Summary: Draco somehow managed to get his very own advice column in Hogwarts' school paper, where he gives his sage opinion to those who dare to ask for it. Feel free to write in for advice about love, life, school, family, anything you can think of! But remember... with Draco, you tend not to get the answer you expected!
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 5
Completed: No
Word count: 9984
Read: 28978
Published: 06/25/08
Updated: 12/09/08
Story Notes:
I had started this story over a year ago, but took it down due to some person strife. I'm happy to say I'm renewing it, and I can't wait to see where the readers take this story! It's completely interactive. Thanks for reading~!
1. Issue the First by Hutchinson
2. Issue the Second by Hutchinson
3. Issue The Third by Hutchinson
4. Issue the Fourth by Hutchinson
5. Issue the Fifth by Hutchinson
Issue the First by Hutchinson
Greetings and salutations, all. Thanks to the brand new Hogwarts Herald for graciously offering to publish me! I do hope they enjoy the brand new set of expensive, high-quality printing presses.
I received many letters after the announcement of my prestigious advice column! If you’re very lucky, I’ll condescend to answer them here. Unfortunately, some of the letters smelled like poor people and I was forced to bin them. Please send letters that are worthy to grace my fine, unmarred hands! Now, without further ado, I answer your desperate queries!
•
Dear Draco,
I have this terrible problem. There’s this boy in my Herbology class who doesn't pay any attention to me at all! He is the best in our class but is really shy and doesn't usually talk to girls. But I really want him to like me! I think is shy, akwardness is really cute, even if he is a bit clumsy. Please give me your best advice!
-Kelsey
Gryffindor, Year 5
Kelsey:
A clumsy Herbology nerd? I do hope you’re not referring to the dreadful Neville Dungbottom. Nevertheless, I do have advice. If he’s the best in your class, ask to borrow his notes or textbook. This is very effective because you have an excuse to talk to him a second time when you return his book. This may require you getting rid of your current textbook so he won’t suspect anything. Feel free to lob it at Harry Potter’s giant head.
•
Dear Draco,
I'm having a problem with a boy. He's totally into me and I'm totally into him, but we’re both too shy to tell each other. Should I make the first move? Should I wait for him to make the first move?? Should I give up on him and become a lonely spinster cat-lady? HELP!!
From,
I'd Better Buy a Cat
Catlady:
I must confess, most fellows are quite stupid. Not myself, of course. But several of my associates are dimwitted enough to hold us all back as a species. Because young men are so stupid and oblivious, you’ll have to make all the moves yourself. Feel free to pass him a note in class, or smartly pinch his arse. Some guys like that stuff, that’s all I’m saying.
•
Dear Draco,
Okay my name is Roop, I have black hair and green eyes. My question/problem would be...er...This guy in my Transfiguration class has been hitting on me, but I don’t like him, I like his friend, what do I do?
Roop: The answer is simple. Forget the both of them and come to Hogsmeade with me. You sound ravishing! But just for laughs, here’s some real advice: Return the flirtation with that dullard, it’ll make the guy you want become mad with jealousy! Or, you’ll be stuck with a dullard for a boyfriend. Cheers!
•
Dear Draco,
Ok here it goes, I like this guy. His name is Zach. Last year I went out with one of his best friends.
That doesn’t make any sense!
He dumped me. Then I went out with Zach, I really liked him and as far as I could tell he really liked me too. Everything was going great until one night I called him and he broke up with me.
That makes no sense, either! What a nutter!
But the thing is, I think his friend, the one I went out with before, told him to dump me or his popularity would be at stake. I think he told Zach that because he had just broken up with my best friend Michelle. This guys name is Keller.
I feel like my head is full of bees!
I like Zach and my friend Tara said that on the bus on the way home from school Zach's friend stood up and went, Oh My God! You like Ashley? (thats me) So that wouldn't be just random would it?
Merlin, I had to read that seven times! I’ve got a bit of parchment here with a load of names and lines running back and forth between them. How does anyone keep up with it all?
I don't think he just randomly said that, either they were talking good or bad about me right. (also I know it was me because Zach's friend said my last name too) So after Zach's friend said that Zach pulled him back down without saying word. Draco, what is Zach trying to say? Does he like me or does he not?
--Ashley
Ashley:
Here’s my advice. About the prat who sullied your good name and talked your guy into dumping you, he deserves having a Flobberworm dropped in his trousers. As for all those other girls you mentioned, my eyes have been opened! Now I know why girls always seem to be mad about something; you’re all impossibly efficient at keeping a network of information about us fellows. Girls are like a secret society, I swear! As for Zach, if he’s able to be talked out of dating you, he’s either pathetically gullible or he didn’t care enough in the first place. Either way, sod him. I could buy you frivolously expensive dinners, whereas he’d have to save up for his entire life just to afford an appetizer! That is, of course, you really are unpopular, and I’d be forced to rescind my dinner inviation.
Cheers!
Draco
•
P.S. Leave your problems and queries here, and I may grace your letters with a response! Or not, depending on my mood.
Issue the Second by Hutchinson
Greetings once again, loyal readers! I do hope that the staff of The Hogwarts Herald is enjoying the new batch of Longwood’s Luminescent Inkwells that my father recently donated. Much thanks to the staff for allowing me to have my own modest little column!
To business: I was inundated with letters after the incomparable first issue, and I mulled selectively over which to answer. If you do not find your letter here, it is because your letter was inferior, smelled like owl pellets, or was offensively dull. But I digress. Those lucky few that I have chosen are printed below. Cheers!
•
Dear Draco,
I have a HUGE problem. You see, I am a proud Slytherin. I love Slytherin; it’s the best house there is! But… I’m in love with a GRYFFINDOR! The shame! I’m disappointed in myself to the fullest. I just can't help myself; he has gorgeous black hair, emerald eyes, and a body to kill! *Sigh* I need major help! What should I do? Is there something wrong in my head? I mean… GRYFFINDOR!! With their stupid "bravery" and stuff… (Did I mention he’s the best Quidditch player in the school?)
-Hopelessly and Madly Confused
Hopeless:
Smart of you not to print your name, I’d roast you! Firstly, who needs a Gryffindor kiss-arse when there are so many handsome lads (such as myself) in your own distinguished house? Secondly, what Quidditch matches have you been watching? I’m the best player in the school! Screw your head on right, brush your hair, and meet me in the common room. If you’re cute, I’ll make you forget all about whats-his-hairdo!
•
Dear Draco,
What is your preferred brand of cauldron?
Sincerely, Deanne
Third year Ravenclaw
Deanne:
Beauregard’s HandCrafted Wizard Wares, without doubt! Only the most elite of Wizards and Witches can obtain them. Of course if you’ve never heard of them, you can’t afford them. Despair!
•
Dear Draco,
I took your advice and flirted with the guy that was hitting on me. Now I think the guy I actually like is jealous because I’m flirting with his friend, but he's not asking me out because he doesn’t want to hurt his friend.
- Dazed and confused (Roop)
P.S.~ I’d love to take you up on that offer, I can’t stand being around these dunderheads much longer!
Roop: That’s absolutely corking, I can’t stop laughing! I knew it. Kiss your life goodbye, you’ve got a dullard for a boyfriend and Mister Slightly-Less-Dull is off your market! Cheers!
•
Draco,
I like this guy, but he doesn't know I exist, or that I like him. I also wonder how you persuade Snape to give you good Potions grades, Merlin knows you don't do the work.
Sincerely,
Alexa, 4th year
Alexa:
Writing to my column about this “mysterious boy” you fancy was very clever, indeed. I understand you’ve probably fallen very hard for me; I’m quite dashing. Alas, I’m also very selective about the ladies I date. Next time send a photo! As for the second part of your question, I’m brilliant at Potions and earn all my high marks! Unless you’re in my Potions class, what do you know? Wait…you’re not in my class, are you?
•
Dear Draco,
My friend Sarah and I just transferred to Hogwarts from the Salem Witches Institute over in America. I got put in Hufflepuff, and have actually made some great friends, but that isn't the problem. Sarah got put in Slytherin, and is slowly getting a rep as the nastiest girl at Hogwarts! I've know Sarah for three years, and she's like, my best friend, but ever since she started trying to make 'friends' in her own house, she neglected me more and more. She's totally cruel to everyone, including me, and it really isn't like her. Also, she is slowly falling head over heels for the Slytherin playboy, *cough*you*cough*, and she calls people 'mudbloods' and 'blood traitors', and all of my new friends hate her! I know the real Sarah is in there somewhere, but she scares the crap out of me know so I don't know how to find her old self. Any ideas on what I can do?
~Helpless in Hufflepuff
Helpless:
What a pair you are! A proud Slytherin girl and a whiny, simpering Snifflepuff! You should perform Dinner Theatre in the Great Hall! This issue can be easily resolved, my dear. Simply swear your allegiance and inferiority to our proud House, and we may be gentle on you! But I can’t promise anything…*wink*!
•
Dear Draco,
I think all us Slytherins get a bad wrap! I mean, not ALL of us are pure evil and out to get everyone, but everyone always thinks that! I'm not saying I LIKE any of those other house people...or anything...but I would like to not be sneered at constantly. What can we do to improve our House image?
From,
Anthony
Anthony:
Finally, a decent and intelligent query! We’re not all bad, it’s true. I think we employ a little of all the best of the different Houses qualities! We’re just as brave as those simpering Gryffindorks, if not more so! And get just as high grades as those brown-nosing Ravenclaws! And Hufflepuffs? Bugger them! Here’s what I think we could do to improve our House image: we ought to have a Slytherin calendar! The handsomest fellows of Slytherin House! I’m claiming December here and now! Anthony, let’s get Blaise in on this as well! If Crabbe or Goyle ask what we’re up to, tell them it’s a History project… nobody wants to view their doughy forms for an entire month of the year!
•
Dear Draco,
I did something extremely embarrassing as a dare. I told my friends, and now they won't let me forget it! How do I get them to SHUT UP about it?
Sousa
Sousa:
Are you the Hufflepuff girl that tossed your underpants up in the tree by the Great Lake? Come now, was that you? You can tell Draco dearest! Pink with lace trim? You naughty girl!
•
Dear Draco:
I really fancy Harry Potter, but so do many of my friends! I’ve got to get over him or I’ll go mad… he’s never going to date me! Help me get over him. If anyone can talk me out of it, you can!
Sincerely,
Racquel
Racquel:
If you’ve got the hots for a scar-headed knobby-kneed brown-noser, then you ought to see Madam Pomfrey straight away! Did someone cast a Confundus charm or something? Who gets famous from being a lucky baby, managing to survive a curse? He was just a silly baby, soiling his nappies like everyone else! What’s so special about that?!
•
Dear Draco,
My name is Miranda, I’m a 5th year Slytherin, and I have a problem (but I guess that’s obvious). I have this really great boyfriend and I love him to death! The problem is I can't seem to just keep my mind on him. I would have all these fantasies about other, um, persons and I just don't know how to make it stop. Like, I said I love him but I want to stop thinking about this other guy in particular. I keep thinking what it would be like to kiss him or have him push me up against a wall and just do what he wants. I guess that’s a little bit over the top but these are the thoughts that go through my head and I really want them to stop!! Please help me!!
-Miranda
Here’s what you do:
1) Send a photo along with your measurements, likes, and dislikes.
2) Await my response.
•
Dear Draco:
I am in love with a certain ginger-haired Gryffindor. I am a year younger than he is, and he doesn’t seem to notice me. I am also really jealous of the bushy haired girl he hangs around with all the time. I find myself wanting to hex her on a daily basis. What do I do?
-Invisible, Jealous & In Love
Jealous:
What are you waiting for? Hex the tart with hideous pustules and send him running into your arms! That’ll make his decision for him! Who wants a girl with bushy hair and a hideous skin condition? Also, feel free to set her skirt on fire just for laughs. Cheers!
•
Dear Draco,
Lately I've been having a hard time focusing on my evil goals of killing Harry Potter. My heart just isn't in it. Every day, I wake to my faithful Death Eaters expecting a masterful plan to finally destroy that wretched boy, yet all I want to do is play croquet. What should I do?
With Love,
Croquet-Obsessed
Obsessed:
I often fancy a game of Croquet at my father’s country club. Perhaps you’re also a member? Only the very elite of a particular sort are eligible! But I digress. I certainly shan’t discuss plans of an evil nature in this school-related column, but if there is to be some hypothetical “plotting” of what may or may not be the ill fate of a certain scar-headed schoolboy, I’ll meet you at that place we had that thing that time…
•
Dear Draco,
My entire family has been to Hogwarts, including my two older sisters who are still here. I've heard so much about it, but no one ever bothered to mention how hard it is to get around! I keep getting hopelessly lost and I never make it to my classes on time. Then when I receive a detention, I can't make it there on time either because a staircase has switched on me or something. Do you have any advice to give first years on how to navigate around the school safely?
~Horribly Lost in Hufflepuff
Lost:
Hogwarts is indeed hard to navigate, considering not only is it massive in size, but the school seems to try to confuse us on purpose! Fortunately for you, I have some helpful tips for getting around. If you want to go to the Library, simply look for a bushy-haired girl with an armload of books and follow her. If you’re looking for the Great Hall, tail after either Crabbe or Goyle’s tubby arses and they’ll lead you to mealtime before you know it. Can’t find your Herbology class? Look for the gangly, buck-toothed boy that’s always either carrying, or looking for, a frog named Trevor. He’ll eventually lead you to the Greenhouses. Want to meet the famous Potty Potter? Look for any ginger-haired, freckle-faced Weasley with hand-me-down robes. Where there’s a Weasley, there’s Potty. Good luck!
•
Thanks again to all of you who wrote to me with desperate letters begging for my words of wisdom. Luckily for all of you, I manage to find time outside of my studies to better your lives. Fan-mail and tokens of lust are appreciated!
Until next time,
Draco Malfoy
Issue The Third by Hutchinson
Author's Notes:
Sorry if your letter isn't in this issue, I've been trying to work them all in! Keep an eye out, and enjoy!!
Good day, fellow students! . I am again astounded with the success of my modest advice column! The school owls have surely just dropped off your copy of the Hogwarts Herald at your breakfast plate, in order to start your day with a healthy dose of intellect. Although, more than half the letters I receive aren’t actually questions of advisement, but love-letters to yours truly! Fret not, ladies, I will answer all your queries as I humbly encounter your many compliments, propositions, and dedications of love. Who can blame you? And who better to guide you through your love-struck anguish than the object of your affection himself? (Note to the lads: This doesn’t apply to you! No love-letters from the fellows, please!)
To business: There are many letters to address, so without further ado, the wit and wisdom of Draco Malfoy!
Dear Draco,
I have a HUGE crush on my best friend and I… well, I don’t want to tell him by way of owl! I found out we can talk next Monday… should I tell him how I feel? I don't want to ruin our friendship, so if I don’t tell him I will move on to a smart, cute, funny, Slytherin! You know what I mean.
Love,
Madly In Love
Madly:
Life is far too short to sit around in your History class drooling over your best mate! Tell him you fancy him, give him a tickle, or a pinch on the bum! That should send the message, I think! And if he doesn’t fancy you back, then he probably has 6 toes on each foot or something weird like that. Or maybe he’s got a really harry bum, like a Yeti or something. Aren’t you better off, then? Who wants to date a 12-toed Yeti? Not you!
Dear Draco,
I have a slight problem. You see, well, this is so hard to confess... I have a problem with killing. I... I... well, every now and then, I'll get a bit, you know, excited, and end up murdering everyone in the nearby vicinity. You know how it is. All of my friends (the ones who are still alive) are scared of me now, and everyone seems to think I'm weird for some reason! Is there anything I can do to get over my killing streak and get a new hobby?
Much love,
Schmerg_The_Impaler
Schmergy:
Someone after my own heart! The problem with killing off people is that the fun is over fairly quickly and you have to find someone new to torture. Here’s a suggestion from my own arsenal, to replace your killing (or impaling, bygones…) Flick their ears! It’s quite humourous. Not only does the victim get quite perturbed, but ears make a hilarious sound like wub-wub-wub! The larger the ears, the merrier! (May I suggest a certain Gryffindor dimwit with a name that rhymes with Bonald Beasley? Wub-wub-wub!
Dear Draco,
I have a crush on this really hot guy and I don’t think he even knows I exist... all my friends say I should just move on, but I don’t want to, I have some hope someday soon he might notice me. But so far he hasn’t!
What should I do?
Hopelessly Confused
Hopeless:
You’ve got to be dull as dishwater if he doesn’t know you exist! You can’t sit around waiting for him to give you the eye, you’ll end up an old hag with 72 cats who shakes her purse menacingly at passers-by! I’m not sure what to tell you, but once in Potions this 6th year girl dropped her cork and bent over slowly to pick it up. I noticed her right off, but I can’t really figure out why. Perhaps you should carry around potion-vial corks? It’s a mystery.
Dear Draco,
Your right! I don't need Harry Potter when I can have DRACO MALFOY! I mean, your Hogwarts #1 Hottie! The Sexy Slytherin, The - the... um. . . (insert compliment on your awesome body!) Your smart, funny, charming, brave, and did I mention your so bloody handsome?!?
DRACO MALFOY I LOVE YOU!
- Not So Confused
Confused:
I simply had to publish this letter… it’s only fair to my readers to get the most accurate news, isn’t it? Take notice, love. If you enjoy Quidditch, designer robes, and me, then we have everything in common! Cheers!
Dear Draco,
What does a girl do when she is madly in love with both Harry and a dashing advice columnist??
Anonymous
Anonymous:
Hypothetically, this girl might put on a skimpy dress, meet said columnist in the Dungeons, and scheme wickedly together through the late night hours! C’mon, you little minx! Easy choice, I say!
Dear Draco,
I'm madly in love with this girl but she just calls me a freak because knitting is my favorite hobby! IT'S WHAT MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND! She says guys shouldn't knit; that it's weird. I love her but I love knitting too and I don't know how to choose!
Lovestruck Knitter
Knitter:
Time to choose, eh? Knitting, or girls? Let me ask you one question. Can you snog a sweater? No. No, you can’t. Well… you can, but it doesn’t snog back, does it?
Dear Draco,
I made a huge mistake the other day in the Great Hall at lunch and everyone is making fun of me for it. How do I make them STOP!?
Annoyed Hufflepuff, 3rd Year
Annoyed:
Stop the presses! Are you the mousy-haired girl who tried to magically enlarge her cut of ham? It grew so big and so fast that everyone’s plates went crashing to the floor as it enveloped half the Hufflepuff students! I bet you reeked of swine for hours! Good luck living that down, love! Or you could transfigure someone else’s lunchmeat and redirect the attention, couldn’t you, Hammy?
Dear Draco,
I'm having some major boy problems right now, and was hoping you could help. You see, two of my best friends are guys and I think both of them have a crush on me. I can tell, because they keep giving me unrequited presents such as bouquets of singing daisies. I have a crush on this kid in my year, but he doesn't even know I exist. He's really hot, and is in the same house as me (Slytherin), and his initials are B.Z. I want to ask him out, but I'm too nervous! How do I ask him out while avoiding total humiliation? And how do I tell my friends to stop trying to flirt with me without hurting their feelings?
Heather
Dearest Alexa:
Ah, it’s all making sense to me now! Zabini gave you a bit of the o’l “Blaise-ing Bedroom-Eyes”, didn’t he? I taught him that, you know. Next Potions class, offer to help chop some Thornmallow for him and strike up a conversation! As for the other dullards, why would you want to give up free presents? I thought all women enjoyed being showered with expensive gifts! But if it’s not for you, simply stop accepting them. See you in class, Mrs. Zabini! Ha ha!
Dear Draco,
There's this blond Slytherin idiot in my Potions class, big suck-up to Professor Snape. Do you think there is one tiny chance he might just disappear one day?
Yours faithfully,
The real Slytherin Prince
Dear Obsessed:
I anticipated this, my mad friend. You’ve fallen into a love-hate relationship with my celebrity image. Lucky for you, I’ve already begun plans to start a Draco Malfoy Fan Club. If you’ve got any clever ideas, I may deem you worthy enough to be founder of my fan club! Do start brainstorming and write back soon! Cheers!
Dear Draco,
My friends all think I'm a nerd because I do better than them on our tests. What can I do to show them that I'm actually really cool?
”CoolGurl
CoolGurl:
Alas, I know the burden of being the most intelligent among one’s peers. Don’t sacrifice your high marks; they’ll get you a very lucrative career someday! As for showing them something rather cool, why not use your brains to invent a nasty new hex? Try it out in front of your friends on an unsuspecting victim. Oh, for example, Harry Potter. Or you could get a tattoo. Only the naughtiest of girls get tattoos! Do it, I dare you! And do send photos!
Dear Draco,
I have this best friend who has this older brother and he's a Gryffindor, and he's really cute.
I’m with you so far. Your friend’s older brother. All right.
He asked me out and I said yes, but now my best friend won't talk to me or him because she thinks it was disgusting when she walked in on us making out.... in her room.
Sweet Chocolatey Frogs, what were you thinking by snogging her brother in her room? Haven’t you got a dormitory? Doesn’t he? Oh, you’re just begging to be caught, there!
She wants us to break up so she doesn't have to go get therapy, but I don't want to lose either of them. I also don't like his last name (in the case of a proposal, I'd be in quite a dilemma). What should I do?
~Choking On a Family Tie
Dear Choking On a Family Tie:
More like “choking on a family tongue”! I wish you’d written what his last name was. Does it rhyme with your first name, like Kally O’Malley or Erin Derrin, or Lottie Dottie McGottie? Or does he have a horrible last name like Weiner, or Butts? I once knew a lad named Kevin Butts. Why he didn’t change it, I’ll never know. Maybe he didn’t want to offend his fellow Butts. Oh, I nearly forgot. What should you do… What should you do… Ah, I’ve got it. All three of you stop what you’re doing and see a therapist at once!
Dear Draco,
Why do you Slytherins all think you're better then everyone else? I mean, come ON--you're all prissy little suck-ups! And you are NOT the best Quidditch player. Harry Potter is.
--SlytherinHater“
Hater:
You’ll be eating your words when the Slytherin calendar goes for sale! You’ll be feasting your eyes on the gorgeousness of me for an entire month! And let me tell you, Quidditch does a body good. Besides, Potter’s just a lucky catch with the Snitch. And I hear he’s got warts on his bum. Sweet dreams!
Dear Draco,
I'm the "new girl" in school again. I HATE it! Today, I just had the worst day of my life! People called me an 'ugly nerd' Anyway, I don't know if my crush thinks I'm a 'ugly nerd', too. I have long, wavy black hair that reaches about 5 inches from my shoulders. I have dark brown eyes and a light tan. And people think I'm a nerd just because I study too hard and I take anything lower than an "A" or "90%" seriously. Am I a nerd? I REALLY like this guy! He even bought me lunch and bought me a book from Diagon Alley because I wanted it but didn’t have the money. And we both walk to the Portrait together and when he has to turn the corner to go to his dorm, he waves at me and says, "See you tomorrow!" Does he like me? Am I a nerd? Am I ugly?
Sincerely,
The New Girl
Dearest New Girl:
I’ll bet thirty Galleons that you’re a Ravenclaw. And I’ll bet thirty more that you’re prettier than you think, though you ought to send some photos my way just to be sure. You don’t wear silly, thick glasses like Harry Rotter, do you? Surely you can go without them! As for your fellow, it sounds like he fancies you a bit. Let me tell you a secret: guys don’t talk to ladies unless we’re potentially interested. That’s why so many unfortunate ladies won’t get the time of day from me. My attention has to be caught! And you seem to have caught his. Next time you see him, give him a smack on his bum! If he acts weird about it, tell him you were swatting a bug and keep walking. Guys love their bums smacked, I’m just saying.
Dear Draco,
I just made it on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, but me and my friend were both trying out for seeker and I got it, and she hasn't been speaking to me. What do I do? I still want to be on the team, but I want to be friends with her still.
Emily, Gryffindor, 3rd Year
Emily:
Her loss! You’re obviously the better player. But if she’s going to mope about it, why don’t you crumple up a bit of parchment, throw it past her head, and yell “Seek!” Maybe she’ll go for it!
Draco,
I really fancy this guy. After Potions class one day, his friend yelled down the corridor, "Merlin, you like Lucy?" All my crush did was walk away slowly, not denying anything. The thing is, if he likes me, this certain scar-head won't let him go out with me because I'm in Slytherin. Perhaps you know Todd? (My crush). Does he seem like he likes me? What should I do to let him know?
Thanks a lot, you HOTTIE.
Lucy~
Dearest Lucy:
Men certainly don’t sit around discussing whom we fancy and what-not, like some sort of knitting circle! I don’t know if Todd likes you, but that doesn’t matter! You’re a Slytherin, woman! Act like it! Saunter up to Hot Toddy and snog him like you mean it! If he vomits or slaps you, you could always say you were under the Imperious curse or something. Cheers!
Until next issue,
Draco Malfoy
Issue the Fourth by Hutchinson
Author's Notes:
I've been swamped with letters, so I apologise if yours isn't here!
Good morning to you, Hogwarts school and staff! The number of letters I receive is truly impressive. I must take a moment to thank my fellow Slytherins for being so supportive despite their unbearable jealousy. It delights me to say that I’ve got a large collection of love-letters and proposals growing. Thanks for all the photos, you lovely lasses! As much as I enjoy it, however, I do hope I can offer some of you my sage advice. There’s brains beneath this gorgeous exterior, you know! I’m not a piece of meat! (Well, sometimes…)
And now, for your unparalleled pleasure, the fourth issue of To Draco, With Love! Oh, and do read the other articles of the Hogwarts Herald and whatnot. I haven’t, but I’m told it’s not bad.
•
Dear Draco,
My friend Matt and I both come from the same area, so we knew each other before Hogwarts. We had another friend who's home-schooled, Melanie. Matt just got a girlfriend, and he's probably going to be spending most of the summer with her so far. Melanie and I wanted to hang out with him this summer, just the three of us, because Melanie doesn't get to see him for most of the year! How can we ask him to choose without making it seem like we're asking him to ditch his girlfriend?
Trying to be Tactful
Tactful:
This letter really put me in a spin! I tried to put myself in the fellow’s place. Which would I rather do? Spend the summer hols snogging my girlfriend senseless, or hold purses for two platonic pals all summer while they drag me around shops and try to braid my hair? Easy choice, I say. The girlfriend! Unless you and your friend are willing to provide double the snogging! (If so, send detailed descriptions!)
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Dear Draco,
I have a problem. My friends hate me because I shot Potter with a curse, and now he's bald and ugly. Well, he wasn't hot to start out with, but oh well. My friend Kayla is also furious with me and doesn't think I should have done that to one of “our fellow Gryffindors" I am starting to worry that I will become a lonely spinster like that other person in your column.
Love,
Micha
Dearest Micha:
For putting Potty in the Hospital Wing to nurse his ugly mug, I’ll be sending complimentary flowers with your issue of the Herald. You have my highest regard! …Marry me? Oh, as for your friend Kayla… if she likes Scarhead so much, maybe you should send her to the Hospital Wing to join him!
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Dear Draco,
My friend is out to get me. I snogged her boyfriend (Hey, he's hot!) and now she hates me. I just got out of the hospital wing from a Bat Bogey Hex she sent at me! She's also called me some names I won't mention and ruined my potion so I could have detention with Snape. What can I do to get her to go away?
Sincerely,
Christie
PS. You aren't ugly yourself Draco...
My dear Christie:
A woman after my own heart, who goes for what she wants! Sod the rest! Who cares if everyone thinks you’re a tart? Since you’ll be in detention with the good professor, perhaps you might concoct something to lure your mate’s boyfriend to you permanently! You’d better be sure, though, because you’ll have that slobbering buffoon at your heels for the rest of your life! Such is the price for being a strumpet, I’m afraid. Cheers!
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Dear Draco,
My best friend in class, Sabrina, made some new friends. Her new friends convinced her not to be friends with me because they hate me. Every few days she says she's my friend again, but every time she does that, a few days later she decides not to be my friend. Before this happened she was the best friend I ever had. WHAT DO I DO?
-Girl Who Doesn't Know What to Do.
Dear Girl:
Here’s my special, custom advice to you: steal her finest dress robes and set them afire! Then, toss her underpants into the tallest tree on the grounds! She’s clearly not your friend, but a two-faced troll. She probably treats her other “friends” just as awful! Good riddance, I say!
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Dear Draco,
I think I'm cursed. I fell down the stairs yesterday, not to mention landing on my crush and breaking his left arm (not your average love story!) And then my friend ate my Potions homework. I'm not kidding! After that I got chased by this pet of Hagrid’s into a tree and then I had to have Hagrid help me down. Then I got scratched by this cat called Crookshanks, and their stupid bushy haired owner yelled at me! I think Trelawney jinxed me or something! What should I do?
From,
Cursed and Confused
Cursed:
Your letter made me laugh so hard, Goyle jumped right out of his chair! Give me a moment whilst I picture you stuck up a tree, probably surrounded by the underpants of the previous writer’s frienemy, while that giant oaf tries to shake you out! If anyone jinxed you, it wasn’t Trelawney. She couldn’t foresee her own birthday if her life depended on it, so I doubt she has the ability to curse you. Besides, she always reeks of cooking sherry. Anyway, my advice to you is to hide in your dorm from all things pointy or toothy until further notice.
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Dear Draco,
OK, so I was in the bathroom the other day when Moaning Myrtle floated up to me, (I will have nightmares forever, believe me!), and she started asking about you. Well, I was like, “Oh, he's gone,” and she was like, “Oh, where?” and we had this HUGE conversation and I ended up comforting her. Now she's like, totally obsessed with me and I don't know what to do! Please help, seeing as it's all your fault!
A. Stranger
Dear Stranger:
Allow me to pause whilst I scream into my pillow. …Okay, I’m back. How does Moaning Myrtle know who I am, and why is she asking about me? This reeks of Potty and the Weasel. I’ll get them for this…but I digress. I’m quite accustomed to lovelorn stalkers, so I can certainly help you here. The tricky part is that avoiding a ghost is much harder than corporeal crazies. Stay out of the second floor bathroom, for Merlin’s sake, and away from any other pipes or plumbing in the castle as well. Looks like you’ll be relieving yourself in chamberpots from now on!
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Dear Draco,
I think I'm in love with my teacher, the worst teacher for me to fall for. I don't know how this happened but I can stop thinking about him. His dark eyes, his strong jaw, his tight, firm... Anyway, what do I do, Draco? He is lurking in all my dreams!
Teacher's pet
Seventh-year Gryffindor
Teacher’s Pet:
Oh my, lots of naughty letters this issue! You Jezebel, you! Such an affair between student and professor is strictly forbidden. Having said that, I say you go for it! Be the dirty mistress, the naughty schoolgirl! Get yourself a detention with him or something… Oh, I can’t wait to hear how this plays out! Cheers!
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Dear Draco,
I'm a Slytherin, and I keep sleepwalking. I find it really hard to sleep after my boyfriend broke up with me, and my constant ramblings keep annoying my dorm-mates. What shall I do?
Sleepless in Slytherin
Sleepless:
I thought they were making you up, but it’s true! You’re the Nighttime Nutter! Oh, I wish I could get into the girl’s dormitory without being slipped back down the stairwell on my bum. To business: you can forget the prat who dumped you, or you can turn it around and make him absolutely miserable with regret! (The latter idea is much more cathartic, love!) Owl flower-bouquets to yourself anonymously. Buy boxes of chocolates to carry around and share with everyone as you remark loudly upon your generous and doting “new boyfriend”. Your ex should go mad with jealousy! As for the insomnia, get out your potions textbook and whip up a sleeping draught before your dorm-mates smother you with a pillow!
Dear Draco,
I'm having some major boy problems right now, and was hoping you could help. You see, two of my best friends are guys and I think both of them have a crush on me. I can tell because they keep giving me unrequited presents such as bouquets of singing daisies. I have a crush on this kid in my year, but he doesn't even know I exist. He's really hot, and is in the same house as me (Slytherin), and his initials are B.Z. I want to ask him out, but I'm too nervous! How do I ask him out while avoiding total humiliation? And how do I tell my friends to stop trying to flirt with me without hurting their feelings?
Heather
Heather:
Go on and make a move with Blai- I mean, the cleverly disguised “B.Z.”. Let those other tossers keep showering you with gifts! It would be rude not to accept them, and some people can’t help showing their adoration… trust me, I know. Accept your status as a sublime specimen of significant affection, and give magnanimous thanks where it is due. It’s hard to be the object of desire, but you’ll get used to it, love. (Wink!)
Dear Drac A normal geek, the author sits, front of his parchment, tears streaming down his cheek at the thought of his dead relative, who was also
STOP THAT! Ok, sorry. Anyway, I recently purchased a Quick Quotes Quill from a red haired man who came selling stuff to my door yesterday It was love at first sight. The two of them looked into each others' eyes, savoring the love that was not meant to be. Their
WELL, it's gone crazy, and it's coming in and writing on any paper I'm writing o In understandable denial, the author sobs in tensed frustration, cursing all around him, including his very best Quick Quotes Qui I AM NOT SOBBING TEARS OF FRUSTRATION! I AM NOT IN DENIAL ABOUT ANYTHING! And yet, you seem to be STOP IT!
Help me, Draco!
And fast!
Thanks,
Haunted
Shaking his head, the author stands up, and wipes his face with the back of his hand. He is late for his meeting with the red-haired Romeo who had stolen his heart the last day. Patting his hai
NOT AGAIN!!
Haunted:
This might be the biggest laugh I’ve had all day! This letter speaks for itself! I can say no more…except to say that I, myself, do not own a Quick Quotes Quill. As you readers have obviously learned, I am a gifted writer with no need of magical aides. For those of you who aren’t so adept with the written word, a QQQ might be for you. The lesson here, though, is not to buy it from a door-to-door salesman, especially one who sounds suspiciously like a Weasley!
Dear Draco,
I have these intense feelings towards a girl and I tried paying her best friend to tell her, but her price is so high that I'll be thirty-seven before I have enough money. So I had this really original idea - I wrote her a poem. I'm just not sure if I should actually GIVE it to her...
So read it and tell me!
You probably don't know who I am,
(Although I sit across from you at dinner)
You probably don't watch how I play,
(But I do you and you're a winner)
You probably couldn't guess my name with your life at stake,
(Alas, my love, the pain is like a razor-sharp rake)
You probably like, or even love, another guy,
(But, even so, these feelings I just can't deny)
You probably will just laugh at this,
(Even my best friend said I'll never get a kiss)
You probably won't speak to me for the rest of my life,
(And here I've been dreaming of you as my wife)
You probably just puked into your ham,
(Maybe just meet me and see who I am?)
Well, should I send it? My best friend says it's my death sentence... You're the expert, Draco. What do you think?
Anonymous
Anonymous:
Your poem is passable, though I can’t get over the line “You probably just puked into your ham”. Is she particularly fond of ham? Er…maybe you should take that bit out. Wait, no…the imagery is just too bizarre! You have to keep that line. I can’t wait to hear how this turns out. Hide all nearby deli-meats before you send it, though!
Thanks to all my readers for yet another riveting and enlightening issue. I do hope you’ll continue to write me! Remember, no question is too embarrassing (snicker) and no problem is too personal. (laugh, cough, sputter!)
Ta!
Draco Malfoy
Issue the Fifth by Hutchinson
Greetings, reverent masses! It’s a beautiful day at Hogwarts, which brings great news: I’m starting The Draco Malfoy Fan Club! After the many, many, many requests, what could I do but humbly acquiesce? To join my fan club is free, because I certainly don’t need your money! But do fill out the application tucked into today’s Hogwarts Herald and send it back to me by owl for consideration. Fan club members will be hand-picked by yours truly! Now have a seat and relish this joyous news a moment before reading today’s sage advice. Aren’t I good to my readers?
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Dear Draco,
I watch this show called Friends, and it’s the best show ever. I’m having trouble waiting on the episodes. I feel like ripping my hair out right now as I’m writing this since I still have THREE DAYS to wait for a new episode. I will probably die during the 13 week hiatus, *sob* so what can I do other than knitting, since I’m bloody horrid. I can’t even make a baby hat. What should I do?
Haley,
3rd year
Haley:
Of course I know nothing about the trivialities of Muggle television, but will try to advise you nevertheless. Why’s it called “Friends”? That’s a dull name, isn’t it? What sort of “Friends”? It’s one bloody word; a fragment! If I were to make a television show, which I won’t, I’d call it something fantastic. Perhaps “From Riches to Riches: The Draco Malfoy Story”, or “Draco the Vampire Slayer”, or even “Everyone Loves Draco”. But I digress. To business: stop knitting, that’s for hags. And you’re only a third year, what do you need a baby’s cap for? Take up Quidditch, I hear it’s a trifle more exciting.
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Dear Draco,
I think I belong in Slytherin. I’m in Ravenclaw, but I don’t like it. My lifelong dream is to become a Death Eater. I’m a pure-blood so it would work out. My other dream is to watch Harry Potter die. What should I do?
Love,
Evil With Some Lemon Twist
Evil Lemon:
I have it on good authority that you don’t have to be of our most esteemed Slytherin house to become a Death Eater. It’s just a bonus. Until you’re of age, I say practice your curses and hexes on first-years and await instruction. The first rule of Death Eaters is that you can’t talk about Death Eaters. The second rule is this: Don’t kill Harry Potter, The Dark Lord wants him alive. Or so I’ve heard. Nudge, nudge.
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Dear Draco,
I have a family problem. You see my whole family is composed of Death Eaters, or people obsessed with the Dark Arts. For hundreds of years my whole family has been in Slytherin. But I’M IN GRYFFINDOR. I don't want to be a Death Eater and Herbology is my favorite subject. I’m thinking of running away from home. What should I do? My family doesn't understand me!
- Kelsey, Year 5
Kelsey:
Run away, then! If you like Herbology so much, maybe you can go live in the woods and eat tree-bark for the rest of your life! Maybe plant some turnips, and be the Crazy Turnip Lady that keeps the first years out of the Forbidden Forest! Ungrateful…
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Dear Draco,
One of my teachers has been acting very suspicious lately. He gets sick about once a month, and once I saw him howling at the moon.
I know it sound crazy...
But I think....
He might be a girl.
What should I do?
Dear Reader:
Look out, young son! I don’t know about the howling at the moon, but I’d probably act the same way if I bled for five days and didn’t die. Here’s another question to ponder: why do girls always go to the loo in groups? Sometimes I think there’s a giant lobby in there with a mini-bar and a salon. Maybe even a cinema! Why else would they all go in together, stay in there for so long, and come back out looking completely refreshed?
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Dear Draco,
I followed your advice and got a tattoo done, and I feel great. Here's a photo for you. In case you don't know what it is, it's a picture of the Hogwarts Crest on my you-know-where. Hehehehehe.
Cool Girl With a Tattoo on her Bum
Dear Tattoo:
Congratulations, you’re the first official member of The Draco Malfoy Fan Club! Thanks for the… interesting photo! Sorry, but I won’t be returning it! Now what should I get for a tattoo? I’ve always fancied the idea of getting a snake around my arm. Then when I flex my arms, all the girls will go swirly. What d’you think?
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Dear Draco,
I'm a bit embarrassed to be writing to you about my problem. I haven't told anyone, but I'm only barely passing Muggle Studies. I'm in Ravenclaw, and I'm practically failing a class! I study extremely hard for all of the tests, but I still managed to muck everything up when it comes time for the exams. I mean really, how on earth do the Muggles keep all of their different types of transportation straight? They have all sorts of different contraptions to help them fly, but I can't tell a plane from a jet and honestly, why do they need both? My main concern is that it is keeping me from having perfect marks, and I'm far too ashamed to go for extra help. Do you have any suggestions?
~Stumped in Ravenclaw
Dear Stumped:
I’ll bet you’re neglecting your studies! Girls are always guilty of it; I see it all the time! You lie around in your jammies talking about boys, robes, and shoes. Then you go to class and pass notes about the same boys, robes, and shoes! Girls are silly; not nearly as focused as we men. But I digress. Would you like to be in my fan club? Fill out an application as soon as you’ve done your homework!
Oh, back to my original point. Muggle Studies is a useless endeavor! However, since you can’t drop the class, I’ll take a moment to share with you what little knowledge I have about Muggles and their absurd ways. Jets are the same as planes, except only celebrities have them. Tones are like handles you hold up to your head, and somehow the other person’s voice is transported into your ear. I don’t like it; it sounds invasive! Also, many Muggles collect “Seedies”, which are small discs that have music trapped inside. You can only release the music by placing the Seedy in a Seedy Player. That’s all I have for now… my head hurts just thinking about it. Good luck!
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Dear Draco,
I have a problem. Well obviously, as I wouldn't be writing to you if I hadn't would I? It happened at breakfast. I was sitting at the Ravenclaw table (as I am in Ravenclaw, obviously), and I was eating my Yorkshire pudding. It tasted quite nice but that doesn't really matter does it?
Girls are so weird.
Well anyway, I was just eating breakfast and talking with my friend Cho Chang. We were talking about the band The Weird Sisters. They are pretty awesome don't you think? I love their song... I'm getting off track. What was I saying?
Breakfast?
Oh yeah. I was eating breakfast. Little did I know that in the very same Yorkshire pudding that stood before me was a dose of sneezing powder from the 'Weasleys Wizard Wheezes' that my brother Felix had smuggled past Filch. So as I was just discussing the hairdo of the lead singer (it's rather ugly I think) I got this itch in my nose. The itch started getting itchier and itchier. I didn't notice it at the beginning but then my nose started to twitch as well. I felt it coming, the sneeze. It felt like a big one so I quickly grabbed the serviette that lay beside my plate. But... it was too late. I sneezed. A big boom made everyone in the great hall look up from his or her breakfast. Everyone was staring at me. It was so embarrassing. Even a week later, everyone is still making fun of me! Cho Chang won't hang out with me anymore because of what happened and I have a week's detention from Professor McGonagall for causing a disruption. I was so mad at Felix and I wanted to write to my mum but Felix was faster than me. He had already written to her warning her that I was going to write a lie to her. And she believed him! That little monster! Please help me. Tell me what to do. Anything! A revenge for Felix. A way to get Cho Chang to be my friend again. A way to stop people from saying 'bless you' under suppressed giggles every-time they see me. Please
Love, Raffles
Raffles:
Forget Chang! Silly girls always find new reasons to fight with each other, so leave her be. Let us get to the best part… revenge! Firstly, I prefer Gambol and Japes over those Weasley amateurs. Best joke shop in town! Dungbombs are a classic, of course, but I’d try something a bit more personal for young Felix. He’s your brother, so you can get close enough to switch out his wand with a Gambol and Jape’s Wafty Wand! Every time he tries to cast a spell, the wand makes a fart sound! Parrrrrrp! Oh, I’m cracking up just thinking of it. I can’t wait to see how this prank war elevates! Oh, and pinch your nose if you go near him… the realistic sound isn’t all the wand does!
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Dear Draco,
Every time I see Professor Snape, my bum catches on fire. I'm actually very pretty when I have a cool bum. I sit in the back of the room, but it is still embarrassing to be whispering "Augumenti" to my bum all the time! Drop me a line, Sexy!
~Hot in Potions Class~
Hot:
How come I haven’t heard of this freakshow student with ashen, soaked robes and a nuclear bum? You have several problems, love. Firstly… Snape? You fancy Professor Snape? No offense to my head of house, but you would do better dating among your peers. Can you imagine dating someone 70 odd years older than you? (Again no offense to the Professor.) Secondly, as for your atomic arse, have you considered you may have a gas problem?
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To Draco,
I've been trying to get in touch with you for the past few weeks, but apparently you've been busy with your mushy-gushy advice column, responding to lovey-dovey letters and coochie-cooing the girls! Why didn't you let me in on this, mate?! Anyway, I came across the Third Issue and was pleasantly surprised when I read some of the letters - particularly the ones referring to me (yes, I do know that B.Z is Blaise Zabini, people!). No wonder girls have been randomly smacking my bottom - you've been giving them advice! Speaking of which, you know that 'Blaise-ing Bedroom-Eyes' that you apparently taught me? Well, it doesn't seem to be working is it? The girls aren't sashaying over to me, but instead they're asking you for advice!
I just want to take this chance to say: Ladies! Don't be shy to approach me! Stop writing to Drakie-poo and instead, come look for me sometime! Also, I'll find out who you naughty witches are - I never forget the faces of those who have touched my backside!
With love,
B.Z
Dear Blaise:
Forgive me, mate! All I can do is gently guide them in your direction! If some of the ladies get stuck on me, how could I be so cruel as to deny them? To the ladies out there: Zabini loves his bottom pinched! You read it here first! And he’s still single, loves! Want to tame the untamable? Ready, set, GO!
Dear Draco,
I recently went on a school trip to France. During the two week stay, I sort of fell in love with this older guy who has already finished school. I flirted shamelessly the entire time. On the last day he wouldn't talk to me and when I asked why, he said he was under the impression that I liked him. Of course, I had to deny it because I didn't want him to stop talking to me. There is a slight possibility that we will both be going on another trip in two years when I am of age. Should I hold on to hope during the wait or just forget about him?
Candace, Ravenclaw, 6th year
Candace:
Oh my, an affair with an older man! Thank Merlin I get such delicious letters! However, I’m disappointed to hear this fellow missed your flirtations. Being older, he should be a bit wiser, as well. Clearly he’s an oblivious meat-head. Or… perhaps he swings the other way? Stop flirting with him regardless, because it’s gotten you nowhere. At best, you may have found a new shopping partner. Fabulous!
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Dear Mr Slytherin-Amazing-Draco-Ness, (Who IS obviously better than Potty).
There is a boy I like, who is actually a Slytherin, but strangely enough he keeps calling me 'harsh' for playing pranks and insulting other houses! I think he is an idiot, but that just makes me want him to like me more. Advice, please? Also, when's this Slytherin calendar coming? I want about seven. Forget the others, twelve months of you and we're all good.
Love Slytheriny Stacey.
Stacey:
I keep reading these letters and wonder to myself, does anyone speak face to face anymore? When I fancy a girl, you better believe she knows it! I may get a few slaps in the face, but more often than not I luck out! Give it a try. Go pinch his arse or something. If he still rejects you, who cares? Hogwarts is full of arses! By the way, you’ve been added to the Preferred Readers list for when the calendars are issued!
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Dear Draco,
Some of my fellow Slytherins (ahem, you) convinced me to go to a pub last week. When I went home for the weekend to my sister’s wedding, my parents could smell it on my breath! I don't know what to do! If I hexed them or tried to come up with an excuse, they'll send me to a girl school! Perhaps you can help me.
-Screwed Teenager
Screwed:
Tut, tut… some lads just can’t hold their Firewhiskey! Did you wash the vomit off your shirt? I’ll have you know that I had to toss my second-favorite pair of slacks after you got sick on them! I don’t know what you ought to tell your parents, but don’t you dare mention my name! It’s not such a bad deal anyway if they send you to a girl’s school. Think about it: you’d be the only fellow in a building full of lusty, deprived schoolgirls! Go wild!
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That's it for this issue, but do hold on to your sanity until the next one arrives! I'm working hard under the stress, I'm just inundated with letters! Such is the life of a role-model. I persevere.
Ta!
Draco Malfoy
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.