*~*~*

James,

Meet me in the Astronomy Tower at midnight. Don’t bring Black.

-Lily

This seemingly innocent piece of parchment had been troubling James Potter all day. At first, it was easy to shrug it off; then the inevitable questions started to flow. It didn’t take a bloody Potions Master to figure out that this was important. But the stopper was, what in Merlin’s beard did she need? It wasn’t as though James minded. It was just rather odd. It didn’t help that Lily had avoided his attempts to gain her attention. As much as James tried to stave it off, a peculiar feeling had settled in his stomach.

“Anything wrong, Prongs?” Sirius inquired calmly. He shook his mane of black hair and collapsed on his four-poster bed. His grey eyes seemed to hold an amount of concern. Bullocks, James thought.

“Nothing, Padfoot, just…thinking,” James quipped morosely.

“Yeah,” Sirius replied, a smirk on his face. Clearly, he wasn’t buying it.

“Oh, sod off, will you?” James countered disdainfully, frustration etched in his features.

An abnormal look crossed Sirius’ face. With an aggravated sigh he pushed himself up and offered James a hand, a mischievous grin playing across his lips.

“Up for some fun, James? Or have you forgotten that you’re a Marauder?”

*

After a few pranks and errant mischief making, almost all the doubts had faded from James’ mind. Sirius, Remus and Peter were his best mates; they always knew how to keep him in good spirits and they hadn’t hassled him over his strange behaviour. So, with much relief and renewed confidence, James made his way to the Astronomy Tower, slipping out quietly without his Invisibility Cloak or the Marauder’s Map. He knew his way well enough and he didn’t want Lily to become suspicious.

Twisting into the last turn of the spiral stairs, he entered the Tower. It was dead silent other than the gentle hooting of owls and the rustling of the wind. Was it the wind?

“Lily?” James questioned softly, hoping not to frighten her. It was rather dark up there. James registered some movement out of the corner of his eye. As he turned to face them, he was caught off guard.

“Imperio!” A voice jeered, and then everything went blank.

*~*~*

Kill Lily Evans. It is a simple task, but I hesitate. Why? I don’t even know the answer. All I know is that it’s the only thought running through my mind, my only goal. But I still don’t understand. It isn’t making sense. I know it is something I must do but I do not comprehend. My mind and body will it, but there is a shred of doubt planted somewhere. If I just hold on…it is slowly diminishing, but the seed is rooted strong, it is fighting to stay. How much longer can I deter this strong will? How much longer can I prevent her death by my hands? How can I feign this complex twist in my fate?

It is a strange feeling, a battle of wills. I hold on to the doubt. Yes, I understand the reasons. Everything is clear. I do not like this, I decide.

There! She’s come out of The Three Broomstick’s. She is alone; her face basked with the twinkling lights that line the street. The misty light emitted from the streetlamps lining the bustling shops makes her glow. Her cheeks are tinged a rosy pink and her emerald eyes are dull with sadness. How can I do this? Regret washes over me. I will just wait a little while longer and hope this feeling to extinguish her life will subside. I stay crouched in my position…just a little longer. I think that, maybe, perhaps, it is getting easier.

****

“Lily, what’s wrong?” asked Marlene McKinnon, one of my best friends, who is also annoyingly perceptive.

“Nothing,” I answered, lying through my teeth. In truth, I was feeling uneasy. It wasn’t the ‘Oh, this dress is so uncomfortable’ uneasiness or even the ‘Who knew that eating half a turkey at Christmas dinner could make your stomach churn like that?” uneasiness. No, it was more of a terrifying, gut-gripping feeling, the kind you get when you watching a horror movie.

However, this wasn’t a horror movie. This was Lily Evans going to Hogsmeade with her friends.

We were walking down one of the main streets in Hogsmeade; the five Gryffindor girls in my year. There was Marlene, who was slightly taller than the rest, peppy and bubbly Dorcas, cool and collected Emmeline, friendly and sweet Alice, and me, Lily. I was somehow a mixture of all my friends, though my temper exceeded theirs.

Despite being in the middle of our posse, I felt vulnerable. I had the funny feeling of being watched-one that only intensified my restlessness.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” Alice asked, looking at me with concern.

I did my best to smile, but only managed to lift the corners of my mouth.

“You look a bit peaky,” Emmeline commented, her blue eyes boring holes into my green ones. “Do you want to go back to the castle?”

“No,” I replied, not wanting to ruin everyone’s trip. “I think I’ll just go to the Three Broomsticks for a Butterbeer.”

Dorcas nodded, though she seemed a bit concerned. “Rosmerta’ll fix you up in no time,” she said confidently.

I nodded gratefully at my friend’s answer. Waving to them, I tried to walk away casually but failed and managed a more quickened pace than I had intended.

I rushed over to the Three Broomsticks, sinking onto a bench outside instead of entering the pub. I knew that the loud and noisy bar would only give me a headache (to add insult to injury).

I turned around so that my knees were on the bench and I was sitting on my heels, and peered inside. Rosmerta, the friendly and chatty barmaid, was currently solving a dispute between two hairy warlocks, one of whom was holding a particularly sharp staff.

Sighing, I let my gaze wander. The windows were in need of cleaning (Rosmerta would probably tend to that today or tomorrow), and the side of the pub had a small message scribbled on it.

Curious, I leaned in to read. I was shocked when my chin crashed into something soft, yet solid. Peering down the back of the bench, I found myself gazing up into the eyes of James Potter.

Shock registered through me. Potter was the one following me all through town? A shiver raced down my spine. Something wasn’t right here. Even when he was being obnoxious, James knew when to leave me alone.

“James?” I whispered, clutching the back of the bench to get closer. “Why have you been following me around town?”

James didn’t answer; instead he blinked a few times.

I was suddenly aware of how glazed his eyes were. They weren’t bright and mischievous as usual, but large and dull. His face was oddly blank.

“Potter?” I asked, the uneasy feeling returning after its moment of absence. I placed my hand under his chin (the only bit I could reach). “Answer me.”

James took a few shallow, ragged breaths before answering.

“I’m here to kill you,” he breathed, pressing his wand to my temple.

****

No, the other part of my mind screams. But I have to do it. This is my mission; there is no other option. My resolution is fading, along with my ability to distinguish between right and wrong. I feel anger and hatred flowing through me; the overwhelming urge to kill no longer seems immoral.

I move from my original position, deciding my previous one did not give me a good enough view of my target. I need to get closer. Cautiously, I pull myself under a nearby bench. Odd, I think, but unexpected. My arms and legs quickly become stiff from the cold, my body chilled. My eyes follow her as she floats about, a tormented look on her face. I flinch at my knee-jerk reaction to comfort her, to tell her everything will be all right. Comfort the opposition? How absurd.

My heart leaps as she nears. I know this is my only chance. There is no room for human error. I must be precise, direct. Most of all, I must be devoid of mercy. One moment of hesitance could destroy me. Destroy this brilliant plan. But whose plan? I wonder. Surely, I know this is not of my own thinking... I block out these poisonous thoughts as my other half decides it is best for me to not become curious.

In these wasted moments, my target has drawn closer. She peers at something curiously, leaning closer to me. This is the moment.

Her sharp intake of breath tells me she has discovered me. She questions me softly, though the fear in her voice so evident. This is why we must be rid her. She is weak, the voice insists in a cruel undertone.

She wants to know why I have been following her. I don’t have an answer. I stare back blankly, exactly as I am supposed to. She is shaking now, plagued with terror. Her hand moves toward me, I make no move to avoid it. Her fingers lace themselves under my chin. They are warm and soft, reassuring somehow. Not knowing what has possessed me, I say, “I’m here to kill you.”

I raise my wand, as if to demonstrate what I mean. I grip her arm as she tries to back away. Tears fill her widened eyes; they stream down her face, as she comprehends what I am doing, her mouth forming an ‘o’ in shock. I walk around the bench, tightening my hold slightly to make sure she does not escape. She collapses to the ground. I can feel the terror gripping her heart. Something in me bursts, telling me this is wrong. I immediately let go, scared of myself.

I grip my hair in frustration. Petrified, she does not move.

“NO,” I hear myself roar. “You need to leave. Now. Get away from me;, hurry, just go! Please, Lily. I can’t…won’t do this. No.” I moan falling to the dampened earth, convulsing, my pain immense. She scrambles to her feet and picks up her wand. Her next move I do not anticipate. She kneels beside me, cradling my head. And I begin to fight.

****

James Potter, the boy famous for his infatuation with myself, has yelled at me. For some reason, it is this that makes me panic worse than I did when he first told me that he was going to kill me. Judging by his blank stare and impulse to kill me, my instinct tells me that something is wrong.

“Go!” James yells again, breaking away from me, pushing me away. His eyes are crazed and wild; his face red, tortured. I gasp as his fist collides with my face, and I can feel my lip instantly begin to puff up.

I scramble to my feet as though I’ve been electrocuted, and race off. I clutch my lip, feeling the pain. Thoughts run crazily through my head. What should I do? Should I force him to the castle or get help first? The latter seems easier, but that presents me with another problem. Should I contact Dumbledore or the Marauders first? The voice in my head says Dumbledore, but James’s friends would come to his aid faster. My whole heart wishing that we had not snuck out tonight.

What a mess I’ve gotten into.

I suddenly realise that I have stopped walking. I turn around, to see if James is still sitting down, and see an object come flying at me. I miraculously duck just in time and hear something shatter behind me. I bend down to examine the broken item, and am shocked to discover that they are Potter’s glasses. The lenses are shattered like a spider web; little pieces glistening on the ground. I quickly fix them, and am about to stand when I hear it.

“AVADA KEDAVRA!” shouts a voice, his voice, and I am painfully aware that I am about to die.

I never believed that your life could flash before your eyes. It seems too clichéd and unrealistic to ever be true. But, contrary to my opinion, I see hundreds of thousands of memories floating before me. My family and friends, my puppy dog cake on my third birthday, receiving an ‘Outstanding’ in Potions and Charms on my O.W.L.s, touching James’s face... they all swim in my vision in the few seconds after the curse has been uttered. Time seemed to slow as they blur my sight, overwhelming me, and I lie down on the ground as the bolt of green light flashes over me.

I suppose I should be grateful to be alive; however, I am more anxious than ever.

I sit up, feeling dazed. The Killing Curse had hit a nearby tree; chunks that had been blasted off now lay in odd lumps on the ground. I stare at the tree for some time. No one would care that the tree was dead and gone, but people would care if I had been the receiver of the curse instead.

I look away, a lump rising in my throat. It goes even higher when I find Potter kneeling in front of me, rocking back and forth like a disobedient house-elf. His eyes are back to normal, though very bloodshot, and I know his strange affliction is over.

I have no idea as to what to say, so I wordlessly hand him his glasses. He puts them on, eyes glassy with tears that threaten to spill over.

“Oh, Lily,” is all he manages to say before falling into me.

I hug him tightly, feeling hot tears of relief pour down mine as well as I try to process all that has just happened.

As I lie on the damp earth, my body shaking, Lily sends for help. My breathing is uneven and I find myself gasping for air, desperately sucking in cool, sharp breaths. I can’t believe I let this happen, it seems impossible. I had fallen victim so easily. Never have I felt as defenseless. What hurt the most is that I have no recollection. What had I done? It must have been terrible - unforgivable, even. I torture myself for what seems like hours with these questions. Finally, her warm hands comfort my face; she leans down and whispers to me.

“It’s…It’s okay James, you’re safe, we’re on our way back,” she chokes. With these words, I fade into the darkness that threatens to envelope me, gratefully slipping away.

*

I wake up to Lily’s watchful gaze; she looks relieved, and I can tell she’s been here at my side, waiting for me to rouse. I rub my eyes; they feel unbelievably sore, as does the rest of my body. Instinctively, I reach up to touch my forehead, but bandages wound tightly around my head keep me from evaluating the damage I’ve caused. She clears her throat gently, willing me to meet her eyes. I look up reluctantly, not wanting to ruin this moment of peace.

“Do you remember anything that happened the past few days?” she prompts gently, her emerald eyes searching mine.

“No,” I whisper hoarsely, wanting to freeze this moment, to disregard whatever mess I have gotten myself into.

“Well...yesterday, I had this feeling. It was awful; at the time I thought I was just being paranoid. But I knew something was wrong. You followed me, James. All day. I was so scared; I didn’t know what was happening to me, I couldn’t enjoy myself. I kept looking back, sure I had heard something…seen a flash of something…” she trails off, her eyes brimming with more unshed tears. I rest my hand on her arm. She shrugs it off like an unpleasant reminder. My bewildered look is her cue to continue.

“And then, I was just walking by myself, trying to clear my head. I got distracted and I wasn’t paying any attention. That’s when I ran into you. The first thing I noticed was your eyes. They looked so blank, so dead. It just wasn’t you. Everything was wrong. You looked like you wanted me dead and every time I tried to talk to you, to try and understand, you didn’t respond. It was like…like you weren’t even there, like you were in a trance.” Sobs erupt from her, echoing and ringing in my ears.

“Lily, please, shhh, I’m sorry. So sorry, Lily,” I plead, attempting to quell her burst of emotion.

“I-I’m not done. You need to hear this, James. You need to know that-that it wasn’t your fault,” she goes on, hiccupping; the salty tears are still running down her now ashen cheeks. “You kept pulling on me, telling me you had to kill me, that there was no other way out of it. But you were fighting, I could tell. You looked so torn. You screamed at me to go, to get away. One part of you wanting to hurt me very much, the other part incapable. You were so overwhelmed. I’d never seen someone so…so helpless, so broken. But I stayed. I couldn’t bring myself to leave you. I knew that you were in there somewhere. I knew that you wouldn’t ever kill anyone.”

“And?” I break in tentatively, shock and horror lacing my tone.

“Then you really did try and kill me.”

“What? Lily, I never-“

“Oh, stop, please, I know. I know. But that seemed to make the difference. You became yourself again. There was life in your eyes again. After that, you blacked out. Dumbledore showed up, McGonagall, too, and a few others. I’ve never seen him look so furious. He’s tried to keep it quiet but…everyone knows something’s happened, everyone’s been whispering in the halls, talking about it in secret. James, you were Imperiused,” she states.

“I know. You gave me that note remember? I was supposed to meet you in the Astronomy Tower. But you weren’t there, someone else was. It was too quick; I didn’t have time to react. I only remember the words that hit my ears. The way I felt ripped in two, fighting to both kill you and save you. It seems clearer now that…now that you’ve told me.” I am about to continue but her eyes are flooded with confusion.

“James, I didn’t give you a note,” she begins, horrified.

“Yes, you did. I got it with the morning post.” I reach into my pocket. The note is still there. I pull out the crumpled piece of parchment. “Here.” She takes it nervously with trembling fingers.

A gasp comes from her. “I didn’t write this. James, this wasn’t me.”

“I don’t understand. That’s your writing, Lily, I know it is.”

“I know,” she says fretfully, “but I never wrote this note, James. I need to get Dumbledore, we need to talk to him now.” She quickly jumps from my bedside. “Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out.” She begins to walk at a brisk pace. As I turn back around, my face meets that of someone all too familiar. And suddenly, I know, this is the person who had started it all. I hear more footsteps coming closer. Please let it be Dumbledore, I think. It is Lily and she is alone.

“James, I forgot to ask, did you-” Lily stops dead in her tracks, her eyes widening in alarm. And that’s when time stopped altogether.

****
“You!”

A rather hasty and dramatic accusation, I know. But let’s dwell into a little back-story, shall we?

Bellatrix Black has been striking fear into everyone’s hearts since she first stepped into the school. She knows enough hexes to write a spell book, and is described by her own family member (a certain Sirius Black) as a sadist. She’s merciless and extremely powerful- no one, student or adult alike, would ever want the cross her path.

So, needless to say, I was utterly terrified to see her in the Hospital Wing, pointing her wand in my face, ready to shout a curse. I heard James gasp behind me, and prayed that he would stay seated.

“Yes, me,” says Bellatrix, grinning evilly, and rather insanely.

My first thought is, How did she get in here? And then I think, Your wand, you idiot!

My hand instantly flies to my pocket, but I hesitate. Bellatrix watches me intently, scrutinising my every move.

I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to die, fight for my existence, or even miss death once more. I want Bellatrix to go away, for this to have never happened, and I want to be with James, happy and whole.

Be with James? Where’d that come from?

I think of James, trapped under his bed sheets, unable to do anything (Madam Pomfrey said he fractured his ankle). Then I look down at the note in my right hand. The note he gave me.

I am being selfish. James is in this as much as I am; he deserves to be at ease, and know that no one is going to force him to kill the ones he cares for. It is then I realise that I have feelings for James as well, and it is those feelings that made me pull out my wand and shout, “Incarcerous!”

Instantly, ropes fly into the air, but Bellatrix merely laughs and shoots another curse. The ropes burst into flames; the fire quickly drops to the floor and begins to spread.

I scream, and back up against the wall as the flames begin to lick around my ankles. Bellatrix raises her wand, ready to say another curse, but then-

“Protego!”

A shield appears between me and Bellatrix. My attacker’s face contorts in fury, and she opens her mouth once more.

“Lily, move!” James calls. “I don’t know how long the spell will hold!”

I hide behind a hospital bed. I try my best to extinguish the flames, but to no avail. Instead, I simply hold my wand at the ready.

“Stupefy!” I yell as Bellatrix draws closer, firing the spell over my sanctuary.

Please come, Dumbledore... Madam Pomfrey... anyone...

I miss; Bellatrix leers at me.

“You’re done for, Mudblood,” she sneers.

With a strangled yelp, James hops out of his bed, and joins the fight. He and Bellatrix start to duel one another. She fires a spell that almost hits his ear; but James is skilled and ducks nearly every blow.

Knowing I have to act, I stand and use a hex that the Marauders were famous for using. Suddenly, Bellatrix is hanging by her ankle, shock residing on her stunning features.

Her mouth contorts into a cruel smirk.

“Think you’ve won, have you?” she spits. “This isn’t the last time you’ve heard from me or the Dark Lord.”

So she works for Lord Voldemort. It all makes sense now. But why is her mission; to get me, a worthless Muggle-born, killed?

“He told you to do this?” James roars. He apparently hasn’t had enough time to think this through.

Bellatrix says snidely, “It was for you to join us, Potter. You’d make wonderful Death Eater material; much better than my useless cousin. Killing your own lover would certainly turn you over, right?”

James furiously shakes his head, his eyes blazing. Bellatrix smiles wickedly.

“Of course, now that you’ve failed, I have to do the dirty work for you.” She turns in the air, the fire dancing under her head, smoke rising to her face. “I learned this one from a friend. Sectumsempra!”

I feel as though a hundred swords slash at me just then; I look down to see blood slowly pooling at my feet. The floor collides rather suddenly with my head, and the last thing I hear is James’s yell.

“LILY!”

*

It is quiet. My eyelids feel heavy at first, but I hear a noise, so I reluctantly open them.

James is staring intently into my face, but blushes when he notices that I’m watching.

“You’re awake,” he says, stating the obvious. “How are you?”

I try to say “Fine,” but nothing comes out.

James takes my hand, and surprisingly, I don’t feel the urge to shake it off like all the other times he has tried to touch me.

“Dumbledore will be back soon,” he tells me. “He’s meeting with the Minister.”

“Why?” Good, I can talk.

“They need to catch Bellatrix Lestrange.”

Lestrange. So she’s married now. I pity her husband.

James sighs and looks away. “I’m sorry, Lily. I let her get away. I was putting out the fire and then she was gone...”

“It’s all right, James,” I say, squeezing his hand. He returns the gesture, rubbing his thumb back and forth on my hand.

“What did the spell do?” I ask; I am curious, in a morbid sort of way.

James shudders, and it takes him a few moments to answer. Breathing rather raggedly, he replies, “It sort of cut you open... all over the place. You were bleeding so much, I thought...”

The look on his face is almost too much to bear. I scoot closer.

“Dumbledore cured you,” he goes on, “They gave you a blood-replenishing potion and everything.”

It is then that I notice that I am wrapped in bandages. We both are; and we are in pyjamas, too.

“Where is Madam Pomfrey?” I ask, looking around for the matron. The hospital doesn’t look burned; our genius of a headmaster must have repaired it.

“With Dumbledore,” James answers. “The Minister wanted to know how you were.”

I nod, not sure what to say. Finally, I blurt, “I’m such an idiot.”

James looks at me, alarmed. “What makes you say that?”

“I should have just hexed her,” I cry. “I shouldn’t have hesitated, I should have-“

“Lily.” James’s voice cuts over mine. “You are not an idiot. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was natural to hesitate.”

“But-”

“You were also very brave that night. If I had to get stuck in this mess with anyone else, I’m not sure what the outcome would be. Thanks to you, a servant of Voldemort is being tracked as we speak.”

I flinch at the name.

“Relax, Lily- it’s just a name. It’s no worse than saying Bellatrix’s name.”

I nod, and then slowly smile. “You’re wrong,” I whisper.

He looks confused. “What?”

“I am an idiot,” I say. “I’m an idiot for not realizing the real James Potter, the one who will fight the Imperius Curse for someone and fight an evil witch in the midst of a fire.”

James chuckles. “I’ll be sure to put that on my resume,” he jokes.

I smile. Then I am hit with an idea.

“James, can I...?”

“I was hoping to do the honors myself,” James admits, understanding completely.

“Go ahead, then,” I tell him, feeling a rush of excitement race through my body.

James grins, and swiftly moves his head down.

And then he kisses me.

*

After what felt like years, we break apart. James is beaming like a fool; his eyes are bright and his face is flushed.

“That was amazing,” he breathes. “I’ve been waiting for years to do that.”

I laugh, enjoying the feeling of being happy. James adjusts himself on my bed, so that I lean against him.

“Oh my,” says a voice.

James and I look up to see Madam Pomfrey, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Hagrid at the entrance of the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey looks shocked; McGonagall merely surprised; Hagrid amazed; and Dumbledore; amused. It was the Headmaster who had spoken.

“Fine time you got together,” Professor McGonagall says briskly as she made her way across the room.

James throws his head back and laughs. We all laugh with him, the joyous sound echoing through the room.

“Well,” says Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling merrily. “We’ll give you two a few moments to yourselves, but then we must discuss the events these past few days.”

James and I nod, and the adults walk into Madam Pomfrey’s office.

I smile up at him; but James looks distracted.

“What’s wrong?”

James sighs. “These past few days... I should have realized that you hadn’t written the note. I should have stopped her from Imperiusing me, I should have tried harder not to kill you, I should have held the Shield Charm up longer, I should have... Lily, I’m the one who’s an idiot, not you.”

“We’ve both been idiots,” I say.

James nods, gazing into my face as though it is the most important thing in the world.

“Idiots in love, that is.”

James thinks about that. “I like it.” He leans in to kiss me again.

Yes, idiots in love, we are. And that is the way it should be.