Changing

There are two types of change in life. The first is the gradual kind, where each moment passes and, day-to-day, nothing seems different. Life is the same as it’s always been, but then, looking back years later, everything has altered. It’s like when autumn’s leaves begin to drift off of the branches. No one seems to notice that they’re slowly falling – not until snow covers bare boughs.

Then there are the sudden changes. The whirlwind changes; the kind that leave you spinning in your spot. The kind that turn your life upside down, that tear you apart, the kind that result in sleepless nights and sorrow. The kind that you can pinpoint to that certain day, the day it all changed.

Of course, they grow on one another.

I didn’t think about this day enough, and now that it’s here, I’m unprepared for the abrupt turn that my life is about to take. But not only am I unprepared for that, I’m also unprepared to see the result of seven years of the small changes of growing up.

That scares me. It all scares me. I’m being pushed off of a ledge, into the deep end, with nothing left to cling to. Even as this day approached, I’ve had the final months to hold on to, then the final weeks, even the final days. Now I have nothing. Only the ambiguity of the rest of my life.

“Are you done packing, Rose?� Andy Colette asks from behind me, probably wondering what I am doing, staring at our room. Our old room.

I don’t answer for a few seconds. I let my eyes linger on every part of the room, taking it all in for the last time, urging myself not to cry. But as I try to recall every memory, every smile shared, every joke laughed at, every late-night conversation and every mess made – every scrap of seven years of my life – knowing that the room will never be ours again, tears begin to prickle the corners of my eyes.

“Yes,� I finally answer, voice hard and strained as I forced the word from between my lips. I want to run back to my bed, and, if only for a few minutes, go back to being the fifteen year old who had to forever stay up all night finishing homework because of a blossoming romance. Or fall back to third year when Andy and I spent months trying to brew Amortenia, hiding all of the books and ingredients under her bed. I want to scream and hug my bedpost. I want a few more minutes, another year, anything. I just want more time. I’m not ready to give up it all up yet. I’m not ready to let go.

“Come on, then! Our parents should be here soon!� Andy says brightly, and her attitude makes me both angry and envious. She is so ready for the next part of her life and, with that, so ready to leave everything behind. Didn’t your time here mean anything? I want to scream. How can you forget it all so quickly? Every friend, every memory?

My legs mechanically begin to move to follow her, but my eyes stay glued to the room. They drink in every last glimpse, hold onto every surface, every crevice, they touch. I swallow the lump in my throat; knowing that it is time to go, time to close the door. So I look away. I look forward, feeling as though I am leaving a piece of me behind.

“Well, I’m glad you gave up the not-going-to-graduation nonsense, anyway,� Andy comments, her voice still light.

“Yeah,� I mutter, putting one foot in front of the other.

“I mean, really, it wasn’t Scorpius’ fault.� Andy’s tone makes me angry and I roll my eyes. I guess that subject is still a sore spot; even if I pretend that it’s not. When I don’t answer, she continues. “He would have given it to you if he could, you know.�

Since when is Andy the expert on Scorpius Malfoy? What does she even know about him? About our relationship? I grind my teeth together to stop from snapping.

As Andy continues to chatter away and we inch closer to the Great Hall, Korrin Lathrop joins us.

“What are you guys up to?� she asks, falling into step with us.

“Where’s Al?� I respond, searching around for my cousin, used to seeing him closely intertwined with Korrin.

“Oh, off with his sister. She’s probably trying to talk him away from me, same as always. Where’s Scorpius?�

I shrug. I hadn’t even thought about it, but now that I do, I realize I have no idea where he is. I wouldn’t even know where to look.

“Sooo.� Korrin bumps into me, grinning. “Has Scorpius proposed yet?� My eyes visibly widen and Andy laughs out loud.

“Proposed?� I laugh, sure that both Andy and Korrin are joking. How could they not be? We haven’t even graduated from Hogwarts yet.

“You’ve been together for a long time, haven’t you?� Korrin asks and, for a moment, although we’re friends, I can see why Lily doesn’t like her.

“Two years,� I mumble. To them, two years sounds like forever; I can see it in Korrin’s eyes. She is already picturing herself walking down the aisle in a champagne-colored bridesmaid dress. I know because everyone thinks the same thing. Sometimes even my parents. They met at Hogwarts, and in the back of their minds, think their fate awaits me and Scor – two kids, a pet cat and a white-picket fence. I hate to break it to them, but I have no intention of spending eternity with Scorpius Malfoy.

“That’s a long time,� Korrin says.

“I guess…� I don’t want to talk about this. I have enough problems with graduation today. I can’t handle an analysis of my relationship with my boyfriend too.

“You guess?�

“I don’t really think about it. We’re just…hanging out…I suppose.�

Korrin laughs. “Well, I hope that Al doesn’t think we’re just ‘hanging out.’�

“Nah, Al’s crazy about you. He’d marry you tomorrow.�

“And Scorpius wouldn’t?� Andy chirps in.

The Great Hall is right there and I’m ready to walk through the doors. I can’t stand Andy and Korrin pressing me anymore. None of these things are their business. They will never understand how I feel. It isn’t that I don’t love Scorpius. I don’t feel indifference toward him or anything like that. He’s found a way into me, and now he’s part of me. He’s part of me in a way that I never anticipated.

But I’m lost. I don’t know who I am and, because of that, I don’t know where he fits in.

“Rose!� my mother calls out to me as I enter the Great Hall. Some kids and parents are sitting together, but a lot of parents haven’t arrived yet. I spot Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny next to my parents, Al and Lily walking in a few moments after us.

As I approach the Gryffindor table, where my family has naturally settled, my mother pops up. When I get there, she smoothes my hair and pulls me into a hug. “I can’t believe you’re graduating. It’s…�

“Crazy?� I supply. She smiles a little and nods. “I know.� My mother gives me another hug, then pulls me into the seat between her and my father.

“Rosie.� He puts his arm around me. “My little grad! I remember the day you were born…� My mother's groan cuts my father off, which causes him to wrinkle his brow and gaze at her.

“What?� he asks her. “I do. Just like it was yesterday.�

“I’m sure you do, but I’m sure Rose doesn’t want to go there today.�

Aunt Ginny laughs. “I have to agree. You do tell the story at every one of Rose’s birthday parties.�

“Rose?� my father asks, looking for an ally. That’s what I usually am, even if I don’t completely agree with his view all the time.

“How about later?� I suggest. “I don’t mind the story.�

“Okay, later, even though today is a day for moving forward, Ron. No need to linger on the past and tell the story again.�

My dad mumbles something that I can’t make out, something Uncle Harry must hear, because he laughs out loud.

My dad starts telling a story about work and Uncle Harry joins in, engrossing both my mum and Aunt Ginny. That’s when Al nudges me from a few seats down.

“Scorpius is looking for you,� he says, and I am stricken by how much he looks like Uncle Harry. They’ve always looked very similar, but once in a while, it pops out at me.

“I should prolly talk to him…� My voice drifts off. Part of me really wanted to see him, the other part of me, not so much. I’m still jealous. I’m still confused. But it’s still Scor, and that’s becoming evermore apparent.

I crane my neck to get a better look at the Slytherin table. I easily pick out blonde hair, but when I glimpse the face, I realize that it’s not Scorpius. It’s his father, and Scor isn’t with him.

“Hey, Al.� I lean backwards and reach behind my aunt and uncle to poke him. “Where’s Scor?�

“Last I saw, he was looking for you,� he responds, tilting backwards as well.

“Wanna take a walk?�

Al glances at Lily, who is again making her case against Korrin. He gives me a nod, says something to Lily, and rises.

“We’ll be back in a few minutes,� I say to our families. They’re all talking merrily, and I’m sure they won’t miss us.

The hallways are full of the stragglers – those last-minute kids, sprinting to meet their awaiting families while throwing unpacked items into their bags. But after a few minutes, things are quiet, only the sound of our feet slapping the ground reverberates through the tunnel-like hallways.

Al’s hands are firmly in his pockets, but his eyes are everywhere else. They glide across every surface, rapidly darting back and forth, trying to capture it all. He wants to remember, to suck in all into his brain and hold it in. I know because it’s what I’ve been doing all day.

In that moment, I feel a surprising closeness to Al. I always have, really. More so, though. We are the same – both caught in a tangle between the past and the future, both sliding forward while our fingertips grasp the edge. We understand each other. We understand why we are both aimlessly wandering through the castle with no intention of looking for Scorpius. Instead, we memorize the curve of doorknobs and the angle of ceilings.

“I can’t believe it’s been seven years,� he finally says, as if the piece of information is just striking him. His eyes trail over the ground, widening a little as the reality sets in.

“I know. I just… I can’t believe it.� I take a breath, urging the tears to stay put. I don’t want to cry, not walking around Hogwarts, not with Al. “Seven years… and I don’t even know where it all went.�

“Beats me. I was eleven yesterday.� He laughs. “Remember that day?�

“What? Our first day?� He nods, still not looking at me, but eyes now lost in the portraits on the wall – portraits that he’s seen so many times before.

I laugh now, but it doesn’t come out as a real laugh. It’s a laugh with a desire to cry, so my eyes begin to burn.

“Yeah.�

I wonder why he even asks. Of course I remember it. I remember every last detail, from the excitement of that morning to the restlessness of the night – my first night at Hogwarts. How could I sleep?

We get lost in our thoughts again as out feet move us through the castle. They have their own agenda, rich with the knowledge of when to stride a little slower or take a long step.

“Rose!� Our feet are joined by another pair – those of Scorpius. I breathe in, so far away that his presence barely hits me. How can Scorpius’ appearance affect me when I am leaving the place I love? It doesn’t matter. Not really.

“I should get back. I’ll tell your parents that you’ll be back in a bit. Ceremony starts in an hour,� Al says simply. He is so good, always knowing when to give privacy, never eagerly prying or insistently bothering. I love this about him.

As Al disappears in the other direction, Scorpius looks at me expectantly, but I don’t look back. I don’t know what to say, so what’s on my mind spills out before I can censor and sift the thoughts.

“I’m scared.�

“So am I.�

The words envelope us both. The world stops turning and we are left, standing there, facing each other. Two people, just two out of billions, connected by the grandness of everything, by a feeling neither of us saw in the other.

And just like that, the world starts to spin again. We both breathe easy, iron off of our lungs.

“Are you still mad at me?� Scorpius asks, rather timidly.

I shake my head. “I wasn’t mad at you.� He raises his eyebrows, forehead crinkling, and I laugh. “Okay. Maybe a little. But you deserve it. I’m proud of you.� He tilts his head slightly. “Really,� I urge.

And I am. Scorpius is at the top of our class. He beat me. And that’s fine. It’s taken me a while, but I finally understand that he wanted it too. He worked for it, maybe even harder than me. Even if he says it means nothing to him, it’s not true. Scorpius is valedictorian, something he earned.

I had felt betrayed before. Betrayed by everyone – Scorpius, the professors, but most of all, the school. I felt that I loved the school more than anyone else. I thought that since I held the castle so close to me, it owed me this. The school owed me for my devotion.

“Thank you,� he says, our arms brushing. He takes my hand.

We walk for a few minutes, making our way back to our families, to our future.

“I don’t want to get married. I just wanted to let you know.� I can tell Scorpius is amused by my sentiment. He smiles casually, as if the piece of information means nothing to him. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe, while the rest of the world thought of wedding rings and flowers, he didn’t. Neither of us did.

“Me either. But maybe, one day.�

I nod. “One day.�

As I walk with my hand entwined with Scorpius’, I have to chuckle a little bit. Over seven years ago, when I first walked through the doors of the castle, I couldn’t have imagined being where I am in this moment. Scorpius Malfoy was the farthest thing on my mind that September day. And now I’m here.

But I guess that is life. We all mark days in our mind. They’re always there, and there’s comfort in that – the impending, the things to look forward to. But we never actually picture ourselves there. We never imagine who we’ll be then, what changes we will have undergone, and that makes the experiences more terrifying.

The glorified days turn out to be ridiculously ordinary – mornings and nights – not so different from all the others. I graduate today. It’s one of those days of change, a day I’ll always pinpoint in my mind, but it doesn’t feel like it. I’m still Rose. I still have Scorpius and Al and Andy and my parents and my family. I still have the important things.

Maybe things aren’t so different after all, where it counts, of course.