REMEMBER



The First Year





The winter solstice evokes the strife,

Of remembering those who’ve left this life,

But grief is not a merry thing,

So I come to you a wassailing.

I bring my ghostly carol forth,

To prove that Christmas is really worth,

The stress and love and memory,

Of what has been and what is to be,

And when it’s come, believe that it’s true,

I’m always watching over you.





I took one look at their still silent bodies and my whole world came crashing down right before my eyes.



Not them. Anyone but them. They were so young – so happy.



The tears fell fast and freely down the front of my black dress, as I stood beside the twin caskets at their funeral. The funeral that should have been decades in the future. I was alone. No one was left to love. I had wasted too much of my time loving, and look where it had gotten me. I felt such a hollow in my chest that I was convinced if anyone dared to knock on it, it would ring and echo for miles. My heart had turned to stone. My husband, my son-in-law, my daughter – who would be taken away from me next?



They’re smiling – and they will be for all eternity. I can’t bear to look at them – I can’t.



It was hard enough dealing with my husband’s premature death. It wasn’t fair that he had to go – it never is. Death is as flighty and unpredictable as the wind – the one thing that everyone can rely on. And up until now, the one thing that Voldemort could guarantee. Voldemort had decided all of our fates whether we were ready to go or not.



I couldn’t imagine my life without any of them, and now that they were gone I found myself wishing I had said more to them. An “I Love You� once in a while, or maybe a hug. I missed my husband’s jokes and I missed my daughter’s smile. Admittedly, I did not think Remus suitable at first – I mean, he was a werewolf – but his personality was so infectious. He was always willing to help me, and he was extraordinarily kind.



I stood up at the front of that room in my pressed, black dress bitterly wishing I was lying peacefully in a coffin next to them. The people proceeded past, occasionally acknowledging me, or offering their sympathy. Sympathy that wasn’t really welcome. Some of them had never said so much as a “Hello� to me, so why did I need them there; offering their cold hands and putting on their fake solemn faces. The steady hum of voices droned on in my head, making me feel faint. I clutched a chair, waiting for the spell to overcome me. A small cry from the front row of seats shocked the steady whirr in my ears.



Little Teddy. How could I have forgotten?



That little cry burst forth like the first hints of spring after a long, dead winter. I looked at his serene little face, tightly bundled in his blankets, as his caretaker attempted to keep him quiet.



It’s like he knows. He knows he is here to say goodbye to his parents.



I remembered the delicious moment when they first placed Teddy into his mother’s waiting arms. His eyes were tightly squeezed shut, but when he felt the warm skin of his mother’s hands, his bright little eyes opened wide, and he gave a gummy smile, his small tuft of hair changing from black to auburn.



I remembered how we had all giggled delightedly at him, saying how much he looked like a grinning, fuzzy teddy bear. The name stuck.



A solitary tear found its way out of the corner of my eye. I was tired. Tired of crying, tired of grieving, tired of everyone looking at me with that same grave look. Worse yet, it had started to rain. Rain always had the tendency of making everything look grey and mottled – dead and forgotten.



The war had made me a widow, and had taken my only daughter. But I still had that little boy.





~~~~~~~~~~~





The last dregs of fall had left the world feeling cold, and empty. The dead leaves rattled around my ankles when I went walking, and a bitter wind whipped around my neck making a perpetual buzzing noise in my ears.



That is all I hear these days – a muffled blur of the world around me. Time is moving so fast. Has it really been six months since my daughter passed? Teddy is starting to crawl now. He giggles when he scampers out of my reach, his hair changing colors in the reflected sunlight. It makes me proud that he inherited some of my daughter’s talent. He’s as loving and sweet as his father too. Every night I tuck him in to sleep and every night he nuzzles his little cheek into the crook of my neck, tugging at my sleeves with his small fists.



The first snow of the season came last night. Teddy’s face lit up as he looked through the window at the glittering ground. It is strange – sometimes when he looks at me, I swear I am looking into my daughter’s eyes.



She was so full of life – why did she have to leave me so soon? Why did she have to leave Teddy – the son she barely got to know?



Christmas is coming in little less than a week. I took Teddy to his first ever encounter with the Muggle Santa Claus. He cried a lot when I put him into the red-faced man’s lap, which caused several people to stare or stop what they were doing. Looking rather hassled, the man dumped the little guy back into my arms, muttering something about “snot-nosed kids� before putting up a warped “Back in Five Minutes� sign.



I magicked a live tree into our living room, and I had a wonderful time decorating it with Teddy. He kept trying to eat the garland, but it was memorable none the less. When I put the first present under the tree, he clapped his hands and squealed at the pretty ribbon.



Seeing him so happy made me wonder if he would have been this happy with his Mum and Dad.



Of course he would have – they are his parents after all. But he never knew his parents – they died when he was a newborn – how could he possibly remember?



A battle was raging inside my head. I wanted to believe that some part of him would remember, but could I remember my own self at his age? Surely not. Other times I see him point to the sole picture I have of his parents together and coo, drool slowly sliding down his chin. Tell me he doesn’t remember them, and then I may believe it.





~~~~~~~~~~





Before I had time to relax, Christmas Eve had come, and the streets were alight with carolers and holiday cheer. I wanted to make the night special for Teddy, seeing as it was his first Christmas, but at the same time my heart seemed to beat less and less strongly.



I feel such a weight; I fear my heart will burst. Who will be left to care for Teddy if I’m gone?



The sorrow I felt for my loss was more than I could possibly bear. My family had died and there was nothing I could do to bring them back. I was alone.



A sharp tug on my sleeve brought me out of my reverie. Teddy was looking up at me – an innocent smile on his face. I cradled him in my arms, burrowing my nose into his feathery hair, as I did every night before I tucked him into bed. The soft rhythmic beating of his heart against mine was oddly soothing.



Our Christmas tree glittered serenely in the corner of the room, twinkling as though it were a friendly guide there to protect us. The fire burned warmly in the grate, casting shadows on the stockings we had hung above it. The snow was falling thick and fast outside. As I gazed out into that breathless night, a frost seemed to come onto the window. I saw the faces of my daughter and son-in-law etched in the glass, and they were smiling. Somehow I knew they had come to me to tell me that they were okay – that they had reached that final destination that every wizard hopes to reach.



I see you, dear. Mum sees you. I assured my daughter as she winked at me. I turned my gaze towards Teddy who was sleeping contentedly in my arms. I smiled at him, turning my gaze back towards the window, but they had gone.



In that brief moment I realized something that had been previously unknown to me. And that was that I wasn’t truly alone. I still had Teddy, and that little boy that was sleeping so peacefully in my arms was the link to my lost past. That link was all I needed to continue soldiering on. My family was watching over me in everything that I did and that would have to be enough.



It didn’t matter anymore what it was that I lost. I couldn’t bring back his parents, but I could give him the same love and care that they would have bestowed on him indefinitely.



Teddy and I could hold on to each other – and remember.

The Confession


It’s been three years.

Every day I am thankful that I have Teddy. Unfortunately, my hair is steadily growing gray and I am not as quick on my feet as I used to be. The arthritis in my hip keeps acting up, and it is hard for me to keep up with a toddler.

With Nymphadora it was no problem. I could simply ask Ted to chase after her. They were better friends anyway. She didn’t care for my sisters (nor did I, now that I think of it) and I must say that kind of put a damper on our relationship – especially during family gatherings – but that doesn’t mean I loved my daughter any less or that she didn’t care for me.

Nymphadora was a bit of a rebellious youth, but not very crafty. Every time she would try to sneak out to meet her friends she’d always knock something over and I’d catch her. Needless to say she grew out of that phase. But Teddy seems to have inherited it.

He’s a devilish little chap, very tricky, just like his mother. Just the other day he ran off with my wand and insisted that he wouldn’t give it back until I said hello to “Wiggins� (Wiggins, apparently, is his imaginary friend), whereupon he would throw his little head back into a fit of giggles. He is so sincere too just like his father – he is always picking daisies out of the garden for me.

Fall came all too quickly this year, but Teddy and I still had one last hurrah before the first frost when we magicked the leaves into one huge pile for jumping. Every day we watched from the window as the wind grew colder, and swept the leaves away gradually.


~~~~~~~~~~


This winter was bitter cold, and the fierce wind made a constant whining noise through the dead tree branches – a mournful cry in the dead of night. Even the carolers decided not to sing this year and the absence of their cheerful voices only added to the miserable winter.

Three years – how could the time fly so fast? I can still hear their voices; still smell their scent on the air. I can even hear their laughter, which should have been filling the house.

Even after three years I could feel a hint of my bitterness. Even though Voldemort was dead and gone, it still wasn’t enough for me. It would never be enough. He had taken everything from me – my family, my life, everything I held dear. Teddy had helped ease my pain a great deal, but there was only so much a little boy could do.

I can remember the first night I told him about his parents. He is a clever boy, just like his father and grandfather, and he couldn’t help but notice how other kids had a “Mummy and Daddy�.

“Where’s my Mummy and Daddy, Nana?�

“They’ve gone on a trip, sweetie, a long trip that no one ever comes back from.�

“Why? Why would they go and leave me?�

I paused a moment, choosing my words carefully. Three years old is far too young to know the horrible truth, “They left you behind because they knew your Nana would take care of you. And I have, haven’t I Teddy?�

“Yes, Nana!� He cried then, wrapping his little hands around my neck, “I am glad you did not go on the trip!�

I smiled, but inside my stomach was churning. I should have gone with them. I should not be here with their son when they cannot be – it isn’t fair.


~~~~~~~~~~


Like in years past, the snow had chosen to fall fast and thick, making everything look as though a fluffy white blanket had been thrown overtop to keep the earth warm. Teddy and I had baked gingerbread cookies earlier in the day and the sweet cinnamon scent still wafted in the rafters. Everything was as pristine as it possibly could be. Magical, I thought, grinning sardonically.

I wanted to forever scorn my world and live life as a Muggle. Ted wasn’t a stranger to it – after all, he had grown up one. I knew the ways, but I didn’t want Teddy to forget who he really was. He was a wizard and there was no hiding from it. He was already beginning to display little bursts of magical ability. I saw what seclusion had done to young Potter all those years ago and I didn’t want the same thing for my grandson.

Son, Andromeda. A nasty voice echoed in my head. He is your son, now. He has no parents, remember?

I pushed the thought from my mind, and turned instead to the little boy now clinging to my leg and begging me to let him ride his new toy broomstick. He insisted on learning how to fly right then and there, but I urged him to wait until “Uncle Harry� could show him properly. I couldn’t help but feel a protective nature bubbling up inside me.

I forgot what it was like, I thought momentarily, what it was like to raise a child.

I didn’t want to be bitter – honestly, I didn’t – not for Teddy. It was the Christmas season; a time that was supposed to be happy and beautiful and spent with family. The holidays were always the most painful to me, because I could not forget the ones that I most missed. There was still an empty hollow in my heart, and that could never again be filled, no matter how hard I tried. I knew my daughter, Remus, and my husband were up there, and they were happy, but I was still miserable.

I had to put on a fake mask of happiness for Teddy every time he was around and it was taking its toll on me. When will this end? Can I ever forget? No, but I can still remember. I can still remember the good times, the happy times that ended so soon.

Everything was so frustrating to me. I couldn’t stand it. I felt such pent-up anger, like I was ready to lash out and destroy anything and everything in my path. I didn’t want Teddy to be in the line of fire – I couldn’t let him be the brunt of my rage. I needed consolation – but who was left to offer it to me?

The gravesite. How could I have forgotten? I hadn’t been there since they were committed to the ground. Hell, Teddy had been just a newborn then. I took one look at the window, which was strewn thick with snow. Could we make it there in this weather? No, not tonight. I’ll wait until morning. Christmas morning. I fell into a fitful, restless sleep.


~~~~~~~~~~


“Nana! Nana – it’s Christmas!� Teddy was jumping on my bed, his face alight with glee.

“You’re right, dear, it is Christmas.� I replied groggily.

I had been having such a lovely dream. My daughter and son-in-law were holding hands and walking through the park, my husband and I behind them. I laid my head on my husband’s shoulder, exclaiming how much of a “lovely couple� they were. My daughter turned around to smile at me – and then all went dark and I was awake.

I got up grudgingly, but Teddy was happy all the same. We made hot cocoa, and sugar cookies, and then opened the colorful gifts under the tree. He squealed with delight when he got the new play potions kit he had wanted, and even more so when he opened up a real moving model of Hogwarts.

The time drew near for us to make our way to the cemetery. I got a nervous, excited feeling that I couldn’t explain. I didn’t know why a trip to the graveyard would suddenly make me feel anxiously pleased inside. Maybe it was the hope that I could be close to my daughter again – that she would be able to hear my voice and feel my presence.


�Teddy,� I said calmly, “We’re going to go some place very special. We’re going to see something that your parents left for you.�

“For me? Like a Christmas present?� He asked innocently, grabbing his little coat from the rack, and shoving on his snow boots.

“Exactly, sweetheart. Let’s hurry so we can get back and warm our feet – it’s cold out there.�


~~~~~~~~~~


The wrought-iron fence was covered in dead, snow-covered ivy, its gnarled, twisted branches forming a blanket the entire length of the fence.

The snow was untouched, the tombstones peeking out from under their snowy caps, as we wound our way through. I remembered the place well, even though I’d only been there once before and swore then that I would never return.

The grave was pitiful to me, unkempt and untouched for years. People were supposed to visit their family’s graves – it was normal. Flowers and wreaths and little mementos were always brought.

I never did. I never brought anything to them. How could I be so selfish? All this time they were here and I never once came to see them, to talk, to tell them what was new. What was new? My life hasn’t been anything like it was three years ago.

I took Teddy’s hand and led him over to the tombstone. He wasn’t a stupid boy – he knew exactly what was before him.

“Why did we come here, Nana? Did someone die? What did Mum and Dad leave for me?�

“Yes, dear, someone did die – but now is not the time. Your Mummy and Daddy left a – a postcard of sorts – for you. They want you to know that they are okay, and someday soon, they will come for you.�

“Oh.�

I heard the disappointment in his voice. I still felt confident that he didn’t know the complete truth about his parents, but I also knew the day wouldn’t be far off when he would finally ask me about it – and I dreaded when that day would come.

I laid a bouquet of late winter flowers at the base, along with a letter that Teddy and I wrote together. I told him to run off and play for a while, and leave me to think.

I turned first to my son-in-law’s name.

Remus, I know I never treated you exactly how I should have when you were alive, but know that I really did think you right for Nymphadora in the end. You would have made an excellent father and you would be so proud at how much Teddy looks, and acts like you. Know I’m here, and I look for your guidance – I need all of you.

Next, I glanced at my husband’s name, a lump forming in my throat.

Sweetheart, I’m here. Our time spent together was brief – all too brief, but well worth it. No one could have been as happy as we were, and I’m so proud that I can say my husband died defending us all. The house is lonely without you – I’m never going to be used to it – but I will make sure and tell Teddy what a wonderful grandfather he had, and how much he loved him. It’s hard for me, really hard, to be here. I’ve been trying to hold my head up as high as I can, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep that up. I need you here with me, but since I can’t have that one Christmas wish, I’ll just have to remember you as you were. Goodbye, love.

The last name brought a deep, guttural sob out of my throat. My cheeks burned against the cold as I gazed upon my daughter’s name – my only child.

Dora, I know how you hate Nymphadora, I’m here to say I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t the world’s greatest Mum to you, but I loved you more than anything. You were my first and only daughter and there is something special that comes with that. Although I may not have told you all the time, you made me proud with everything you did. Your father and I couldn’t have been happier when you joined the Aurors, even though we knew that you were putting your life in danger. You always were willing to risk everything to help others – it was probably your best feature. Teddy remembers you both, mostly through what I tell them, and he sends his love. I’m trying Dora, I really am, to raise him as close to how you would have as possible, but I can’t help but think that one of these days he is going to leave me too. I can’t become you Dora. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you – how could I not? I guess I just want the past too much – all I want is for everything to be how it was again, but I know that it is selfish of me to think in such a way. Show me that you’re still around, Dora, and maybe I will be able to move on. I’m here if you need anything.

I called Teddy over to me, hurriedly drying my eyes, and we headed home without even a backward glance. The house was warm and inviting and I sank into an armchair immediately. Our excursion had been draining, to say the least, but I felt an odd sense of comfort to have confessed everything that had been pressing on me lately.

I was just beginning to doze off when I heard a soft knocking at the door.

Who the devil would be calling at this hour? On Christmas Day at that.

I padded over to the door and opened it up a crack. I nearly fainted onto the rug. My husband, daughter, and son-in-law were gathered on the threshold.

“Hello Mrs. Tonks, we’re your new neighbors, the Stewart’s.

I remembered that day like it was yesterday. It’s been fifteen years. The resemblance was uncanny, but I welcomed the strangers in without question. They had moved to the area from London because of “financial difficulties�, but that was no matter to me.

Barnabus, or Barney as we all called him, was a middle-aged Ministry worker – the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and ready for retirement. His young son, Silas, had just gotten married to a young school-friend of his named Mildred, and they had all moved in to a cozy cottage together in order to help care for his father.

I sat back in my chair to remember that first coming together of our families.

I had ushered them in, disbelief etched over my face. This was my family staring so happily back at me. No, your family is dead. These people just happen to look like them – it’s only a coincidence.

“Is – is there something wrong, Mrs. Tonks?� The young girl gazed at me concernedly, setting down a tin of cookies on a side table.

I felt faint, much like I had at the funeral all those years ago. They slapped me into a chair, and brought me a glass of water.

“It’s nothing. I’m sorry I’m being so silly. It’s just – you look so much like my daughter and son-in-law, Remus and Nymphadora. And you, Sir - you look so much like my husband, Ted Tonks.� I said breathlessly, holding a hand to my head.

At last, my prayers had been answered. Here were some people who I knew would take care of me. They were NOT my family, I kept convincing myself, so I mustn’t pretend as thought they were – no one could replace them, but at least I could look into their eyes and see a reflection of my past, and that was more comforting than anything.

“We’re sorry we startled yeh,� replied the elder man with a gruff voice, “I’m Barnabus Stewart, and this is me son, Silas, and ‘is wife, Millie.�

“I’m pleased to meet all of you.� I said quietly and truthfully I was.

“Where are your family members, if I may be so rude to inquire, Mrs. Tonks? I daresay I’d love to meet a man who resembles me so, as you’ve said.� asked the young man in a curious tone. He was more polished than his father, I deduced, probably the evidence of good schooling.

“They died three years ago. Voldemort.� Was all I could say. What could you say to strangers, who had no idea the pain you’d gone through, no matter how nice?

“Oh, I’m so sorry.� Replied the young man softly. I saw his wife exchange a glare with him – it looked so much like my daughter after hearing someone call her “Nymphadora� instead of her preferred name, Tonks, that a small chuckle escaped me.

“Please, take no mind to me. I’d like you to meet my grandson, Teddy.�

The holidays took on a whole new meaning after that. We took turns hosting quaint Christmas gatherings at our adjacent houses. Even though the Stewart’s could never completely fill the gap I continued to feel, I no longer felt alone.

There was completeness about them – an infectious happiness that made you want to forget every hardship you had ever faced and just live. They took every setback with a smile and roll-up of the sleeves; nothing could ever break their hold for one another.

They taught me to embrace what I had instead of dwelling on what I had lost. Sure, there would be times where I couldn’t forget, where it would be okay to be frustrated, but if I kept glancing back to the past, I would never make progress for the future.

As we gathered around the table for a large, Christmas dinner, I felt a sense of this-is-what-should-have-been. Me slaving away in the kitchen all day to have my entire family come over to enjoy it. I would have greeted little Teddy as my grandson, instead of my assumed “son�, and exclaimed how big he had gotten. I’d call Ted in from the shed, where he liked to tinker. I say to Dora and Remus of how good they were keeping up, and probably congratulate them as they prepared to welcome their second or third child into the world. That is how it should have been. Here it was fifteen odd years later and I still remembered them like they had only stepped foot in the house yesterday.

It was not meant to be, I continually reminded myself. I’d have to remember that if I ever wanted to put this whole thing behind me.

Teddy was in his sixth-year at Hogwarts. He’d been sorted into Gryffindor, like his mother, his first-year. I remember how he had written the very next day just to let me know. His second year he made the house Quidditch team – Chaser. I should have known, he was always such a good flyer. He made prefect his fifth-year, like his father before him, and I told him I couldn’t be more proud. I always knew he was a clever boy, and he surprised me by excelling in all his subjects, and receiving seven O.W.L.’s.

He tells me that young James Potter had just started school at Hogwarts, so he has been hanging around the Potter’s place more often. Its fine by me of course, the lad knew Teddy’s father well – in fact, he was more a father to Harry than he ever was to Teddy. Harry’s second son Albus is to start next year.

I never let Teddy forget his parents. I remember the day (the day I knew was inevitable) when he finally asked me about them. It was a week before he was scheduled to leave for Hogwarts and we were in Diagon Alley getting his supplies.

“Nana, you never told me when my Mum and Dad were coming back from their trip – there never coming back, are they?�

“No, dear. Your mother and father died at the hands of a madman – Voldemort. He took away many people’s loved ones, including Uncle Harry.�

He was quiet after that, and I couldn’t blame him. What I had just told him was something an eleven-year-old should never have to hear. Boys his aged were supposed to go to Quidditch matches with their dads, or listen to a bed-time story from their Mum, not visiting a lonely gravesite ever year at Christmas.

I’m sorry, honey. I know I should have told you sooner – and I admit, I could have come up with a better reason for their not being here, but I wanted to protect you.�

Teddy came back from Hogwarts for Christmas break this year, looking more and more like his father than ever. He still had the Metamorphmagic traits inherited from my daughter – but his hair was mousy-brown today, instead of the usually blue or purple.
As usual, Millie was seated in my living room, knitting a small blue sweater – the couple was expecting their eighth child. She was more lined than the young girl that had shown up on my doorstep, but she always reminded me of the daughter I had lost. Would she have been stitching her own baby clothes in that very same chair?

Barnabus came in, wrapped in heavy furs against the cold, and planted a kiss on his daughter-in-law’s cheek as she sat knitting. Would Ted have done such a thing to his own daughter had he still been alive? Would I be the elderly grandmother sitting peacefully in a chair, rocking the next grandchild to sleep, instead of what I’d become?

Stop. You can’t think like this anymore. Its past – let it go. You’ll drive yourself crazy with all this madness. It never would have been, you must believe that. They died because it was their destiny – everyone has one and you know that.

Silas appeared around dinnertime, hidden behind a large, bushy tree. I was too old now to be able to get one in myself – in fact, I felt more of my age than ever. There was a creak in my knees, and my fingers were becoming stiff. I tried brewing my self old wives’ tale potions, but they only did so much.

“Brought the tree, Mrs. Tonks, I hope you like it well enough.� He said huskily.

“It’s a lovely tree, Silas, thank you.� I said tiredly.

Teddy said then that he had decided to spend a few nights at the Potter’s house. I didn’t want to begrudge the fact that he had made some new friends at school, but I felt the protective side of me lash out.

“You’ll be back in time for Christmas, won’t you dear?� I said harshly.

“Yes, Nana, I’ll be back.�

What was I kidding myself? I couldn’t keep the lad locked up in my clutches forever. What was I going to do when Teddy left Hogwarts, and started his own life? I’d be alone again.

You won’t be alone, Andromeda. You have the Stewart’s. You have the Stewart’s and all their little ones. You can still be the grandmother to them as you never were to Teddy.

As I watched Millie stitching away in the chair across from me I realized that the cycle of life never ended. It was a continuing wheel of birth, growing up, adulthood, and death. The Stewart’s weren’t going anywhere – I knew that much. And the house would always be filled with the next generation’s children.

The loss I had suffered was just a fragment of the past now. As long as someone was left for me to love, and for someone to love me, I would never be unhappy. I could always remember.