I was up before sunrise that morning, which came as a surprise even to me. I, Lily Evans, was not what you would call an early bird, sometimes managing to stay in bed until one or even two in the afternoon during holidays. However, this morning’s odd occurrence might have been due to the fact that I had not slept a wink the night before. For the first several hours, I had tossed and turned, kicked the covers off and pulled them up again, and flipped my pillow over to the colder side an endless number of times. Finally, in the small hours of the morning, I gave it up as a sleepless night and sat up in bed, pushing strands of dark red hair out of my pale face.

Silently, I crept out of bed and slinked across the room to a very large window in the center of the wall – my favorite part of an otherwise nondescript bedroom. I slid the window open, stuck my face into the cool night air, and heaved a sigh. A good number of stars still twinkled in the sky above me, but the horizon was already tinged with grey and dawn was fast approaching. My head throbbed, my eyes felt heavy, but I did not return to bed. My head wasn’t the only part of me aching – my conscience was, too. I must have sprained it or something.

I sighed again. Well, Lily Evans, you’ve really done it this time.

Yes, I really had done it, but I couldn’t seem to remember why as my thought turned once again to the person I had been contemplating all night. My boyfriend, James – no, I had to stop thinking of him that way – only problem was, I didn’t want to. ‘Ex-boyfriend’ was such an ugly word, an ugly, tearing word. It made me wince, because it was my fault that I now had to use ‘ex-boyfriend’ to refer to James.

Why? Why had I done it? Why did I go around pushing away every good thing or person that ever happened to me? Was it just in my nature to ruin things? The problem was that not just had I broken up with James; I had lied to him. The word reverberated in my head: liar, liar, liar.

I replayed that fateful conversation that had taken place on the last day of school in my head. "James,� I had said, pleading with him to understand, “this won’t work out. It can’t work out. This isn’t meant to be.�

And at the time I had believed it. It was the end of the year, and we were leaving school and heading off into the world to start our lives, and I couldn’t believe that I would be with James Potter – James, who had teased and annoyed and provoked me to no end – James, who I had seemingly hated for so long.

Inevitably, some tears rose to my eyes, and I brushed them away impatiently. There I was, crying because of my own stupidity. Crying because of James. I stepped back from the window and slid it shut, perhaps a little harder than I normally would have. I tiptoed back across the room, snatched up Jane Eyre from my bedside table, and settled in for a good long read. But I only took in half of what was happening in the book, because while I read, a plan was forming in the back of my mind…


* * * *


By the time morning came about and the sun made its appearance over the horizon, my head was drooping and Charlotte Bronte’s elegant banter was beginning to blur before my eyes. However, at the first sound of movement from downstairs, I snapped the book shut, leapt out of bed, and sauntered down said stairs, not bothering to change out of my silky blue pyjamas.

I found my mother in the kitchen, fixing breakfast in the Muggle way that I was still so accustomed to. “Morning, Mum,� I yawned, shuffling over to the counter and pouring myself some coffee, filling the mug to the brim.

“Good morning, Lily, dear,� she said, busy as usual. Her similar red hair was tied up in a loose bun on top of her head, her blue eyes preoccupied. She paused, glancing up from a pan full of sizzling bacon to give me a swift look of concern. “Are you feeling quite well?�

“’M all right,� I said, stifling another large yawn. “Just didn’t sleep very well last night. D’you want some help with that?� I added, watching her begin to scramble some eggs. She smiled but shook her head.

“I can handle it. You go sit down. It’ll be ready soon enough.�

I obliged without complaint, sitting down at the table and taking a deep draught from my mug of coffee, hoping the caffeine would take effect quickly. Sure enough, I felt a bit more awake when, ten minutes later, Mum slid a plateful of eggs and bacon in front of me. “Thanks,� I said gratefully, as my stomach gave a loud rumble. My mother said nothing, but kissed the top of my head before hurrying back to the counter.

I was ravenous, but I ate slowly, debating whether and when to make known to my mother my plans for the day. Meanwhile I simply watched her – she had returned to the table with a mug of coffee and was half-hidden behind the newspaper she was now reading. She was sitting in the chair that usually would have been filled by my sister Petunia; but Petunia had moved in with her detestable boyfriend Vernon Dursley at the start of the summer holidays. I was quite glad of this, as now I didn’t have to put up with her scowling at me every time I walked into the room.

I had graduated from Hogwarts that year, but hadn’t moved out of the house yet – I wasn’t quite ready to leave; the world seemed very big and frightening, especially with all the recent murders. My worst fear – as was everyone else’s – was to come home to find the Dark Mark set over the house. Recently I had given a lot of thought to joining The Order of the Phoenix, the secret society set up by Dumbledore to fight Voldemort and his Death Eaters, but for now I just wanted to stay with my family.

By now I had come to the end of my breakfast. I swallowed one last spoonful of eggs, studied my mother for another minute, and then cleared my throat.

“Er - Mum…you won’t be needing me around the house today, will you?�

She lowered her glasses and frowned at me. “No, I suppose not. Why?�

“Well, I was just going to go visit – to go visit…erm…someone,� I finished lamely.

My mother raised an eyebrow. “Lily, you’ve never been any good at hiding things from me. Or from anybody else, for that matter.�

This was too true. I put my face in my hands and groaned. “You know me too well.�

“I’m your mother, dear.�

“All right, all right.� I looked up, my face a bright shade of pink, which must have clashed magnificently with my hair. “James Potter. I’m going to visit James.� At this confession, my mother’s face immediately split into a beaming smile. She had adored James and had been severely disappointed when I had informed her of the break-up just two weeks ago.

I hurried to prevent her hopes from rising. “Mum, I’m just going to talk to him – “

“Of course, dear.�

“Mum!�

“Whatever you say.�

Finally, after another quarter of an hour, we stood up from the table and my mother suggested that I go get dressed. “You probably don’t want to show up at the Potters’ in pyjamas, now, do you?� she said, still looking ridiculously pleased at the prospect of James and me getting together again.

I hurried out of the kitchen. For me, getting dressed was never a very big deal, but today was slightly different. Eventually I settled on dark pants and my favorite green top, as it was much too hot out for robes. I put my hair up, took it down again, and put it back up. I picked up my wand and considered using it. No, Evans, let’s not cause a catastrophe. I scowled at the mirror. Why do you care so much what he thinks? I buried my face in my arms and groaned. Of course I cared what James thought.

Turning away from my reflection, I sank down onto my bed. What would James think when he saw me standing in the doorway? Would he be happy to see me, welcome me back with open arms? For some reason I found this highly unlikely. Maybe he had stopped caring completely. In the fortnight that we had not seen each other, could he have gotten over his long-held feelings for me?

I smiled a little at this. It was hard to imagine James Potter, who had shouted Hogsmeade invitations at me in the hallway at school, getting over his feelings. Hard to imagine, but not impossible.

Probably, Evans, he’s just angry with you, intoned the small voice in my head. Yes, I thought, this was most likely it: James was angry with me, and he had good reason to be. But somehow, coming to a conclusion, which usually made me feel better, made me feel only worse.

I rolled over and pressed my face into the pillows. In my mind’s eye, I replayed the same memories that I had gone over and over again for the past two weeks – memories of James, some of the best memories I had. Holding hands one sunshiny day by the lake, laughing over butterbeers in The Three Broomsticks, talking quietly by the fire one cold night... I pictured his messy black hair and hazel eyes that were always lit up with laughter, his grinning face. Then I sat up and wrapped my arms around myself, cradling an ache that had arisen somewhere inside me.

“Lily, dear,� my mother’s voice rose from downstairs. “Ready to go? I’ve called a cab for you.� I could, of course, apparate, but I really rather detested that particular method of travel. I had never been to the Potters’ in my life and had no idea what it might look like.

I picked myself up off the bed with a set face, determination welling up inside me. I was brave enough to do this. I had to be.

***

Madness.

What could have possibly possessed you to do this, Evans? The thought ran through my mind as a drop of sweat trickled down my neck and onto the leather seat back behind me. Why had I ventured so far from the shores of sanity, what had made me think that going to visit James Potter could possibly be a good idea? I could think of no answers to these questions as I ran a hand across my damp forehead. The midday sun beat down unmercifully through the windshield of the taxicab, and I was sweating bullets, half from the heat and half from nerves.

I had spent the long cab-ride thinking, and had come to this conclusion: I, Lily Evans, was not - and never would be - brave enough to do this. I had no idea why I had imagined that I could be. It was impossible. I regretted ever climbing into this cab and rattling off the Potters' address to the driver. Moreover, I regretted ever thinking of this crazy idea.

I had considered asking the driver (a large, beefy man who reminded me eerily of my sister’s boyfriend Vernon) to turn around and take me back home. I had considered jumping out of the moving cab and just walking home. I had considered being sick right there in the car. But before I could work up the nerve to do any of these things, even the last one, I felt the vehicle slow to a gradual halt as the driver pulled up in front of my destination.

The Potters’ house.

Slowly, as if in a trance, I turned my head to gaze out the window. There, at the end of a winding driveway, stood a very large, very beautiful, and very old-looking house. Later this house would seem warm and friendly and inviting, but as I stared out the window, it looked intimidating and scary. I worried it might swallow me up, like some kind of very odd monster.

The driver cleared his throat. “Oh, right…sorry,� I said, fishing out a fold of Muggle bills from my pocket. I handed it to him and he took it. He stared at me. I looked away, blushing, and slowly stepped out of the cab.

I stood there under the blazing sun and watched him drive away until the cab disappeared in a cloud of dust. Then, slowly, dreadfully, I turned and faced the house. My heart was thundering under my chest. My palms were sweaty. All I wanted was to turn around and go home, but some sort of magnetic force seemed to be drawing me towards the huge house. I walked slowly, dragging my feet as I tried to resist the strange force moving me forward, but to no avail. My attempts were futile. It was like walking towards the gallows, as if I had been sentenced to death. No, maybe death would be better than this.

I shook my head, angry with myself now. No. It wasn’t all that bad, it wasn’t that bad at all. There were much worse things in the world than this. At least a few, anyways. Come on, Evans, you just have to grit your teeth and do this. I set my determined face and scowled at the house. I can do this. I can.

I felt like the little engine that could as I forced myself down the long driveway to the front door, chanting it in my head: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. And before I knew it, I had reached the end of the driveway. I was up the steps. I was at the front door.

For a split second, I paused, my hand outstretched for the doorbell, trembling. And then I squeezed my eyes shut and rang the bell, flinching as I did so.

Mrs. Potter answered the door within seconds. “Lily, dear!� she squealed, a delighted smile appearing on her elderly but pretty face. I couldn’t help but note that she had James’ eyes.

“How nice to see you! Oh, come in, sweetheart, do come in – you must be terribly hot and thirsty and tired – let me get you a drink – “ She guided me into the house with her hand on my back, and then scuttled off into the kitchen, leaving me standing there and feeling rather awkward.

I glanced around the house with a bit of interest for a few moments, having never been in a house belonging to wizards before. There were several odd looking objects hanging on the walls, and in the doorway to the kitchen, I caught a glimpse of a pan scrubbing itself. I could distinctly hear a radio set to the Wizarding Wireless Network announcing a new song by “rising star, Celestina Warbeck.�

But these things couldn’t distract me from what was really on my mind – or rather, who.

I could see no sign of James anywhere. I took a few tentative steps towards the kitchen, and called, “Um…Mrs. Potter?�

She emerged from the kitchen immediately, holding a tall glass of water and beaming at me. “Yes, dear? Do you need anything?�

“No, no…it’s just, I was wondering – is James here?�

“Oh, of course, dear – he’s upstairs with Sirius and Remus and Peter. Shall I go fetch him?�

But there was no need. Just as she finished her offer, the sound of four pairs of footsteps thundering down the stairs reached our ears, and in another minute all four of them burst noisily into the room. “Morning, Mum,� James said cheerfully, beaming at his mother. “We just heard the doorbell ring, and –“

And then his eyes found me.

He gaped. I swallowed, blushing furiously, and then squeaked – “Er…hello?� It came out as a question when I hadn’t been meaning it to. Still, James said nothing, simply staring at me with his mouth wide open.

I wondered if I really looked that awful. In a moment of desperation during the cab ride, I had thrown caution to the wind and let my fiery hair fall all around my shoulders. I knew it had been a bad idea.

I wanted to speak, but couldn’t. My throat seemed to be stuck. We stared at each other, brown eyes boring into green. I registered that a small smirk had appeared on Sirius’ face. Remus elbowed him in the side, frowning. Peter, as usual, looked anxious. Mrs. Potter hovered beside the lot of us, looking worried and yet slightly hopeful.

I fixed my attention on James again, and cleared my throat. “James, I…I just...I’m really…well.� I blushed even harder. My attempt at speaking to him had failed miserably. Brilliant, Evans. And still James just stood there, looking confused.

I shook my head and took a deep breath. “James, I’m sorry – I’m really sorry.� And as I finally said the words my eyes filled with tears, and my voice broke. But I continued, completely forgetting the fact that there were four other people in the room watching us. “I shouldn’t have left you, especially for the reasons I did. I told you it wouldn’t work, it wasn’t meant to work, but I know now that I was wrong.� The words seemed to spring forth from me like a fountain, tumbling over one another in a rush to leave my mouth. “I lied to you, James, and I’m sorry, I really am. And it’s my fault. It’s my fault. And I know now that I do need you. I really do.�

But that was as far as I could go. The tears spilled forth and splashed down my front, and any attempt and wiping them away failed. The tremendous truth of what I had just said washed over me like an ocean. I needed James, needed him beside me as we started our lives, and I would need him beside me for the rest of my life.

It took several shuddering breaths until I could breath normally again, and the color flooded into my cheeks as I finally registered the presence of Sirius (who was smirking larger than ever), Remus (who was beaming), Peter (who looked rather awkward), and Mrs. Potter (who had tears in her eyes) again. I cringed, but had eyes only for James, who still hadn’t moved. But then, as I watched in disbelief, his old familiar grin crawled over his face.

“Evans, for someone as brilliant as you, it took you a while to figure that out.� And with that, he strutted forward, took my face in his hands, and kissed me.

Distantly I heard Sirius grumble something about “getting a room�, but very distantly. My heart was thundering as it had been earlier, but not because I was frightened – now I was simply dazed. I felt his arms around me and was glad, because I feared I might just pass out any minute now.

“I missed you,� James said quietly into my ear as he pulled back. I stared at him with wide eyes full of amazement, and could think of only one reply.

“I love you.�

James laughed as he turned around. “Hear that, Sirius? No one can resist James Potter.�

Sirius laughed, too. “Yeah, nice joke, James.�

“I told you she would come back,� Remus said smugly.

Mrs. Potter was too busy wiping her eyes with a handkerchief to make any comment. But as James slipped his arm around my shoulders and I looked up into his face, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for one thing: that I had found acceptance with James.