1. No One Mourns The Wicked
(Everyone is gathered around in the Great Hall directly after the death of Lord Voldemort, barely able to comprehend what has just happened.)
All:
Good news! He’s dead!
Yes, Lord Voldemort is dead!
The wickedest git there ever was
Will trouble us no more here because
He’s dead! Good news! Good news!

Kingsley:
Fellow Order members—
Let us be glad
Let us be grateful
Let’s party hardy now since goodness could subdue
The wicked workings of You Know Who!
Isn’t it nice to know that good will conquer evil
The truth we all believe’ll by and by
Outlive a lie
Like Fawkes’s cry…

Neville:
No one mourns the wicked
And this time, he won’t return!

McGonagall:
He sent James and Lily to their graves!

Lucius and Narcissa:
We should’ve scorned the wicked!
Too bad our son didn’t learn
Not to trust the bad advice we gave.

Harry:
And goodness knows, his life was dark and lonely
Goodness knows, Tom Riddle died alone
It just shows, when you’re wicked, you’re left only on your own

All:
Yes, goodness knows, his life was dark and lonely
Goodness knows, Tom Riddle died alone
I suppose, when you’re wicked, your own life is all you own.

Harry:
But are people born wicked or do they have wickedness thrust upon them? After all, he had a father. He had a mother… as most people do.

Tom Sr.:
How I hate to go and leave you lonely

Cecilia:
That’s alright, it’s only just one night.

Tom Sr.:
But know that you’re here in my heart when I’m out of your sight.

Harry:
And like every family, they had their secrets…

Merope:
Have another drink, you must be tired
Riding up and down along the town
So have yourself another glass of water

Tom Sr:
Suddenly you look a whole lot hotter…

Merope:
Have another little swallow, Tommy dearest
And follow me dowwwwn.

Harry:
And so, neither he nor his mother ever really knew real love…

Merope: (Frantically pouring Amortentia down the kitchen sink drain)
He doesn’t need it, not now
Not since he made me a wedding vow
He’s mine for sure
He loves me, too
He’s my darling, handsome, lovely, gorgeous…

Tom: (Blinking)
YOU!
What does it mean… how can it be?
All of these months, I didn’t see!
You’re disgusting, you’re repulsive
You put some weird enchantment thing on me!

(Merope sobs)

Tom:
Get away.

Merope:
No!

Tom:
GET. AWAY.

Harry:
So you see, it couldn’t have been easy growing up on his own!

All:
No one mourns the wicked!
Now at last he’s dead and gone!
Now at last there’s joy throughout the land…
And goodness knows, we know what goodness is!
Goodness knows, Tom Riddle died alone.

Harry:
He died alone!

All:
But of course, we knew that someday soon, he’d get pwned!
No one mourns the wicked

Harry:
Good news!

All:
No one mourns the wicked

Harry:
Good news!

All:
No one mourns the wicked! Wicked!

(As everyone settles down, some reporter for the Daily Prophet runs out of the crowd.)

Reporter:
Harry—is it true you were his Horcrux?

Harry:
Uh… sadly, yeah. But I certainly wasn’t his first. It all started back when he was in school!

2. Dear Hogwarts (Dear Old Shiz)
(Dumbledore is informing Tom about the exciting learning opportunities at Hogwarts.)
Dumbledore:
At Hogwarts, you’ll cast spells all day
And you’ll learn to play broomstick sports.
We’ll fill your head with intr’esting stuff
Since it’s bare and full of air, flies, and fluff.
Tom, come join us at Hogwarts
At dear hoggy, warty, Ho-o-o-o-o-o-ogwarts!


3. A Wizard Like Me (The Wizard and I)
Tom:
Many years, I have waited
For a chance like this to appear
Why I predict, I’ll be a great wizard
By the end of the year!
They’ll bow in fear!
I’ll be a world-famous wizard
I’ll be the best, Merlin’s pants!
With the power I’ll have, there will be
A definite chance
If I work with all my might…
I’ll be dynamite!

Did that really just happen?
Do I actually understand?
This weird quirk I’ve tried to suppress or hide
Is a talent… that can
Put the world inside the palm of my hand
At my command…
Once I am a wizard
Once I’ve proved my skill
Then I’ll be immortal
Someone they can never kill!

And with all my newfound power
I’ll be more than just an orphan.
After all, the wizards aren’t dumb!
Well, except my uncle Morfin…
Oh, they’ll say to me, we see who you reall are
You’re going to make history
‘Cause I’m just what they’ll need,
A wizard like me.

Once I am a wizard
My whole life will change
‘Cos at a school for wizards
No one thinks you’re strange!
No one will tiptoe around you
No one leaves you out of games
And everyone has to love you
Or by your magic, they’ll be maimed!

With this power to hurt
And make things die
Maybe at last I will see
The things that I can be
A wizard like me…

And one day, I’ll look at myself and think,
My skills are just so superior.
Shouldn’t a man unlike anyone else
Have a matching exterior?
And since folks here to an absurd degree
Can’t take a pretty boy seriously
I’ll have to make the decision
To change past recognition…

And of course, that’s not important to me
Who cares if I’m not sexy?
They’ll jump at each decree
From wizards like me!
That’s what I’m going to be,
A wizard like me!

Unlimited… my future is unlimited…
And I’ve just had a vision almost like a prophecy.
I know…
It sounds truly crazy
And true, the vision’s hazy
But I swear, someday there’ll be
A musical on MuggleNet that’s all to do with me!

And I’ll stand there, a proud wizard
Where they’ll all look up to me.
And though I’d never show it
I’d be so pleased, I could go… SQUEEE!
And so it will be for the rest of my life
Which will last all through eternity!
Held in such high esteem
When people see me, they will scream
At my wand’s malignant beam…
A wizard—that’s me!


4. What Is This Feeling
(Tom is looking for a scapegoat for his evil plan for school domination, and he finds one, all right.)

Tom:
My dear diary of questionable origin…

Hagrid:
Dear Dad…

Both:
There’s a little problem that I’ve got here at Hogwarts

Hagrid:
Though I’m caring for my spidie

Tom:
Though I’m taking care of business

Both:
For I know that I can’t dwell on what I’ve seen, no.
An alarming person nearly made me mess my shorts… He’s—

Tom:
A stupid, oafish boy with absolutely no grasp of grammar and a giant for a mum!

Hagrid:
Mean!

Tom:
What is this feeling, so sudden and new?
This feeling that I should blame stuff on you?

Hagrid:
My pulse is rushing

Tom:
My head is reeling

Hagrid:
My face is flushing…

Both:
What is this feeling?
Fervent as a flame
Does it have a name?
Yes…
LOATHING. Unadulterated loathing!

Tom:
For your size, your smell, your clothing!

Both:
Let’s just say… I loathe it all.
Every little trait, no matter what
Makes me want to vomit up my gut
With simple, utter loathing
There’s a strange exhilaration
In such total detestation…
It frees the mind!
Though I do admit, it came on quick
There’s no doubt you’ll always make me sick
And I’ll keep on loathing, loathing you…

Tom:
And all your kind!

Death Eaters:
Wow, Tom Riddle, you are, like, the man!
How do you stand him? I don’t think I can.
He’s a freak, an aberration
And you know he’ll always stick out
Let’s cause him humiliation!

Tom:
Ooh, let’s have him framed and kicked out!

Death Eaters:
Great idea, Tom, be our guide
Plot out a scheme for mass homicide
And then we blame Hagrid
He’ll be mortified!
We share your loathing

Tom and Hagrid:
What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

Death Eaters:
Unadulterated loathing

Tom and Hagrid:
You’ll always hate me, I’ll always hate you,

Death Eaters:
For his size, his smell, his clothing

Tom and Hagrid:
My pulse is rushing
My head is reeling…

Death Eaters:
Let’s just say… we loathe it all!

Tom and Hagrid:
Oh, what is this feeling?

Death Eaters (Tom and Hagrid in parentheses):
Every little trait that he displays (Does it have a name?)
Makes us sure we’ll hate him all his days (Yes, ohhhh…)
Loathing (Loathing)
There’s a strange exhilaration (loathing)
In such total detestation (loathing)
It frees the mind (We find)
Though I do admit, it came on quick
There’s no doubt you’ll always make me sick
And I will loathing, for forever, loathing
Truly, deeply loathing
Loathing you…

Death Eaters:
And all your kind!

Aragog:
Boo!

Death Eaters:
Aggh!


5. Something Bad
(Tom has asked Slughorn about Horcruxes. Bad things have been beginning to happen at Hogwarts, but Slughorn is still pretty dumb.)

Slughorn:
Oh, Tom, Horcruxes are things of which we don’t dare speak. Dreadful things…
I’ve heard of a spell
I don’t know it well
A spell used to break up the soul.
Of course, it’s then no longer whole.
Put the fragments into things…

Tom:
Like diaries and cups and rings?

Slughorn:
They should do the trick…
Though the thought makes me sick!
Only hypothetical, of course
But not something I can endorse.
Something bad could happen at Hogwarts.

Tom:
Something bad, happen at Hogwarts?

Slughorn:
Yes, I can feel it, behind the scenes
Something bad… very bad.

Tom:
Professor Slughorn, if you think something bad’s going to happen soon, you should get some really reliable prefects to walk around after hours and try to catch whatever evil person is behind all of this.

So nothing bad…

Slughorn:
I hope you’re right.
Nothing all that bad.

Tom:
Nothing truly bad…
(His eyes glow red)
Very bad.
(He walks away, singing to himself)
It’s going to happen at Hogwarts….


6. Dancing With Death (Dancing Through Life)
(The Chamber of Secrets has been opened and Tom is having the time of his life.)

Tom:
The trouble with schools is, they always try to teach the wrong lesson.
Believe me, I’m all powerful, I should know.
They say to be meek and gentle… they’re mental!
‘Cos I must make a confession.
Causing pain and strife is really what gets you somewhere in life!

Dancing with death
Killing the students
Cursing when backs are turned…

Student:
That’s immoral!

Tom:
Please don’t quarrel…
Or you’ll die next
I’d have thought you’d learned
Dancing with death
No room for mistakes
When I have giant snakes on command.
Why should I care
When I am Slytherin’s heir?
Your life’s in the palm of my hand…

Dancing with death
Learning dark secrets
While still a Prefect here at school!
I’ll go deluxe
Make a Horcrux…
I’ll never die,
Death’s for the foolish.

Dancing with death
Ruthless and soulless!
Life that is goalless is blind and deaf!
Schemes are brewing
Woe ensuing
When I’m dancing with death!

(At the Gaunts’ house)

Tom:
Soooo… which way to the Riddle House?

Morfin:
Ooh, ar, over there somewhere…


Tom:
(Knocking him out and stealing the ring) Sounds perfect!

(He bursts into the Riddle House, startling the family.)

Tom:
Hello, dad, I’m Tom Riddle Junior!
It’s nice to meet you at last.
I think we’ll have a blast!
But unfortunately
Literally...
Step right up, Grandma, Grandpa Riddle
Come on, look at me.
It’s my invitation for…

Dancing with death
Quenching my bloodlust
If only because dust is all they’ll come to!
They don’t matter
And knowing no one matters
It’s just life
So I’ll end theirs, too.

See this tragically beautiful boy
Who’s been left by his dad?
Such things make a lad sad
Or start some killing spree…
Yes, Daddy.
Gee, I know nice boys should say politely,
“Father, you made me sad.�
I’m not a nice boy, dad.

(He kills the Riddles)

That’s what you get for messing with me…

(Tom is jauntily walking back from the Riddles’ and comes across a huge snake)

Tom:
So, you want a job as an evil familiar and possible Horcrux?
After all…
Now that we’ve met one another
It’s clear we deserve each other!
I’m perfect

Nagini:
I’m perfect!

Both:
So we’re perfect together!

Tom:
You’re my Horcrux, so forever
We’ll dance with death!

(Tom applies for a job at Borgin and Burkes’.)

Burke:
Finally, we see
A good potential employee
In this young Riddle boy
Who just walked in the store.

Borgin:
He has charm and wit and grace
But there’s something in his face
That’s not quite right…

Burke:
Think of the store!
Look, they deserve each other, this boy, this job
A dream come true!
They deserve each other, hire Tom.

Borgin:
(Sighing) Mr. Riddle, you have got the job.

Tom:
Thank you…

(At Hepzibah Smith’s.)

Hepzibah:
Ah, Mr. Riddle, I was just talking about you.

Tom:
And I was just thinking about you. I thought you might have something you’d like to show me tonight?

Hepzibah:
(Getting out her box of heirlooms.)
They’re really quite nice, don’t you think?
Though I’d prefer if they were pink.
Tom, we deserve each other.
You and me both, we have great taste!
We deserve each other
Don’t let
Such great potential go to waste!

(Tom edges slowly away from the creepy old lady and possible pedophile.)

Tom:
Mrs. Smith?

Hepzibah:
Yes?

Tom:
Hepzibah, I really have to leave because, uh
There’s some errands I must run for Burke tonight.
Now, I know it isn’t fair…

Hepzibah:
That’s all right, you’re a busy man.
And when you’ve got time to spare
You’ll come visit again.
Well, isn’t that right?

Tom:
Um.. suuure.
(To himself)
The chain—the cup—so beautiful!

Hepzibah:
Oh Tom, I think you’re wonderful!

Tom:
(Not paying any attention to Mrs. Smith; he only has eyes for her things.)
And we deserve each other
Why should she have things so fine?
We deserve each other… Someday soon
I will make them mine.
Yes! All miiiiine!

(He poisons Hepzibah.)

Tom:
Dancing with death
Quenching my bloodlust
She’s gone back to dust and breathed her last breath!
Will unbending
My life is never ending
While I dance with death!


7. Voldemort (Popular)
(Tom decides to transform into something rather different as he prepares to go through with making his first Horcrux and plans ahead for his future. You have to realize that in JK Rowling’s books, she pronounces his name “Voldemore,� with a silent ‘t,’ so that’s what’s going on in the “More—mort,� part of the song..)
Tom:
Whenever I meet someone less powerful than I
And let’s face it, who isn’t
Less powerful than I?
Their muddied blood tends to start to spill.
But before I truly takeover
I’m gonna need a makeover
A face… to terrify and thrill.
And even in my case
When I possess such an attractive face
I realize that my plan has to proceed
I’ll do the deed
And yes, indeed… I… will… be…

Voldemort!
I’m gonna be Voldemort.
I’ll learn all the proper ploys
To kill baby boys
Learn to swoop and snatch and pounce!
I’m gonna give kids a scare
Have no nose, no hair
But evil in quite large amounts

When I’m Voldemort
The evil Lord Voldemort.
I started back at Hogwarts
Found myself cohorts
Learned the spells I’ll need to know
Now it’s time
To drop everything and let go.

I’m not afraid to look like Michael Jackson
With slits for nostrils, skull face, high voice, and taught white wax skin.
I’ve heard the evil crazy snake look is back in.
My bathroom mirror
Will shatter in fear, for…

I’m gonna be Lord Voldemort!
The only Lord Voldemort.
And my brand new evil name
Will have great acclaim
From shore to shining shore—and port.
And nothing’s gonna hold me
Back when I am Voldy-more… mort.
Mwahahahahahahaha, I’m gonna be Lord Voldemort!

I’ll be a disgusting creature
Not a single pleasant feature.
No one will again think I’m not serious now!
Celebrated heads of state
Quite soon will be decapitate-ed.
All of their brains and knowledge
Won’t stop their fear

Of Lord Voldemort
Omnipotent Voldemort
It’s all about attitude
I’m one evil dude
And I find it shrewd to be
A helper of Lord Voldemort--
Join me!

(He levitates a bit of his soul into a Horcrux and looks suddenly a lot less human.)

Tom/Voldemort:
Oh, look at me! I’m hideous! That’s more like it!

The man with this face
Will wipe out a race
Of Mudbloods and their half-breed brood.
And nothing’s gonna thwart it
My evil Voldemortitude!
Mwahahahahaha, I AM VOLDEMORT!
And in a bloodthirsty mood!


8. I’m Not That Man (I’m Not That Girl)
(Tom, now fully Voldemort, watches Lucius and Narcissa snogging with evident disgust.)
Voldemort:
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, silent heat.
Hearts beat as fast as they can.
Someone’s having fun
But I’m not that man.
Love is a charade
One game far too often played.
I think it’s something they should ban.
Some say it’s quite nice
But I’m not that man!

Even Death Eaters will sometimes steal
A kiss every now and then
But I just don’t get what goes on between
Some grown women and some men…

Watch her flirt with him
Think I’ll tear ‘em limb for limb
Fake blonde hair, fake white teeth, fake tan
Plus, he’s got a nose
So, heaven knows
I’m not that man.

Why don’t I see?
What’s in love that’s not in me?
It’s something I can’t understand.
Some would say that bliss
Is found in a kiss.
I’m not that man…


9. Attacking The City (One Short Day)
(Voldemort and company are on a murderous rampage.)
Voldemort:
Come on, let’s take over the city!

All:
Voldemort is attacking the city!

Woman:
No! Don’t tell me he’s come to our city!

All:
Voldemort is attacking the city…

Voldemort is attacking the city
Look out, world, ‘cos here comes You-Know-Who!
One short day, and he’ll wipe out the city!
There’s infinite danger
For Mudbloods like Granger
And Muggles like you!

Bellatrix:
There are piles of bodies ten feet high!

Lucius:
Watch them run!

Bellatrix:
And watch them die!

Voldemort:
Palaces will crumble to my feet!

All:
There is carnage like I’ve never seen!

Voldemort:
It’s all grand!

Villagers:
It’s all obscene!
And I think we’re all about to be dead meat.
I wish that I was far away!

Voldemort:
But you’re not, so you’ll die today!
I’ll fry you all like crème brulee
‘Cos here I am, and here I am to stay!

All:
Voldemort is attacking the city!
Voldemort is here, so better run!

Voldemort:
I’ve arrived, and I’m warning the city
Now that I’m in here, you’ll know I’ve been here
Before the day’s done.

All:
Who’s the mage whose major itinerary
Is making our lives scarier?
Who’s the sage who’s sagely
Sailed in to kick some posterior?
Whose enthuse for the Cruciatus
Makes us wish that dragons ate us?
Ooooh… isn’t he horrible?
That horrible wizard!

(Repeat, simultaneous with Voldemort’s part below)

Voldemort:
Goodbye now, I’m destroying your city.
This is my way of having some fun.

All:
What a way to be seeing the city.

Voldemort:
Where no one will roam to
Now that I’ve blown through.

All:
And once all our lives are cut short.
They all will say
There’s where they lay
Blown away
By the repulsive Lord Volde—

Random villager:
The wizard will kill you now!

All:
MORT!


10. A Somewhat Mental Man (A Sentimental Man)
(Voldemort is applying for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher; Dumbledore reee-jects him.)
DUMBLEDORE:
You are a somewhat mental man.
I know that you killed your own father.
But I will do the best I can
To try to understand you—no one else would bother.
But, Tom, I can’t give you the job…

VOLDEMORT:
But why?

DUMBLEDORE:
‘Cos you think everyone but you deserves to die!
I won’t help with your somewhat mental quest for total power.
I won’t let you make students cower.
For you are a somewhat mental man.


11. Applying Depravity (Defying Gravity)
(Voldemort is setting off to kill Harry. Snape has urged him not to kill Lily, and Voldemort has agreed reluctantly.)
VOLDEMORT:
I hope you’re happy!
I hope you’re happy, Snape!
I hope you’re happy that because I’m sparing Lily
That Potter boy could kill me!

SNAPE:
I hope you’re happy!
I hope you’re happy, too!
I hope your proud that paranoia has destroyed you
You kill all who’ve annoyed you.

BOTH:
So though I can’t imagine how
I hope you’re happy right now.

VOLDEMORT:
Severus, you’re a great wizard
Go back to how you were before.
You were so ruthless, without limits.

SNAPE:
I know. But I’m not like that.
I can’t be that anymore.

VOLDEMORT:
Something has changed inside you
Something is not the same.
Something is breaking you
And Lily Potter is her name.
Too late for looking back now
You can’t live in fantasy.
It’s time to channel madness
Use anger… like me!

Let them all die
Apply depravity.
Come, don’t be shy
Apply depravity!
And they can’t bring you down.

SNAPE:
I just cannot understand…
You think your delusions can help you?

VOLDEMORT:
Don’t you dismiss predictions--
Kill everyone you know.
There might be no real threat
But ‘till they die, you’ll never know.
Too long, you’ve been afraid of
Losing love that’s… clearly lost.
Snape, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost.

Forget her, try
To apply depravity.
Be one bad guy
Just apply depravity
And they won’t bring you now.

(Spoken.) Severus, once I eliminate the family, there’ll be no chance that anyone can ever defeat me.

(Sung)
Unlimited… my power will be unlimited.
But right now, I must contradict the prophecy—
Kill them.
Clean deaths, like I planned ‘em.
Come, let’s work in tandem.
I know you can use that mind…

Let dead dogs lie
And apply depravity
Just you and I
Will apply depravity
They’ll never bring us down.
Well, are you coming?

SNAPE:
I hope you’re happy
I can’t just kill like you can do.
I can’t just muscle through
Pretend that it’s okay and
Throw human thoughts away and
It’s too much for me to afford.
I hope you’re happy… my Lord.

VOLDEMORT:
Above the Potters’ house, see
My Dark Mark in the sky.
As I’ve said many times, Snape
Everyone but me deserves to die!
And once I’m flying solo
Soon, I’ll be flying free!
Watch me kill James and charge
Into the nursery!

They scream, they cry!
I apply depravity.
I’ll watch them die
And apply depravity
And soon the world will be my crown.
And nobody who is or was
No wizard will kill me because
I’ll be the one to bring them down!

(He tries to kill Harry and, ironically, asplodes.)

___________________

Act Two

1. Thank Goodness
Voldemort has just been defeated. Dumbledore and McGonagall are meeting out front of Privet Drive.
DUMBLEDORE:
Every day more wicked
Then he’s suddenly destroyed
But he took the Potters when he went.

MCGONAGALL:
Somebody so wicked
Brought down by a baby boy.
Harry Potter, only an infant.
Like some terrible great lizard, he crushed all we held dear.

DUMBLEDORE:
But now that evil wizard can no longer harm us here!
Not here!

BOTH:
We’ll leave Harry Potter
Somewhere where he won’t be hurt.
Where is Hagrid?
When will he arrive?
When will he arrive?
When will he arrive?

(Across town, Dedalus Diggle is throwing a party.)

DIGGLE:
Fellow Order members, as terrifying as the death of the Potters is, let us put aside our grief… and celebrate!
Oh what a celebration we’ll have today!

ALL:
Thank goodness!

DIGGLE:
Let’s have a celebration the wizard way!

ALL:
Thank goodness!

DIGGLE:
Finally a day that’s totally Voldemort-free.

ALL:
We couldn’t be happier, thank goodness!

(At Privet Drive.)

PETUNIA:
Yes, we couldn’t be happier.
Right, dear?
Couldn’t be happier
Right here.

VERNON:
A fine job and spouse

PETUNIA:
Insanely clean house—
Our very own sitcom backdrop.
Where we couldn’t be happier.
True, dear?
Couldn’t be happier

BOTH:
And we’re taking great care
To brag everywhere
About how we’re better than you!

PETUNIA:
I couldn’t feel lovelier!

VERNON:
I couldn’t feel wealthier!

BOTH:
We couldn’t be happier!
Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true!

(Back to Dumbledore and McGonagall outside the door, as well as Hagrid, who has just arrived.)

DUMBLEDORE:
The day Lord Voldemort came
He killed Potter in a flash
He was going to spare his wife as well, initially.
But she wouldn’t stand aside
And so Lily also died
And Voldemort laughed maliciously.
Then he approached the crib
To try and kill young Harry
To complete the plans he made ambitiously.

MCGONAGALL:
I heard he didn’t die
But works down at Honeydukes.

HAGRID:
I heard that he’s now a ghost
Like all them Hogwarts spooks.

BOTH:
I heard he isn’t gone yet
That one blow couldn’t defeat him
I heard that one day he’ll return
And just Harry can beat him
Beat him
Oh, hopefully one day he’ll beat him!

(They leave Harry and go. Petunia opens the door the next morning to see a cranky, smelly-diapered baby lying on the porch next to the newspaper.)

PETUNIA:
Oh my gosh… Lily and James dead… killed by wiz… those people… nothing could kill their son… WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM!?!?!

(At the sound of her screech, a flock of birds takes off from the nearby telephone wires. Meanwhile, cut to the disembodied spirit of Lord Voldershmookins.)

VOLDEMORT’S SPIRIT:
Guess why I couldn’t be crabbier?
No! I couldn’t be crabbier!
I live, but I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I’d anticipated.
So, I couldn’t be crabbier
Simply couldn’t be crabbier!

Well, not simply…
I’m flipping my lid
‘Cause killing the kid
Was kind of, well, complicated.
With each victory comes a cost
And my body’s what I’ve, er, lost.
And the boy’s still alive, he didn’t die, so I’m pretty ticked off.

I’m going to return!
And my servants’ Dark Marks will burn.
And I know I will hear it’s something to cheer about.
But he couldn’t be healthier
So I couldn’t be angrier
And I couldn’t feel crabbier
Because that’s often what happens when you’re this freaked out!

(Back to celebrating people at Diggle’s.)

DIGGLE:
With Voldemort around, our life really stank!

ALL:
Thank goodness!

DIGGLE:
Now he’s blown up and we all know who to thank!

ALL:
Thank goodness!

DIGGLE:
That means the Potters, Harry, James, and Lily.

ALL:
We…
Couldn’t be happier
It couldn’t be luckier
Vold couldn’t be crabbier
We couldn’t be happier
Thank goodness! Yippee!


2. Wonderful
Ten years later, Harry finds himself in the dungeon accompanied by Quirrel/Voldemort and the Mirror of Erised.
HARRY:
I never asked for this or planned it in advance.
Now I face the Dark Lord thanks to happenstance.
I never saw myself as a Superman or Hercules.
I’m only a kid.
And now I just pray—let this plan work, oh please.
‘Cos suddenly I’m here… with no one to protect me.
I thought I would save the stone… and no one tried to correct me!

VOLDEMORT:
Are you surprised that you’ll be killed… and none too soon!
What can I say, you know you’ll die today.

HARRY:
This is inopportune…

VOLDEMORT:
Wonderful, my plan was wonderful.
It’s always wonderful, that’s no surprise.
Life will be wonderful, once yours ends—wonderful.
Because I’m not like other guys!
It will feel wonderful
With this stone—wonderful!
Because it’s wonderful to never die!
And thanks to you, my boy
I’ll very soon destroy
You, and I’ll barely have to try.

See, I never had a family of my own, so I guess I just decided to go ahead and kill everyone else’s.

HARRY:
So you went batpoo insane, you mean.

VOLDEMORT:
Oh, there is no good and evil, Harry! Only power and those too weak to seek it!
A man’s called a traitor or a liberator
A man is well-groomed or a narcissist.
A valiant crusader, or more like Darth Vader—
It’s all in which label is able to persist.
Slytherins all feel at ease
With moral ambiguities
Because we just pretend they don’t exist!
They think I’m wonderful, so I am wonderful
In fact, it’s so much who I am, they don’t speak my name
And with my help, you can be the same.

For now I must receive my due, long overdue.
Yes indeed.
Years ago, defeated,
Voldemort’s reheated.
I’ll win no matter what I do
So you can choose to join me, or else I can just kill you!

Wonderful, it will be wonderful!

HARRY:
You call that wonderful?

VOLDEMORT:
Once I have won!
And once I’m wonderful, life will be wonderful!
Wonderful, one, two…

(Harry gets the stone and basically defeats him once again.)


3. I’m Not That Man Reprise (I’m Not That Girl Reprise)
The next year, after the Chamber of Secrets fiasco, the spirit of Voldemort reflects on how Potter has beaten him so many times and puzzles over how it could be.
VOLDEMORT’S SPIRIT:
Why can’t I see?
What’s in him that’s not in me?
Even now, I can’t understand…
Me renounce my vow
And give up now?
I’m not that man…


4. As Long As You’re Mine
(Harry’s fourth year, in the graveyard. Voldemort slowly rises from the cauldron, accompanied by vaguely ominous music.)
VOLDEMORT:
Mwahahahaha…
Mock me, hide from me
Put off our fight.
I need help believing I stand here tonight.
My years of scheming paid off, you see…
Standing before you, with you fearing me.

Just for this moment, as long as you’re mine
I’ll indulge you, Potter—
Delay your death, that’s fine.
I’ll play your games, boy,
I won’t go too fast…
I’ll make every last moment last
As long as you’re mine.

(Priori Incantatem, Harry escapes, etc. Cut to the next year when Voldemort is messing around inside Harry’s head and affecting his dreams.)

VOLDEMORT:
I’m in your brain, I’ll feed you my lies
I’ll help you see things through… different eyes.
Now that you’ve fallen under my spell
I’ll kill you soon and I’ll kill Black as well!
Just for this moment
As long as you’re mine
I’ll show you real pain and
I’ll make up for lost time.
Say there’s no future for my new regime
But boy, that’s as false as your dream…

Just for this moment
As long as you’re mine
I’ll truly possess you
It’s all in my design.

(Voldemort possesses Harry and speaks from his mouth)

VOLDEMORT AND HARRY’S VOICES TOGETHER:
Come, old man, kill us
We’re one and the same
He’s lost now that I’ve staked my claim…
As long as he’s mine.

(Harry’s love is too much for him, Voldemort flees, etc. Harry lies on the ground sobbing.)

DUMBLEDORE:
What is it?

HARRY:
It’s just… for the first time, I feel… wicked.


5. No Good Deed
Dumbledore has just been killed by Snape, and Harry is full of inhuman rage—he wants to kill Snape. Meanwhile, Voldemort is across the country furiously killing people because he has just learned that once again, Harry did not die. Imagine this whole duet taking place in split-screen.)
HARRY:
PROFESSOR!

VOLDEMORT:
Avada Kedavra, die now, die now
‘Vada Kedavra.
Avada Kedavra, Cruciatus
‘Vada Kedavra.
Let the boy’s flesh be torn
Let his blood flow like rain
Let him scream, let him feel total pain!

HARRY:
Let the man’s bones all break
And however he’s tortured and battered

BOTH:
I want him to die!
I want him to die!

VOLDEMORT:
Avada Kedavra, die now, die now
Avada Kedavra
Avada Kedavra, Cruciatus

HARRY:
Sectumsemp…
Cruci..
AUUGH! What good is this spellwork?
I don’t even know what I’m doing!
I don’t even know what trick I ought to try.
But Snape, I can see you
Already dead and bleeding
Just like the man you killed, alone in pain, crawl off and die!

Evil deeds gone unpunished…
The murderer lives and is celebrated.
Evil deeds gone unpunished…
And he’ll succeed!
My road of good intentions led where such roads always lead.

VOLDEMORT:
NO good deed goes unpunished!

BOTH:
(Harry mournfully, Voldemort gleefully.)
Cedric… and then Sirius…

HARRY:
Now Dumbledore…

VOLDEMORT:
Now Dumbledore!

HARRY:
One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention.
Are my deeds really good
Or a plea for attention?

VOLDEMORT:
That’s all each action is when looked at with my soulless eye
We both are so alike
Potter, that’s the reason why…
No good deed goes unpunished!
All Gryffindors will be assassinated.
No good deed goes unpunished!
You think you’re so great, but look what being great did!

HARRY:
All right, enough, so be it!
So be it, then.
Whatever it may take
I know what I must do
Since I could not succeed, Headmaster, saving you.
I promise no dark deed will that man ever do again…
Ever again!

(He slowly gets to his feet, his face darkly purposeful. He unsheathes his wand as lightning illuminates the sky.)

HARRY (AND VOLDEMORT, IN PARENTHESES):
No dark deed (No good deed)
Will he do again!


6. March of the Horcruxes (March of the Witch-Hunters)
(Harry’s seventh year. The students still stuck at Hogwarts are rooting for Harry to defeat Voldemort.)
ALL:
Go and find them and hunt them, destroy them!

GINNY:
Good luck, Harry!

ALL:
Go and find them, destroy them, to kill him!

NEVILLE:
Kill Voldemort!

ALL:
Voldemort must be punished
And all of his Horcruxes eliminated!
Voldemort must be punished…

HARRY:
It’s the sword!

(Ron holds the sword poised to stab the locket, pale and trembling but his face contorted with hatred.)

RON:
It’s due to him we’re in this mess
The chance I’ll live is slim.
So I’ll stab the locket with this
And pretend I’m stabbing him!
If I’d known six years ago
The price I’d have to pay,
If I’d gotten prepared when I was that young
I wouldn’t be a coward today!

(He stabs the locket. As the chorus repeats, we see a montage of the trio hunting for Horcruxes, culminating with Hermione stabbing the cup with the Basilisk fang, the Fiendfyre consuming the diadem, and Neville killing Nagini.)

MEMBERS OF THE D.A.:
Voldemort must be punished!
Good luck to Harry, I would join if I could!
Because Voldemort must be punished…
Punished…
For good!


7. For Good
Harry and Voldemort are having their final face-off.
HARRY:
You’re limited.
Tom, just look at you
Love can do things you’ll never do, Riddle.
And now it’s up to me…
Do I have the strength?
Now it’s up to me…

I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
Fate leads us on to those who help us change and grow
If we’re lucky
We may change them in return.
Well, Voldemort, I really hope that’s true
‘Cos there better be a reason why I know a jerk like you!

Like a pond that’s been polluted by a neighboring plant
Like a proud tree felled and splintered into firewood.
When your life ends, mine will change for the better
But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

VOLDEMORT:
I’ll kill you, boy
This is the last hour that you’ll see in your lifetime.
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is fueled by all my hate for you
You’ll stay with me
Like a stick rammed through my heart!
And now your sorry tale is drawing to its end
I know you have rewritten mine more than time can mend!

Like a bomb that detonates and just destroys a whole town
Like a bear that rips your face off on a hike through the wood.
When your life ends, mine will change for the better
But because I knew you…

HARRY:
Because I knew you…

BOTH:
I have been changed for good.

VOLDEMORT:
And just to clear the air
Once I have killed you
I’ll fondly recall the blood and gore.

HARRY:
You wrecked my life, but now I’m wrecking yours!

BOTH:
So none of it seems to matter anymore!
Like a pond that’s been polluted (Like a bomb that detonates and)
By a neighboring plant (Just destroys a whole town)
Like a proud tree felled and splintered
Into firewood (Like a bear that rips your face off in the wood!)
When your life ends, mine will change for the better

HARRY:
I think I’ll be a stronger man now forever…
And because I knew you

VOLDEMORT:
Because I knew you

BOTH:
Because I knew you, I have been changed for good…

(They both attack, Voldemort’s spell rebounds, Voldemort dies, Harry and everyone else stands there blinking in amazement.)


8. Finale
ALL:
No one mourns the wicked
Now at last he’s dead and gone!
Now at last there’s joy throughout the land!

(There is a long, sad, contemplative pause as everyone thinks about all of the good and innocent people who died in the fight to be free.)

Good news! Good news!

HARRY:
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better…
But because I knew him

ALL:
No one mourns the wicked!

HARRY:
Because I knew him

ALL:
No one mourns the wicked

HARRY:
I have been changed for—

ALL:
No one mourns the wicked!
Wicked!
Wicked!


CURTAIN