Truly, I was an idiot.

Hadn’t I wanted stability? To have some truth by behind the fakest of my smiles? I was gambling with the little control I had over my mangled heart by doing this. It was crazy – instead of simply putting a toe over the edge, I was diving full force over it! He had once claimed he was a masochistic. By doing this, I proved that I was the one who really liked to torture herself.

I knew it was wrong, and it probably would plunge me back into the zombie-like state I was in before Jacob. I knew it would make any pain I’d felt since that first night alone seem like a very good dream. This pain would put all the rest to shame.

I had considered this for such a long time. I needed to remember, needed to see his perfect face in the weak recall of my memory, needed to hear the faint whisper of his voice in my human ears. If I didn’t – surely I would forget. And that was unbearable.

I had thought it through, completely and thoroughly, and planned for this date. I had to get a little pleasure in remembering. Nothing that could even compare to the reciprocal pain, of course, but maybe a tiny amount of happiness. At the very least, I deserved that much.

I chose a day in which I would already be in bad condition, already be worse than usual. At least I could concentrate this level of hurt to one day. There was no need to drag that degree of suffering out.

One year ago, today, I had gone with him to the meadow for the first time. I breathed in, inhaling, and as I exhaled I made myself think his name. Edward. Flames licked the surface of my heart. I gasped at the pain just thinking his name could bring.

What was I thinking? How would I ever survive this? Edward – I flinched – was gone. He was never coming back. Without him, I had no reason to be breathing. I served no purpose. I was a waste of space, of air, of life. I would be so much happier dead.

An ache – unfamiliar because it had little to do with the love of my life – surfaced in my bones. It was pain for my family, for the people I would hurt if I gave in and did the selfish thing. Charlie and Renee were my parents and I knew if the situation were reversed I would be absolutely and completely devastated. More so than I was now.

And Jacob. How could I do that to Jake – my best friend who had put up with so much for me. Though it probably wasn’t in his best interests to care about me, he did. I felt a sour pang in my heart for his pain, whether it existed yet or not.

So regardless of how much I wanted not to, I would live through the pain this inflicted. If it made the hole in my chest bigger and deeper, who cared? I was already wounded and I knew I was never to recover. What was a few days of more hurt in conjunction to the few minutes of pure happiness I so wanted to receive? Really, what was the harm, when I was already aching...

And so, with my bedroom door tightly shut and window locked, I closed my eyes and let myself remember.