The tall, thin man walked slowly between the spindly, barren trees of the tiny park, head bowed in thought. The day was frigid but sunny. The sharp, crisp air stung his nostrils and the morning frost crunched under his badly worn boots. However, he seemed to notice none of this; his eyes stared without focus at the frozen ground.
He also did not notice the young woman standing just feet away from him, her bubblegum-pink hair in sharp contrast to the colorless winter landscape. He puzzled her. They had been close, seemingly closer by the day as he recovered from his serious injuries with her help. But now he seemed to be drawing away, just as she felt nearer to him. “Remus?” she called quietly, oddly reluctant to disturb his thoughts.
His shoulders jerked, startled. “Tonks.” He self-consciously brushed his overgrown hair from his eyes and stood a little straighter. “I didn’t see you there.”
“I didn’t see you at the house, so I came looking for you. Wot’s up?” Something didn’t feel right.
“Just fancied a walk, I guess. Restless.” He watched her step closer to him, and as he looked down at her she saw in his eyes an odd combination of longing and “sadness. A chill tingled along her backbone. She reached for his hand, but he stepped back, out of reach. “I have to leave, very soon,” he said abruptly.
“Leave?” she parroted. “Are you sure? You aren’t completely healed.”
“Healed enough. It really doesn’t matter anyway; there is no choice.” He looked up at the sky, his blue eyes shining icily in the stark light. “In five days’ time there will be a full moon. I will transform, and I must be far away from you and your parents before that happens. Far away from everybody.” He exhaled heavily.
“Remus, that’s dangerous! With your wounds”you could start bleeding again. And if you’re alone . . .”
His smile was humorless. “I didn’t make myself clear. I will visit Severus at Hogwarts first, to get some Wolfsbane Potion, then go a remote place. The transformation will be relatively peaceful. I should be in no danger. Of course, I need to take extra care, because there are only five days until I transform, and I should have begun taking the potion two days ago. I cannot be sure it will be entirely effective.”
“You don’t have to be alone. I can go with you.”
He looked deeply into her eyes, his hands clenching into tight fists as he seemed momentarily unable to speak. Finally his fingers uncurled and she saw him take a deep breath. “No. No, that isn’t possible.” He turned his back and walked toward a bench that sat alongside the frozen pathway. Not looking back, he sat there, burying his hands in his hair and staring, unfocused, at a clump of tattered leaves on the ground. He poked at them with the scuffed toe of his boot. “I need to talk to you. That’s why I came to your parents’ house in the first place.”
“So talk.” His odd manner was making her extremely nervous. Tonks sat quickly beside him, acutely aware of his discomfort. He didn’t look at her as he spoke.
“My visit to the werewolves drove home some important truths about the reality of my situation, things I had almost let myself forget.” He sighed deeply. “I am not like you, Tonks. I am not one of you. I am one of them.”
Before she could protest, he looked up at her and gently placed a finger against her lips. “You must hear me out. This is important, and I must make you understand.” He stood abruptly, burying his hands in the pockets of his overcoat and turning to face her. “That night before I left, I was afraid, much more than I was willing to let you know. Not afraid for my safety, though that certainly was an issue, but afraid for my soul.
“I have spent my entire life trying to convince myself that my
problem was only that, that if I took care and managed it responsibly, I could be no different than any other man. It took about five minutes in the company of the werewolves to show me what a fallacy that was. I identified immediately with their suffering, their longing for a normalcy they would never experience. Their anger.” He stretched his long neck toward the sky and stared at the clouds. “I have shared their feelings my entire life, since I was old enough to understand what had happened to me. As hard as I tried to be an honorable man, I knew that in the end, as sure as the moon rises in the night, I would be an animal, a monster.”
His voice broke. “I
transformed with them! I don’t even know what horrifying things I must have done! I wake screaming in the dark, tormented by nightmares of what might have happened. What if I had bitten someone . . . what if I had been the one to bite David Corner? How could I possibly live with myself then?”
“But you didn’t!” Tonks couldn’t bear to listen to any more. “You saved him from them! You chose the man, not the wolf!”
“This time. What about the next? How can I even think about putting anyone else at risk?” Anguish distorted his thin face. “Listen to me. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. What we did that night before I left, when we were together”it was an enormous mistake. I should never have allowed it to happen.”
Tonks rose to her feet, her heart in her throat. “No, it wasn’t. You needed me, I needed you. It was just human, right?”
“Human.” Sadness seemed to darken his eyes. “Isn’t that the point? You are. I’m not.”
She stood open-mouthed, staring into his tortured face, temporarily speechless. The silence was as painful as a scream. “I can’t believe you would say such a thing,” she whispered. “You’re the kindest bloke I know. Nobody cares about other people the way you do. If that’s not human, then I don’t know wot is.”
Lupin kicked at the dirt, scowling. “You can’t pretend you haven’t noticed what happens when I’m out among people, good wizards and witches who cross the street before they will let their children come anywhere near someone like me. The moment they know what I am, they are terrified. And how can I blame them? Most of them would rather I was locked up. I can’t get a job; the Ministry is making it harder every day. What kind of life is that? I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and certainly not on someone I . . .”
“Wot? Someone you love?”
She saw the confirmation in the depths of his sad eyes, but his retort sounded angry, frustrated. “We cannot be together, Tonks. I’m too damaged, too poor, and far too . . . dangerous. I will not subject you to such a life, and I would die before I would put you at risk. When I think of what could happen--”
“You talk like I don’t have any say in it at all,” she said, determined to keep her voice steady. “You forget that taking risks is my job. You don’t scare me.”
“But I scare myself.” His expression was bleak, but determined. “There is nothing to negotiate here. Your friendship means the world to me, but it cannot advance any further. I will continue to do whatever Dumbledore asks of me for the Order. I know you and I often will be working side by side, for the same cause. But we must remain friends, no more than that.”
Tonks saw his breaths issuing as quick puffs of vapor in the freezing air. Hers felt frozen in her lungs, but she managed to maintain her composure, even as she felt her heart would burst. “All right, then. For now,” she said. “I like having you for a friend, too. I can wait, because I know you aren’t pushing me away because you don’t love me”it’s because you do. That’ll do to be getting on with.”
Lupin’s sad gaze locked with hers for a long moment. “I never wanted to hurt you. But clearly, I already have.” His eyes were unnaturally shiny in the bright sunlight. “Thank you, Tonks. For everything.” He reached toward her and took her small hand in both of his, then bent forward and touched it gently with his lips. “I’m going back to the house now to thank your parents, and then I must go,” he said, forcing a smile. “Will you walk with me?”
She swallowed the enormous lump in her throat and clasped his hand more tightly. “Yeah. Always.”
* * *
Tonks strode purposefully along the third-floor corridor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, nodding curtly to a pair of second-years as they hurried to their next class. Patrolling the halls of the school wasn’t the most exciting assignment she’d had for the Order, but she was grateful for the distraction. Her last conversation with Remus had replayed itself over and over in her head until she wanted to scream with frustration. Visions of him haunted her, and her imagination made the images so much worse. She saw him transforming, alone, in pain, torn with self-loathing. Never having seen the real thing, she didn’t even know if the truth was as grim as her visions. Or worse.
She glanced at her watch. Her shift was nearly finished. Nightfall was only a couple of hours away, and with it, moonrise”the full moon. Five days since she had last seen Remus. This was the night. But where was he?
Tonks stepped onto a moving staircase without paying much attention to where it was taking her, absorbed by her thoughts. He wouldn’t be on the school grounds. There were too many children around, too many people to be at risk if something went wrong. He would have come there to get his Wolfsbane Potion, but then, where? A distant forest? He could have left the property and Apparated anywhere.
But then an idea came to her. But no, that was too obvious, too easy to guess. It would be convenient, though. Worth investigating?
She stepped off the staircase, which had deposited her right at the entrance hall. She found herself breathing rapidly, excited. Maybe a quick visit to the kitchen, and then . . .
“Hello, Nymphadora,” called a friendly voice, and Tonks jumped, startled. Minerva McGonagall was striding toward her, her lined face smiling. “It’s good to see you. Will you be staying for dinner?”
“Wotcher, Minerva,” Tonks replied, not anxious to engage in conversation. “Can’t this time, sorry. Got an errand to run.” She hurried off down the hallway, leaving the older woman staring in confusion down the torch-lit hallway.
About an hour later, Tonks was crawling on her hands and knees down a moldy, musty-smelling passageway, her glowing wand clenched in her teeth. She had been in the cramped tunnel before, though she seemed to remember it was a little bigger”or maybe she was just smaller then. She’d had a knack for finding secret passageways out of the school grounds when she had been a student. She wondered if this one was the key to the question that was dogging her, or just a blind alley.
The tunnel suddenly became a bit wider, and inclined upward. She struggled to her feet, trying to brush some of the dirt off her robes. In the glow of her wand, she spied the outline of a room a short distance ahead, just as she remembered it. Holding her breath, she climbed the rest of the way along the path, then eased herself through the hole, trying to make as little sound as possible.
The Shrieking Shack was as dusty and dilapidated as it had been many years before, when as a student Tonks had made her way past the Whomping Willow and through the intriguing tunnel to the building that was Hogsmeade legend. It wasn’t until years later, when she began working with the Order and became friends with Remus Lupin, that she learned the creaky structure had been built for him, as a secure place for him to endure his horrifying transformations. Had he returned here now?
Tonks held her wand a bit higher, casting more light into the hallway before her. A thick layer of dust clung to everything”almost everything. There were footprints on the floor, places where the dust had been disturbed by an intruder, and recently, she thought. She crept along the hallway, following them to the stairs, and then upward. An old step groaned deafeningly under her foot, and she swore quietly. Stealth had never been her strong suit.
She reached the top of the stairs and moved onto the landing, peering down the hallway for signs of activity. A large black spider scuttled across the floor, startled by the light from her wand. About halfway down the hall, on the right, a scarred wooden door was ajar. A thin beam of light shone from inside. There was no sound.
“Nox,” she whispered, extinguishing the glowing wand as she moved to the door. She took a deep breath and touched it cautiously. It swung open noiselessly, revealing a scene that caused her eyes to widen in amazement.
Remus Lupin was sitting in a battered, straight chair in the middle of the room, his head in his hands. He had not noticed her arrival. He had removed most of his clothing, which she saw folded neatly in a stack on the bed beyond where he sat. In the dim light of the musty room, his scarred, pale skin looked almost translucent. He rubbed his eyes compulsively with his long fingers, pausing only when a sharp gust of wind outside caused the old building to groan loudly, breaking the taut silence.
He looked up wearily and froze as his gaze fell on Tonks standing in the doorway. His gaunt face twisted in anguish and despair. “No!” He stood quickly and panic reduced his voice to a strangled growl. “Go! Run!
RUN!”
Tonks opened her mouth to speak, but before she could utter a sound, she heard a spine-tingling snarl issuing from Lupin.
It’s happening, she realized. She watched, transfixed, as his face began to lengthen, as did his body. Hair sprouted everywhere. His hands shortened and became clawed paws. His mouth stretched to reveal sharp, shining fangs. He dropped onto his four legs, back arching menacingly.
She tightened her grip on her wand, praying she would not need to use it. The wolf was standing quite still, its fierce yellow eyes locked on her, a thin strand of drool dripping onto the dusty floor. Then, unexpectedly, its haunches dropped to the floor and it sat, quite placidly, though its eyes never left hers.
“All”right then,” Tonks said nervously, trying not to let her voice quake. “Don’t suppose you’re used to company, are you.” The wolf didn’t move. “You see, I thought it wasn’t right you should have to be alone all the time when you go through this. Not right at all.” She dropped to her knees and smiled weakly. “When you change, does that hurt? It looks like it does.”
The wolf blinked its yellow eyes but stayed where it was.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” She stared into the wild eyes, looking for a sign of recognition, but saw nothing but a feral wariness. “Do you know who I am?”
The creature licked its lips, its gaze narrowing, nose twitching. It looked as if it might be contemplating its next meal. Tonks gulped, but didn’t move. “Not much of a talker, are you. That’s all right. I talk enough for the both of us. Bad habit, that.” She slowly transferred her wand to her left hand, then reached into her robes with the right. She withdrew a paper-wrapped packet and held it up. “Bet you smelled this, didn’t you. I almost forgot.” She placed it on the floor and swiftly unwrapped the white paper, revealing a large chunk of raw beef. Quickly, she tossed it to the wolf’s feet. The animal looked at it, then back at her. “Nicked that from the kitchens before I came. Thought you might be a bit hungry, yeah?”
The wolf’s nostrils quivered, sniffing the meat. Then it chomped into the flesh eagerly, savoring it, but the piercing eyes remained locked on hers.
“Sorry I didn’t bring any chocolate,” she said nervously. “Heard it was bad for wolves.” Tonks settled carefully on the floor, drawing up her knees and wrapping her arms around them. She watched as the wolf finished gulping down the unexpected feast. Then it settled down too, silent but wary as ever.
Okay, she thought. “You’re not helping me out much here,” she said, her eyes narrowing and her hair glowing a slightly more electric shade of pink. “Don’t suppose you could give me a hint whether you understand anything I say.”
The wolf didn’t move.
“Right.” Tonks shifted slightly, clutching her knees a bit tighter. “Well, I’m going to pretend that you do, because I’ve got a lot on my mind, and I want you to hear it.”
She looked directly into the fierce yellow eyes. “You and me, we’re connected. I know you don’t want it to be true, but it is. It doesn’t matter if you are older, or more beat up by life, or more careful about things. You think you might hurt me, or ruin my life. You think people might treat me bad because I’m with you. But I don’t give a hippogriff’s tail about that stuff. Because I love you, and you love me. So that’s it.”
She took a deep breath and stared back at the wolf, looking for any reaction. It blinked. “You’re not denying it. That’s good, because it wouldn’t make any difference. I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I’m not watching. It’s there, whether you want it to be or not.”
“So the way I see it, when two people are meant to be together, like us, they have to share things, even hard things like what happens to you when the full moon comes up. Because that’s part of it, right? Part of what connects us. If we’re going to share the good stuff, we have to share the bad, too. So if you don’t mind, I’m just going to kip down here tonight while you sleep it off. I promise I’ll shut up so you can get some rest.”
The wolf stared back at her for a long moment, then stood up and turned in two tight circles, finally settling down, curled into a tight ball, tail draped across its gray muzzle. Two yellow eyes peered over the fluffy fur. Then it blinked, exhaled heavily, and its eyelids drooped shut.
Tonks watched the sleeping wolf for a time, her mind racing. She allowed herself to sag to the floor, curling up almost in an imitation of the wolf, staring at it. Gradually her breathing slowed, became more even, and she relaxed, letting the fatigue born of the tense situation sweep over her. Her weary eyes closed, and she slept.
* * *
For a moment, Tonks didn’t remember where she was. The building around her seemed to groan in the wind, creaking anew with every chilly gust. Her eyes flickered open, and she saw bright beams of light stabbing through the cracks between the planks covering the windows of the room. The Shrieking Shack. It was morning.
And she wasn’t alone. Sitting cross-legged on the floor just in front of her was Remus Lupin, returned to human form. He had slipped back into his trousers, but she could see a vivid cross-hatching of red scars on his parchment-white chest. She felt a wave of apprehension as her glance shifted up to his face”was he furious that she had found him? But no, he didn’t look angry, only thoughtful as he stared at her intently. “Persistent, aren’t you,” he said, the corners of his mouth twitching.
“Yeah, that’s a bad habit of mine,” she admitted self-consciously. “Did you understand any of the stuff I said to you, I mean, when you were transformed?” she blurted.
“Enough.” There was something odd about his expression, something she had not seen before. He hesitated. “It’s been a while since any of my friends have seen me like that. How was it?”
Tonks looked at him and a relieved smile spread across her face. She moved closer and wrapped her arms tightly around him. “I’ve met the wolf”and he’s no monster.”
She heard his sharp intake of breath and his embrace nearly crushed her. There were no words.