Summary: Sirius has decided it's time that someone sees Lily Evans as something other than perfect. But in his quest, he finds himself falling for Lily — the very last person he wants to fall for.
When James announces that he's through with Lily, Sirius finds it difficult to believe, but thinks that this might be the only opportunity he'll ever have to go after the girl he's in love with.
Categories: Other Pairing Characters: None
Warnings: Alternate Universe
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 4972
Read: 1642
Published: 01/10/09
Updated: 01/18/09
1. Imperfection by R_Ravenclaw
Imperfection by R_Ravenclaw
Author's Notes:
This was written for SPEW in the latest fic exchange (SSIV). The whole “imperfection” theme was inspired by Machi from the manga Fruits Basket. Oh, and thanks to Melissa for being a great beta!
The Gryffindor common room was bliss compared to the blizzard brewing outside. In the dark night, the wind was howling, and the icy snow hammered against the windows. But near the warm fire, it was pleasant enough. James had been conspicuously missing from the scene for quite some time â” enough time for me to have nothing better to do than finish my homework with Moony and Wormtail. Of course, after a while, even they flaked out and went to sleep, but I couldn't leave without finding out what happened to James.
Just when I had made up my mind to get the Invisibility Cloak â” since it was far past curfew â” and the Map to find him, the portrait hole opened to reveal a rather cold-looking James. He was shivering furiously, and his coat was covered in ice.
âProngs!â I exclaimed. âWhat the bloody hell are you doing, walking around outside in the blizzard?â
He practically fell to the ground in front of the fire, and pulled his coat off stiffly. âDamn it, it's cold out there.â
âThanks for clarifying,â I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes in the process, âbecause I really couldn't tell by the wind you can hear inside or by the snow so thick I can't see three feet out the window.â
âWell, I needed to clear my head,â he muttered, and I knew he really must be frozen if he wasn't going to comment further than that.
âI'm surprised your head didn't fall offâ”â
âSirius,â he interrupted, looking up at me crouched next to him. His face was completely red from the cold, but his eyes looked more serious than I had ever seen. âI'm giving up on Lily.â
He said it so simply that I half-expected him to start laughing and tell me that he was just joking â” he would never give up on her; after all, he had been in love with her practically since first year, and after six years, he wouldnât just stop trying. After all, my best friend was truly a die-hard optimist⌠sometimes to the extent of being the smallest bit pathetic.
Besides, I needed him to say that he was kidding, because we had such a perfect balance. As long as I knew that he was in love with Lily Evans, everything was right. I could avoid her, and pretend that I wasnât in love with her too. It was simple, when I knew James was trying to get her. After all, I was his best friend, and Lily Evans wasnât worth our friendship.
But if he said he didnât care, and he was lying about it, then everything would spiral out of control. It would force me to remember that I did love Lily, as much as I tried to hide it. But I shoved those thoughts out of my mind as I looked at James, who still looked dead serious.
âProngs, you shouldnât joke like that,â I said lightly, trying to laugh a little, but it sounded false to my ears. âI mean, you love Lily.â
He shrugged, and moved a little closer to the fire, still shivering. âMaybe I did, but I canât do this. If she doesnât want to be with me, then thereâs nothing I can do anymore. I donât want to be pining for her, Sirius. I just want to be normal. Maybe I was in love with her, but I canât handle this anymore. She obviously doesnât care about me, and maybe Iâll find someone who does.â
I tried to imagine this scenario any other way, and I knew that I wouldnât have been able to believe him if he didnât look like this. But seeing him sitting there, shuddering, staring into the fire, made me think that he was telling the truth.
I waited weeks for James to give me any sign that he was having second thoughts about giving up on Lily, but I didnât see even faintest hint. He stopped asking her out, and, though he didnât ask anyone else out either, he seemed happier.
I was sure he had been sincere, and as the weeks went on, I had the feeling that he really did mean it. And, even though it was hard to imagine, I couldnât help but think that maybe â” just maybe â” Prongs was better off this way. He was more carefree; he laughed more. He was more like who everyone thought James should be. When he looked at Lily, he didnât look the way he used to. The tension was gone, and he was just friendly to her, when he had once been so desperate.
As much as I enjoyed seeing my best friend back to the way he should have been all along, I didnât know what to do. James thought that Lily and I were friends, and he had always known that we were fairly close. But he didnât know that I had fallen in love with her.
I had been friends with Lily casually since third year, but she always seemed unapproachable. She was too nice, too sweet, too perfect â” she was everything â” too much of everything.
But I knew that she couldnât be perfect, so in my fifth year I set out to find Lily Evansâ flaws. And it was difficult, but I found them. I searched every day, and spoke to her about everything, just to see. And every time she showed me a little more of her true self, and her flaws.
She had a volatile temper that would go off at the slightest inducement. I could tell she tried hard to control it, but regardless, her face would turn red and her green eyes seemed to blaze. If it hadnât amused me so much, it might have terrified me.
She always acted so kind, but at times she spoke of people with a certain hatred in her voice. I knew that she tried to be nice to everyone, but internally that wasnât the case. It was especially her sister; she was bitter against the sister who hated her for merely being the person she was born to be.
The one flaw I could never be entirely sure of was whether or not she was arrogant. Sometimes I wondered if that was the reason she kept up the too-perfect facade, but for some reason I couldnât think that; there had to be another reason.
I didnât know why, but after finding out what was wrong with her, I had begun to fall for her. No one had ever interested me nearly as much, and I knew her so perfectly â” there was nothing about her that I hated.
But, of course, the problem was James, my best friend. He was in love with Lily, and for that reason I hadnât been able to do anything except talk to Lily and be friends with her. But a couple weeks after James announced he gave up on her, I talked to Lily againâŚ
âWhereâs James?â came a soft voice behind me. I didnât have to turn around to see that it was her.
I laughed. âHe fell asleep after he got back from Quidditch. Heâs going to get sick sometime soon for playing when itâs so cold⌠Though it isnât quite as cold todayâŚâ For what felt like the first time, I was the smallest bit nervous around her. Usually our relationship was perfectly comfortable, but something about knowing that James said he didnât want her anymore made me feel like anything could happen, when before I had been caged into the same old routine.
The two of us stared out the window, where there was a thick blanket of snow. It was dark out, but the sky was clear, and we could see the light of the stars even through the frosted glass. âDo you want to go on a walk with me?â Lily asked quietly, grinning a little. âI havenât been out in the snow yetâŚâ
âSure!â I said a little too enthusiastically, and Lily blushed a little. I smirked.
A few minutes later, we were bundled up and walking out onto the grounds. We were out after hours, but for once Lily apparently didnât care about breaking the rules.
âItâs beautiful out here!â she sighed, and before she said it, I had hardly noticed. But after her comment, I felt like I could see it through her eyes. I could see how the thick blanket of white snow glistening in the dim light could be beautiful, especially because it had hardly been walked on.
âItâs perfect,â I said.
Her face seemed to fall, and she looked back and forth. âIt is perfect,â she replied, but her voice was strange. She didnât seem as happy anymore. âLetâs walk through it,â she suggested, smiling up at me. I was so relieved to see her back to normal that I went along with her without thinking about what that might mean.
We walked for a few minutes; the only sound was the snow being crushed underneath our feet.
âSo why has Potter decided to stop asking me out?â she asked quietly.
I glanced down at her face, but she looked completely calm, as if this were just an ordinary conversation.
âHeâs given up on you,â I told her, knowing that James wouldnât mind if I told her. âHe doesnât think that youâll ever agree to go out with him, so heâs going to stop asking. I think heâs trying to make himself not be in love with you â” and so far heâs been doing surprisingly well.â He was getting over Lily â” slowly, but I knew that he really would be. I believed it completely.
That was when I realised what the difference was. I didnât feel guilty being with Lily, because I no longer felt like I was betraying him. It was an incredible feeling.
Lily didnât say anything, but was staring with an almost vacant look at the snow in front of her. It wasnât terribly cold outside â” just below freezing. It was completely manageable.
âLily, why didnât you ever like James?â I had been wondering forever.
âJames is too perfect for me,â she said after a pause. âHeâs kind and sweet and smart and funny. Heâs immature but serious about me. He would do anything for me, because that was how much he loved me.â
I stared at her, and I wished I could see her face, but her back was to me. âI fail to see whatâs wrong with that.â I walked up to her, and watched as she knelt down, and picked up some snow. She shaped it in her hands, and threw it a few feet away, where it landed in the fresh snow.
âCanât you guess?â she said with a half-smile, but her face held bitterness that I hadnât seen before.
She walked forward into the snow, around and around, as though she wanted to walk through the most she possibly could. It was annoying to not be able to figure out what was going on; I usually knew everything.
She continued walking, and I stared at the snow. Where it had once been a beautiful white covering, it was destroyed by her footprints.
âPerfection,â I said abruptly.
She turned, but her foot hit something in the process, and she fell into the soft snow. She brushed her fiery hair from her face, but didnât look like she was in any hurry to get up.
I walked over to her again and sunk to my knees in front of her. âItâs perfection you donât like, isnât it? Itâs why you walk through the snow, and why you canât love James, isnât it?â
She smiled. âI thought it would take you much longer to find that out, Sirius.â
âBut why?â I asked.
She shrugged, and said nothing.
âDo you know how to carry on a conversation, Evans?â I said, a bit too sharply.
But instead of looking angry with me, she just smiled. âI donât like perfection for the same reason you donât. You might not show it as much, but you agree with me.â
I tilted my head, tired of all the cryptic hints. As much as I loved her, this was getting to be a bit much. Apparently answering was far too difficult.
âWeâre both rebels, arenât we?â she said, smiling innocently, and the way her expression contradicted her words nearly made me burst out laughing. âYou think Iâm joking?â she asked.
âNo â” but I canât see you as a rebel.â
âWhat does a rebel do?â Lily asked me, her voice calm. She pulled her knees up under her chin, and stared seriously at me. I wondered if she were as cold as I was.
âA rebel,â I answered slowly, âgoes against what someone wants them to be. Someone wants them to fit a certain image, but they refuse.â
âExactly⌠And donât you and I do that? Youâre supposed to be the perfect, powerful pureblood, right? Youâre supposed to be all for pureblood supremacy, and hate people like me. But you arenât. You ran away from home, and you hate You-Know-Who.â
âIâm not denying Iâm a rebel, but what about you?â
âRight now youâre thinking Iâm utterly perfect, arenât you?â My guilty face was all the assent she needed. âBut Iâm not perfect. Being perfect is what Iâve always been expected to be, and itâs an image Iâve run away from. I rebel against it, every day. Every moment Iâm angry, bitter, petty, or stupid, Iâm rebelling, and I like that.â
Before this walk, I thought I had known Lily, but now I knew that it wasnât true. This was a part of Lily that I had just scratched the surface of before. Knowing her only made me care about her more. She had so much depth to never show anyone her true self.
âWhy do you act perfect?â I questioned.
She grinned in that strange way again. âCanât you figure it out?â
âBecause you enjoy suffering in silence?â I said, rolling my eyes.
She laughed a bit. âClose⌠Itâs because all my life, Iâve wanted someone to notice that I wasnât perfect. My sister almost found out, but not really. She just thought I my being a âfreakâ â” a witch â” added to my perfection. Thatâs why I canât stand my sister: she came so close to being the first one to figure it out, but then she failed me.
âThen I came here, and I kept acting perfect, because I didnât want to make it easy for anyone. I wanted them to figure it out without my help â” I wanted them to see behind my facade. But for years, no one ever did. All my friends have nearly worshipped me, and James loved me because I was perfect, and thatâs why I could never be in love with him. He doesnât know me, or understand me.
âBut then last year, I noticed that there was one person who saw my flaws. I know that you searched for them, and I tried to make it difficult for you. But you kept pushing me, and you found out everything about me. I could tell that you found out what no one else hadâ”â
âYour imperfections,â I finished for her. âSo⌠what does that mean? For us?â
She blushed softly. âWell, youâre who Iâve been looking for forever, arenât you?â
I leaned forward a little. âYou know, most girls would get angry and want other people to think theyâre perfect, not imperfect.â
âWell Iâm certainly not like other people, am I?â
I laughed. âNo, I guess not.â
She leaned forward a little too, and I leaned in more as well. Before I knew it, we were just inches away from each other. âIâm in love with you, Lily Evans,â I said softly, staring into her too-close green eyes.
âI think Iâm in love with you, too,â she whispered.
Finally the gap between us closed. For a moment I couldnât help but think of how ironic it was that my first kiss with Lily was outside in the freezing coldâ” and we were both even more cold and wet from sitting in the snow for so long.
But after a moment I stopped thinking about that, since I was finally kissing Lily. It seemed impossible that after being in love with her for so long, kissing her felt so natural. Her lips were soft against mine, and so much warmer than anything else around me. She was my light, my warmth. Everything else fell away.
But after a couple minutes, we pulled away from each other.
âIâm sorry if that was too perfect,â I said, hearing that old arrogance come back into my voice; it felt natural.
âMaybe itâs okay for some things to be perfect,â she laughed.
After that, we said nothing to each other for a few moments, but just sat there. I think I needed that time for it to sink in that it had really happened â” I had kissed Lily Evans. But what did that mean? What about James? Of course, he said he was over her, and most of the time I really believed him, but I didnât think that getting Lily was really something that I should flaunt.
Then I stared at her again, and remembered how long I had waited for this. I had wanted it for as long as I truly knew her, but was I willing to pay the price for her? Was there really a price, if James didnât want her?
She smiled as I gazed steadily at her. âWhat are you thinking about?â she asked quietly.
âArenât you cold?â I asked, avoiding her questions without the least bit of tact.
She shrugged. âIt doesnât bother me.â
Of course it didnât. I supposed that not being cold and wet would be perfect, right? This new revelation about Lily was vastly amusing.
âDo you want to go inside?â
âDo you?â she challenged.
âSomeone might notice weâre gone.â
âSomeone⌠meaning James, right?â
I avoided her question and just shrugged. At that moment more than anything I wished that James hadnât loved Lily, or that I had never either.
âAre you going to feel guilty about this, Sirius?â she asked thoughtfully, staring at me in that too-kind way.
âNo,â I answered, taking her hand and standing up, helping her to her feet right as well. âAfter all, heâs given up on you, right? Besides, itâs worth it.â
She smiled, and swiftly leaned forward and kissed my cheek: I was stunned. She giggled a little at my frozen facial expression and pulled me forward with our intertwined hands. âDidnât you want to go inside?â
I smiled too. Yes, Lily Evans was worth anything.
Weeks passed, and oftentimes I was uncharacteristically nervous. I wanted to tell James. It was the first time I had ever held anything back from him, but at the same time I continued to wait, because I didnât want to have to choose between Lily and James.
Lily didnât seem to mind keeping our relationship hidden. After all, we could still talk like we always had without it being suspicious, but I didnât like that we couldnât truly act like a couple.
One day after those weeks passed, we were wandering around Hogwarts. Lily smiled up at me and took my hand casually. I stiffened instantly as she did so; the first thought that came to my mind was what would happen if James were to see us. But that emotion fell away as Lily cringed at my reaction.
âWhy donât you just tell him?â she asked. âOr Iâll tell him â” I donât mind.â I said nothing, so she continued, âItâs just going to get worse if you donât tell him. And once he doesnât mind, youâll be happier. I know you will.â
âI just⌠Iâm just not sure what will happen,â I said slowly. âI donât want anyone to make me choose between the two of you. I love you, but James is my best friend.â
âYou wonât have to choose,â she answered, wrapping her arms around one of mine, stopping me. I looked down at her, and her face was positive. âBesides, this is my choice too, right? And Iâll choose you over him, every time. I love you, Sirius. I want you to be happy.â
I pulled her against my chest, hugging her protectively. âIâm not going to let you go,â I promised.
âI hope you donât mean that literally.â She smiled, reaching up to kiss me on the cheek again; that seemed to be a very endearing habit of hers.
It was late at night, and the we had snuck out to go talking and for a walk. Everyone was asleep when we left, so the two of us stumbled back into the common room an hour after we left. We didnât even look into the room as we stepped through, but merely tried to make it without breaking our kiss. When we finally broke apart we had fallen to the ground, and we both burst out laughing.
âApparently going through the portrait hole and snogging are not activities that should be done simultaneously,â I said dryly.
âYou canât say you didnât enjoy it,â she giggled.
âFar from it,â I answered, and leaned toward her again for another kiss, but she pulled away from me abruptly, staring at something behind me. I turned to face the common room, and there was James, standing by the stairway to our dorm, frozen in shock.
âDamn,â I said under my breath, everything in my mind going blank. I stood up slowly, trying to figure out what to say, but I had no idea. There was nothing to explain what had just happened. I had betrayed him by going out with the girl he had been in love with for so long, even if he did say he was over her. I was a terrible friend.
âYou should probably go to your dorm, Lily,â I whispered. âI need to talk to him.â
âI know,â she said, and stood on her toes to kiss me on the cheek. I cringed, wishing that she hadnât done that in front of James. She seemed to realise her mistake at the same time. âSorry,â she hissed, and then ran lightly up the stairs.
âJamesâ”â I started, but broke off abruptly. He was still just standing there, gazing at me, except he really didnât seem to be looking at me. I decided not to wait for him to speak, but just began rambling, âIt was terrible for you to find out like that, but I want you to know that I was going to tell you â” and soon. Yeah, Iâm dating her, James, but I swear I didnât start until weeks after you told me you were over her⌠But looking at you now I think that you mightâve been lying, and you still have a thing for her. But, God, James, you know I would do anything for you, but I donât think I could give Lily up⌠You donât hate me, do you, Prongs?â
His eyes seemed to finally focus on my face, and he walked over to me. I could barely breathe: this was it.
âItâs fine,â he said simply, but for some reason I couldnât just accept that: I needed more.
âAre you over her?â After all, maybe it wasnât just a matter of saying he wasnât in love with her, and being done with it. Maybe there was more to it than that. It probably took time; more than just a month. Maybe I had been wrong to get Lily for myself so quickly. But I was so excited, and I thought that it was my only chance; I thought that if I waited, maybe James would change his mind, and I wouldnât have been able to handle that. I knew that was my one opportunity, and I had to take it, no matter the price. I didnât regret it, either. I couldnât, because I had gained so much.
âIâm trying,â he said solemnly. It felt strange to have such a serious conversation with James â” one devoid of banter, laughing, or inside jokes. âAnyway, she made her choice, right? She wants to be with you, not me.â There was bitterness in his voice.
âBut wonât this make you hate me?â
He laughed dryly. âOf course not⌠Listen, Sirius, I wasnât totally lying when I said I was over her. What I meant was that I was trying to get over her â” and trying my damnedest. And now that the two of you are together, itâll be easier for me⌠Youâve apparently given up a hell of a lot for me over the years â” even though I never really knew about it â” and now itâs my turn. Donât feel guilty about it, okay?â
âThanks,â was all I could think to say.
Then he began to walk up to the dormitory, and I followed him. âOh,â he said, without breaking stride, âand make sure you treat her right, or Iâll be on your case.â
âSo youâll be her protector, Prongs?â
âWell, someone has to be, since youâre such a womaniser.â
âNo Iâm not!â I protested.
âAnd why exactly did you keep her out so late tonight?â he said in a mock-serious tone.
I laughed. I guess everything would be back to normal someday.
âSirius!â Lily called, opening the curtains of my bed abruptly. âAre you really not awake yet â” Oh!â
I laughed.
âYou jerk â” tricking me and making me think you were still asleep.â
I was sitting up, fully dressed and awake. I knew sheâd come barging in if I waited long enough. The fact that I liked to sleep in when we didnât have school seemed to annoy her to no end. I often teased her that it took away from my perfection, and she would say that I was arrogant, but would smile all the same.
I grabbed her hand and pulled her down beside me; she shrieked a little as she fell. âYou think I wouldnât catch you?â I said trying to sound offended.
âWell, if you didnât knock me over, you wouldnât have to catch me.â
âItâs one of my charms,â I answered, grinning.
She settled down next to me, her legs draped over mine. âOne more day,â she said. Her head fell against my shoulder.
We were in our seventh year, and we were leaving Hogwarts tomorrow. Along with James, we were joining the Order of the Phoenix. I had inherited more than enough money to live the rest of my life with ease, and catching Death Eaters sounded ideal.
âYou sure you want to do this?â I asked her. âIt seems like you might want a normal job instead.â
âNo,â she answered firmly. âYou know I want this.â
âYeah, I suppose.â I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her next to me. I never would have admitted it, but sometimes I wished that she would get a normal job, because then I wouldnât have to worry about her so much.
In the year and a half weâd been dating, there was one thing I was sure of. I was in love with Lily Evans, and always would be. No matter how old we were, no matter where we were, no matter what we were doing, I would love her â” no matter how sappy that sounded.
âThere are going to be a lot of things that happen over the next few years. Nothing will really be certain. Weâll go strange places and risk our lives and sometimes we might not see each other for days at a time. I hate to admit it, but thereâll be times when weâll be scared or when we think we might die. Hell, we might actually die.â
âI know,â she said simply, staring at me intently, probably wondering where this was going.
âThe point is,â I continued, âI want to be with you. Right now, in a few years, and for the rest of my life. This isnât going to change, Lily Evans.â
She smiled. âSame for me.â Her face turned a little red, and I couldnât help but smile. She kissed me on the cheek quickly, blushing even deeper. Even after a year and a half, her little habits were still endearing.
âI guess you shouldnât be too surprised to hear this, but, Lily, will you marry me?â
She grinned widely when I asked, while her eyes brightened. âOf course,â she answered.
As I kissed her, I finally felt right. Lily would be my wife, James was still my best friend, and no matter what happened over the next few years, I would be happy.
It was strange to think of the perfection that had come from the imperfection.
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