It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
~ Alan Cohen
Remus swept into his room swatting the door to close it as he entered. His room was simple and while some might consider it sparse, to him it seemed an economical use of space. The room was not very large and the possibility that he may have to leave in a hurry had always given him a logical reason never to get too comfortable in any one location. It was the way of things in Remus Lupin’s life, and had been ever since the deaths and subsequent incarceration of all of his close friends and only real tie he had to one place.
Remus placed his hands on the surface of his desk, letting his head fall forward. His eyes inevitably landing on the unavoidable reminder of why his life was the way it is. Why he had no choice but to hurt the one person he treasured more than anything.
“We weren’t finished with our conversation, Remus.”
Remus closed his eyes at the sound of her voice. He knew she was there. “I don’t believe there is anything more to discuss,” he responded quietly. He listened to the silence, and then a sigh as the quiet “click” of the door finally confirmed she was not to be so easily deterred. He felt her presence as she stepped towards him, tensing when he felt the heat of her impending touch, and her almost palatable disappointment when he retreated, but she did not leave.
“Why do you do this, Remus? It doesn’t have to be this way, and you know it.”
Remus sighed, his shoulders slumping. “Yes I do, and you already know why, Tonks.”
Nymphadora Tonks stared at the back of the man she loved, wishing he would just turn around and talk with her. She just couldn’t understand Remus’s avoidance of their relationship. She knew Remus loved her, as she loved him, he had told her so, followed by, “There’s nothing I can, or will do, about it.”
Tonks ran her hand through her mousy-brown hair. Normally, her hair colour changed frequently, one day jet-black, others bright blue; recently, however, she simply couldn’t summon the desire to change it.
“No, Remus, I don’t know,” she said becoming exasperated. She continued, in order to clarify her response, when she heard Remus draw breath to contradict her, “You have said nothing that I can see as a “good” reason as to why our relationship could not continue!”
Remus turned sharply, facing Tonks, his eyes flashing in his disbelief. “Good reason? Tonks, what more reason do you need other than this?” He snatched the flask that he had been looking at, holding it up so she could see it. “I am bound by this! This is my life; it will always be my life. It will never change, Nymphadora, no matter how much you try and brush it aside!” His voice began to rise in his desperation. Why couldn’t she understand? Why did she have to keep pushing? Didn’t she see he had no choice and that he was doing the right thing?
Tonks’s eyes burned defiantly into Remus’s. “You’re wrong, Remus. What’s in that flask represents only a small facet of your life! You cling to it as if that is all you are! You’re so much more than that, Remus, you are a man-”
Remus had to do something; he had to make her understand that a relationship between them would be folly. He slammed the flask back on the desk behind him, reached out, grabbing Tonks by the upper arms and roughly yanked her closer to him. His nostrils flared and his body shivered slightly with his warring desire to draw her closer. “You silly girl!” his harsh whisper filled the space between them, “You don’t, can’t, understand th-”
Tonks’s eyes flashed dangerously. “I am not a child, Remus! I fully understand what I am asking!” Tonks gentled her voice before continuing. “Remus,” she said, reaching out and touching his chest just above his heart. Feeling its rapid staccato, she began caressing him with the pad of her thumb, trying to calm him. She watched as his eyes closed and he lowered his head sighing. “You are a wonderfully kind, gentle, and loving man-” she started, but Remus interrupted her.
“I am not a man!” he spat in venomous denial, attempting to push Tonks away from him. However, she had fisted her hands in his robes at his outburst and he was unable to move her. “I am a thing, a creature, a monster; the risks are too high!” he shouted.
Tonks annoyed at his self-deprecation, ran over his rant. “You are not, Remus!” She pulled him closer to her as he tried vainly to push her away. “You are not a thing, Remus.”
She gentled her voice once again as she felt him beginning to give way to her a little. “You are not a creature.” Remus gave way a little more, his head lowered and shook back and fourth slightly in denial of her claims. Tonks untangled her hands from his robes and gently raised one to brush the bangs from his scarred face. Cupping his cheek lovingly, she said, “And you are most definitely not a monster.”
Remus met her eyes with his own tear-filled ones, hope and despair warring with each other, making him mute but for a sigh and a softly uttered, “Dora…” His hands left her arms and came to rest lightly on her hips.
Tonks smiled softly at the name he so rarely used, and caressed his cheek soothingly. “Remus, you are a man,” she said softly yet firmly. Placing a finger over his lips when he drew breath to argue, she carried on. “No, listen to me. You are a man, a wonderful man. You are not without flaws; we all have them. Look at me for example. I have plenty,” she joked lightly, receiving a watery smile for her efforts. “The point is, Remus, we all take risks in love; that is the way of it. If we want something, we have to be willing to take the risk and hope we are right.”
Remus shook his head slightly, his eyes dropping from hers. “The risks are just too-”
“Do you love me, Remus?”
His head snapped up at the question, his eyes, burning with defiance, once again locked onto Tonks’s. Tonks knew it was a calculated risk, but she felt the gain fully outweighed the possible risks, so she plunged ahead before he could respond.
“Tell me, Remus. Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me; look me in the eyes and tell me, in all sincerity, that you don’t love me! If you can do that, I will walk away and leave you in peace, never bringing this up again.”
Tonks waited, keeping her eyes locked with his, never once letting in her inner doubt; the possibility that he would be able to muster up enough defiance. Or even, that he didn’t love her as much as she had thought. She clamped down on her wayward thoughts; she needed to show Remus that she fully believed in his love for her.
Remus opened his mouth, fully intending on lying to her. He figured it to be the only way, the only way he could ensure her safety, no matter how much she protested.
“I….I…”
His eyes widened in horror, he couldn’t do it; he could not bring himself to say the words. He dropped his eyes from her in defeat, “I….can’t,” he whispered. He didn’t want to fight anymore, he wanted to hold her and love her, but he didn’t know how. How could loving her be right; wasn’t it selfish of him not to push her away, to make her see reason?
Tonks let a little sigh of relief escape her lips, her gamble had paid off. She stroked his hair again and drew him into an embrace, loving how he clutched at her in desperation. She would help him, and love him. She would show him he had choices in this life. She felt her shoulder begin to dampen followed by the shudder of Remus’s body as he finally let go, sobbing his grief, anger, uncertainty, and loneliness out in her unwavering embrace.
She held him to her, murmuring loving, soothing words in his ear. Encouraging him to let his pain out and reinforcing that she would always be there for him. When finally, his sobs quieted and his clasp on her loosened, she pulled back slowly to look him in the eyes.
“It will be alright, Remus. We will work through it together,” Tonks affirmed. She led him to his bed where they sat down.
Remus started off saying, “I’ve been alone for so long, Dora. I don’t know if I can change….if I can learn to let someone in….again. They are dead, Tonks, everyone I ever really let in and loved has died. I don’t know if I could bear it if you died too. This infernal war; the risk of death is-”
“-is something we all face, Remus!” she interrupted. “I face the same risk as you do, but I’m willing to grasp at happiness, Remus; grasp it and hold it for as long as I can!” she finished passionately.
Remus looked down at their intertwined hands saying, “I’m scared, what if I’m not strong enough?”
Tonks smiled softly, laying her hand on his cheek.
“My mother once told me, ‘you’d be a fool, Nymphadora, not to be scared of love. It is a powerful force, a force that can change your whole world and everything in it, but if your hearts are true and the love just, then the rewards far outweigh the possible risks.’ She told me how her love for my dad led her to give up all she knew: her family, friends, and her whole way of life, but she told me it was worth it, every day was worth it.”
Tonks looked deep into her love’s eyes, seeing the seed of hope and love shining in their depths. “It can be worth it, Remus; I fully believe that with all of my being.”
Remus reached up and caressed Tonks’s beautiful face with the tips of his fingers in reverence of her love and faith. He wanted that faith too; he wanted to love, and to be loved. He wanted the life she so eloquently showed him with her words and firm belief. He stared into her beautiful, love-filled eyes, and felt hope and a love so powerful that it filled every fiber of his being.
“I want to believe, too.”