The man with the perfectly trimmed nails and carefully styled hair flourished his peacock feather quill, crossing the ‘t’ at the end of his name. “Ah, how ravishing it looks!� he exclaimed to himself in delight, placing a beaming picture of himself on his office wall with a wave of his wand. “You are a handsome devil, aren’t you?� Chuckling to himself, he straightened his turquoise robes and patted his hair.

With a magnificently exaggerated sweep of a curtain, he entered his more private quarters, which were attached to the back of his office. “Home sweet home,� he murmured contentedly as he patted a fluffy armchair on his right. A superfluous, neatly kept bed with many pillows piled upon it flanked most of the farthest wall. More pictures of himself winked from all around.

His stomach let out a very audible gurgle and he tapped it affectionately. “Yes, to breakfast we will go,� he announced cheerfully to the smiling Lockharts gazing at him. “The first day of school demands a good start, after all!�

The Great Hall was a bustling mass of students milling about trying to find places to sit, eating, and chatting. Gilderoy loved the whole ruckus. As he strode down the house tables, he caught a few students’ eyes (all of whom were female) and waved jovially as the students giggled.

By the time he reached the staff table he was starving, but was determined to make some new friends of the Hogwarts staff. “Hello, professors!� he cried, spreading his arms wide.

They merely blinked at him (he attributed it to his unearthly beauty). Some muttered a rather stunned greeting before turning back to their breakfast, while others did not seem to take to this salutation. A particular sallow-skinned professor glowered at Gilderoy through curtains of greasy black hair. Another professor pursed her lips disapprovingly and eyed the Headmaster, who bowed his head to Gilderoy in greeting.

“How do you do, Gilderoy? I hope that your accommodations are deemed satisfactory,� Dumbledore said, eyes twinkling.

Beaming at the solitary reply, Gilderoy replied, “Of course, Headmaster. It’s a tad bit tight, but I’ve decorated it to my liking, so all is well!� Striking another smile, he spotted an empty spot and sat down.

The vacant seat happened to be between the professor who badly needed some type of hair volume product and an earthy-smelling professor (Professor Sprout, he remembered) taking off her gardening gloves. As Gilderoy tucked into his meal, he turned to the first professor. “Hello, I’m Gilderoy Lockhart. Of course, I’m sure you know that already! And you’re Professor Snape, if I’m not mistaken.� He chuckled and grinned at the professor, who did not smile back, but glared at him.

Swallowing a bit of toast, Gilderoy continued, “Your hair has incredible shine; do you use Madam Herbence’s hair care products? I’ve heard they produce stunning results.�

Professor Snape paused before answering; he seemed to be debating whether or not to answer at all. Finally, he muttered, “I can’t say that I have.� Curling his lip, he turned his head away and concentrated on some kippers on his plate.

Not a very happy bloke, is he? Gilderoy mused as he selected a piece of toast from the enormous platter before him. He decided to try the jolly-looking lady beside him.

“Absolutely spiffing day, is it not?� he asked cheerily.

The witch with the patched hat smiled and nodded. “Yes, it’s already a good start for my plants. I teach Herbology, you know.�

Gilderoy gasped in pleasant surprise. “Fascinating! If you need any help, just send for me. I’ve had quite extensive experience with all types of plants myself in my many travels.�

“Why, thank you for the offer, Gilderoy!� She picked up her fork after cleaning her hands on a napkin (which was now brown with dirt). “Actually, the Whomping Willow is in need of some mending. I would welcome your help.�

“Gilderoy Lockhart at your service!� He winked cheekily, glad that she was more affable than Snape.

A few patches of pink appeared on Professor Sprout’s cheeks. “Lovely! I think we can get a head start on it after breakfast. If we’re fast enough, I’ll have some time before my first class.�

They finished breakfast rapidly and after a brief moment (in which Gilderoy picked some sausage from between his teeth), they strode out the doors and into the greenhouses, where Professor Sprout nabbed some bandages.

“Are you sure we don’t need anything to sooth the tree before tending to it?� she inquired, looking slightly unsure of Gilderoy’s judgment. “I would think a Desensitizing Potion would work best, just as a precaution.�

Shaking his head adamantly, he confirmed his opinion. “The tree will be just fine, as long as I’m there—never fear!� His voice cracked at the end as he stared up at the gigantic tree looming above his golden halo of hair.

Beside him, Professor Sprout was shaking in nervous anticipation. He whipped out his wand confidently and levitated a bandage from her pile, then flung it at the Whomping Willow; it flung the bandage back, hitting Gilderoy in the face, which knocked him onto the ground.

“Oh dear! Professor Lockhart, are you all right?� Professor Sprout cried, dropping her pile of bandages to bend down and help the dizzy man up.

Regaining his composure, Gilderoy nodded. “Quite all right, thank you. Maybe we should try the Muggle way and use human force.�

*

Gilderoy Lockhart moseyed back to his office after the battle of the Whomping Willow, feeling his hair wilt. “I must get some curlers in it before my first class,� he thought aloud, but the clock in his office told him that his first class was expected to arrive at that very moment. Sighing, he shut his office door and prepared to greet his class.

A jostling group of sixth year Gryffindor and Slytherin students clambered into the classroom, talking loudly amongst themselves. Gilderoy took a position by the blackboard and struck what he thought was an awe-inspiring pose.

The sound of giggling of sixteen-year-old girls flitted to his ears and he tried to keep looking noble. When he received no applause (which was a disappointment, as he was expecting it), he slowly returned to a more natural pose. “Welcome, students, to your first Defense Against the Dark Arts class!� He paused dramatically, but when some students merely rolled their eyes, his smile faltered.

“I am Gilderoy Lockhart—Professor Lockhart to you, but you already know my famous name, of course. I won’t bore you with my long list of qualifications; to save time, let’s just all agree that I’m a world-famous wizard who has taken time out of his busy schedule (autograph signings and such) to teach uneducated youths such as yourselves.�

Chortling, he folded his hands in front of him. “Today I would like to do introductions.� His clear, blue eyes scanned the varying expressions (ranging from starry eyes to grimaces and rapidly fluttering eyes to—could it be—disgust?) and picked a sturdy-looking Gryffindor boy in front of him.

“What is my favorite pair of dress robes?� Gilderoy asked the student abruptly, flashing a toothy smile.

“Uhh…� The student was clearly having problems thinking. A mixture of bemusement and revulsion clouded the Gryffindor’s features; he resorted to tapping his fingers against his desk in mock concentration.

Pursing his (moisturized) lips, Gilderoy pressed, “You don’t know? Are you sure?� When the student nodded, Gilderoy sighed heavily. “What’s your name, then?�

Looking relieved that he was not punished for his lack of knowledge regarding his professor’s wardrobe, the student replied quickly, “Oliver. Oliver Wood.�

“Well, Mr. Wood, I’m expecting you to know all the colors of my robes by next class. But enough of introductions; let’s get to work!� Gilderoy turned to write on the blackboard. “By the way, my favorite pair is the lilac robes, as lilac is my favorite color.�

“Excuse me, Professor, but do you use Madam Herbence’s Shampoo?� a Slytherin girl asked in a high-pitched voice from the front row. “Your hair smells splendid.�

Turning around in mid-stroke, Gilderoy beamed at the girl. He had spotted his first fan student! “I do, as a matter of fact! Do you use it?�

She nodded. “Yes, in liberal amounts. I’m Dorothy, by the way.� Batting her eyes at him, she lightly brushed some hair from her face.

“Well, Dorothy, I’m very glad that you use Madam Herbence’s hair products, and even happier that you know I use it!� Gilderoy gave her an enormous wink before writing on the blackboard: Why do you want to learn Defence Against Dark Arts with Professor Lockhart? “Please answer this question and turn it in for grading when the class is over,� Gilderoy instructed, plopping himself lightly at his desk. “Get to it!� He clapped his hands twice and beamed all around him.

Some students (such as Dorothy) grabbed a quill and some parchment immediately, while others (Oliver included) took a considerably longer time to get their supplies out. By the time class was finished, Professor Lockhart had filed all of his nails (including his toenails) and had a new set of curlers in.

As for the assignments, the only person to get an ‘Outstanding’ was Dorothy.