Shiver



They stretched out over an ocean of limitless years, each one highlighting a wholly separate time in their lives. Some were happier than others, but with things as chaotic and uncertain as they were, he cherished each individual one.

He turned from the moon-lit window and peered down at the bed, remembering. It seemed like ages ago, but felt like yesterday.


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i. Trouble.


The first was a boyish joke, a third-year celebratory gesture laced in a laughter and an innocence that would be stolen from them all in a few short years. But then, in that moment, nothing existed but the wooden crate of butterbeer at their feet.

“I am— Merlin, how did we— Remus! I can’t believe you—�

“Stop sputtering, Sirius, it’s unbecoming.�

“He’s right though, Remus,� whispered James, awe-struck and wide-eyed. “Of the four of us, I hadn’t thought… I mean, you were… bleeding mental, you were…�

“Why, because I actually went through with the plan? You know what would have been even more mental, don’t you? Sitting there like we were for much longer, easy targets for Rosemerta’s merciless wrath, that’s what.�

The plan of which Remus spoke had been simple enough in concept, but anything but in practice. They were to use their newly-discovered hidden passage into Hogsmeade to kidnap a few of Madam Rosemerta’s finest butterbeer. Peter was to stay at the passage’s Hogwarts opening, keeping a lookout in case anyone approached. Remus was to accompany James and Sirius to the cellar end of the tunnel and hold the heavy iron-hinged door open so the Tart Twins could run off with the goods uninhibited.

But that was where the plan went awry. James, in the dark, had tripped on an upturned nail as he scurried across the floor, causing quite a racket that was probably heard as far as Oxford. Five seconds later, as James lay wounded and scared on the floor, heavy footsteps hammered along the ceiling.

“JAMES!� Sirius half-whispered, half-screamed, “The invisibility cloak! Hurry!�

James hurriedly dug in his robes, but Remus hissed, “And what good’ll that do us, you sodding bleeding idiot?!�

And without another word, Remus had scrambled across the floor, shoved James painfully back down the passage where Sirius still stood stupidly still and paralyzed, single-handedly lifted an entire crate of butterbeer, and whisked down after James. Inside, he had whispered hurried enchantments to make their passageway soundproof before locking the bolt and turning sharply on his friends.

“And you’re supposed to be the experts?� he’d chastised pointedly.

In light of this, it was no wonder Sirius and James were still in a state of complete and utter shock.

“We would have perished without you,� Sirius whispered faintly, heart still pounding erratically despite the fact that they were safely secured in their collective bedroom.

“I never believed I’d live to hear you say that, Sirius,� Peter chuckled darkly.

James merely continued to stare straight ahead in horror, reliving his near-death experience. “She would have Crucio’d me, you do realize,� he muttered, barely audible.

Remus was deeply amused but fought to hide it. He couldn’t have his friends thinking he actually enjoyed these thoughtless endeavors.

“You ought to make them repay you somehow,� Peter suggested to Remus as he cracked open the lid of the crate.

“Well, I accept cash and all major credit cards.�

“What’s a credit card?� James asked, finally coming out of his reverie.

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s— God, never mind. Could we please just get on with it? Wasn’t the whole purpose of this nonsense to get you two codgers smashed?�

James snorted lightly. “Well, not sure that’ll happen on butterbeer, mate, but good looking out.�

“Err…� Peter began, staring absently down at the opened crate. “How about on Firewhiskey?�

Sirius’ and James’ heads snapped up. “What?�

All three crowded around Peter, elbows shoving other elbows out of the way, as they peered down at the simple wooden box that suddenly seemed to hold every one of Sirius’ and James’ dreams and aspirations.

“My God,� Remus whispered after a long, astonished silence. “I’ve stolen Pandora’s Box.�

At that moment, James erupted in joyous laughter and quite literally fell to the floor in a fit of hysterics. Peter grinned broadly, eyes still wide with shock as he continued to examine the labels on the bottles, making sure he simply wasn’t having a hallucination.

“SIRIUS,� James coughed, rolling about like a potato bug, “SIRIUS! OUR FIRST FIREWHISKEYS, SIRIUS! HAHAHAHA!�

Sirius’ eyes landed on Remus. His face was simply stunned, and Remus felt he knew what was coming next. He braced himself.

Sure enough, it began with one corner. Just one. But when that one corner of his mouth tugged upward, his entire face lit up. His usually stormy eyes glistened with unabashed, boyish giddiness, and his cheeks flushed with excitement as he stood to full height.

“I could kiss you!� he hollered breathlessly, his voice almost drowned out by James’ incessant laughter. “Right now! I could! — Oh sweet Merlin, it’s beautiful,� he babbled on, glancing back down at the alcohol like it was his firstborn child. “I mean, I usually don’t on the first date, Remus, you ought to know that about me upfront, but what you’ve done… I— I think you might have given an angel its wings.�

Remus blinked.

“Well what are we waiting for then?!� Peter yelled, plucking two corked bottles from the crate. “James! Get off your arse!�

James jumped up and snatched a bottle from Peter’s outstretched hand, clinking it to the one he’d handed Sirius. “To Remus!�

“To Remus!� Peter repeated, nearly bouncing with excitement.

Remus was about to add a word of caution and regret when his vision was suddenly obscured by a mass of black, silky hair. Not half a millisecond later, he found that Sirius’ lips were pressed firmly to his, both his hands roughly cupping Remus’ shocked face.

Sirius pulled away with a smack, grinning widely at his friend and lifting his bottle high in the air. “TO REMUS!� he screamed, before jumping on the bed and joining James in a celebratory jig.

Remus swayed on the spot, his eyes staring sightlessly ahead of him. His face was even more pale than usual, and the utter astonishment it exuded was very nearly palpable.

Peter turned on him, Firewhiskey in hand. He jostled it in front of Remus’ ghostly white face. “I’ll take a guess and assume you refuse to have one out of sheer principle and… and other Remusish bollocks?�

Remus came out of his haze. His hand rose to touch his lips, and when he found them sore and still burning with contact, he blinked once more in amazement and said, “Actually, I think I’ll take two.�

---

ii. All These Things That I’ve Done.


The second was an apology, but still an excuse, and existed only the realm of impossibilities— things Sirius, even with all his boldness and valor, knew he’d never have the courage to do.

Or so he’d thought.


Sirius stepped cautiously around the corner of the pitch, heart pounding furiously. He saw him immediately— sitting silently in the bleachers, legs crossed, hands folded, head hung.

Sirius’ stomach dropped. Despite his carefully-placed confidence, Sirius had always struggled with feelings of inadequacy and displacement. But never, in all his sixteen years, had he ever hated himself more than he did in this moment.

His hands flexed repeatedly. Nerves. But his feet carried him, as always, to his next greatest collapse. Slowly, warily, he made his way around the benches, upward, to his oncoming impossibility.

When Sirius reached him, Remus didn’t look up. His head still hung between slouched shoulders and his hair shielded his eyes. Sirius didn’t know if he’d be able to handle it if he saw his eyes.

He stood there, quietly, shifting weight from foot to foot, for three whole, long minutes. When he needed it the most, his talent to speak in wise, charming eloquences failed him.

He felt his muscles freeze in place and then quiver with anxiety, over and over. If he spoke, he’d force Remus to give a reaction. And he was mortified, more than anything else had ever mortified him, of Remus being unable to forgive him.

“I hate that bleeding map,� Remus whispered abruptly, his voice low and rough.

Sirius tensed again.

“You can always find me, even when I don’t want to be found.�

Sirius swallowed hard. His hands shook at his sides. “Moony, I… I can’t tell you how…� he paused, momentarily unable to overcome the lump in his throat. “It wasn’t meant to go the way it did, I… I let Snape get to me, I didn’t consider… I never meant…�

Sirius stopped, closing his eyes hard, knowing he was mucking it all up beyond repair. He tried to steady his nerves, and his hands, but neither would listen.

“I’m sorry, Moony,� he tried again, his voice sincere and uncharacteristically meek. It made Remus lift his head and look directly into Sirius’ eyes, and when he did, Sirius froze.

Remus’ eyes were red and anguished, completely vulnerable and afraid, and Sirius had never seen such raw pain in his life.

“The odd thing is… I’m not even that angry with you,� Remus muttered quietly. “I don’t hate you for it. I couldn’t.� A soft, ironic snort. He looked away. “Funny, isn’t it. And yet not at all. Because in the end, it’s got nothing to do with you.�

Sirius felt his heart stop mid-beat. A distressed sob pushed forcefully at the back of his throat, and he felt the entire world crash at his feet. He knew what this was. He knew Remus too well not to know what this was. This was self-blame. This was self-hatred.

No, Remus, he thought desperately, his mouth going dry. God, don’t do this. Anything but this, please.

It was so much worse. So much worse than Sirius’ greatest fear. Remus would blame himself. Oh, God, he should have known.

Sirius fell to his knees and gripped Remus’ arms tightly, never releasing his eye contact. “Don’t you dare, do you hear me? Remus, I— my God, I will— please, don’t—�

“There is… no doubt you behaved like a moron,� said Remus quietly, barely audible over the light wind now whipping through his hair.

“Yes!� Sirius yelped, clutching to Remus harder. “That’s exactly it, Moony, I was a moron, I didn’t think about what it would mean for you, I didn’t think at all— when do I ever?� he joked darkly, trying and failing to force a barking laugh.

Remus, however, didn’t appear to have heard a word of it. He dropped his gaze away and returned to staring at his threadbare jumper sleeves. “But it wouldn’t have mattered… that’s just you, who you are, who you’ve always been, and you wouldn’t have to change yourself if I was just… if I wasn’t what I am.�

The lump in Sirius’ throat returned without mercy at the hollowed sound of Remus’ voice. His heart pushed searing blood through his veins, but now it was out of panic. “No, no no no, Moony— MOONY!� he shouted now, the fear rising, the desperation peaking, “Look at me!�

Remus obeyed, but it was like Sirius was hit across the face with bricks. Tears were welled in Remus’ eyes, building an incandescent line along his lower lid; his mouth was parted, lips shaking nearly as hard as Sirius’ hands.

“Remus,� Sirius whispered agonizingly, shifting closer to him. “Remus… no. No. There is nothing wrong with you. None of this has anything to do with you in the slightest, if I hadn’t been such a horrible frie—�

“Sirius,� Remus interjected softly, his quietness cutting across Sirius like razors, “you are a good friend. A fantastic friend. You are the reason I have friends at all. Who else would have stayed with me once they— once they found out? Once they knew.�

“Moony, that’s—�

“It is the point. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t belong here, Sirius. I am possibly the most dangerous person in the castle. I threaten everyone’s lives every single month. I nearly killed someone last night. Or worse… nearly turned him into me.� He paused, brows knitting together. “Have you any idea what that feels like? Knowing you would willingly take someone’s life if they happened to cross your path at the wrong place, at the wrong time? I’ve just… been fooling myself. This whole time, I’ve been fooling myself. But not anymore. I won’t do that to anyone, not even Snape, ever again.�

The panic was in full-force now, gripping Sirius’ every nerve so that he didn’t even notice the hot tears gliding freely down his cheeks.

He knew, as he watched tears leak from Remus’ own eyes, that he would never forgive himself for this. Never. As long as he lived. But he could not— refused— to let Remus do this to himself.

His voice trembled when he spoke, but finally, his words came to him. “You are,� he began slowly, moving his hands to cup Remus’ face so that he couldn’t look away from him, “the most astonishingly clever person I have ever known, Remus. You are mind-boggling. So I cannot fathom how it is that you don’t see that none of this speaks to who, or what, you are.�

Remus’ face crumpled in pain, tears flowing more steadily.

“You forget that you didn’t choose this for yourself,� Sirius went on, praying with all his might that he was getting through, “and you also forget to appreciate how remarkably you handle being something that— that you didn’t get a vote in. I know what that’s like, in a way. I didn’t get to choose what I am either. I didn’t get a vote in being a Black, in being born into…� he trailed off, knowing Remus understood. “I get you, Remus. So please,� his voice cracked, “please trust me when I tell you that… you belong here more than any of us. You are a good person and you deserve to be here. You need to be here, because I… Remus, I— I need you to be here.�

Remus said nothing, but closed his eyes and fought to avoid sobbing at Sirius’ words.

“I will fix it, I promise I’ll fix it,� Sirius vowed, meaning it more than he’d ever meant anything in his life. “Whatever it takes, I’ll do it. Just… God, Remus, just please don’t blame yourself. I can’t imagine—� again, his voice caught, “—I can’t imagine what I’d do if you went on blaming yourself for my mistake. My mistake,� he repeated, giving his friend’s shoulders a light shake.

Remus opened his eyes and let them rest on Sirius’. Both boys’ were swollen and excruciating.

After a long pregnant silence, during which Sirius did not exhale, Remus drew a long, deep breath and placed his hand atop Sirius’, which was still cupping his face.

Then he nodded and offered a wobbly smile, but a smile nonetheless. On some level, Sirius’ words had sunk in.

Sirius felt his heart lurch with relief, but still couldn’t tear his eyes away. He didn’t trust that he’d made penance for his immense failure as a friend.

His mind raced for something more to say, anything to drive his point home, anything to keep Remus’ eyes from looking at him like that ever again. Anything to make Remus truly believe him.

Remus sighed heavily and let go of Sirius’ hand. He looked as if he were about to stand, as if the situation were temporarily resolved, but Sirius suddenly found that his body was going to act on its own, devoid of rational thought.

Without thinking, he pushed Remus’ shoulders back down, forcing him to stay seated. Remus looked at him with a puzzled expression, but Sirius almost thought he spotted a hint of disbelief and understanding in his eyes.

Placing one hand at the back of Remus’ neck, and keeping the other on his shoulder, Sirius leaned forward, only dropping Remus’ gaze at the very last second when he instead focused on his lips.

Hesitantly, hands trembling, Sirius pressed his lips to Remus’ mouth.

He waited, but Remus was rigid beneath him. A sinking sensation gripped Sirius’ stomach and he began to pull back.

But suddenly, Remus reached out and clutched Sirius’ shirt, fisting the fabric in both his hands. Sirius smiled, his first true smile in months— maybe even years— and leaned in again, kissing Remus gently.

Remus gasped, utterly unable to believe what was happening, unable to believe who was touching him like this.

Sirius parted his mouth and Remus instinctively followed suit. Sirius couldn’t believe it, didn’t trust himself to believe it, but braced Remus closer to him, pulling him nearer with the hand he’d placed on his neck. When his tongue slipped into Remus’ warm mouth, he couldn’t help but gasp too, and when Remus’ tongue ran shyly along his, tasting him, all remaining thought fled his mind completely.

Goosebumps raced down both boys’ spines and up their tingling arms. They kissed slowly, softly, neither willing to break the contact… neither willing to give up that which both had tried to deny they’d wanted for countless years.


It was unfortunate— heartbreaking, perhaps— that after it was all over, they both went back to denying it. More forcefully than ever.

It was unfortunate— and most definitely heartbreaking— that after the Snape ordeal was all over, they both had created more questions for themselves than answers.


What would follow in the coming year, however, would be a good deal less unfortunate.