The Last Goodbye
Kask

The low rattle of the wind against the window, the footsteps of lovers from the floor above, an owl in the night, or maybe just the tingle of eyes on her neck. Whatever the cause, it wasn’t the man standing in the doorway that made Lily Evans look up. The man made no noise or movement, and how he appeared was any onlooker’s guess.

Any person would have been frightened to see the man, draped in a black cloak, above her image in the mirror. To anyone else, it would have been like a scene from a horror story, not a romance gone wrong.

But Lily wasn’t the least bit afraid; she did not even jump when noticing his presence. Instead, she looked at him for a moment in the mirror, eyes shrewd and face almost unreadable.

“Always had a knack for startling others, haven’t you, Severus?� Her voice was cold and unblinking eyes still on him, but she was certainly not startled. She was completely calm, as though she had expected to see Severus Snape standing in her doorway.

He didn’t answer, but continued to look at her, like he could never look enough.

“Here to kill me, Severus?� For someone who was expecting death, Lily was very composed.

“I – no – of course not. Why would I?� he asked, startled. How could she ever think that?

“Isn’t that what you do? Kill ‘Mudbloods’?� She turned away from the mirror and stood, looking at Severus intently. He couldn’t help but stare at her. Lily’s red hair was pinned up, small curls falling near her temple and ears, looking just as lovely as he remembered. It had been a while, and even as he wished he hadn’t come, he couldn’t look away. She was going out…a green dress hung nearby…he was clearly interrupting, but didn’t care. He couldn’t care, for if interrupting meant seeing her, he would do it.

“What do you want?� she finally asked bluntly, tired of his silence. Lily didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to think about him or talk to him; she didn’t want to try to save him anymore… It was much too late; he was too late.

“I – is it true? Are you really marrying him?� He spat the words out as if they were poison, eyes looking at her, showing none of the emotion he felt.

Lily sighed, never able to get used to the feeling of Severus being an enemy, yet that was what he was. He stood for everything she was against; that everyone she loved was against. She risked her life to eliminate his ideals, to rid the world of the man he served. But there he was. Severus Snape. The boy she had known since she was a young girl, the boy who had introduced her to the wonder of magic, the boy who she had told both everything and nothing to.

“You know it is, and you know that I love him.� Her last words were soft, because Severus’ eyes, unreadable to the rest of the world, were clear to her. Past the black and coldness was heartbreak, sorrow, things that only Lily could see.

“I-I didn’t believe it when I heard.� He watched her as though he’d never see her again. He watched her the way he always did, with a hidden love, a covered longing.

“Yes, you did.� Lily took a breath, eyes straying to the pink sky beyond the window. “You’ve always known. Saying that you didn’t know would be an insult to your intelligence. As mean as he could be, Severus, you’ve always known that I fancied him. Me becoming engaged to him didn’t surprise you. You just wished it did.�

“Lily – � The word sounded eerily familiar on his tongue. “I-I don’t know what to say.�

“You never have been one with words.� She looked down sadly. “And I don’t know what to say either.�

They stood there, his eyes on her, and hers far away. Back to sunlit days at the playground, back to days sneaking through Petunia’s stuff, back to days of innocence. How different it had all been. When they were young, nothing mattered, but as they grew, they both learned of the world, how a course is always set one way or another. Severus chose one path, one that Lily couldn’t take.

“I’m sorry,� Severus finally spoke. “I didn’t mean – I never wanted you – with him.� The words were like venom on his tongue. Lily. His Lily. The girl he had found, the girl he had loved, with Potter.

It wasn’t fair. He had loved Lily first. He had been friends with her longest. She was his. She was always his.

Not always. Not now.

“I’m sorry, but you never gave me an option. You were just too… and I’m…I’m me.� There were tears coming to her eyes. They weren’t there because she ever loved Severus, not the way she loved James, but because of what she lost. What she didn’t realise she lost until that day…

He knew what she meant. She was Lily. And Lily was too good. She was too lovely, too courageous, too sweet to ever be tempted by the Dark Arts. And she was too intelligent to fall for someone who was….

Severus gave a curt nod, eyes travelling over her again. “You’re going out?� he asked.

Lily nodded, looking at him also. “It’s James’ birthday…�

“I bet he gave you a big ring? Is that why you’re marrying him?� Severus suddenly asked; his voice was bitter, more so than he had intended.

Lily was close to tears again, a small bit of makeup beginning to run.

“I-I proposed to him.� The words seemed to hurt her as much as she knew they’d hurt him. Whatever he was now, he had been her friend. He had been good to her.

This momentarily stunned Severus. Lily…proposed to Potter? He wanted to scream, wanted to rage…wanted to kill James. James, who had always had it all — all the glory, all the girlfriends, all the happiness — also got Lily. James had gotten everything that Severus never did, and now he got the only person Severus had ever loved. It wasn’t right.

But that wasn’t the worst part of it. So what if Potter always had it all? That didn’t matter. What mattered was that Lily loved him. She loved him enough to propose. She didn’t just say ‘yes’ without thinking, she went through it all. She planned it. She asked him. And she loved him more than she had ever cared for Severus, her former best friend.

And she didn’t care anymore.

What Severus did wasn’t her concern, and he could tell just by the way she looked at him. She had once tried to change him, but now, he knew that Lily had given up…that she had given up years ago. It was the same time she gave up hating Potter, gave up seeing him worse than he ever was, gave up all of the acts.

Severus opened his mouth to say something, but found no words. It was really over. For all those years, he lived loving her. He lived with some desperate hope that she’d come back to him. He lived knowing that it wouldn’t happen, but being human, always thought maybe.

But that.

That finalized it all. Lily Evans was really marrying Potter, and the world was crashing dwon on Severus Snape.

That was it.

“I never wanted this. You – hating me,� Severus choked out; voice almost a whisper. “I wanted you and me…� Tears filled his eyes, something that hadn’t happened in years. He hadn’t cried since he was five, but how could he help it? Lily was marrying Potter. Lily didn’t love him…Lily never had.

Lily looked uncomfortable, but sympathetic. “I know,� she answered awkwardly. “And I forgive you. I really do, Severus. I hold nothing that happened against you. I-I’ve moved on.�

That hurt more than if Lily had said she hated him, said she couldn’t stand to look at him, said that he needed to leave before she cursed him. It hurt because Lily only forgave him because she moved on, because she fell in love, because she just didn’t care.

“I want you to be happy.�

Severus’ eyes fell to the ground. “You didn’t look back, Lily. Not once. You said goodbye and moved on. You flourished, finally rid of me. It took me a while to realise that you weren’t sad to see our friendship end; you were relieved.� He had wanted to say these words for years. He wanted to tell her what he really thought. “You used me. You would have forgotten me earlier had our friendship not made Potter so mad. You never cared about me and you don’t want me to be happy. I hate you. I hate you.�

He didn’t care that the words coming out of his mouth were lies. He didn’t care that Lily was crying. She had hurt him and he wanted to hurt her.

“You should go, Severus. James will be here soon.�

An urge of regret swept through him as he looked into Lily’s teary green eyes.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it,� Severus said quickly.

“Goodbye.� Her voice was cold as she opened the door. Severus had no choice but to walk through it.

Lily slammed the door shut and Severus could hear her sobbing. He couldn’t leave, not with Lily crying like that. He needed to see that she was okay.

So he pressed himself against the wall in the hallway and hid in the shadows like he had so many times in the past.

James Potter walked right past him, to Lily’s door. He heard talking and laughter, something he tried to block out. He didn’t want to hear Lily’s happiness with Potter. He didn’t want to hear the life that should have been his.

Light flooded the hallway when Lily’s door was flung open. Severus blinked, preparing for what was coming. The couple emerged, walking closely together, hands intertwined. They walked right by him, not giving a second glance.

Lily looked more beautiful in the green dress than he could have imagined. Her face was glowing with happiness, so different from the tears that were running down her face a half-hour ago.

Severus wasn’t even important enough to upset her for more than a few minutes. Or maybe it was just that James was important enough to make her happy. Lovely and happy.

He watched her walk away. Walk out of his life for the second time. Only this time it was for good. She was gone and would never think of him again; never wonder if ending their friendship had been a mistake.

Severus watched Lily lean into James, watched her place a gentle hand on his neck and tenderly kiss his cheek.

“Happy Birthday, baby,� she whispered so softly that Severus had to read her lips to understand.

James smiled and wrapped an arm around her.

Yes, Severus thought, smelling Lily’s perfume and memorizing it, Potter really does get it all.