I'll Be Waiting

I sat there, staring straight ahead. I was sitting on one of those muggle chairs - the foldable kind. Those white chairs were placed in rows, with one break in between the two sections. They were all pointing ahead, facing a podium which sat in front of the Black Lake. All of the students and staff of Hogwarts along with all the friends and family of one Matthew Connors were all gathered there, on the Hogwarts grounds. We were at a funeral.

My friends, Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail, were grouped around me, on the foldable chairs, also staring ahead. The funeral, which was for Matt, had yet to start. Matt had died just recently when Death Eaters attacked Hogsmeade during our trip there. It was the end of October, and it was slightly chilly out.

I kept staring ahead. To those looking at me, my gaze looked unfocused, but I was focused: I was concentrating on a red-head a few rows ahead. Lily. Lily was crying on her best friend, Alice’s shoulder. Lily had been dating Matt for quite a few months, and when Matt was killed, she was devastated. It hurt me to see Lily so upset.

Still, I kept looking ahead, my thoughts consuming me. I was angry, I suppose. I was angry at Matt for dying, and hurting Lily so much. But if I really thought about it, I wasn’t. I was feeling guilty for disliking Matt because he dated Lily. Then again, I wasn’t. I was sad, sad that Matt died. And still I wasn’t. I felt empty, numb. I was disconnected from the world; I was on the outside looking in. I felt nothing. What was wrong with me? Why did I not at least feel sad that the Ravenclaw boy in my year had lost his life? Was I so cruel as to not feel anything?

One thing remained: my feelings for Lily. Was it an insult to his memory to still care for Lily as I did? I couldn’t help it, though, and I still gazed at Lily as she openly mourned. For her, I wish Matt hadn’t died.

He broke your heart
He took your soul
You're hurt inside
Because there's a hole

It seemed like forever until the funeral finally ended. I was still confused by what I felt. I looked at Lily and saw her getting up. All around me, everyone was getting up in various stated of grievance. I slowly followed all the people, Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail following behind me.

Lily was a ways ahead and talking to Alice. I got close enough to hear what Lily was saying.

“I’ll be okay, Alice. I just want to be along for a bit, alright? I’ll be in my dorm,� Lily’s voice was quivering, although she was no longer crying.

Alice nodded and gave Lily a hug before walking away. She respected Lily’s wishes. I looked at Lily; she seemed so upset. I wanted to do something; I wanted to let her know I was there.

Lily was just turning to walk away when I stepped forward. “Lily,� I called. She turned around. I got a good look at her up close and noticed that her eyes were rimmed with red.

I took a breath before continuing, “Just, um… I was just thinking that if, you know, you ever want to – er – talk, I’m… well…� I trailed off uncomfortably, biting the inside of my lip.

I wasn’t sure why I said what I did, or what it meant to her. It just seemed better to let her know I was there. Also, it sounded better than saying that I was sorry.

“Thanks, James,� Lily said softly.

It was only after she walked away that I realized she had called me James.

You need some time
To be alone
Then you will find
What you always know
I'm the one who really loves you baby
I've been knocking at your door

As Lily walked away, I felt my friends come around me. I looked at them, and it seemed that an understanding passed between us. What exactly it was, even I couldn’t say. Moony put his hand on my shoulder in a friendly way.

I looked up to the blue sky, with white, fluffy clouds. I could swear that I felt Matt near me, and he was telling me it was okay. It was okay that I felt so empty, okay that I still cared for Lily. I sighed and shut my eyes for a moment. When I opened them, I looked toward Lily again.

As I watched Lily slowly walk away, her auburn hair swaying, I made a promise. It was a promise for Matt, to do what he now couldn’t. I vowed that I would always wait for Lily. I would always be there for her whenever she needed it.

As long as I'm living, I'll be waiting
As long as I'm breathing, I'll be there
Whenever you call me, I'll be waiting
Whenever you need me, I'll be there

Later that night, I came out of my room in the Head’s common room. Lily and I each had our own room, of course. Anyway, I was walking out of my room to use the loo. To do that, though, I passed by Lily’s room. It was then that I stopped. For inside, I heard what were, unmistakably, Lily’s cries.

I walked up to the door, pausing as I pressed my ear against it. I wanted to go in there so badly, to comfort her.

But, I reminded myself, she had asked Alice to let her be alone.

Although, another part of my mind said, she acknowledged you when you said you were there for her.

Alice is her best friend though; surely she would go to her first.

Yes, but I know what she’s going through - after mum…

No! I shook my head, clearing it from the mental war I had been having, I wouldn’t go there. I wouldn’t think about that now.

In the end, I decided to go inside. If Lily asked me to leave… Well, then I would leave. But, I wasn’t going to stand there while she was so upset. I took a deep breath, summoning all my Gryffindor courage. Why was I so nervous? I opened the door, and walked inside.

Lily was curled up on her bed, crying. In her hands, she clutched a picture. Although I couldn’t see what it was, I could pretty much guess. I shut the door quietly, and walked farther into the room. Lily didn’t notice me, or if she did, she wasn’t showing it. Again, I took a deep breath, ready to be pushed out of the room.

“Lily, you okay?�

I've seen you cry
Into the night
I feel your pain
Can I make it right

I mentally slapped myself. Did she look like she was okay? I was again preparing myself to be told to leave, but I was instead surprised.

“I miss him James, I miss him so much,� Lily choked out between sobs.

I blinked a few times, before slowly walking over to Lily. I sat on the edge of her bed. She looked up at me, her eyes blotchy, her face streaked with tears. I felt so bad for her. Not knowing what else to do, I opened my arms for a hug. She didn’t hesitate in crawling into my lap and clutching my body as though it were an anchor.

I swallowed and wrapped my arms around her hesitantly, but she didn’t shy away. If only the circumstances were different, I would have loved to have Lily Evans in my arms.

“Does it ever go away, James? The pain?�

I thought back to my mum’s death from cancer the year before. “No, Lily, it never truly leaves.�

She cried harder, holding me tighter. “But,� I continued, “it does get easier; it gets better.�

“Promise?� She asked, looking up at me. She looked so lost. My heart broke for her.

“Yeah.�

She snuggled back into my chest, and I realized something. I really was in love with her. What bad timing.

She shook as she continued to cry. We just sat there for a few more minutes when she said something else.

“I loved him James; I really think I loved him. But he wouldn’t want me to keep missing him so much, right? Wouldn’t he want me to move on? I don’t want to forget him, though. What if I forget him?� I listened quietly, this seemed to be what had been hurting Lily so much, aside from the obvious.

I hated that she had loved Matt, but not because of jealousy, but because of how sad I was for Lily. I wished Matt hadn’t died, just so Lily wouldn’t be so heartbroken. Was that love? When you wanted someone else to be happy even if you weren’t?

“No, Lily. If you really loved him, you’ll never forget him,� I responded, thinking slightly of my mum.

She rested back into my chest, but the tears seemed to have stopped. I kept holding her; Lily needed me at that moment. I wanted to love her, but I knew that I would wait forever, until she was ready, if she ever was.

You know, when you’re older you will look back on certain moments and realize something that you didn’t before. This was one of those times for me. I suppose that it was then – a bit like when my mum died - that I finally started to grow up.

I realized there's no end inside
Yet still I'll wait
For you to see the light
I'm the one who really loves you baby
I can't take it anymore

Eventually, Lily fell asleep in my arms. I laid her down on her bed, and wrapped the covers around her. I took the picture of her and Matt she had been grasping and put it on the table next to her bed. I walked to the door, opened it, and slipped out of the room.

Upon closer examination of my shirt, I realized that it was wet from all Lily’s tears. I could care less. I leaned against the wall next to Lily’s door and lost myself in my thoughts, my chin resting on my chest.

What had I learned? Well, I was in love with Lily - really in love. I would bring Matt back, even if it meant us never being together, just to make her happy. And, I knew I would never be as immature as I had previously been. I wouldn’t stop pranking, and all, no. I would, though, refrain from hexing Slytherins; I wouldn’t be so conceited, so sure of myself. At least, I would try. I knew I would never be perfect.

Also, I would wait forever for Lily. I would walk the ends of the earth for her, be there whenever she needed me. Whenever she needed someone to talk to, whenever she needed something, I would always be there. Even if she just needed a friend. That would never change.

As long as I'm living, I'll be waiting
As long as I'm breathing, I'll be there
Whenever you call me, I'll be waiting
Whenever you need me, I'll be there

I walked back into my room, and I made the promise I had made earlier again. Lily Evans, I thought, for you, I’ll wait forever.

*Finite*