“Lily and James, Sirius. How could you?�**

***

September 1st 1971

“Sweetie,� coos my mum as she pulls out a white handkerchief from her pocket. “There’s a smudge on your nose. Come here.� She spits on the handkerchief and tries to rub at the offending dirt. I squirm away from her as I notice some older boys looking across, laughing at her ministrations.

“Get off, Mum,� I complain. “I’ll do it.� I bring out my own rather grimy tissue and rub at the dirt. Mum smiles down at me indulgently. She’s proud, I know, that I’m off to Hogwarts but also a little sad. She’ll be lonely now. I give her a hug, ignoring the smirks of those older boys. For years it’s just been the two of us and, however excited I am to be going away to school, I will miss her. She hugs me back tightly and then releases me to turn her attention to my trunk.

“Come on,� she whispers, “let’s get you loaded up.� She picks up one side of the trunk and I pick up the other. I notice that no other parents are boarding the train and try to point this out to her, but Mum fixes a determined smile on her face and leads the way. We pass several carriages. I look through the window of one and catch the eye of a sad-looking girl with red hair. I smile at her; she nearly smiles back. This is the carriage I’d like to join, but before I can open the door, a skinny, black-haired boy pushes me away and enters the carriage. He sits opposite her and begins to talk to her. She responds, so they are obviously friends. The other occupants of the carriage look fun, but Mum pulls me away. “Let’s find you somewhere quieter, sweetheart.�

Finally, at the far end of the train, Mum stops and pulls open the door. There’s only one occupant in here, and I know why. This carriage is directly opposite the prefects’ carriage and even I know that’s the worst carriage to be in. The boy sitting in the far corner looks up at me. He’s quite pale and looks tired but he looks friendly.

“How do you do?� he says politely to Mum. “I’m Remus Lupin.�

Mum is pleased with his obvious good manners and pushes me forward. I hold out my hand. “I’m Petey... err, Peter,� I reply. Remus holds out his hand, and I notice a scar across the back of his hand that appears to run up his arm. He sees me looking and hurriedly pulls his cloak sleeve down.

“Do you like cake?� I ask him as I sit down. Remus seems bemused at the question but nods all the same. “That’s good, because my mum bakes the best cakes in the world.� She beams at me. “And I need someone to share this with.�

***

I sever my finger.

***

September 1st 1972

“PETER!� yells James from across the platform. “How was your holiday?�

I look at James and see that irrepressible smile across his face. He bounds over dragging his mum by her hand. “Mum, this is Peter.�

“It’s nice to meet you at last, Peter,� she says. “I was sorry you couldn’t come and stay when the others did. Perhaps next year, yes?�

I shuffle my feet slightly. The reason I hadn’t gone to James’ for a week with the others was because I didn’t want to leave Mum. She’d been so pleased to see me, and I hadn’t had the heart to disrupt her plans for the holiday. So, instead, I’d gone to Auntie Maud’s for two weeks and listened to my stupid Squib cousin, David, talking about Muggle things and how great they were. He’d also taken advantage of the fact that he was much bigger than me, and that I couldn’t perform magic out of school, to pummel me into the ground on several occasions.

“Where’s Sirius?� I say in an attempt to change the subject.

James looks around the crowded platform, his eyes squinting through his glasses which seem to be broken again. “There,� he says finally. “OY! Sirius, get over here!�

I look up to see Sirius Black grinning at us. He’s about to join us when his mum pulls at his arm. I can see him wince as if in pain, and he gives us a rueful smile. There’s a boy next to him with the same black hair and similar features, although Sirius seems more... I don’t know... more alive than this shadow beside him.

“That must be Regulus,� James mutters. “I wonder if he’ll be in Gryffindor.�

“Where’s Remus?� I say, suddenly remembering the fourth boy in our gang.

“Dunno,� replied James. “Probably reading his text books.�

We laugh and begin to load our trunks. Mum tries to help, but this year I tell her I’ll be okay. She hands me a tin before I get on the train.

“Cake, Petey,� she says. “I thought you could share it with your friends.� She gives me a last kiss goodbye, and I can see she’s trying not to cry.

“Aww, thanks, Mrs Pettigrew,� says James. He gives his mum a quick hug and tries to avoid the kiss she wants to place on his cheek. Mrs Potter is made of sterner stuff, though. She kisses him, ruffles his hair, and orders him to be good. Then she sighs. “Don’t use the Cloak too much, James, and please stay out of the Forbidden Forest. There’s a reason it’s forbidden.�

“Yeah, sure, Mum,� replies James, but there’s a cheeky look in his eye. Mrs Potter isn’t in the least bit fooled, but she laughs indulgently and stays to wave us off.

The train begins to move, and we still haven’t found Remus, although Sirius has joined us along with his brother who looks quite solemn. Sirius and James are fooling around in the corridors. We all make faces at two of the Gryffindor girls from our year. Mary is giggling, but Lily scowls at us. I remember her nearly smiling at me last year, but it’s obvious from her frown that she doesn’t remember me.

“Where is Remus?� demands Sirius. “You’ll love him, Reg.�

“Carriage at the end,� I say suddenly. “That’s where he was last year. I bet he’s there again.�

“Merlin! Will that boy never learn? Remus is a bit of a girl when it comes to this stuff,� James explains to Regulus. “We can’t exactly have fun if we’re stuck right next to the prefects.�

Regulus nods, unsmiling.

Remus is in that far carriage again, but he’s not reading; he’s asleep. We creep in, and then Sirius jumps on him. Remus wakes with a terrified look on his face; he calms down quickly when he sees it’s us and takes the jokes we make at his expense.

“My dad put me in here,� he protests. “I was tired so I thought I’d sleep for a bit before getting to school.� Remus stops and suddenly notices that it’s not only us there. “Hello, you must be Sirius’ brother... Regulus, is it?�

Regulus doesn’t speak. I can see him taking in Remus’ appearance. I suppose we’re used to it. Remus is a bit vague about the cuts he has on his arms and things. He has to go home a lot because he says his mum’s ill. He returns covered in cuts and says he’s been clumsy, but we don’t really believe him. I suppose we’ve gone along with it because we like him, but sometimes I wonder whether Mr Lupin hits him.

We all move out of the carriage and find a new empty one far away from the prefects. “Bunch of goody-goodies,� says James scornfully, and we all agree except for Regulus who doesn’t seem to be listening.

“If I ever look like I’m going to do something remotely responsible,� Sirius says, as he sprawls across several seats, “then you all have permission to hex me until I’m bald.�

“Are you going to be a Gryffindor like your brother?� Remus asks Regulus when we’re all sat down.

Regulus has been sitting apart from us, looking at his wand. He begins to pick at the seat covering and then slowly lifts his head up. He stares at us all. “I don’t know what House I’ll be in, but Sirius is the only Gryffindor, the rest of us Blacks have been Slytherins – it’s a tradition.�

“And that’s important?� Remus continues earnestly.

“Yes,� replies Regulus in surprise. “Isn’t it important to you?�

Remus and I shrug; Sirius glowers at his brother, but James starts to speak.

“My Dad was a Gryffindor,� he began, “and that’s very important to me too, but Slytherin... It’s where the Dark wizards go. �

Regulus looks at James coldly, and suddenly I see that he’s not like Sirius at all. “That’s nonsense,� he replies in a small voice. “It’s just that Slytherins uphold traditional values and think purity of blood is important.�

The grown-up words sound odd coming from an eleven-year-old’s lips. Sirius looks angry and embarrassed. “‘Purity of blood’!� he interjects. “Merlin, Regulus! Mum’s really got to you hasn’t she.� Sirius looks away from his brother and turns to the rest of us. “My mother is terrified that Regulus will shame the family and become a Gryffindor, so she’s been teaching him the correct things to say and instilling proper Black values.

“You don’t have to obey her, Reg, she can’t do anything – well, not really. You can make your own mind up. You could have some great friends in Gryffindor, just like me.�

Regulus looks at his brother. Sirius is gesturing to me, Remus and James. “Only one pure-blood amongst them, and he’s a git!� he continues, laughing as he avoids James’ fist.

“You’re right,� replies Regulus. His voice is slightly shaky and I think he’s about to smile, but instead he stands up. “I can make my own mind up, can’t I? I don’t need you teaching me, either.�

And then he walks out of the carriage. I watch Sirius, who is on the floor after James pulled him off the seat, and his face is white. I see him start, as if he’s about to follow his brother, but then he thinks better of it. “Ahhh, I didn’t want the annoying git in our House anyway,� he says at last, but I don’t think any of us are fooled.

***

I raise my wand behind my back.

***

September 1st 1975

“Go away!� moans Remus. “I’ve got to patrol these corridors and I don’t want to have to put you in detention.�

We laugh at Remus the Prefect. Detention – as if he’d dare!

“Problems already, Remus,� says a voice from behind us. Sirius smirks and James rolls his eyes.

“We’re not causing any trouble, Evans. Prefect Lupin won’t let us,� he says mockingly, and then he turns to face her.

Lily purses her lips. “Watch it, Potter. Other prefects may have gone easy on you and your little gang, but that doesn’t mean I will.�

I look at James expecting a retort but for some reason he’s silent. Lily walks off to investigate a noise in the next carriage, and we resume our barracking of Prefect Lupin... except James doesn’t.

“What’s up?� Sirius says.

“Merlin, did you see Evans?� exclaims James.

“Uh, yeah, she was right in front of us a minute ago. We couldn’t miss her,� I reply.

“She looked,� James searches for the word, “different, somehow.�

“What are you on about?� Sirius says. “It was the same Lily Evans. Red hair, green eyes, and a frown on her face.�

James is still gazing at the space recently vacated by Lily.

“You fancy her!� cries Sirius and bursts into laughter. “James Potter fancies Lily Evans. Ha ha! You haven’t got a Squib’s chance in Hogwarts of getting off with her.�

“Why not?� asks James, and I notice he’s not denying Sirius’ accusation. Sirius looks at me and Remus. We all start laughing.

“Why not?� repeats James, starting to sound angry now.

“Because she thinks you’re a prat,� supplies Sirius when we’ve stopped laughing.

“An arrogant prat,� chips in Remus.

“An arrogant prat with a big-head,� I add.

“Well,� says James huffily, “I’ll just have to prove you wrong. I bet you three – no five – Galleons that I’ll be spending the next Hogsmeade weekend with Evans.�

“It’s like having my own Niffler,� mutters Sirius. He shakes on the bet, and we return to our carriage. Remus resumes his prefect duties whilst we continue to tease James about his new-found crush on Lily.

When Remus comes back, James has just about had enough. He’s got his fingers in his ears and is singing a Stubby Boardman hit at the top of his voice. Every time he pauses for breath, Sirius or I shout Lily’s name, causing James to sing even louder.

“I can hear you from the end of the corridor,� says Remus sternly. We look at him in horror – Merlin, is he turning into a real prefect? And then Remus walks over to James, pulls his hands away from his ears and shouts ‘LILY!’ We all laugh – even James.

“Godric! I’m tired,� says Remus as he settles into one of the corner seats. I’m surprised he’s here, actually, as it was a full moon last night and I thought he’d arrive tomorrow.

“Rough night, yeah?� asks James.

“Yeah,� Remus replies, and he stretches himself out on four seats.

“Won’t be long now,� says Sirius confidently.

“Hope not,� yawns Remus.

***

January 1976
We walk into the Forest together. James is at the front, followed by Remus. I lag behind with Sirius who’s giving me last minute instructions.

“Concentration, Peter, that’s the key,� he whispers.

I nod. Sirius and James became Animagi nearly a month ago, but I still can’t transform. They are Padfoot and Prongs, comrades-in-arms to Moony, but I’m still Peter Pettigrew.

“Tell me again about the moment just before you transformed for the first time,� I ask him. “You said something about a vision.�

“Err... well,� he begins, “it was odd really. I stopped thinking about the animal I wanted to become, and focused on myself, on my thoughts, I suppose. And that’s when I changed.�

“What were your thoughts?� I ask him after a while. James and Remus have stopped in our clearing. Remus is looking up at the sky nervously. Although he knows he will only become a werewolf when it’s full, he still checks the waxing moon, terrified, I think, that his eyes are playing tricks.

Sirius slows to a halt and if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s Sirius Black I’m looking at, I would swear he’s blushing. “Err, I was thinking about you three,� he mutters, “and how close we are – like a pack I suppose. Then, for some reason I saw myself as a small boy, locked in my bedroom, feeling thoroughly miserable.� He pauses. “Why that led me to becoming a black dog, I don’t know. I’ve always thought of myself as a lion or a tiger.�

“A tiger,� I say excitedly. “That would be cool.�

Sirius smiles down at me. “Don’t think about the animal you want to become, Peter, concentrate only on yourself, yeah.�

“What animal do you think James wanted to become?� I ask as we start walking again.

“A hawk, I should think.� Sirius snorts. “Something with good eyesight so he can get rid of those ridiculous glasses.�

I laugh. “Or a cheetah.� Sirius looks puzzled so I explain, “he could finally catch up with Lily, then.�

Sirius chuckles and I notice that his laugh is becoming more like a bark.

Sirius and James can do this easily now. They don’t need wands, they can transform at will. I stand with them as Moony sits on the tree stump. I desperately don’t want to let him down. Why can’t I do this? I think helplessly. Why, just this once, can’t I be as good as them?

“Ready, Peter,� says James, kindly. “Don’t worry about it. Relax, mate. It will happen.�

“Probably not a tiger, Peter,� interjects Sirius. “It would only kill Prongs over there.� He laughs and I join in. James looks at us, bemused, but is obviously relieved that I’m now relaxing.

“Actually,� muses Remus from his perch, “it would be useful if you could be something small.�

“Why?� asks James.

“Well,� Remus replies, “I can’t see Prongs and Padfoot being able to get near the Whomping Willow, can you?�

We hadn’t thought of that.

“It’s not that easy, Moony,� says Sirius at last. “I didn’t exactly choose to become a dog. It just happened.�

“Okay, it was just a thought,� says Remus, flushing slightly. “I hadn’t realised.�

He turns his head away from Sirius, checks the moon again and then looks at me. “Good luck,� he says warmly.

I feel a rush of gratitude towards him. I so want to be able to do this. Sirius’ words come back to me, and I start thinking about myself and not the animal I want to be.

I’m twelve years old, and David is punching me. I want to be with my friends, but instead I’m with my Squib cousin. He makes me feel as if I’m worthless, as if my magic makes me the weird one.

I glance up and see James’ face. He’s staring at me, and I remember the day he stood up for me when a Slytherin laughed at my mum.

“We stick together,� James had said when I thanked him.

Something small, I think. I need to be able to get to the tree. Suddenly, I can feel my body compressing. There’s a whoop from Sirius, but he’s quickly hushed by Remus who is standing on the stump now.

“He’s a rat!� exclaims James. “Fantastic!�

I can hear them all laughing as I’m on the damp grass. They seem incredibly big. I’m used to them being taller than me, but now, as a rat, they are immense. Sirius and James quickly become Padfoot and Prongs, and they start to chase each other around the clearing. Remus laughs uproariously and then walks over to sit on the grass with me.

“I knew you could do it, Peter,� he whispers. “Thank you.�

At his words I transform back. I’m shaking with relief and something else that I can’t quite figure out. I’m a rat, I think, and then I shudder.

***

Why a rat? I’ve practised three nights in a row now, each time hoping there’d been a mistake and I’d become something else. Why not a cat? Or even a small dog?

“What’s up?� James asks as we reach the Black Lake. “I thought you’d be on a high after finally doing it. I know I was. I couldn’t stop grinning for days.�

“And there was us thinking it was because Lily had spoken to you,� Remus teases James who makes a face.

“’Pass the salt, please, Potter’,� says Sirius, snorting. “I think they were her exact words.�

“Oy! Do you want to use my Cloak or not?� James hisses to them both. “I’ll quite willingly just cover Peter under it if you want to get caught.� He turns back to me. “Are you okay?�

“Yeah,� I sigh, and I stop by the beech tree. The others stop too; I can see them all looking at me. “It’s just ... why a rat?�

Sirius barks with laughter, but Remus silences him with a look.

“Rats are cool. They’re intelligent and loyal,� he says kindly.

“They live in sewers,� I say, and I can hear the disgust in my own voice. I think of my mum. She hates rats, calling them filthy vermin.

“So,� says Sirius, “dogs live on the street eating ra...� He doesn’t finish the word but smiles apologetically.

James says nothing but brings out the Cloak. We can’t all fit under it now, so James usually goes up with me and Remus then comes back for Sirius.

“How about you transform?� he says to me, smiling. “That way we can all get in at once.�

So I do. Sirius picks me up and I sit on his shoulder. We all huddle under the Cloak and make our way slowly through Hogwarts Castle until we reach our dormitory.

***

“Wormtail!� I say in surprise, a week later, when Sirius springs my new nickname on me. “Won’t that make it a bit obvious that I can transform into a rat?�

I’m sure James is smirking. Then I understand. Sirius obviously thinks that no one would ever think me clever enough to be an Animagus. Makes me wonder why he didn’t just call me ‘Ratty.’

“People here are so thick,� says Sirius, “I doubt they’d suspect anything even if Moony started howling!�

***

I blast a hex into the street.

***

September 1st 1977

“Head Boy!� exclaims Mary. “How did that happen, James?�

“He bribed Dumbledore, I think,� Padfoot says lazily as we all walk along the platform. I look anxiously at Moony who we thought would be Head Boy, but he’s laughing along with everyone. When we’d found out that Prongs had the badge, I’d asked him if he minded. Moony had smiled and said no, but how can he not be jealous? Prongs is everything he’d like to be: smart, funny, athletic and now Head Boy. He has everything ... except Lily Evans.

“It wasn’t bribery, Padfoot,� Prongs replies, “just good old fashioned charm and a thirst for responsibility!�

Padfoot snorts and ruffles Prongs’ hair, knocking off his glasses.

“Responsibility?� declares the new Head Girl, who’s shepherding the first years on board the train. “I doubt you know the meaning of the word, James.�

The tone in Lily’s voice is the same as always, slightly disapproving, but am I the only one to notice that she’s called him James?

“You’ll have to teach me then, Lily,� he replies.

Lily flushes slightly and turns to Moony. “You’re still a prefect, I see. Do you want to show him the ropes?�

Moony nods and is about to speak but Prongs interrupts, “Err, aren’t I supposed to be in the Head Boy and Girl carriage with you, organizing rotas and dishing out duties?�

Lily looks flustered. “I suppose so,� she says at last.

“Well, lead on, Head Girl,� orders Prongs. He turns back to Padfoot and me. “I’ll try and join you later... unless... you take that carriage opposite us.�

“No chance!� Padfoot shouts and he’s laughing. “Honestly Prongs, I thought you knew us. That carriage is definitely not a Marauder Carriage!�

***

March 1978

“What the bloody hell do you mean?� Padfoot shouts. We’re in the dormitory waiting for Prongs to finish patrolling. Moony’s already made his way to the Shrieking Shack and is expecting us. “You haven’t got the Map! How could you be so careless, Wormtail?�

“Filch confiscated it,� I say. I’ve never seen Padfoot this angry. I take a deep breath. “I was coming back from the library just now and thought I’d check to see where he was... then,� I gulp, “I... err... walked into him... �

“Why did you have it in the first place? The library at this time is hardly out of bounds. Merlin, how stupid are you? �

Why can’t I use the Map? I think. I helped create it.

“I wanted something from the library,� I say, annoyed that my voice sounds sulky. I want to sound authoritative but instead I sound like a naughty first year. “I happened to have the Map on me, that’s all. I’m sorry, Padfoot.�

He turns away from me and begins to make his bed. He thumps at his pillow rather forcefully.

“Okay, guys, I’m ready,� shouts Prongs as he walks into the room. He catches the furious look on Padfoot’s face and looks across at me. I mumble something and turn away. “What’s going on?�

Padfoot finishes venting his rage on the pillow and straightens up. “That prat has lost the map!�

There’s a long silence. I’m expecting Prongs to explode too and I back away to my bed. “F-Filch confiscated it,� I explain shakily.

“Was it clear?� Prongs asks softly, and I’m not sure what he’s thinking. His hazel eyes, through his glasses, don’t look angry, though.

“I managed to wipe it before he took it,� I reply.

Prongs sighs and turns to Padfoot. “We can manage without it for tonight, can’t we? We know all the tunnels now anyway, and we’ll just have to be a bit more careful, all right. Tomorrow we’ll think of a plan to get it back from Filch.�

Padfoot shrugs and glowers at me. Stupid rat, I think I hear him mutter under his breath but I can’t be sure.

“I’m sorry,� I repeat, but he doesn’t want to hear any apologies.

“Come on,� Padfoot barks as he strides to the door, not looking at me. “Let’s get going.�

***

The dog is laughing as I scoot down the sewer.