The Quiet Things

By cassie123

Sirius and I were destined to fall apart, and I could always tell he was going to do all that he could to hold us together. His commitment should have comforted me, but all it ever did was keep me worried.

It was excruciatingly hard being with someone knowing that every second with them was precious, that time could be up at any moment. But he had simply refused to believe that our relationship was a bomb waiting to blow, and I suppose I was just terrified that he was going to get buried under the debris.

I shouldn’t have allowed him to become that naive, it only made it harder when the time came for us to part ways. Some might say that I had been leading him on, but I knew that I wasn’t. I wanted this more than anything in the world, it’s just that Sirius seemed to have wanted it more.

I would have finished things with him myself, if I could have actually explained why I was so certain it had to end. I was unable to justify the things I felt, so I doubted Sirius would have understood any reasoning I put forth.

The truth was, for whatever reason, I had convinced myself that I was not good enough for him. I was barely worthy of his friendship, let alone his love. And eventually, somehow, Sirius figured that out for himself.

Once, I did try to end it. Had my voice been heard that day, a whole lot of heartache could have been prevented.

‘How long can we go on like this, Sirius?’ I had bravely inquired, my head resting on his naked shoulder as we lay together under the rich-coloured sheets of my bed. His arm wrapped casually around my side, holding me close to him.

‘What do you mean?’ he’d breathed. I lifted my head, glancing over at his pleasant expression.

‘Well,’ I’d begun, ‘don’t you think this is all too good to be true?’

As soon as I had said it, I realised my mistake. Of course Sirius didn’t feel that way, he was the one that was too good for me.

‘Sometimes,’ he’d whispered, startling me with his response. ‘But I shouldn’t. Because this is true, this is real.’

I placed my head down on his bare chest, breathing in his scent. His words weren’t enough. I needed to feel him for the truth to settle in.

‘You’ve got this all figured out, haven’t you?’ I’d smiled.

‘Yep,’ he’d said lazily.

‘I can’t see how...’ I couldn’t help but say.

Sirius had actually laughed. ‘You’re so concentrated on us falling apart. Just... believe in us.’*

With the arm around my waist, he pulled me closer to his body. I only wished I could have had his faith.

This moment had not given me the confidence it should have. It was clear that he loved me, and I couldn’t help but love him in return. But I’d always had this feeling, a sense that this, like most other things, would not last forever.

I did recall a moment when I thought that, finally, our relationship was closing down, without needing my help at all.

I had watched my friend disappear before me, Apparating out of my small home, leaving Sirius and I sitting alone in the kitchen.

‘James deserves to know,’ he had said, his grey eyes staring intently into mine.

I’d sighed. ‘I know. But I don’t think I can...’

His expression immediately transformed into a slight mixture of hurt and anger. ‘I’ll tell him, then.’

‘Sirius, please, is it really necessary?’

‘Yes!’ he’d exclaimed, frustrated. ‘Why must we hide this? Do you think that James won’t understand?’

I had shaken my head. ‘It’s not that...’

‘Well what is it, then?’ His eyes were wide, confused. ‘Do you think I’ll let you down? Well, I won’t.’**

I had continued to shake my head. I had never wanted him to believe that he was at fault when the fault was clearly all mine.

Sirius had been wrong in suggesting that he would be the one to let me down, but he had definitely been on the right track. If we were to have told everyone about us, I didn’t think I could have handled having to tell them when we were no longer together.

Having never told anyone about Sirius and I, there was still reason to believe we had ever been real. Because, well, if a tree falls down in the woods and nobody hears it, who is there to prove that it ever actually happened?

I now sat in the same place in my kitchen as I had then, but at this moment I was alone. As I deserved to be.

This house now felt different to me, like I wasn’t meant to be alone in it. After all the times I had hoped, for Sirius’ sake, that he’d stop visiting, it seemed this house was only meant for the two of us anyway.

I knew I would have to leave it soon, there were too many things I needed to forget but couldn’t under this roof. Each time I visited my bedroom, I was haunted by the same memory.

I had heard him bounding up the stairs, and I felt slightly excited. Every day I felt the thrill of Sirius returning home to me despite knowing I should be asking him to leave. That day, however, my excitement had crumbled at the sight of Sirius’ face. He didn’t look at me as he entered the bedroom, but I had seen in his eyes that he was not just upset, but furious.

‘Sirius?’ I’d asked hesitantly. ‘Is everything –’

‘Where’s my bag?’ he’d interrupted, pacing the room in search of the bag, I supposed. Sirius had always left a pack at my house filled with some clothes for when he’d stay over. The fact that he wanted to take it with him immediately troubled me.

‘Where are you going?’ I’d quickly questioned.

He never looked up at me. ‘Away.’

I felt my heart-rate quicken as he uttered the word. This was the moment I’d been expecting this entire time, but once I had it in reach, it panicked me.

I stood in the middle of the bedroom, exasperated by the fact that Sirius just wouldn’t look at me.

After thoroughly searching the room, Sirius found his bag. I watched helplessly as he made to depart the bedroom. I should have let him go, but the usually stifled erratic part of me took control of my body and sent me jumping the stairs after Sirius.

‘Sirius, please, just wait!’ I had called, reaching him before the front door. He stopped, tilting his head down, but still refusing to turn and face me.

‘I don’t understand,’ I’d said. ‘Why now?’

I had wondered how he had so easily understood what I’d meant. ‘You said it yourself,’ he’d mumbled. ‘Things were just too good to be true.’

And then he’d swung open the front door, the last I saw of him being his hand clutching his pack tightly before the door slammed shut behind him.

To this day, I couldn’t decipher what was going through Sirius’ mind during those moments, no matter how hard I tried. I found myself agonising over his actions, the way his gaze never met mine. He had clearly been furious with me, but for what reason, I didn’t think I’d ever discover.

While I spent so much time scrutinising that event, I also noticed that guilt had invaded my body, but not nearly as much as this obsession had. Guilt for how dominant this fixation with the past had become, while I had more things to worry about that the love Sirius may or may not have had for me.

I finally allowed grief to flood through me as I stared at the newspaper before me. Crushing the sides of the paper under the tightness of my fist, the headline clearly read: BLACK: IMPRISONED WITHOUT TRIAL.

I was only mildly surprised by the tears that sprang to my eyes, in fact, I had expected them a lot sooner than this.

What has he done? I found myself repeating over and over in my mind. Something so terrible... so unforgivable... And I hated myself for not being able to hate him! What has he done?

As much as I didn’t want those moments to be my final memories of Sirius, I couldn’t bring myself to see him... not now.

And yet, the more I thought about it, the more desirable the idea of visiting him seemed. I needed to know, had he planned this from the beginning? Was our friendship, our love, all a lie? Of course it was... it had to have been.

Was he so hostile towards me that night so that I wouldn’t go after him and get in the way of his plan? Or did he simply want to keep me out of the line of fire? I couldn’t help but long for the latter.

I felt a sudden build up of rage, hate for myself. Hurling the newspaper across the table and onto the floor, I pushed my hands against my face in frustration, hiding the tears that formed in my eyes from no one.

Was it so self-centered to think that this was my entire fault? I knew that it was. My friends hadn’t died at my hands, they had died because of him. The man that I should never have loved, but somehow, in an unbearable way, still did.

But this was all I had ever wanted, for Sirius to leave me on his own terms. It was just unfortunate that his terms had resulted in the deaths of our best friends. But how could I complain, when I had been asking for it to end this entire time?

It was all I could ever have asked for, a broken relationship that no one had ever known about. Because, in the end, Sirius and I were just one of those quiet things... that no one would ever know.***