1. The Ballad of Voldemort (The Ballad of Sweeney Todd)
(As the last handful of dirt is thrown over Voldemort’s grave at his sparsely attended funeral, black-clad figures we recognize as those who died at Voldemort’s hands float onstage, looking grim and slightly vengeful. )

A MAN:
Attend the tale of Voldemort
His heart was cold and his temper short.
At first, Tom seemed just like other men
But never there after was heard of again
Except, as many tales purport,
As Voldemort.
The psycho dark lord of Hogsmeade.

ANOTHER MAN:
Worked at Burke’s shop in London town
Of shady clients and dark renown.
Then one day, Tom quit and changed his name
And from that day forth, Mr. Riddle became
Lord Voldy
Lord Voldemort
The psycho dark lord of Hogsmeade.

ALL:
Raise your wand arm high, Voldy
Raise it to the skies!
Freely flows the blood of those
With Muggle ties!

(Variously)

He had no nose, no lips, no hair
He knew no love, but he didn’t care.
And though he never said one kind word,
His followers loved him, or so I have heard.
He killed and tortured for his sport
Did Voldemort
The psycho dark lord of Hogsmeade.

Quite insidious, Voldy was
Calculating and cold, ‘e was
If you still don’t have enough proof
It’s guaranteed by the end of this spoof.

Voldy plotted, and Voldy planned
Eternal life, I am told, ‘e planned
Voldy was swift, he had no mercy
Voldy was even worse than Percy!

Voldy was swift, he had no mercy
Voldy was even worse than Percy!
Quite insidious Voldy was
Calculating and cold ‘e was
Nearly soulless, I’m told, ‘e was
Was Voldy!
Voldy!
Voldy!
Voldy!

Voldemort slowly rises out of his grave, and his Death Eaters suddenly enter the stage in a flash of light.

VOLDEMORT AND COMPANY:
Attend the tale of Voldemort
He served the masses as death’s escort.

VOLDEMORT:
What happened then, well that’s the play
And he wouldn’t want us to give it away.
Not Voldy.

ALL:
Not Voldemort.
The psycho dark lord of Hogs…meade…


2. No Place Like Hogwarts (No Place Like London/A Barber and His Wife)
Our extended flashback begins, and we see a seventh-year Tom getting out of the Hogwarts Express behind a fresh-faced first year boy. The shortened version of the song from the 2007 film.

CHEERFUL BOY:
It’s a wizard’s world, and full of wonders
From real magic wands
To strange sweets and flying brooms
But there’s no place like Hogwarts!

TOM:
No, there’s no place like Hogwarts.
You are young… there’s much you still don’t know…
You will learn.

There’s a hole in the world like a rotting sore
Full of maggots who feed on the festered gore
All encouraged by that old fool, Dumbledore,
And it goes by the name of Hogwarts.

On their precious gold thrones sit professors who
Let Mudbloods turn the school to some kind of zoo
Poison it with their filth and scum…
I, too
Was new to this world and its wonders,
But the ignorance of man smashed apart my rosy view
For there’s no place like Hogwarts.

(Sits as if in a trance, forgetting anyone else is there.)

There was a Muggle and his wife…
And she was hideous.
A worthless Muggle and his wife
Who thought she’d made him hers for life,
But she was hideous
And she was pitiful.
And he was—her prey.

Under her spell, he never saw
That she was hideous.
She bore his child under law
Until he wrenched away her claw
And left her standing at the gate
And sealed her poor, pathetic fate.
He watched her fall
In tears
So young
So lost
But oh, so hideous…

CHEERFUL BOY:
He left? But what happened to the lady? What about the baby?

TOM: (Bitterly)
Oh, that was many years ago…
I doubt that anyone would know.

The boy walks off, and Tom stands there for a moment in thought, then marches off toward the school.

TOM: (Under his breath)
There’s a wound in the world
Like a great black pit
And it’s filled with “people�
Who don’t count a bit
So I’ll have to go in, purge and puncture it…


3. The Worst Child in London (The Worst Pies In London)
Back at the orphanage, Mrs. Cole despairs of Tom. Every time anyone at all visits, she hopes it’s someone come to take Tom off her hands at last and jumps to conclusions, terrifying the poor visitor.

MRS. COLE:
Wait, who are you? What’s your business?
You gave me such a
Fright, I nearly wet meself.
Half a minute, can’t you stay
Yes, right there- stay!
All I meant is, Tom hasn’t had a visitor in years.

Did you come here for the boy, sir?
Do forgive me if I get carried away
But for years, I’ve just been dreaming of this day.
Though I don’t like to admit it--
Heaven knows I try sir,
But I swear, one day he’ll end up in some jail.
Would you like a drink of sherry, or some ale?

Mind you, you are gonna want some.
Tom is probably the worst child in London.
Though he knows it, never fazed him
He should know,
I raised him
But good? No.
The worst child in London…

Even that’s polite, the worst child in London.
Gives the other kids a fright.
He’s crafty and cunning
His word’s law—kids heed it.
His cruelty’s stunning
Here, drink this, you’ll need it.
The worst child in London…

It’s a wonder that a child can be what he is.
Never thought I’d live to see the day
Boys would go off on a spree killing poor
Animals, hanging pets like so much meat.
Billy Stubbs, he had a rabbit.
‘Till Tom got it—and I’ve noticed something weird,
Lately, half the children’s toys have disappeared.
Have to hand it to him—
He’s a pro, that’s a fact.
Never been caught in the act.

We all know it’s him, though.
Thanks to him, two children aren’t right in the head.
And each day, more bunnies’ bodies turn up dead.
Finding evidence is hard, though
Harder than his heart, the worst child in London.
Wish we barred him from the place…

I have a strong notion
He murdered my kitty
He shows no emotion, and acts like…
Well, pity
A woman alone
Who gets by on gin
With the worst child in London!
Ah, sir.
Times is hard… times is hard!


4. Foul Thing (Poor Thing)
We leave the orphanage and return back to Tom’s seventh year at Hogwarts. One of the nameless ghosts killed by Voldemort who we saw in the opening number gives us a somber guided tour, showing us how Tom wreaked havoc by opening the Chamber of Secrets. This is the version of the song from the 2007 film.

GHOST GUIDE:
There was a prefect at the school
And he was beautiful…
Polite and charming, calm and cool
Yet strangely heartless, even cruel.
But he was beautiful…
Riddle, his name was. Tom Riddle.

He had this plan, you see.
Nasty little thing.
Plotted, Riddle did.
Riddle wanted the world on a string.
Foul thing,
Foul thing.
He was the heir, you see.
Heir of Slytherin.
Opened Salazar’s secret room
Meant to send the school to its doom
Let the bas’lisk out of its gloom.
Foul thing.
Ah, but there was worse yet to come,
Foul thing!

Well, Myrtle, she was a Muggleborn.
Poor thing!
Poor thing!
Was always weeping and all forlorn.
Died in the loo, where her ghost still mourns.
More scandalizing than ogre porn,
Poor thing! Poor thing!

Of course, it was Riddle,
Foul thing! Foul thing!
But teachers were easy to fool.
Tom just lied a little,
Foul thing! Foul thing!
And Hagrid, he took all the blame, poor thing
He couldn’t play Tom’s sordid game, poor thing.
And so he got kicked out of school.

Riddle got away
What more is there to say?

And Riddle had had such success, you see
He went and pursued a new goal.
He’d already caused such a mess, you see,
It won’t take a genius to guess that he
Split his
Poor soul.

(Tom, is suddenly standing there, observing the grim scene of carnage with a smirk on his face. )

TOM:
Yes. He certainly did do that.

GHOST GUIDE:
So it is you… Tom Riddle…

TOM:
Not Riddle anymore. It’s Voldemort, Lord Voldemort. And he’s ready to have his revenge.


5. My Friends
Tom, a few years later, is working at Borgin and Burke’s, and paying a little visit to Hepzibah Smith. She has just shown him her special prized collection, and he is utterly thrilled and entranced. So is Hepzibah, but for entirely different reasons. This is the version from the Broadway musical.

TOM:
These are my friends.
They will be mine soon…
See this one shine,
See my face shining back
My friend, reflect me, friend…

Come with me, friend,
Take me within you.
I know, I know,
You’re much more than you’ve seemed
All these years
Like me, my friend…

Well, you’re mine now!
My soul will call you
Home…
With us together
We shall do wonders.
Won’t we?

(Hepzibah joins in and sings in italicized parentheses in counterpoint. Tom doesn’t listen to a word she says.)

TOM AND HEPZIBAH:
You are my friend (I’m your friend, too, Tommy dear)
Slytherin silver. (Let me look at you, Tommy dear.)
I can’t let go
You’re so warm in my hand… (Oh, skin so soft, so warm, such a man…)
My friends(In my home…)
My only friends… (Always had a fondness for you, I did.)
Wait here, my friends (Shine like the moon, Tommy dear.)
Soon, I’ll unlock you. (Say you’ll visit soon, Tommy dear.)
Soon, I’ll cause terrors (Days like you never have dreamed)
Like I’ve always dreamed (All your life)
All my life (Will be yours…)
With you, my friends. (I’m your friend…)
And soon, I’ll shine (And you’re so beautiful)
Bright as your silver, (It’s as if you’re made for me)
Friends, (Dear Tommy…)
Come and embrace me,
Hug my soul close, friends.

TOM:
At last! My soul need not be complete again!

COMPANY: (Suddenly appearing)
Raise your wand arm high, Voldy
Hear it singing, “YES!�
Turn her rosy skin
To cold, dead flesh!

(Variously)

His voice was soft, his manner mild.
He never laughed, and he seldom smiled.
His dress was neat, and his face was grave.
He never forgot and he never forgave.
Not Voldy.
Not Voldemort.
The psycho Dark Lord of Hogsmeade.


6. Mayfly and Blooming Rose (Green Finch and Linnet Bird)
Tom is contemplating the nature of Horcruxes while looking out his window at the landscape. While some would see the beauty of nature, Tom only sees how inescapably finite life is, and how pathetic it is that some can stand to accept that. This is the hugely shortened version of the song from the 2007 film.

TOM:
Mayfly and blooming rose,
Bumblebee, crocus,
How is it you stay
Straight, proud, and bright with cheer
Knowing that you will
Only live a day?

Outside, the plants are blossoming,
Then they wilt,
Wither, rot, and die.
How can you remain
Settling for death’s pain?
You don’t even try!
How is it you stay,
Everyday?
How is it you stay?

My soul’s in many bits
Tarnished and dark.
Nothing can kill me, even a shark!
Why let death bully me,
Be its captive
When my soul’s much more adaptive?
Mwahahahahaha…

Mayfly and blooming rose
Your sad life’s ending
But I’ll never die!
If I can’t succeed,
Let me try!


7. Headmaster (Johanna)
Tom, now nearly on his way to being Voldemort, has just been turned down for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and is livid with anger. To make this song work, you must pronounce the word ‘kill’ more like ‘keeeel.’)

TOM:
I’ll kill you, Headmaster
I’ll kill you.
I was half-convinced I’d fool you,
I was half-convinced you’d hire me.
Turns out that I’ll have to school you,
Headmaster!

I’ll kill you, Headmaster,
I’ll kill you.
Do you think these walls protect you?
Even now, I’m gaining minions.
Sheltering beneath my pinions…
And they won’t forgive you, so beware!

I’ll kill you, Headmaster
And no one will heal you!
Till you’re huddled, moaning in despair
I’ll be plotting plans, so best beware!


8. Voldemort’s Death Eaters (Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir)
(Wormtail is gathering an assembly of people, trying to recruit new followers for Voldemort. Unfortunately, one woman and her little daughter are less than enthusiastic. The Contest portion of the song is not included because, frankly, I forgot.)

WORMTAIL:
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?
Do you wake every morning with hatred profound
When you see one more Muggleborn skulking around?
Well, here’s something I’ve found.

Dear ladies and gentlemen,
From now on, you can waken at ease!
There’s a man who I know, and he hates Mudbloods, too
And he wants them to die, but he’s counting on you.
Here is a lord you can honour and praise and revere—
And he’s standing right here!

VOLDEMORT:
Come and join Lord Voldemort’s Death Eaters,
Come on, friends of Peter’s,
Don’t be shy.
Can’t be beat, sirs, vengeance will be sweet, sirs
When those filthy Muggleborns all die!

MAN:
Sure, I’ll take the Dark Mark, mister.
I think this is really what I need.

VOLDEMORT:
Come and join Lord Voldemort’s Death Eaters
Evil’s true elite, sirs,
Summons you.
I repeat, sirs, no one can compete, sirs,
I won’t face defeat, sirs, nor will you!

GIRL:
Pardon me, but who’s that ghastly man?

WOMAN:
Someone should put him in Azkaban.

GIRL:
Someone should put him in Azkaban.

WOMAN:
Really, who on earth’s that ghastly man?

VOLDEMORT:
Come and join Lord Voldemort’s Death Eaters
Some call it conceit, sirs,
But I rule.
Hail or sleet, sirs, they’ll kneel at my feet, sirs.
Fans of Rita Skeeter’s think I’m cool.

ANOTHER MAN:
Sure, I’ll take the Dark Mark, mister.

WOMAN:
Who’s that bloke?

GIRL:
Who’s that guy?

WOMAN:
Wish he’d choke.

GIRL:
Wish he’d die!

WOMAN:
Like a snake.

GIRL:
Wouldn’t join him if I were you, mum.

WOMAN:
Get away, you’re his prey!

VOLDEMORT:
Let Lord Voldemort become your master…

GIRL:
You’ll just get killed faster, it’s not wise!

VOLDEMORT:
No, come and join me!

WOMAN:
Come on, use your head, sirs.
You’ll all end up dead, sirs.

VOLDEMORT:
First you guys!

( He kills the woman and girl and stalks off. )



9. Wait (Wait/Ladies In Their Sensitivities)
Voldemort is about to kill the Potters. Snape is urging him to wait, and Wormtail is urging him ahead. This is the Broadway version of Wait and the 2007 film version of Ladies In Their Sensitivies, for no apparent reason.

ALL:
Voldy plotted and Voldy planned
To see the Potters stone cold, ‘e planned.
Barbing the hook, baiting the trap.
He was convinced it would be a snap!

Heard the prophecy, Voldy did.
Listened to what Snape told, ‘e did.
Voldy was fierce, he was obsessed.
Till they were dead, he couldn’t rest, Voldy…

SNAPE:
Wait, my lord.
Are you sure?
Think before you burst
Through that door.
Their side’s got
Dumbledore—wait.

Wait, my lord
Think it through.
One wrong step and
What can you do?
Keep your friends
Close to you— wait.

I’ve been thinking, Master,
Maybe Lily
Could be of use to you.
Think that plan’s wise, Master,
To spare Lily?
Kill the other two.
My lord, wait!

Slow, my lord!
Not too fast.
Think of those who failed
In the past.
For a regime to last—wait.

VOLDEMORT:
You are right,
Snape, my man.
Potters probably
Have some plan.
All good things come to
Those who can wait.

As for Lily, maybe
That’s a plan, Snape.
I don’t know, though.
What do you think?

SNAPE:
Yes!

WORMTAIL:
Excuse me, my lord,
May I request, my lord
Permission, my lord, to speak?
Forgive me if I suggest, my lord
This Potter thing’s got you stressed, my lord.
You have no clue where they rest, my lord.
And if I’m correct, you seek
A secret keeper who’ll speak.

Fear not, though, my lord,
I know their house, my lord
They trust me

VOLDEMORT:
Do they now, Pete?

WORMTAIL:
Thus armed with the knowledge I hold, my lord
The Potters will crumble and fold, my lord.
You need not wait longer, be bold, my lord.
Your victory will be sweet
They’ll bow at your very feet.


10. Total Power (Pretty Women)
Ten years later, Voldemort is living on the back of Quirrel’s head and fixing to steal the stone. Harry enters the dungeon and Voldemort is bent on killing him and re-establishing his position as dark lord. This is the Broadway version of the song.

VOLDEMORT:
You see here a man who seeks eternal life,
My ardent and eager slave.
So be a good boy and fetch the stone
Return me to my own flesh and bone
Or else you’ll die here and die alone,
The dungeon will be your grave.

HARRY:
This looks like too close a shave.

VOLDEMORT:
Your situation grows more dire
Each second that you wait.
It’s true, boy, that I quickly tire
Of not possessing what I require
The stone!

BOTH:
The stone’s what I desire!

HARRY:
For life, right?

VOLDEMORT:
More than life—might!
Power.

HARRY:
Ah, yes, power.

VOLDEMORT:
Total power.
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

HARRY: (To the mirror)
Now, then, my friend
Please do your purpose.
Give me the stone now
While he’s getting carried away…

VOLDEMORT:
Make haste, and if you don’t
You’ll be destroyed by the
Dark lord.

HARRY:
I see myself hold up the Quidditch Cup award.

VOLDEMORT:
Total power
Fascinating…
Every second
Reigning!
Total power
Is a wonder.
Total power!
Killing Muggleborns or
Winning in a duel.
That will be me
When I rule.

QUIRREL:
Total power!

VOLDEMORT:
Mortals cower!

QUIRREL:
Doesn’t bear explaining!

VOLDEMORT:
Rule forever!

QUIRREL:
Strong and mighty.

BOTH:
Total power!
Snuffing out one more life or
Causing mass despair.

VOLDEMORT:
Victory!

VOLDEMORT (With Quirrel in italicized parentheses):
Even when you thought I had vanished (Even when he leaves)
My spirit can still remain (He still)
There, with you (Is there)
There, with you. (He’s there!)

BOTH:
Ahhhh, total power!

QUIRREL:
From that mirror!

VOLDEMORT:
Fetch it now, boy!

QUIRREL:
Boy, you have it!

VOLDEMORT:
Bring it to me!

QUIRREL:
Hurry up, boy!

BOTH:
Quit your foolish feigning.

VOLDEMORT:
Quirrel, take it.
You can get it.
Total power, sir!

VOLDEMORT:
Total power, yes. (Total power, we’ll have)
Total power, sir! (Total power, utter)
Total power. (Total power…)
Total power, sir!

(Quirrel tries to get the stone from Harry and essentially crumbles into dust. Voldemort is none too happy.)


11. Voldemort’s Rant (Epiphany)
A montage of Voldemort’s anger across the next few years, covering the various times that Harry has escaped.

VOLDEMORT:
I had him!
He was right there,
I watched his pain!

Wormtail:
Now, my lord, don’t fret—

VOLDEMORT:
No! I had him!
It isn’t fair
Potter just escaped again!

WORMTAIL:
Wait, my lord
Rest now, rest.
It’s not good for you,
All this stress…

VOLDEMORT:
Why?
Why did I wait?
You told me to wait,
And I lost my chance again!

There’s a hole in the world like a rotting sore
Full of maggots who feed on the festered gore
All encouraged by that old fool, Dumbledore,
But not for long!

That boy deserves to die!
Tell you why, Pettigrew, I’ll tell you why.
Because in all of the whole lesser race, there has never
Been a person who got in my way!
There’s the ones who gave in and switched to my side
And there’s those who would not, and those people died!
Thanks to me, Pettigrew, and thanks to you.

So that boy deserves to die.
‘Cos someone has to, either he or I.
Because Snape overheard a Seer’s prophecy
That someone has to die, and it won’t be me!
That boy deserves to die.
And he’ll never reach adulthood
And he’ll never see his friends again—
Finished!

All right, Potter!
How about a duel?
See how you fare against Lord Voldy!
You, boy! Do, boy!
Welcome back from school!
I will have vengeance…
Annihilation…

Now boy, you boy!
I see you standing there!
Come on, come here!
Voldy’s waiting
To see you bleeding.
You boy—come on, come now!
Potter, now don’t be shy!
Not one man
No, nor ten men
Nor a hundred
Can assuage me
Till I’ve killed you!

And I will get him back
For the things he’s done
And he’ll die in the rubble of the fights he’s won!
And when Potter lies in ashes
So I’ll never see his face again
I’ll be alive at last
And filled with joy!


12. A Little Bill (A Little Priest)
Voldemort has recruited Fenrir Greyback and is questioning him about his dietary habits. Greyback suggests that he would be a great help because he can dispose of Voldemort’s murder victims. This is the much longer Broadway version of this song. I’m terribly sorry that I made both Voldemort and Fenrir say ‘dude.’)

FENRIR
Seems a downright shame...

VOLDEMORT
Shame?

FENRIR
Seems an awful waste...
Such a lot of food
On this dude here... (starts gesturing to random dead bodies)
Here...
Here...
And it can't be traced.
Saves a lot of time
All the proof erased.
Covers up the crime
And the grime
And the pleasure's all mine.

(Voldemort still doesn't get it)

FENRIR
No?
Seems an awful waste...
I mean... human flesh is hard to come by
When you get it
If you get it.

VOLDEMORT
Ah!

FENRIR
Good, you got it...
Thirty years since
I bit Moony and I'm starving
Digging up graves, putting rotting stiffs on toast
And one corpse is good for two or three meals at the most.
And I know they can't compare as far as taste!

VOLDEMORT (AND FENRIR IN ITALICIZED PARENTHESES)
Mr. Greyback!
What a brilliant notion
Eminently practical yet (Well, it does seem a waste!)
Inappropriately creepy!
Mr. Greyback, how I've worked without you (Can I please eat now?)
All these years I'll never know!
How delectable! (Lots of inconvenient bodies)
And how undetectable! (Soon to disapppear away)
How choice! (Won't they?)
How rare! (Think of all the meals!)

VOLDEMORT
Hear the sounds of the war out there?

FENRIR
What's that, my lord?
What's that, my lord?
What is that smell?

VOLDEMORT
Smell blood and carnage pervading the air?

FENRIR
Oh yes, my lord!
Oh yes, my lord!
Go on, do tell!

VOLDEMORT
It's man devouring man, Fenrir!

BOTH
It's just as easy to pull that off here!

(Voldemort mimes handing an imaginary corpse's arm or leg to Fenrir.)

FENRIR:
And what is that?

VOLDEMORT:
It's Bill! Have a little Bill!

FENRIR:
Is it really fresh?

VOLDEMORT:
It's a bloody fresh kill!
And of course he worked with his shirt off a lot
So it's... pretty hot!

FENRIR:
Looks a bit sunburned.

VOLDEMORT:
He frequently sojourned!

FENRIR:
Have you any Wormtail?

VOLDEMORT:
I'd thought you'd have learned!
No, you see, the trouble with Pete
Is, the rats daren't eat
What you spill--
Try the Bill!

FENRIR: (Tasting one and spitting it out)
Moody's pretty bad...

VOLDEMORT:
Just ask Barty's dad!
Eyeball makes a pretty poor stew, too
'Cos it goes right through you...

FENRIR:
Egad!
Have you any Dean?

VOLDEMORT:
No, my friend, that boy is a Mudblood.
You know eating such crud's unclean.

FENRIR:
That sounds rather mean.

VOLDEMORT:
True, but man, that's rather the point of this scene!

FENRIR:
Is that giant
On the dry vent?

VOLDEMORT:
Oh no, Greyback
Not this snack
This one's Sirius Black!

FENRIR:
It's drabber-- more like Crabbe, sir
But I swear that it's giant-- it's rare!

VOLDEMORT:
The history of the world, you see

FENRIR:
Saves a lot of graves, does a lot of morticians favours!

VOLDEMORT:
Involves most everyone yielding to me!

FENRIR:
There's so many victims
In so many flavours!

VOLDEMORT:
How gratifying, for once, to know

BOTH:
That now those corpses have somewhere to go!

VOLDEMORT:
Now, let's see... would you eat Weasley?

FENRIR:
If the portions aren't too measly.

VOLDEMORT:
Granger?

FENRIR:
I've had stranger.

VOLDEMORT:
Ginny?

FENRIR:
Bit too skinny.

VOLDEMORT:
Potter?

FENRIR:
Spiced up hotter.

VOLDEMORT:
Lovegood?

FENRIR: (Mouths silently for a moment trying to find a rhyme for 'Lovegood'.)
...BLAST!

VOLDEMORT: (Getting back into stride)
Lovely bit of Cho!

FENRIR: (Spotting tear stains.)
Far too salty, though.

VOLDEMORT:
Then again, there's Fred--
If you like meat red
That's the way to go!
Try the Dumbledore,
Finest in the store.

FENRIR:
Not a lot of meat.

VOLDEMORT:
Flavour can't be beat.

FENRIR:
Leaves you wanting more.

VOLDEMORT:
Well, it's getting old.

FENRIR:
What's this one here, Vold?

VOLDEMORT:
That one there is Severus Snape, so I'm told.
Snape is not that bad 'till you smell it
And notice how well it's greased-- still
Stick to Bill!
Now! This one's a bit gamy, but then... it's Quidditch player!

FENRIR:
Tastes... Krummy.

VOLDEMORT:
No, wait, it's not Quidditch player, it's the bagpipe player for the Weird Sisters.

FENRIR:
How can you tell?

VOLDEMORT:
It's piping hot!

FENRIR:
Then I'll blow on it first!

VOLDEMORT: (Returning to his song)
The history of the cosmos, dude

FENRIR:
What's that, my lord?
What's that, my lord?
What does it say?

VOLDEMORT:
Is who gets fed and who gets to be food!

FENRIR:
Mostly, my lord
Those who, my lord
Got in your way!

BOTH:
But fortunately, it's also clear
That everyone goes well with butterbeer!

VOLDEMORT:
If Dumbledore doesn't appeal to you, what about... Malfoy?

FENRIR:
No, I can't have rich food. I prefer... anyone from the Ministry of Magic.

VOLDEMORT:
Ministry? With or without... Fudge on top? (Insane gigles from both.)
Oh, and speaking of which...

FENRIR:
What is that?

VOLDEMORT:
Umbridge!
Got it from the fridge!
Though much more than just a small treat
Can taste quite sickly sweet!

FENRIR:
Just a smidge!

VOLDEMORT:
And I've just begun
Scrimgeour, a politician so oily
It's served with a doily--
Have one!

FENRIR:
Put it on a bun.
'Cos you never know if it's going to... run!

VOLDEMORT:
Oh, yes. You never know about the consistency of Minister. You have to keep a close eye on the... Thicknesse! (Cackles)

FENRIR:
Okay, that one just went right over my head.

VOLDEMORT:
Pius Thicknesse. We Imperiused him and set him up as Minister in the last book, remember?

FENRIR:
Oh, right, right, carry on.

VOLDEMORT: (Returning to his song)
Try some Hedwig!

FENRIR: (Making a face)
Tastes like dead pig!

VOLDEMORT:
Well, then, sample some Dobby.

FENRIR:
Too bony and knobby!

VOLDEMORT:
Then Cedric?
Comes with breadsticks!

FENRIR:
Blast, I can't even think of a pun!
I'll come again when you
Have Fleur on the menu!

VOLDEMORT:
Oh, we'll take over the world, Fenrir.

FENRIR:
Yes, yes, I know, my lord!

VOLDEMORT:
We'll take the lives of all Potter holds dear!

FENRIR:
Highborn and low, my lord!

VOLDEMORT:
We'll not discriminate great from small.
No, he'll eat anyone

FENRIR:
Sour or sweet, anyone!

VOLDEMORT:
He'll eat anyone at all!


13. Lightning-Struck Tower (Johanna Reprise)
(Circa Half-Blood Prince, Snape has just killed Dumbledore and sings about how he only does these difficult tasks in memory of Lily, while Voldemort plots to kill Harry as usual and Harry flips out. This is the Broadway version of the song.)

SNAPE:
I’ve killed the Headmaster
I’ve killed him…
He said I must, to protect me.
I watched him fall through the window.
Why did nobody suspect me?
Headmaster…

VOLDEMORT:
Next, Potter…

SNAPE:
You were so beautiful and pale
With dark red hair, like flames.
Someone as beautiful as you
Went off with that prat, James?
That Potter…

VOLDEMORT:
That Potter…

SNAPE:
It’s thanks to me you’re gone, and thanks
To that betrayer, Pete.
You sacrificed your life the night
Of Voldy’s first defeat
For Potter…

VOLDEMORT:
I’ll kill you now, Potter.

SNAPE:
Goodbye now, Lily
You’re gone, were never mine.
That’s fine, though, Lily, that’s fine.

VOLDEMORT:
Die, Potter!

HARRY:
There! There!
Sign of the Dark Lord!
Sign of the Dark Lord!
Lightning-struck tower!
Snape! Snape!
See him run past where he fell
Why will nobody run and tell?
Dark Mark burns like the fires of hell!
Lightning-struck tower!
Lightning-struck tower!
Stop him! Stop him!
Stop him…

SNAPE:
Inside me, I still hear your voice,
I hear it urge me on.
It’s what caused me to make this choice
To help him, though you’re gone.
Help Potter…

LILY’S VOICE: (Only heard by Snape)
You will have your reward someday
You’ll see me someday…

VOLDEMORT:
I’ll kill you.

SNAPE:
And in those nights, when blinded by
A grudge I can’t forget.
It’s Lily who relieves the blow
Of every last regret.
Like Potter.

LILY’S VOICE: (Only heard by Snape)
I know you’ll be with me someday
Be with me someday…

SNAPE:
So I’ll save Potter

VOLDEMORT:
Die, Potter!

SNAPE:
Because you’d wish me to.
I see your face in each star.

VOLDEMORT:
When your life ends, Potter, I’ll be there.

SNAPE:
Each shining star…

HARRY:
There! There!
Somebody, somebody, look up there
Didn’t I tell you to beware?
Lightning-struck tower!
Quick, quick, run and tell
Warn ‘em all of Snape’s evil spell.
There he goes, there he goes
Put him in a cell.
Tell it to the teachers and the kids as well.
Tell ‘em, tell ‘em
Help! Fiend!
Lightning-struck tower!
Lightning-struck tower!
Stop him… stop him… stop him…
Fiend!
Snape, Snape…

SNAPE:
And though I’ll think of you, I guess
Until the day I die,
The pain I feel grows more, not less,
As every day goes by.
Curse Potter.

VOLDEMORT:
Curse Potter!

LILY’S VOICE: (Only heard by Snape)
You’ll be beside me on some day
Be with me someday.

SNAPE:
His eyes are almond-shaped and green
And look too much like yours.
His face is James at age sixteen,
Makes hate seep from my pores
For Potter!

VOLDEMORT:
I’ll kill you now, Potter.

LILY’S VOICE: (Only heard by Snape)
You’ll see me someday,
You’ll see me someday.

SNAPE:
I wake up, Lily,
To one more dark, cold day
As I try madly to say
Goodbye…
Goodbye…


14. God, We’re Bad (Good That’s Good)
We’ve just seen the aftermath of Dumbledore’s death—here’s a flashback to about a year before, when Voldemort came back to power and he and Wormtail actually formulated said plan. This is the incredibly truncated 2007 film version of the song.

WORMTAIL:
Ladies and gentlemen,
May I have your attention, please?
Did you think you were lying there safe in your beds
Untroubled by worries or fears, doubts or dreads?
Then watch our for your heads.
‘Cos, ladies and gentlemen,
Soon your warm-flowing blood will all freeze
From the terror inspired by what you’ll soon see
When you meet my friend here, so just listen to me.
Ladies and gentlemen, you can’t imagine the horror in store
When he steps through this door!

VOLDEMORT:
Now Lord Voldemort is back in power
Lesser mortals cower
At the sight!
Blood will shower
It’s my finest hour
Buds of fear will flower
Here tonight!
Wormtail?

WORMTAIL:
Coming! Sorry?

VOLDEMORT:
Kill him.

WORMTAIL:
Yes, lord.

VOLDEMORT:
Quick, now.
Let’s go visit Harry
See how he’s been keeping
Am I looking scary?

WORMTAIL:
Yes, lord.

VOLDEMORT:
Just what I’m going for.
Get him when he’s sleeping
So he’s not too wary…
Wormtail! Potter escaped again!

What’s our plan now?

WORMTAIL:
Frankly, lord, we haven’t got one!

VOLDEMORT:
What, no plan now?
Well, how can that be?
It’s like coming
Home from hunting when you’ve shot none
Being stuck like this is not fun…

If we still can’t
Manage to kill Harry Potter
Might as well just
Do in Dumbledore.
Watch the boy stew,
Watch his temper shoot up hotter
Catch him when he’s off guard—
And then! Blood and gore
Is in store!

VOLDEMORT (and Wormtail in italicized parentheses)
We’ll plot and conspire (We’ll form a plan)
Come up with some mad scheme. (Just like Guy Fawkes)
I’m ascending higher, Only that guy
Wormtail, I am a mastermind. Ended up dead in a box.
This is like a bad dream, But you’re the man
Things are looking dire…We’ll form a great plan!
Wormtail! Potter escaped again!


15. By The Sea
(Voldemort’s at his second peak at the end of Deathly Hallows when everyone thinks Harry’s dead. Bellatrix, smitten, suggests a holiday together to the seaside and fantasizes about it.)

BELLATRIX:
Ooh, yes, my lord.
I’m so happy!
I could eat you up, I really could.
You know what I’d like to do now, my lord?
Now that boy’s really dead and life is good?
Where I’d really like to go
In a week or so?
Don’t you want to know?
Tell me, don’t you want to know?

By the seaside, my lord
That’s the life I covet.
By the seaside, my lord
You and I would love it!
You and me, Dark Lord V,
We could be alone
‘Cept for servants to shine your throne
Down by the sea!

VOLDEMORT:
Anything you say…

BELLATRIX:
Wouldn’t that be smashing?
With the sea gushing foam
Like a burst aorta
Lapping up by our home,
Come on, Voldemort, a
Couple nights on a trip,
Just a short vacation,
Gets your mind off world domination.

By the sea…
Couples dancing, leaping.
By the sea,
Kill ‘em when they’re sleeping.
Down by the sea…

VOLDEMORT:
Anything you say,
Anything you say.

BELLATRIX:
I can see us waking
The cowards quaking
As we come walking through-oo.
Our bloodthirst slaking
Kill people gawking at you-oo
Yoo-hoo!

We’ll leave their bones on the esplanade,
Have tea and scones that our servants made.
Then I’ll kill a few ducks
While you make a Horcrux
We’ll spend a few million bucks, too-oo!

VOLDEMORT:
Anything you say…

BELLATRIX:
Think how snug it’ll be
Underneath our flannel
Dump the corpses’ debris
In the English Channel.
And because we can get
A mite homicide-y
We’ll have killing sprees every Friday.
By the sea…

VOLDEMORT:
Anything you say…

BELLATRIX:
Don’t you love the weather?
By the sea…
Rule the world together
By the seaside, ooh-ooh!
By the beautiful sea!

(spoken) I can’t wait to go visit the Red Sea off the coast!

VOLDEMORT:
The Red Sea isn’t off the coast of England.

BELLATRIX:
Well, it isn’t red yet!
(Sung)
It’ll be so quiet--
Those who come by it
Will soon be killed by you-oo!
Yes, we should try it
So much more blood spilled by two-oo!

And a seaside wedding could be devised
Our evil union legitimized.
Who cares about Roddy?
I’m mad for your body!
I think you’re a hottie,
I do-oo!

By the sea, on the beach
Spearing folks like kippers
With the odd paying guest
From the weekend trippers.
Have a nice sunny suite
For the guest to rest in
And in the evening, we’ll do the guest in!

By the sea!
Joyous and love-smitten.
By the sea!
We’ll kill half of Britain!
By the seaside, ooh-ooh!
By the beautiful sea


16. Not This Time Around (Not While I’m Around)
Now that he thinks Harry’s dead, Voldemort gloats and announces his victory to those assembled. He does not count on Harry showing up. This is the version of the song from the 2007 film.

VOLDEMORT:
No one’s gonna save you
Not this time around.
No one’s gonna save you
Oh no, not this time around.
Death Eaters, prowlin’ everywhere nowadays.
They’ll send you howlin’ if you don’t bow in praise.

No one’s gonna beat me
No one’s gonna try.
Potter can’t defeat me
Face it, I’m not just your average guy.

You may object in fierce denial
For awhile
Call it crime.
But you can’t stop me.
Not this time around.

Not to worry, not to worry,
Just surrender, no need to be dumb.
Beg for mercy—Bill, George, Percy.
Don’t be one more block to overcome.
Or I’ll kick your bum.

Being noble, brave, and daring
Won’t help you survive.
I would never think of sparing
Anybody’s lives.
Like some…

No one’s gonna save you
Not this time around.
No one’s gonna save you, oh no
Not this time around…

(Harry suddenly appears.)

HARRY:
Now just observe those imbeciles’
Fading smiles
Like quicklime!
Nothing’s gonna harm you…
Not while I’m around!


17. Finale
(Harry enters the Great Hall. Voldemort still doesn’t know he’s there, and he’s continuing to gloat, as in the last number, but Harry knows better. Based on the Broadway musical version of the finale.)

VOLDEMORT:
Oh, total power…

HARRY:
Total power, gone.

VOLDEMORT:
It’s mine now, it’s mine now.

HARRY:
Total power, total power.
Draining slowly,
Total power.

VOLDEMORT (AND HARRY IN ITALICIZED PARENTHESES):
Total power (What he’ll do for total power)
Killing one more Mudblood (There is no one more you’ll kill)
Or winning in a duel (You won’t win this duel, Riddle)
Even when I leave (Even though you thought I had vanished)
I still am there (I’m back, Riddle, and I’m here)

BOTH:
I’m there!

(All the following is spoken.)

DENNIS:
It’s Harry!

VOLDEMORT:
No, it can’t be.

HARRY:
Can’t it?

VOLDEMORT:
What? You’re supposed to be dead!

HARRY:
Am I not? Riddle, the years have changed you… but then, the face, the name of a scared little boy sitting in an orphanage is hardly memorable, is it?

VOLDEMORT:
Harry Potter?

HARRY:
Harry Potter!

(The following is sung. Harry surveys the dead bodies lying around the room, knowing that he’ll very soon have to fight Voldemort and wondering if he won’t manage to come back from the dead this time.)

HARRY:
Rest here, my friends
Soon, I may see you…
Sleep now, the untroubled sleep of the angels…

CHORUS OF GHOSTS:
Raise your wand arm high, Harry,
It’s the Elder Wand!
End his sorry life and break
Your lifelong bond!

(The following is spoken.)

VOLDEMORT:
Narcissa—you knew… From the moment you bent down beside him, you knew he lived!

NARCISSA:
And if he didn’t, then neither would my son. Most people treasure love over loyalty. Why should I be any different? And why would you expect anything but betrayal and treachery from a Slytherin.

VOLDEMORT:
You lied to me.

The following is sung, with Voldemort performing his short part simultaneously with Harry’s.

HARRY:
That’s what Slyth’rins do
What you’ve always done
I can be a Slytherin, too—
You’re not the only one.
Foul thing.
I played dirty just to get here
Been destroying Horcruxes for the past year
I should be afraid right now
But strangely, I feel no fear.
Foul thing.
Not just prophecies from a Seer
Will help me to defeat you
It’s been in me all along.
I’ll defeat you!

VOLDEMORT:
Potter has returned again…
Potter, what is this?

HARRY:
Mr. Riddle, you’re a bloody wonder
And I mean this lit’rally but also metaphorically.
Don’t you know your history?
Why don’t you learn from fallen dark lords past?

HARRY (WITH VOLDEMORT IN ITALICIZED PARENTHESES):
Now I’m here again (How’d he do it?)
And it’s growing clear again (Everything I did, I swear, undone by Potter and his friends)
I’ll have your head (But it’s me, I won’t be stopped by Harry)

The history of the world, now Tom (Now Potter just, please Potter, get on with the fight!)
Is, love is stronger than gunfire or bombs. (I won’t wait Potter, now, and you cannot stop me)
And you can never kill that, Tom, dear (You, stop me? I’m immortal, nothing can top me)
But you keep fighting it…
Just keep fighting it
He’ll (I’ll) keep fighting it
In here!

Voldemort shoots his Avada Kedavra at Harry, Elder Wand causes it to rebound, Harry lives, Voldemort dies, you know the drill. Harry drops to the ground from shock and exhaustion.)

HARRY:
There was a wizard and his wife
And they were beautiful.
They died to save their baby’s life
And they were beautiful.
He went to fight for them
And he… still lives…

CHORUS:
Voldemort, Voldemort
Lying dead
There on the ground, right there
Lifeless and cold, looking weak and old.
Take him and burn him
Or chuck him in the bin
And let a new tyranny-free lifetime begin!

(Ghosts spill out into the Great Hall, all people who died at the hands of Voldemort and his Death Eaters, and begin to sing. We realize that the opening number of the musical took place in this exact same setting and things have now come full-circle.)

HARRY:
Attend the tale of Voldemort!

LILY AND JAMES:
His heart was cold and his temper short.

DUMBLEDORE:
At first, Tom seemed just like other men

MOODY:
But never there after was heard of again.

CEDRIC:
Except, as many tales purport,

ALL:
As Voldemort
The psycho dark lord of Hogsmeade.

SIRIUS:
His reign of terror lasted long.

FRED:
Immortalized in this spoof through song.

DOBBY:
But now he’s finished at Harry’s hand
And freedom and mercy will flood through the land.

ALL:
Farewell now, Lord Voldemort
You psycho dark lord of Hogsmeade.

SNAPE:
Raise your wand arm high, Voldy
Hold it to the skies!

LUPIN AND TONKS:
But you’ll never beat the love that never dies!

ALL:
His plans were cruel, his deeds were vile.
He hardly ever took time to smile.
And through his life, from birth to grave,
He never forgot and he never forgave.
But now he’s gone, the Times report
Is Voldemort, the psycho dark lord of Hogsmeade.

(Variously)

Voldy’s splitting his soul apart
Voldy’s hardening up his heart.
Dreaming up schemes, plotting for years,
Hearing the voices that no one else hears.

Voldy’s standing outside your door,
Voldy waits on the second floor.
Voldy will come, Voldy will find you
Isn’t that Voldy there behind you?

Voldy will come, Voldy will find you
Isn’t that Voldy there behind you?
Voldy’s splitting his soul apart
Voldy’s hardening up his heart.
Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemort!

VOLDEMORT: (Entering suddenly)
Attend the tale of Voldemort!

ALL:
Attend the tale of Voldemort!

VOLDEMORT:
A truly dreadful and nasty sort!

ALL:
A truly dreadful and nasty sort!

DUMBLEDORE:
You cannot run from death, my dear
But everyone tries to, and none come as near
As Voldy.

ALL:
As Voldemort
The psycho dark lord of Hogsmeade!