She has stormed out of my life, again.

I know she’ll be back, though. She always comes back.

But it’s the fourth time that she’s done that and every time, it’s exactly the same. That worries me.

I’ll talk to her; I’ll make a suggestion, and then her eyes change. They change from her eyes, her beautiful, caring, captivating eyes, to those of someone hard and unfeeling. They don’t suit her.

And then she’ll stand. Her hands will clench and she’ll regard me with those hard, glittering eyes that don’t belong to her. And then she’ll run. And God knows where, or who, she runs to. But, whatever it is, or whoever it is, it’s not me.

As much as I hate myself for saying it, I resent her for it.

Maybe.

.-.-.-.

I’m in my favourite, most secluded corner of the library. It’s the place I go to when I can’t be interrupted and I can’t stand to be in contact with another person. It’s my thinking place, clichéd as that sounds.

And thus, I think. There is only one thought in the forefront of my mind:

Sirius Black is the most frustrating and despicable creature on this planet!

This, of course, must be the reason that I’m seeing him.

In secret, no less.

I’ve kept our secret for five long, agonizing months – ever since the second week of our last year.

It was his idea to keep our relationship clandestine. He wanted to protect his best friend, James Potter, from being destroyed by the news that Sirius was dating his, and I quote, “one true love.�

I scoffed at the offered reason, but Sirius was insistent. So, I played along at first, but then I began to revel in the secrecy. It was thrilling to meet him surreptitiously, after hours.

Perhaps it was the danger and the mystery that attracted me to him, because goodness knows that it wasn’t his practicality.

After a few months, though, the secret became burdensome. I had to make excuses to dear friends as to why I couldn’t go to Hogsmeade with them. I had to make more excuses as to why I kept coming back several hours late from finishing my prefect duties.

And yet Sirius insisted that everything be kept under wraps.

The last straw came when he refused to even make eye-contact with me in the hall.

I told him this, and then I left.

I’ve done that four times.

Why do I keep going back?

.-.-.

I’ve always loved her.

I’m not an idiot like James, who, if he could find a way, would shout his devotions to her from the rooftops. By contrast, I admired her from afar.

Ever since I first laid eyes on her, she was the metaphorical breath of fresh air.

She’s always had beauty, grace, charm, wit…in short, everything.

I’m afraid that I’ve idealised her, making her out to be some bastion of perfection. But, deep down, I know that she is perfect. I’ve never seen her make a mistake or treat someone wrongly. And with regards to physical attributes, as James has so painfully pointed out so many times, she is also perfect.

Does walking out on my suggestion make her any less perfect?

Absolutely not.

Maybe she sees an error deep within my suggestion that I’m blind enough not to see.

That must be it.

Because Lily is perfect.

In every imaginable way.

She is the perfect girl for me.

I love her.

.-.-.

Sirius is a wonderful friend, don’t get me wrong. He’s funny, he’s intelligent, he cares deeply for people, and he certainly isn’t an eyesore.

Romantically, though, he has all the sense of a troll.

I don’t understand him.

Don’t all adolescent males want to flaunt the fact that they gave a girl on their arm?

Why doesn’t he?

Oh, right. Protecting James’ delicate feelings. Of course!

I suppose that James is more important to him than I am. His feelings seem more important than mine.

In all honesty, I am sick of doing things for James’ sake.

It’s our relationship – let’s do things for us.

.-.-.

James and I have been friends since the day we met. It was before we started school, and I don’t really remember where or when we met, but we were friends.

He is one of the most honest and caring people that I know and, in light of my family, I treasure such qualities.

The last thing that I would ever want to do is to betray that friendship. He’s practically my family now. His parents even informally adopted me over the summer.

That is why I can’t let him know about Lily and me – she is the girl of his dreams. He would think that I’ve stolen her from him.

But I haven’t. She doesn’t want to date him, she wants to date me.

And if James ever found out, I would lose my truest friend.

It’s not that I prefer James to Lily – they are completely separate and ought to remain so. The fewer my emotions for the two conflict, the better.

That’s why our relationship has to be a secret.

I can’t lose James.

.-.-.

I think that I’ve calmed down enough to give Sirius a piece of my mind. I will do so coolly and rationally, without excessive emotion.

It’s only fair that we should at least acknowledge our relationship. I’m not asking for love sonnets over breakfast, but holding hands in the hallway would be a welcome change.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

I love Sirius, I really do. I just wish that he felt the same way about me.

Do I embarrass him? Is that why he wants the relationship to be a secret?

Surely James’ feelings aren’t so delicate as to require such secrecy. Shocked as he would be to realise that Sirius and I are dating, he’d recover. I doubt that his ego would even be dented much.

I can’t live a double life like this; it’s tearing me apart on the inside that I don’t know his true motives. Maybe he’s caved into family pressure at last and is ashamed to be dating a Muggleborn.

Oh God.

What if that’s true?

What would I do if he refuses to break the secret?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know at all.

I love Sirius and I hope he listens to what I have to say.

.-.-.

Maybe I haven’t made myself clear enough to Lily.

Maybe she’s confused.

Maybe she doesn’t understand that I would be utterly damned if I lost my friendship with James.

I would have no family, no friends to turn to.

I would have her, though.

I would have the perfect girl.

Damn it!

Why can’t I have Lily and James? Why can’t I have them both?

If I had to chose, who would it be?

Oh God.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know at all.

I have to talk to her.

.-.-.

I’ve left my haven in the library and am off in search of Sirius. He shouldn’t be too hard to find, though. I left him half an hour ago near the edge of the lake.

I doubt he’s strayed very far.

The halls are quiet this afternoon. Many are in class and many others are studying – a typical day. It is a strange feeling, though, walking alone through the usually crowded halls.

Once outside, under the rather cloudy sky, I’m gratified to see that my prediction was correct; Sirius is sitting almost exactly where I left him.

I hesitate before I begin my way towards him – he appears to be very much in thought. His face is pensive and his chin is resting on his knees. His eyes are staring straight ahead towards the lake, but they aren’t focused on the water; rather, they seemed to be focused on something far away.

I feel slightly guilty about interrupting, but I walk towards him anyway.

What I have to say is important.

.-.-.

Despite the clouds, the lake is calm today.

Quite unlike my mind, which is frantically scurrying about for a way to explain everything to Lily. She deserves to know.

And once she knows, she’ll accept why this is a secret.

My only problem: finding a way to say it.

I’m afraid that I’ll stumble over my words and end up making a fool out of myself. I’m afraid of accidentally insulting her in some way because I am trying to rush an explanation.

This is almost impossible to explain - should I write it down and give it to her in a letter? That would be the easiest way. It would be quick, painless, and perfectly planned. It would be easy for her to understand and I could outline my points and reach my desired conclusion in a straightforward manner, without any emotional interruptions.

A letter would be perfect.

Oh God.

She’s coming this way.

I don’t have a letter.

Oh God.

.-.-.

I was saved from interrupting him because he turned his head towards me.

Thank goodness; I really didn’t want to interrupt.

He doesn’t look happy to see me, though. On the contrary, he looks frightened. His eyes nearly doubled in size and it seemed as if he stopped breathing for a moment.

I’m concerned now.

I increase my pace and reach where he’s sitting in a matter of seconds. I kneel next to him and ask, “Sirius, what’s wrong?�

His eyes are still wide and scared. “Nothing,� he replies. He shakes his head as if to clear it and mutters, “I’m fine, Lily.�

He never really was that adept at lying.

In that moment, worrying about why Sirius was reacting in such a manner, the reason for talking to him is shuffled to the side of my mind. I simply sit there, staring at him, trying to find some sort of clue within the features of his face.

“Lily,� he says, pulling me back into the moment. “What do you want?�

His desire for secrecy, compounded by his reaction to my presence, causes me to ask a question that I never meant to ask.

I bite my lip and say cautiously, yet evenly, “Sirius, do you love me?�

.-.-.

Do I love her?

Is that what she asked me?

My shock is such that I stumble over my words. “Yes, I…I love you.�

I regret the words the moment that they spill from my mouth. They sound hesitant and uncertain. That’s exactly what I didn’t want to sound like.

She noticed my “uncertainty� and her worry and apprehension are painted painfully across her face.

And her eyes.

I’ve never seen her eyes full of doubt and pain before.

It doesn’t suit her.

Not at all.

She brushes her hair away from her face in an impatient manner and I reach out with my hand and grab hers. My chest constricts when I feel her hand try to pull away from mine, but I hold on tight.

“Lily!� I say hoarsely, almost desperately. “Lily, please, I love you. I do love you.�

She looks so hopeful when she asks, “Do you really, Sirius?�

I nod. What else can I do? Of course I love her.

She bites her lip again. I think I should be worried when she does this.

“Sirius, if you love me, why does this have to be a secret?�

I’m at a complete loss for words. This is why I wanted to write her a letter – I would sound eloquent at the very least.

She’s waiting for a response, though. She deserves the truth.

“I can’t lose James.�

There, I said it. That’s the truth.

“What about me?� Her voice is pleading, pleading me to reassure her that she’s more important than James. I know that’s what she wants to hear.

Why can’t I just say it?

I wrap my arm around her shoulders and say as gently as I can, “Oh Lily, you know you’re the most important thing.�

She flinches and jerks away from my touch. Her eyes are hard again.

Damn it.

.-.-.

Why?

Why must he talk so sweetly and then ignore me?

Why?

He says that he loves me, says that I’m important, and yet it’s James that he can’t lose! Does that make James more important than me?

I repeat myself. “Sirius, what about me? Why is it always about James?�

He lets out a sharp breath and seems agitated. “Lily! I can’t lose James. I told you that!�

That’s it. I’m beyond annoyed – I’m angry. “And why can’t you lose James?� I hiss at him.

He shuts his eyes and inhales, long and deep. “Lily,� he says slowly and calmly. “If I lost James, I would be damned. Utterly damned.�

I can’t help but add, “And if you lost me?�

There’s a look of fresh horror on his face and he doesn’t respond.

“Is this why everything has to be so secretive?� I ask slowly. “Because James is more important to you?�

He shudders and brings a hand to his face, which he runs quickly and forcefully across his forehead.

“Sirius?� My voice breaks and for the first time I realise that I’m nearly in tears. “Sirius? Would it be so bad to be damned for what we really are?�

When he doesn’t respond again, I continue, “If you have to be damned, Sirius, wouldn’t it be all right to be damned for what you are?�

He lowers his head and rests it on his knees.

“Sirius?�

He doesn’t say anything, but his shoulders shake.

.-.-.

I’ve never cried in front of a girl before, but somehow Lily has pushed me over the metaphorical edge.

She has unerringly distilled my problem to that of a simple choice: James or Lily?

My best friend or the girl I love?

Would I betray James by taking “his� girl?

James is my best friend and I am his. That is who I am. I would never stab him in the back by flaunting Lily on my arm.

I’ve made my choice: James.

I just have to tell her.

I scrub my eyes on the hem of my robe and raise my head. She looks relieved, worried, pleased, and angry all at the same time. She’s still so beautiful.

I steel myself and say it: “Lily, that’s not who I am.�

Confusion joins and then overwhelms the emotions on her face.

“What?�

I look into those eyes. “I can’t be damned for what I’m not. I can’t have you, Lily. I love you, but I can’t have you. That’s not who I am.�

I can’t look at her anymore; it hurts too much.

We sit in silence for what feels like an eternity. Then I hear movement. Impulsively, she leans over and kisses my cheek.

When I look at her, she has a sad smile across her beautiful face. Reluctantly she stands, pausing to look at me with her eyes, her caring eyes, before leaving me.

This time, though, I know she won’t come back.