I cried all morning. From the moment the sun greeted my eyes to the minute before the piano started my wedding march, tears trickled down my cheeks. I pressed my palms into my eyes, trying to stop the liquid from rolling down my face. But as much as I wanted to be a blushing bride rather than a crying bride, I didn’t really want the tears to stop. I wanted someone to see them. I wanted someone to say, “Lily, you don’t really want this. If you wanted this, if you really wanted this, you wouldn’t be crying.� I would shrug, crying harder, and the person would hug me. Without a blink, she’d send everyone home. She’d tell them all that her daughter wasn’t ready to get married. She would have saved me.

“What’s wrong, darling?� my father asked, his blue eyes overcome with softness.

“Nothing.� I dropped my head, hastily wiping the teardrops away. My father picked up my head, my chin in his palm.

“You look just like your mum,� he said gently, massaging my cheek with his finger. “Pretty as a picture,� he murmured. Another tear fell from my eye. “She’s here, I know she is.�

I nodded and my father pulled me into his arms. Safe, the way I always felt near him.

What I never told my father was that I wasn’t crying for my mother. I was crying because I was marrying someone that I didn’t want to marry. Someone that I didn’t love. But my mother. At his words, her face swam in my mind. I pressed my eyes shut against my father’s suit. She loved weddings. How I missed her.

“I never understood how someone could hate a wedding,� I remembered her saying, touching the fabric of her wedding dress with an idle hand. “They make the world go round. Two people deciding to spend the rest of their lives together, deciding to start a family.� She looked down at me and I knew that she was picturing my wedding day. I knew she was picturing the man that I would fall in love with, the man I would want to spend the rest of my life with. “Just think of how many more criminals there would be in the world.� At my look of confusion, she merely smiled. “There would be no wives to keep them in line.�

Oh, Mum.

“Lily,� my father whispered, “it’s time to get married. Let’s change your name.�

Lily Kathleen Evans. Lily Evans Potter. Lily Potter. Mrs. James Potter. I took a deep breath and plunged forward.

I walked down the aisle on my father’s sturdy arm. I regretted every step I took. I wanted to turn and run. You’ll never make it in those heels, a voice said into my ear. I was sure that it was my mother’s voice, so I kept walking. How had I gotten into this mess? How could I have gotten this far? I was already halfway to the altar.

The worst thing was the love on James’ face when I finally brought myself to meet his eyes. At that moment, I hated myself. I hated that he loved someone who never really loved him. I hated that I couldn’t feel the way he felt. I hated that, while this was the worst day of my life, it was the best day of his.

I hated that I couldn’t feel the way I imagined I’d feel on my wedding day. I hated my mother for not being there.

I said ‘I do’ and I kissed James Potter. I kissed him because my father loved him, because my mother had loved him. I kissed him and I threw away my chance at true love.

I kissed him because when he carried me over the threshold, I knew he’d never let me fall.

***

I made my choices and I lived with them. It was what I had to do. I couldn’t turn back time. I couldn’t do it all over.

And things moved quickly. They always seemed to. We had been married for about four months when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t tell James. I couldn’t, because I didn’t know what he would say. I guess I thought he would be happy – and I would have to have the baby.

In the end, it didn’t matter. All of the nights I laid awake tossing and turning, trying to decide whether I wanted to change my life, to have James’ baby…they didn’t matter.

I was sick. Some days I was too dizzy to climb out of bed. Others, my head was buried in the toilet. I insisted it was just a bug, promising I’d be fine. So he fed me potion, but of course, it didn’t help. He held my hair out of my face, rubbing my back, for a week. He tucked me into bed, whispering ‘I love you’ when he thought I was asleep. He took care of me, making me feel more terrible than the illness was.

Finally, sick with worry, he dragged me to St. Mungo’s. He sat in the waiting room, holding my hand tightly. I wanted to tell him, I really did. I wanted to put him out of his misery. I wanted to say that I’d be fine.

But I couldn’t. As scared as he was, I just couldn’t. I just couldn’t love him the way he loved me.

“Is she okay?� James demanded of the Healer when he called us in.

I remember the way the doctor smiled. “They’re both healthy.� He winked.

James’ eyes widened.

“Both?� he asked, astonished.

The Healer nodded. “Lily, you’re expecting.�

I sank into my chair, forcing a smile and swallowing a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Lily.� James flung his arms around me, radiating joy. “I love you.�

***

And there it was. James was ecstatic. That night, he came home with a stuffed bear for the baby. An adorable, fuzzy bear.

“It’ll be the baby’s first. Probably drool and spit up all over it, probably even try to eat it. But, Merlin, Lily. We’re having a baby!� There were tears in his eyes.

Then he kissed me. He kissed me in a way I’d never been kissed before. “I love you,� he said firmly, like it was the only thing he was certain of in the whole world.

He pushed me down into a chair, insisting that I shouldn’t be standing. He even declared that he’d make dinner, something I needed to see.

I remember watching him chop carrots, sneaking glances at me.

“What are you thinking?� I finally asked. James never asked me that. I guess he always knew.

James looked at me for a few seconds. Time seemed to stop. “So this is magic.�

All through the pregnancy, he was there. He sat with his hand on my stomach. At night, we would lie on the bed, talking about the baby, all the wonderful things he or she would do. We would talk about names and careers; we would imagine family vacations and future Christmas cards. We would dream about the baby and for the baby. James would put his head on my stomach and whisper secrets to our child. He would look at me like the sun shined in my eyes.

I was married to my best friend.

***

He’s safe. He’ll take care of me. He loves me.

That was why I married James. I married him to safeguard myself. With the War, I didn’t want to be alone.

The day Harry was born was the day I realized that I saw forever in James. The sun had never shined in my eyes. It had always been in his.

Harry was a small baby, born early. Due to stress, the Healer said. Due to Marlene’s death.

I wearily watched James cradle the tiny baby. He held him so gently, with so much love. And the way James looked at him – so tenderly, like he had the world in his arms. He loved nothing more than that baby. He loved nothing more than me.

James was so quick to love. He loved me after a day and he loved the baby after a second. Harry grew inside of me, right under my heart. I knew of his existence first, yet James had been first to love him. James had been crazy about that baby longer than I had even liked him.

“Harry James,� I murmured. I felt so much love for James, more than I had even felt for anyone, minus Harry.

I had always thought that I’d know in an instant. I thought in a second, I knew who was the one for me. But the day Harry was born, I knew that it wasn’t true.

I was in love with my husband. Deeply, madly in love with him. Harry was our son. Part of him and part of me. I wanted to cry with joy.

“Oh, Lily,� James whispered, face pale from lack of sleep and glasses crooked. “Look at him.� He kissed the top of my head as my hand reached to touch Harry’s swirl of black hair. James’ black hair.

In that moment, I felt my mother more strongly than ever. She was there, meeting Harry, helping me see James.

“He’s beautiful,� I cried, overwhelmed with happiness.

“Beautiful.� James was looking at me.

***

Sometimes I would just watch him sleep, watch his chest move up and down, watch the moonlight on his face.

“What is it?� he asked me once, worried that something had happened to Harry.

“Nothing,� I whispered. “Everything’s fine.� I touched his face and, at ease, he closed his eyes.

Smiling, I crept out of bed and padded to Harry’s room. I didn’t want to wake him, but I wanted to hold him. I wanted to feel his warmth near me. So I carefully picked him up, staring at him, letting his tiny hand wrap around my finger.

“Harry,� I murmured, rocking his sleeping form. “I love you, baby.� I yawned. “Sweet, little baby.�

I stroked his soft cheek. He was perfect. Completely innocent. The world hadn’t done him any wrongs. He had no worries, no problems. I wouldn’t deny him strength, but I would do my best to keep his life that way for as long as I could. I promised myself that I would protect him. I would be there.

My mother wasn’t there. I knew she would have given anything to be. I knew she didn’t want to leave. I knew that she didn’t have a choice. But no matter what, I would be there for Harry.

And when I looked up, James was in the doorway, leaning against it. When I caught him, he walked over and sat next to me on the small couch. He put his arm around me, and I leaned into him.

“Good life, huh?�

I looked from him to Harry. “Good life.�

***

I didn’t safeguard myself by marrying James. I didn’t. There is nothing safe about the way I feel. I am vulnerable and scared. I am scared because I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I am no longer independent. I need him. He feeds Harry; I give Harry a bath. When I’m afraid, he puts his arms around me and tells me it’s going to be all right. And I believe it. And I know that when James needs to hear it from me, he’ll believe it too.

Don’t you see, Severus? It wasn’t safe. I’m not protected. Not the way I thought I would be. I could lose him. We’re facing death. I could lose Harry or James – I could lose the world. And Harry. I’ve lived more than a lot of people, but Harry hasn’t. And that scares me.

It wasn’t safe because I could never be without James. I couldn’t have survived any of this without him. My mother must have known that.

All of the things you said to me, I’m sorry, but you were wrong. I didn’t take the easy way out. I didn’t choose safety over you. I chose love. I chose the most dangerous thing of all, because if I lose him, I lose myself.

It isn’t just me anymore. I am split in three. Harry, James and me. They are a part of me. They are my life. And with that, with that love, comes triple the chance of being hurt. Triple the chance of losing yourself.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Maybe you’ll never understand, but that’s fine, because I know that, after everything, I chose right.