“Remus, Remus, come back!�

Hermione’s cries were the last thing he heard as he rounded the corner into Number Twelve’s foyer, nearly blinded by anger. He crossed the hall in five quick paces and shoved the door open, stepped out onto the small square of cement that framed it, and kicked he door closed in his rage.

He paused, trying to clear his head. He’d never be able to Disapparate in this state. He took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself, and then, trying to ignore the Death Eaters staring blindly between Numbers Eleven and Thirteen, closed his eyes and turned on the spot.

He opened his eyes to find himself staring down a long, narrow country lane, and his anger returned to full measure. How dare Harry suggest that he had run away from Tonks because he was afraid or because he had wanted a bit of glory… to play the daredevil? How could Harry not see that he didn’t have a choice? He’d made a terrible mistake in marrying Tonks, in impregnating her with his child. Harry couldn’t—would never—understand the way most wizards treated him. The way their eyes would widen in fear upon realising who he was—what he was. Harry couldn’t know the worried thoughts that would replay in his head whenever he thought of his child. And he had no way of understanding the frustration Remus felt about the whole affair; his lycanthropy had robbed him of the respect of others, of finding a decent job, of any sort of normal life, and now, it had robbed him of the joy that fathers usually felt when announcing their wife’s pregnancy. All he felt was cold regret.

“I’d never have believed this. The man who taught me to fight dementors—a coward.�

Remus felt his stomach plummet several inches at the thought of these words, remembering the anger that had erupted inside of him. And yet, somewhere in the deep corners of his mind, he felt shame and the beginnings of regret: He had attacked Harry. He had attacked James’s son. But he couldn’t stop himself; it was almost as though it was James’s voice, yelling those things at him, as though they were Lily’s eyes etched with revulsion, and Sirius’s expression of mingled disbelief and disgust on Harry’s face. It was as if his three oldest friends had shouted that he was a coward… and he had lost control.

His stomach turned cold at the thought of it, but he knew Harry was right. He was a coward. There was no other name for a man who would leave his wife and unborn child.

“I’m pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren’t sticking with your own kid, actually.�

Would he have? Is that what James would have wanted? Remus remembered James talking for hours on end about his life at home with Lily and Harry, the way his eyes seemed to brighten, the way his face would flush with pride whenever he recounted Harry’s latest excursion on his toy broomstick.

Remus sighed. James would have wanted him to stay with Tonks and the baby, Harry had been right. He was so like James…

Remus tried to imagine not leaving, staying by Tonks’s side during the pregnancy. He felt as though a warm glow had settled inside of him as he pictured raising a son of his own . But it was extinguished almost at once by a vivid image; as though someone was playing a film in his mind of himself telling his faceless son that his father was a werewolf, of his son turning away in shame and fear.

Remus had reached his decision just as the Tonks’ house came into view. He couldn’t stay. He wouldn’t subject Tonks and his child to the shame or to the danger that came with living with a werewolf.

He threw open the door to the small kitchen and sat down at the square polished table, head in hands, disjointed thoughts floating in and out of his mind.

“Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world.� Minerva’s curt voice seemed to whisper in his ear. Maybe so, thought Remus, but somehow, he got the feeling Dumbledore wouldn’t be exactly thrilled to hear that he passed on his lycanthropy to an innocent child, or that he attacked his child… that he killed…

Remus knew he didn’t have a choice. He had to leave, the sooner the better. A dull question nagged him in the back of his mind: how much should he tell Tonks? He paused, lifting his head out of his tangled fingers for the first time in several minutes. Should he just pack his bag tonight and leave, telling her nothing? Or should he tell her everything, explain to her exactly why he was doing this?

For several minutes, Remus contemplated the question in complete silence. But when no solution came to him, he heaved a great sigh and left the kitchen, crossed the small sitting room, climbed the stairs, and opened the door to the room he and Tonks shared.

She was asleep in the small bed, the blankets pulled up to her chin. He could just make out the outline of her hand resting protectively on her stomach. Remus simply watched her for a moment; her vivid pink hair contrasting spectacularly with the dark blue pillowcase it lay on. He studied the way the corners of her mouth quirked upwards slightly, suggesting the smallest hint of a smile. This was what he was leaving. This was what he was running away from.

“Coward!� The angry word had exploded from his lips before he could stop it.

Tonks’s eyebrows creased and she stirred. “Dad?� she muttered, eyes closed.

Remus was in half a mind not to say anything, to hide from her, or else to pretend he was Ted, but he forced himself not to. “No, it’s me.�

Tonks’s eyes fluttered open. “Remus?� she asked, stifling a yawn. “Wotcher,� she grinned tiredly. He tried to smile back but only achieved a sort of grimace.

“Sorry I woke you,� he said quietly. “Go back to sleep.�

But Tonks didn’t seem to hear him. Her eyes were travelling from the cloak on his back to the weary look in his eyes. “Did you go somewhere?� she asked, brow furrowed.

“I—I fancied a walk,� said Remus, turning away under the pretence of hanging his thick travelling cloak in the small closet opposite the bed.

Tonks didn’t say anything, but Remus had the distinct feeling she didn’t believe a word of his feeble alibi. She seemed to waiting for him to turn around to face her before she said anything, though. He made quite a business of taking his shoes off, attempting to prolong the time before he had to look at her again.

He could feel her eyes on his back as he kicked off his shoes. Finally, Tonks seemed to tire of waiting and broke the silence. “Is something wrong?� she asked him slowly.

Remus would have liked nothing more than to be able to tell her no, nothing was wrong, and to lie down beside her and pretend the answer he had given her was true. But he knew he couldn’t. He made up his mind in a split second. He would have to tell her everything. He owed Tonks the truth.

“I can’t stay here,� he said finally. “I have to go.�

“What?� Tonks sharply. “Where? For how long?�

“I don’t know,� he said slowly. “And I’m not sure how long.�

“Why?� she asked, looking at him suspiciously. “Is it something for the Order?� It was quite clear from her tone she knew it wasn’t.

Remus sighed, looking around the room, anywhere but Tonks. “I can’t stay here,� he said again. “I’m a danger to you and especially to the baby. What if I’ve already harmed it? What if I’ve passed on my lycanthropy?�

“No,� said Tonks loudly over his words. “You promised me, Remus! You swore to me you wouldn’t do this. You promised when you married me you wouldn’t leave because you were afraid of hurting me. You promised!�

“I shouldn’t have married you at all,� said Remus through clenched teeth. “Look at what it’s caused! It was a mistake, and one I shouldn’t have made.�

“Don’t say that,� said Tonks, jumping to her feet and knocking over a vase in her haste. She paid it no attention as she continued to look at Remus.

“Sit down,� he said quietly. “You’ll hurt the baby.�

“The baby’s fine,� said Tonks. Her eyes flashed. “Though it would probably like to know why its father is leaving it!�

Remus stared at her for a moment. She was acting as though he had made this decision carelessly, as though it didn’t matter. “Because,� he said angrily, “it’s affecting you! Bellatrix is trying to kill you every opportunity she gets! And have you seen the way the rest of the world looks at you, as though you’ve committed some terrible crime? Or the way your parents cringe when they see us together? They’re ashamed, Tonks!� he yelled.

“So your solution is just to run away?� she shouted back.

“Well, I don’t see a better one presenting itself!� he roared. “I have to keep you and the baby safe,� he added in a softer tone. “I’d never forgive myself if I hurt either one of you, if I contaminated you. I could kill our child.� He could feel hot tears prickling behind his eyes, but refused to let them fall. He had to make Tonks see why he was doing this.

“No, you won’t,� said Tonks, as though simply by saying it, she and the baby were out of harm’s way. “We’re going to raise our baby together, Remus.� Her voice had a desperate edge to it. “A child needs a mother and a father.�

Remus shook his head; he wouldn’t let her talk him out of leaving. He had to do this, for her sake and for the baby’s. “No,� he said. It was taking up every ounce of resolution he possessed to keep his voice firm.

“Why?� she asked. Her voice was forceful, but there were tears shinning in her eyes.

“It would be impossible with my… condition,� he said, his teeth clenched. Why couldn’t she understand that?

Tonks suddenly looked livid. She seized the book she had been reading before she’d fallen asleep and threw it at him with all the force she could muster. “I don’t give a damn about your condition!� she shrieked. “I don’t care that you’re a werewolf!�

Remus gave a deep sigh, suddenly aware of how exhausted he was. He hid his face in his hands, unable to look at her. “I do,� he said.

“No,� said Tonks, shaking her head and looking at him disgustedly. “It’s just a cheap cover you can hide behind, because you know that if you let go of that and let someone in, you might actually feel something; that you might get hurt.� Her voice was quiet, yet seemed to carry an enormous power with it. “And that petrifies you,� she said. “Admit it. You’re terrified.�

Tonks’s words reminded him so much of Harry’s; Remus was glad he had left his wand on the kitchen table, afraid of what he might have done to her if it had been in his pocket when he reached for it.

“I’m not doing this because I’m scared!� he yelled, just as angry as she was now. “I’m doing this for you and the baby!�

“Rubbish!� she snapped. “That’s absolute rubbish, and you—�

The door burst open. It was Ted Tonks. Remus was suddenly very aware of how far their voices could carry in the quiet house. For a moment Ted looked from Remus’s face, reddened with anger, to Tonks’s tear-stained one. Then he turned back to Remus. “I want a word, son,� he said.

Remus stared at him. “Can’t it—?�

But Ted shook his head. “This can’t wait. I want to talk to you now.� The usually good-natured look on his face as replaced by an uncharacteristically stern one. “Come on, now. ’Dromeda’s waiting.�

Remus gave a defeated nod and followed him out of the door. Just as he reached hall, he looked back at Tonks, but she had turned away, wiping her eyes.

“She’ll be fine,� Ted said. “She’s tough, Dora is.�

Remus didn’t know what to say to this so he nodded again, wondering what on earth Ted wanted to talk about. How much had they heard? Was he going to tell him off for hurting Tonks, or for leaving her and the baby?

They crossed the hall to Ted and Andromeda’s room where Tonks’s mother was waiting for the two of them. She looked haughtily at him from where she sat on the bed.

“Ted and I couldn’t help but overhear your, er, conversation with Dora,� she began. “It is sufficed to say we were disturbed by what we heard.�

Remus contented himself with looking at the ground. There was a large stain shaped like a rabbit on the carpet. The tips of its ears were inches away from Remus’s feet. After a moment, Andromeda continued.

“You made a commitment to Dora when you married her. You promised her you wouldn’t run away from her, that you’d stay by her side,� said Andromeda. Remus could almost feel the heat of her eyes burning into his bowed head. “And if you intend to run away from that commitment at the first sign of trouble, I’m afraid you’re not the man I thought you were.�

“No,� said Remus harshly. “I’m a monster, aren’t I?� The resentful words had slipped out before he could stop them. His anger had reached a new peak, his resentment at Ted and Andromeda for being ashamed of him poured out of him.

Andromeda and Ted, however, were staring at him, as though struck dumb. Ted’s mouth was actually hanging open.

“What’s that?� he asked after a moment.

“I’ve seen the way you look at me,� snapped Remus. “The way you leave the room the moment I sit down at the kitchen table, and I’ve seen the way you look at Tonks! You’re ashamed of the—the thing she’s married.

Andromeda blinked. “I was under the impression Dora married a man, not a thing,� she said coolly. “One that I had hoped wouldn’t desert her and her child the moment things began to get difficult.� Her tone was more shocked than angry.

Remus opened his mouth to speak, but realized he had nothing to say to this and promptly shut it again.

“You’ve got the measure of us all wrong, son,� said Ted heavily. “We kept leaving the room because ’Dromeda said you two needed time alone to talk things out,� he said, while Andromeda nodded curtly. “Honestly, if you love Dora, you being a werewolf is the last thing on our minds.�

“I—that is hardly the point—�

“It’s high time you sorted out your priorities, Remus,� said Andromeda imperiously. “I suggest you go find Dora and the two of you figure out what ‘the point’ is.�

Her tone left no room for argument. Suddenly he was gripped with the need to make them understand exactly what he was thinking. “I really do love Dora,� he told them. “But I’ve been so irresponsible. Don’t you understand how much I could hurt her or—or the baby? The thought of it terrifies me.�

Andromeda gave him a searching look, as though willing some force to confirm his story. There was a strange expression in her eyes. It looked remarkably like understanding. Then she did something Remus would have never believed had he not been there. She stepped forward and hugged him.

“If you truly love Dora, a solution will present itself,� she assured him. “You make her happier than I’ve seen her in some time. I couldn’t be prouder of the man she chose to spend her life with,� she added as Ted nodded vigorously beside her.

Remus could hardly speak through his surprise. “Th-thanks,� he stammered. His head seemed to be spinning. Would he be able to stay with Tonks, to raise his child with her? He needed to think, badly. He needed a quiet place for his brain to process all this new information.

“Excuse me,� he said distantly as he left Ted and Andromeda’s bedroom. He felt his legs move dazedly down the hall. He descended the stairs and let himself out the back door so that he was now in the Tonks’ small garden.

The autumn chill had dulled the once-beautiful place. Roses and daisies that had bloomed in a riot of colour now lay shrivelled in their pots. Night had fallen completely now; the only light that illuminated the garden came from the windows of Tonks’s bedroom and the kitchen. He began to pace, trying to sift through his barely coherent thoughts.

Could I be sure I wouldn’t attack my child?

No, was the obvious answer. He had no way of being able to guarantee the child’s safety. He could slip up, forget to take the Wolfsbane potion one night, and possibly hurt the baby. And if it was still an infant at the time, there was a good chance he could kill his own child. His stomach seemed to turn cold at the thought. Remus knew that this was good reason to leave. The very fact he could harm his child was motive enough for him to put as much distance between himself and the baby as possible.

And yet… now that he’d allowed himself imagine raising a child with Tonks—really imagine it—now that he’d remembered how happy James had been with his family, he knew he couldn’t walk away from that picture in his mind. He wanted it more than anything else in the world. He really wanted to be a father.

It all came down to faith, really. Did he trust himself to be a good father, and trust Tonks to be a good mother? Did he trust that together, they could raise a child who wouldn’t be ashamed of his father—who was proud of him?

The answer popped into his head before he even had a chance to think about it.

Yes.

He felt almost giddy as he came back into the house and climbed the steps for the third time that night. When he entered the bedroom, he found Tonks, once more, lying on the bed; her eyes were open this time, the ceiling reflected in them. But at the sight of him, they narrowed and she turned so he was facing her back. He felt some of his blind happiness subside. He climbed into bed and lay down facing her. Except for stiffening up a bit, she gave no indication she had even realised he was next to her.

“Dora?� he said gently, placing his hand on her waist. She didn’t make any movement to make Remus remove it, but became stiffer still. “Dora?� he repeated. “Please look at me.� She didn’t move. Remus sighed. “All right,� he said heavily. “If you won’t look at me, at least promise me you’ll listen, agree?� he asked quietly. He felt Tonks nod her head against the pillow.

“I’m sorry for the things I said earlier,� he started softly. “No one knows better than I do that you don’t care about my being a werewolf. But you have to understand how much I worry that I could bite you.�

Tonks sat up, turning around to face him. Her eyes were overly bright from unshed tears but she looked at him defiantly. “Why?� she asked him. “You’re the most careful person I know. In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never slipped up.�

“I know,� he said heavily. “But I could.� Tonks opened her mouth to reply, but Remus held up a hand to silence her. “We could spend hours arguing that last point, and I’m sure we will, but that’s not what I came here to do.�

“Right,� said Tonks, her voice suddenly callous, and it was as if whatever temporary understanding that had sprang up between them was gone. Tonks was quickly regaining the cold, stiff manner she had adopted minutes before. “You’ve come here to tell me you’re leaving because you’ve got to play the damn hero.� She sounded toneless, almost defeated. “Haven’t you?� she asked. Her voice, though strong with an accusing conviction, was choked and there were tears sparkling behind her eyes. “You’ve just come to get your things, then you’ll be gone, won’t you?�

“Only if you won’t have me anymore.� He said, feeling as though a stone had dropped into his stomach at the very thought. Remus hadn’t even considered the idea that his earlier row with Tonks might have affected her just as much as it had affected him. He hadn’t even paused to think that maybe Tonks wouldn’t trust him anymore to care for her and their child.

Tonks didn’t say anything, and if it hadn’t been for the way her brow furrowed, he might have thought she hadn’t heard him at all.

“Dora, I want nothing more than to be able raise our child together,� he told her. “And though I still worry—and always will—that I might hurt you, I want this, Dora. I want it more than anything.�

Tonks’s face seemed to soften, but just a bit. She was not ready to believe him just yet. Remus couldn’t blame her. “So, you’re staying, then?� she asked, looking as though she didn’t dare believe the thing she had just said.

Remus nodded solemnly. “If you’ll have me still. But after what I almost did, I wouldn’t blame you if—� He stopped abruptly. Tonks’s lips on his shut him up quite effectively.

“Of course I’ll still have you.� She was almost laughing, giddy with relief. “You’re my husband,� she said, grinning down at the ring on her hand, “and, while you drive me up the wall with all your ‘I’m not good enough for you’ nonsense, I’m afraid I’m in love with you.�

Remus was laughing too now. And as he kissed Tonks, a thought so bright it seemed to eclipse whatever other feelings of happiness he was feeling at the moment occurred to him. “Dora, we’re going to be parents!�

He had considered the idea several times, but in an abstract sort of way, fraught with the sickening feeling of worry he had felt until so recently. Now that he had really paid it attention, said it aloud, he felt as though nothing could burst the bubble of pure happiness inside him. He hugged her tightly, trying to tell her just how pleased he was without words.

“Are we?� she asked in a voice of mock-surprise, from his shoulder. “Here I was, thinking the thing growing inside my stomach was the watermelon seed I swallowed at dinner last week!�

He laughed again, and then bent over so he was level with Tonks’s slightly swollen belly. “Hello!� he said to it, “I’m your Daddy!�

Tonks giggled and lay back down, her hands beneath her head on the pillow. When Remus followed suit a moment later, she lifted her head from her pillow and rested it on his chest.

“This is going to work,� she said happily. “I just have this feeling.�

And Remus couldn’t help but feel the same way. Here he was with Tonks, expecting their child, ready to raise it together. The life he had wanted since watching James with his own family was right in front of him, just waiting to begin. And for the first time he could remember, Remus felt just like every other man: proud that he was going to be a father.