It was snowing outside, and the town was in true Christmas spirit. A few shaggy Christmas trees could be seen in some windows and soft sounds were coming from a nearby church.

There was a family in a run-down town that wasn’t rejoicing together, that wasn’t enjoying the day when everyone gave in to carefree joy and happiness of the season. With only a few days left till Christmas, a little boy was leaning on a dirty windowpane listening to his parents’ yelling. When he was younger, he would ask Santa not for presents, but for a nice family dinner and a day without fighting. His with never came true, and he had long stopped believing. Giving in to his miserable fate, he watched the snowflakes go by. They were so – fleeting, he thought. Like the happiness that enveloped the country, and like excitement on a Christmas day. He never had any of that, but there was still a glimmer of hope somewhere deep down. He always got disappointed and his hope melted away like snow did in spring.

But maybe, just maybe, this Christmas would be different. Maybe something good would happen to him at last. He almost didn’t dare to hope. He never liked it when a dream, even one so little, came crashing down around his ears. But Lily – she might remember him. She seemed to like him, and that was far more than he expected from his parents, shouting themselves hoarse in the next room.

Slap. He suppressed the urge to go to his Mom’s aid. He learned his lesson long ago; don’t meddle into things. Dad didn’t like him much more than he liked Mum.

So Severus waited for them to stop, begged for them to stop. They would stop, eventually, and Mum would heal her bruises and Dad would disappear to a bar for hours. Mum would lock herself in the bedroom and wouldn’t let Severus in. But he wanted to help and he wanted his Dad to stop, but praying just wouldn’t do the trick.

He was right, of course; he’d seen the routine so many times. As Dad stormed out of the house and Mum slammed the door shut, he blinked away his tears and anger. The house was blissfully quiet. Mum didn’t cry anymore; her tears had run out a while ago.

Having the house practically to himself, he willed himself not to feel guilty for letting down his Mum, and shuffled along to the attic. There he tenderly built his dream world back together. He hated losing it, but even more he hated living without it.

He had a nice Mum and a friendly Dad, and sometimes he had a little brother there. They lived in a nice sunny house with a big Christmas tree on Christmas, with some presents under it. No one was shouting or crying and life was good in his castle in the clouds.

One thing was the same in this excuse for existence and on his cloud. There was a girl with red hair and brilliant green eyes, smiling at him, talking to him, understanding him. Lily. When he was with her, he didn’t need his cloud anymore. He ought to thank her for that, he thought. Show how much he cared, how much he loved her, tell her about his cloud where they lived happily ever after.

He wanted to give her a gift. Somehow, he wanted for her to have something that would remind her of him, big nose and greasy hair and all. Because that didn’t matter to Lily, and strangely it didn’t matter to him when he was with her.

But what could he possibly give her? He had nothing, and anything he might have wouldn’t be enough for her. She only deserved the very best. He was used to remaining unnoticed, and didn’t mind much if kids didn’t want to play with him or if they laughed at him. But somehow he knew Lily mattered more.

He couldn’t give her the world, but he would put forth his best efforts. She was worth it.



His Mum went to Hogwarts, just like he would in the year to come. She was a Slytherin, and he was going to be one too. Maybe Lily would be his housemate – Severus was positive she was a witch, and if he wanted her in his House bad enough she might be in Slytherin too. Her eyes would mach the House colours perfectly.

The attic was his little kingdom and he was the king. Now he wandered amongst dusty boxes, sneezing here and then. He knew of a trunk with Mum’s old Hogwarts stuff; he stumbled upon it before. She wouldn’t notice a few things missing and he could use them for Lily. She mattered more than Mum anyway.

He found the trunk and pushed the lid open. His black eyes shone with triumph in the dusty dusk. It was right there, the Slytherin scarf he remembered so clearly. He took the green fabric downstairs and blinked as his eyes were blinded by winter sun.

The scarf was long and still elegant and uneaten by moths. Maybe it was magic, maybe sheer luck. Although he hated to depend on the latter.

“Alright, then, scarfy-thingy, what should I do with you, huh?� he mumbled. “Oh, great, now I’m talking to a scarf. Never mind that, Scarf.�

He grinned and twisted the shawl a bit until it was about as long as half his arm. The tassels were hanging down on one side neatly. He never was one for handiwork and he was sure this didn’t count as such. It still looked neat, though.

“Now what? If you are to resemble something, you need eyes. And maybe a neck isn’t a bad idea either, Scarf.�

He dived into search again, the most recent fight his parents had forgotten. He found an old red ribbon that was in much worse shape than the scarf, but it will surely work. He managed to tie it around the folded scarf, getting a head and a body.

“Looking more like a doll every minute, Scarf,� he said to it.

“Now, eyes maybe? I haven’t found any buttons. Will mine do?� he gestured to his over-big coat he wore at pretty much any given time.

“Alright then, you do only need two eyes, right,� Severus muttered and ripped two of the big black buttons off.

“Can’t really glue them on you, don’t you agree? Hell, now I need a needle. And thread. Perfect.�

His Mum surely had some of both. But she was probably sleeping now and he would hate to wake her. He crept into the bedroom and took the room in with one glance. Where would Mum put that kind of stuff? In the closet? Nah. Under the bed? Nope. On a bookshelf? No. Under the desk? Possibly. He went to check and found it. He tiptoed back to his scarf and set to some real work.

He had never sewn before. He saw his mother stitching up his torn and worn clothes, so he posed himself in the best imitation he could manage. After he figured out what to do with a needle, he started sewing buttons on the doll’s head. He stung himself a couple of times, and a drop of his red blood smeared the cloth.

Surprising himself, he managed – for Lily. He was even bold enough to try and stitch a friendly smile on the green head. He did – kind of. Not as satisfied with his work as he wished he would be, he sighed and returned his Mum’s sewing set back to where he found it.


It was getting late and his Dad was bound to be home soon. He carefully took his present for Lily to his small room and closed the door. He put Scarf in his bedside table drawer. Soaring back to his cloud, he fell asleep.

*****

Severus made it through the pre-Christmas days, filled with snow and joy for other people. Christmas morning wasn’t anything special, and there were no presents waiting for him under an un-existent tree. He didn’t expect any different. The part of him that still feared monsters under his bed also hoped for something different, warmer, kinder – for at least that day.

He decided not to go to Lily’s on Christmas itself. He might be wrong and maybe she didn’t care for him after all – he wouldn’t want to destroy her day. Surely she was being showered in presents right now, her green eyes bursting with happiness as her family was gathered around a tall Christmas tree. Suddenly, he wasn’t so sure of his plan anymore. She probably got a ton of nice things from her other friends – friends whom she loved, definitely more than she could ever love him. He was seriously considering abandoning his plan.

The next morning, however, he took Scarf out of his drawer even before he dressed into his day clothes. He even ran a broken comb through his lank hair. Thinking he was as ready as he could be, he set out to the snow.

It was cold outside and he wrapped his coat round himself tighter. The road to Lily’s didn’t look all that pleasant at all. Besides, he was nervous and unsure about what was waiting on its end.

Maybe I should just return back home,� he thought bitterly. But he was already closer to the Evans house than to Spinner’s end and maybe he could go inside and warm up a little when he got there. Lily was always nice to him, at least.

With the company of his own thoughts he kept walking and it seemed he arrived for his destination in no time. He looked down the street with her house at the very end. Throwing away last shreds of doubt he ignored his numb hands and feet and broke into a run, arriving at her doorstep panting for air.

Severus composed himself, straightened up and knocked on the door with more bravery than he actually felt. Lily opened the gate; first she widened her eyes in surprise, then narrowed them in worry.

“Mum, a friend of mine’s here! Can he come in? Please?� she yelled. He could hear a response coming from inside and Lily quickly pulled him in.

“Gods, Sev, you’re shivering like a twig on water,� she started as she closed the cold winter out. “Come on up, I’ll get you warm.�

She took his freezing hand in hers and led him to her room. “Here, sit down; I’ll bring some tea and cookies up, alright?� With that she left him alone, a flesh of her red hair in the doorway and a scent of her left.

She was back soon, however, carrying a tray with steaming tea and chocolate cookies. He sprang to his feet and helped her put it on her messy desk.

She poured him a cup. “What brings you here, Sev? It’s holiday time, you’re supposed to be with your family,� she asked concerned.

“I-I made – you something,� he mumbled, his face going red as to match her hair.

“For Christmas? You shouldn’t have. Did you get anything nice?� Her innocence was so pure it almost hurt him.

“I – no, my parents aren’t the richest of people,� he whispered, a shade of shame in his voice.

“Oh, Sev, I’m sorry – I didn’t mean-“ Her eyes went wide as she slapped a hand over her mouth. Then she threw herself at him and hugged him tight. He slowly relaxed in her arms and found out that he liked her warmth.

She held him like that for a while, he concluded; he couldn’t remember when he was last hugged and he certainly didn’t remember ever feeling so good and relaxed. “I’m sorry, Severus, I – you must have had a lousy Christmas,� she whispered to his hair.

She released him then, and he shivered. “I suppose I have a lousy life.� He couldn’t look her in the eye, not that angel that hugged him like that, not her to whom his poverty didn’t matter.

“Your parents – do you get along?� Lily was asking her question so carefully. She really did care.

“N-not really. I mean, they – they fight sometimes, but Lily, don’t worry about me – “

But she cut him off. “Severus, do they – hit you?� her voice was stern, but also fearful. Surely, if she knew the truth, she would abandon him – she wouldn’t want to have anything with someone who was hated so much, and if she saw that hate, she would hate him too –

But his answer and feelings must have shown, because he felt her arms around him again, and he felt her shaking with tears. She was crying for him, she loved him and she didn’t want to see him hurt – he cried too then, and he cried for his Mum and for himself, and he let out everything that he was holding inside, right there in her room on her shoulder, and she didn’t back away in disgust, she didn’t send him away, she only hugged him stronger.

His tears dried out and a weight lifted off his shoulders. Lily was still here, and her green eyes were looking into his black ones. She smiled reassuringly and no words needed saying. She was there for him.

His present seemed even more irrelevant now. She gave him the world, she gave him his cloud. He couldn’t give her anything. He couldn’t have anything worthy of her, he didn’t have anything she would want.

But it didn’t matter for her. She took his hand again and said: “Come on, let’s go to the tree. I have something for you.�

“Lily, you have no idea that you already gave me the world,� he said under his breath, not quite intending for her to hear him.

She went down to the tree regardless, and he followed. He’d do anything she asked of him.

Their tree really was quite large. Friendly lights were twinkling between the branches and there were still some colourfully wrapped presents underneath it.

“Go on, find yours,� Lily urged. He smiled and dived into a stack of presents for the first time in his life. He found a parcel with his name on it. Lily nodded and he tore the paper off it.

Out he pulled a warm-looking sweater. It was red and gold – the colours of Gryffindor, he thought, but at the same time realised that it didn’t matter, because it came from Lily and she would always be there for him, even if she was red and he was green.

With a big grin on his face he thanked her and pulled the sweater over his head. It really was warm, just as warm as her embrace was.

Then he remembered his pitiful present. “I have something for you too,� he looked to the floor again. “I-I made it myself, so it’s probably a – a bit – inappropriate…� He pulled Scarf from behind his back despite a blush creeping up his neck.

Lily squealed. “Sev, you shouldn’t have! It’s so brilliant! Did you really make it yourself?�

“Yeah – it goes with your eyes,� was all he could manage in his surprise – she actually liked Scarfy.

For the third time that day, she hugged him. He hugged her back this time, and he wanted to hold her close for all eternity. The way he felt could last forever, sweetening his life and torturing him at the same time. He didn’t know what to make of it, but right then and there he didn’t care.

Then she planted a soft kiss on his cheek. He went unnaturally hot and surely as red as a cooked lobster. He didn’t mind much, though.

“Happy Christmas, Severus – and to many more.�

“Thanks, Lily,� he whispered. She knew he wasn’t thanking just for the sweater.

****

He had buried his parents at a young age. Lily was still there, and she comforted the neglected fourteen-year-old.

But now, it was Christmas again, and no-one was there to dry his tears.

He was a man now. But he cried for all he was worth and he didn’t care, he didn’t care if anyone saw him because now it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered now that she was gone, sleeping under a thick layer of earth and snow, with James – oh, how he hated James.

She gave him the world once, and now she took his world with her, now he took her life away. He collapsed on the cold ground, shaking violently and she wasn’t there to hold him.

He remembered that first time she hugged him; he remembered the kiss on his cheek, so soft and warm. He remembered how safe she made him feel – and for what? He betrayed her, she was dead because of him. He cursed himself for what he did, he didn’t want to live knowing he could never see her again. Why did he have to fall in love with her? Nothing good came out of it, she was dead now, all because of him. If only he had told her how he felt – maybe that day after Christmas, maybe some time in school – she might save him then, like she saved him back when they were ten.

“I – I’m sorry, Lily, so sorry…� His entire body shook and he wanted to suffer for what he did. He hated himself and he hated the world and he hated Potter and he hated Voldemort. “I’ll make sure – you didn’t d-die in vain…� He trailed off. What could he possibly tell her to make his pain go away? He was as guilty of her death as Black was, if not more so.

He got up from the ground and watched the snowflakes swirl in the wind. They will all melt by spring, they will be gone… like Lily was, she melted away, her beauty and compassion and love – all that was taken away, and Severus stayed behind like a tree with no leaves, a tree naked forever.

He places a green doll with buttons for eyes beside the gravestone. “That’s for you, Lily. I’m so sorry, I never –“

He broke off and wiped his tear-stained face. He thought he felt a soft kiss on his cheek and a voice not unlike hers whisper, “It’s alright, Sev…� But he must have imagined it, she was dead, gone, buried.

“Goodbye, Lily,� he whispered to the night and walked off, his dark robes fluttering in wind, a red and gold sweater clenched in his hand.