January 16: I couldn’t believe it at first, but I just got the results of my job interview back, and I got the job—I’m now part of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement! I know this is going to be an excellent job. I mean, finally I hold a position of respect in this cruel world! No more, “Ogden’s too fat, let’s laugh at him!� I mean, who cares if I have a little belly, what’s THAT got to do with anything? Well, anyways, now I’m an authority figure. Ha! In your face! (Oops, sorry, forgot you don’t have one, journal.)

January 20: Today was my first day on the job. I met all the members of my department, including the Head of the department himself, Marcus Jugdy. And then there’s Icklebob Flortescue, who’s going to be showing me the ropes. Today we had to arrest some man who was selling Cleansweep 2s to unsuspecting Muggles who thought they could use them to actually sweep (well, the broom’s name is rather confusing; I always thought Cleansweeps needed to be titled better—who wants to ride a broom that sounds like a cleaning product? Now, Swifter would be a much more appropriate name). ANYWAY, after this bloke was done attempting to hit me on the head with one of the brooms, it was smooth sailing. I love this job!

January 30: Well, a fair amount has been going on lately. I’ve made three arrests so far: besides the broom thing, there was this man in the Hog’s Head caught selling firewhiskey to minors (he probably wouldn’t have gotten caught if the kids he was selling them to weren’t eleven years old. It was that Aberforth Dumbledore kid, too—I knew he was trouble), and some witch who thought she could get away with using Felix Felicis, a luck potion, for a Quidditch match. And guess who this witch was: The one and only Janis Kilona—that’s right! You heard me! (Um, actually you didn’t because I didn’t say it out loud since I’m writing this. But ANYWAY....) So, yeah. Janis Kilona of the Holyhead Harpies! She is, like, REALLY FAMOUS! And I got to MEET her! I am SO cool...well, I was, until she shouted at me that if I were a real Quidditch fan I wouldn’t have arrested her. But what was I supposed to do? It’s against the law to use Felix Felicis in an organized competition! Oh, well. She screamed it in front of thousands of Harpies fans who now think I’m the meanest wizard around, but at least I got her autograph (even if it is only a copy of her court statement). Oh, well....

February 5: I’ve been so tired lately. This job is harder than I thought it was going to be. Yesterday I had to drag this insane wizard off to St. Mungo’s because he sits in his house and screams to random people (and sometimes squirrels) that he knows magic and he ain’t afraid to use it. He hasn’t actually done anything, but everyone’s getting sick of him and we’re afraid Muggles are going to overhear. Plus, we fear for the safety of those cute little rodents. So we took him to St. Mungo’s to be examined for signs of insanity. The whole way there he screamed at me and threatened to hit me with a squirrel. I told him that there was no need for that, but he kept going on and on and on. I gotta tell you, I was afraid for my health—squirrels carry rabies, you know. Luckily, I was okay.... You know, maybe that’s what this guy’s problem is: Rabies. I’m going to go take another shower.

February 23: Well, I haven’t written in awhile because things have been slow. There hasn’t been much going on lately besides a few minor things concerning some enchanted rocks that are attempting to eat Muggles. But aside from the time that one of these almost bit my toe off, I haven’t had much excitement (if you can call having your toe nibbled by stones exciting). All in all, though, I’ve been pretty bored. I can’t wait for things to start happening again; I don’t have anything better to write in this journal. (Hmm...maybe I should try to improve my social life—or lack thereof.)

February 29: Something’s happened all right. Icklebob Flortescue’s son, Florean, was arrested for stealing milk from a Muggle grocery store. He was accio-ing jugs of milk into their house, apparently for an experiment that he needs dairy products for. Well, poor Icklebob has had to leave his job. I felt bad, especially since I was the one doing the arresting. I really don’t think young Florean meant it, though; he’s only eighteen, and I don’t think he even knew where the milk was coming from. They told me that the most time he would spend in Azkaban would be a year or two, though. So that was a comfort for old Icklebob.

March 8: Today was not very fun. This man by the name of Abraxas Malfoy—rather well known for his, uh, interesting inventions—had to be arrested this afternoon for selling shrinking cauldrons. It may not sound very threatening, but when someone puts one on your head and it starts getting smaller you’ll think otherwise. Trust me, I know this—I only just got back from St. Mungo’s and my head is still throbbing. I’m beginning to think that this isn’t the best job after all—but maybe it’s just the headache talking (er, writing). Well, we’ll see what tomorrow brings....

March 9: And today brought more pain. A Muggle who was being terrorized by this wizard started beating me with her purse (which was heavier than you might think) because she saw me Apparate. I mean, I know she was afraid because I just appeared out of thin air, but I was coming to SAVE her. If I hadn’t Apparated there, she’d of had more fungus growing from her nose than she already did! And trust me, she didn’t need that. She wasn’t very attractive without the fungus, let alone with hoards of it coming out of her nose.... Blech.

March 13: Today just happens to be Friday the thirteenth—and what an eventful Friday the thirteenth it was. We had a little incident today concerning underage magic (it’s the Easter holidays so the students are home). Normally, the kid just gets a letter and bing! bang! boom! it’s done, but this was a more serious violation. Some kid—in a family argument, apparently—blew up his uncle (who was huge as a balloon, you should’ve seen it!), then hijacked a car, which he magicked to fly, and left the area. Some of our squad went to sort out his uncle, but I was on the team that went to hunt down the kid. We managed to find him at a friend’s house, attempting to smuggle the car into a bush so we wouldn’t be able to track him down. But he wasn’t fast enough and we caught him. I felt bad for him, though, because he didn’t mean to blow up his uncle (one of those cases of uncontrolled magic, you know) and plus he had a huge scar in the shape of a rain cloud on his forehead. Ew. But lucky for him he hasn’t been expelled from Hogwarts, though he will have to serve a few nasty detentions when he gets back to school. Ah, well. I wouldn’t want to be him.

March 18: I must’ve been crazy to take this job. Who knew being a law enforcer would be so stressful? I was sent down to this little town today to deal with some man named Luke who decided that he needed to conjure up a magical, self-swinging sword to ward off Muggles. When I arrived, he had his sword in hand, ready to fight. So, naturally, I conjured up one of my own and we began dueling, almost like we were warriors of some sort, fighting in a battle that could only end in death for one of us—okay, maybe I’m exaggerating. What actually happened is I tried to accio the sword out of his hand and he shot a stinging curse in my eye. Then the sword started to swing itself, chasing me down the road, which I could barely see due to the fact that my eyes were stinging so bad it was blinding me. Fortunately, a witch who lived on the street saw me and hexed the sword so that it stopped and clattered to the ground. I thanked her (I wish I could’ve seen what she looked like—curse you stinging hex!) and picked up the sword and left. I was sent to St. Mungo’s (once again) and somebody else from my department was sent to deal with Luke. The hospital couldn’t cure my eyes perfectly, though (the stinging spell did more damage than I thought), so now I’m forced to wear these hideously thick, ugly glasses. My appearance now repulses people even more. I guess I’ll never have a good social life now.

March 26: Well I have some good news, for once. I’ve been promoted to Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement! I guess everyone’s impressed at what a good job I’ve been doing kicking magical law-breaking butt! Either that or they feel sorry for me because of my many injuries and figure that since Jugdy just quit they need somebody to do it (apparently the Ministry’s been running through Law Enforcement Heads like water). Well, either way, now I’m the one that deals with the most dangerous law-breakers...aw, crackers.

April 3: I’ve been busy lately (no, nothing outside of work, though I’m hoping that once people know that I was good enough to become Head of the department that might change). Who knew that there were so many magical criminals to be dealt with? I’ve had so many run-ins with dark wizards and witches that I’ve lost count. This whole week has been a blur but I do seem to remember evil toads being sold as Muggles pets, a quill that turns all your writing into run-on sentences, and candy that makes you puke for hours and I feel really overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do, this job is killing me couldn’t they have found someone else to run this department what am I supposed to do? Aw, tiddlywinks. I was using the run-on quill again. Curse you dark wizard who created thee!

April 5: Today I had to go up to a house near Little Hangleton. There was this family, the Gaunts, whose son Morfin had been terrorizing some Muggle, not to mention using magic in front of the Muggle to do it. So I went up there and had to talk to this scary man, Morfin’s father. And they were speaking to each other in this weird language—Parseltongue, I believe. Morfin hit me in the nose with a spell that caused some yellow goo to come out of it. Ew! And if you think that was gross, you should’ve seen these people: they were dirty and disgusting and treated Morfin’s sister horribly. So I tell Mr. Gaunt that his son has been summoned to the Ministry of Magic for a hearing and he goes all crazy on me about some stupid ring. We argued for a bit and then they started speaking snake again. Next thing I know, Mr. Gaunt has his hand around his daughter’s throat. So I try to stop him with a well-placed relashio spell and he gets all mad and starts chasing me with a knife and his wand (luckily his spells were badly aimed). What else was I supposed to do but run? I ran and ran down the road, hit the back of a horse, fell, and then got up and kept running. I heard some Muggles laughing at me (I hope it wasn’t because they noticed that my pants were wet). When I was far enough, I Apparated back to the Ministry and sent people to go to the Gaunts’. Mr. Gaunt and Morfin are being put in Azakaban, though I’m not sure what happened to the girl. Phew. What a long day. I can’t take much more of this; I’m resigning tomorrow. Guess they’ll have to find some other sucker to head the department now, one who’s stocked up with lots of clean undergarments.