Wizards had always been considered sexy. So of course I went.

I will not deny I married Rodolphus Lestrange so that my ridiculous relatives would shut up. They kept telling me, “Bellatrix, you need to marry before you’re twenty-five, lest you become an old maid!” and nonsense like that. Rudolphus was dark featured, powerful enough to my standards, and didn’t talk very much. And he hated Muggleborns and Muggles. So, good enough, right?

I soon made contacts higher in ranks. I knew I had somehow joined the Dark Side. I fought. I killed. I tortured. I was in too deep now to ever go down another path.

It was soon that I realized the only man I would ever truly respect was Lord Voldemort. His power, his elegance, his presence…He put me into an awe I could never feel towards Rudolphus or any other man.

That was before I met…Him.

I was there when the ex-Auror Alastor “Mad-eye” Moody fired the Killing Curse at my husband. I was not upset. In fact, I secretly felt he deserved it. Never fought fairly. But it was just after that glorious moment I knew I could devote myself fully to the Dark Lord that I saw that half-blooded brat named Harry Potter defeat the man I feared and worshipped.

My mind became twisted and useless. Well, I’ll admit, it was always a bit twisted, but I became a vegetable. The Ministry of Magic apparently decided I was no longer a threat. So they sent me to this wonderful place. Everyone is so nice here. The food is awful, but I don’t need food. All I need is love. From the man six beds down from me.

For I have fallen in love with Gilderoy Lockhart.

His gorgeous golden curls, his lilac-colored pajamas, his snowy white teeth…what’s not to love? I am glad they are forcing me to put down all my thoughts! I want the world to know how I feel.

Yesterday I asked him for an autograph. He gave me one, and signed it. The ‘i’ in his first name, Gilderoy (such a beautiful name to write!), was dotted with a heart. We began passing notes. All day long we fell deeper in love with one another…until he suggested we run away together.

Tomorrow we are going to escape at lunchtime. We will elope and spend the rest of our lives together.

I hear him calling out my name in the dark. I have just responded.

“Where will we run away to?” he is asking me. Where should we run? Rome? Paris? Las Vegas? The opportunities are endless. Finally I tell him we should go to Hong Kong.

“Where to after that, my love?” he just asked.

“Wherever life may take us!” I whisper back.

“Shut up over there!” comes the voice of the mad woman across from me. Her name is Dolores Umbridge. I know her name…oh yes! She tightened the werewolf employment guidelines, didn’t she?

To the right of me, Cornelius Fudge is snoring. What are with these Ministry people? Invading my privacy?

Until tomorrow, then, diary.
~~
Dolores Umbridge was eating her lunch and waited until the nurse left to declare war.

“So,” she said sweetly to Bellatrix. “Mrs. Lestrange…”

“It’s Ms. Black, thank you,” came the cold reply.

“Whatever. Enjoying your sandwich?”

“Is that what this is?” snapped Bellatrix, indicating the lumpy white thing on her paper plate.

“Someone didn’t get enough sleep last night,” teased Dolores. “Did you and Gilderoy plan out your lives together all last night?”

Bellatrix was not a person to mess with. She leaped out of bed and prepared herself to perform some deadly wandless magic when Gilderoy suddenly said, “Bella, darling, are you going to eat that apple? Or can I have it?”

“You can have it,” she answered lovingly ran it over to him.

Gilderoy took the apple from Bellatrix and threw it at Umbridge, who was knocked unconscious.

“Good boy,” said Bellatrix to her lover.

“Let’s get out of here!” Lockhart declared. He pulled back his bed sheets, revealing jeans, leather boots, and a leather jacket.

“How are we leaving, Sweetie?” asked Bellatrix.

“Oh, I have contacts,” Lockhart bragged.

They made it out of the ward and off the floor safely, but getting out of the hospital was ridiculously difficult. Somehow, they managed it. Bellatrix marveled at Lockhart’s contacts. His smile was more effective than the Imperius Curse!

But as soon as they left through the front doors, the alarm sounded. “Ouch, the blaring noise is hurting my head,” complained Bellatrix.

Lockhart grabbed her hand and led her to a motorbike, huge, black, shiny, and familiar.“That’s my dead cousin’s bike!” said Bellatrix. “I killed him, you know. Complete idiot.”

“Yes, dear,” said Lockhart impatiently. “Get on the seat so we can GO!”

Obviously, Lockhart had no idea how to fly the thing.

“We’re going to die!” shrieked Bellatrix.

“No, we’re not. I had Gladys Gudgeon pay two-hundred galleons for this thing!” said Lockhart. “One of the lasting effects for winning Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award-”

“Five times in a row!” Bellatrix finished proudly.

~~

Harry Potter was sitting at his kitchen table with his new wife, Ginny. He picked up the Daily Prophet and his jaw dropped open at what he saw.

“I told you to stop reading that,” said Ginny. “Do they have another article on ‘How to Get A Wizard as Sexy as Harry Potter’? Or has another ‘Harry the Hearbreaker’ song appeared on Wizard Wireless?”

Harry wordlessly handed the paper to Ginny. “You know how Hagrid sold Sirius’ motorbike the other day?”

Ginny read the headlines and saw a huge picture of two deranged people flying on a motorcycle. “‘Lestrange and Lockhart escape St. Mungo’s and fly away on enchanted motorbike.’”

She looked up at Harry. “Never liked either of them. Pass the juice, please!”






Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story are mine, but JKR's.