Unwanted Gifts
Lily shifted her weight on the lounge chair and sighed softly, staring into the fireplace. There were only burning embers left of the roaring fire that had been there a few hours ago, and it was starting to get cold. She glanced longingly at the warm, knitted green scarf sitting next to her. She hesitated, but then pulled it around her neck.

It was slightly itchy, but most definitely warm. She played with the ends absentmindedly, picking at the wool. She could hear her parents in the kitchen, talking in low voices as they prepared the last of the food for Christmas lunch the next day. Petunia was up in her bedroom, staying as far away from her sister as humanly possible. Lily frowned at the remains of the fire. Another problem she could do nothing to fix.

How had she done it? How on earth had she hurt him so deeply with just a slight movement and two words? She pondered this for a moment, despite already knowing the answer. It was just too hard to actually say, even though they had both known it for years. She had done her best to try and push it to the back of her mind, but this had to happen one day.

Making up her mind, Lily stood up, grabbing a photo frame that she had placed face-down on the floor. She couldn’t leave it. Not like this. Not on Christmas Eve. She had almost reached the door when she glimpsed her reflection in a mirror, with the long green scarf winding around her neck. She took it off hesitantly, placing it on a nearby table as she surveyed her reflection again. That was better. Perhaps.

She had taken two steps towards the door when she changed her mind, and grabbed the scarf again. Pulling it tightly around her neck once more, she called to her parents that she was going out, and wandered out into the cold.

* * *
Earlier that day, Lily had been perfectly happy. It was Christmas Eve, the house was filled with the delicious smells of her mother’s cooking, and there was a wonderful stack of presents piled under their tree, just for her. Her parents and Petunia had gone out to a Christmas party, but Lily had decided to stay home.

She’d invited Severus over, so they could exchange presents. They always did it on Christmas Eve, despite the fact that they saw each other almost every day of the holidays, including Christmas Day. It was their tradition.

Lily pulled a tray of Christmas cookies from the oven and dumped them on the kitchen counter. She inspected them carefully. They weren’t too bad, she supposed. Her mother’s were always a lot neater-looking, with not nearly as many burnt edges, but these would have to do.

There was a knock on the door, and Lily jumped up, abandoning her cooking for the time being. Racing to the front door, she pulled it open to find Severus standing on the welcome mat, shivering in the cold. His hair was sodden from the rain, and he wasn’t wearing a coat. Despite that, he smiled broadly when he saw his best friend.

‘Merry Christmas, Lily.’

‘Gosh, Severus, you must be freezing!’ she cried, pulling him over the threshold and shutting the door behind him. ‘Go into the lounge and warm yourself up. The fire’s going.’

He followed her orders immediately, his teeth chattering. Lily returned to the kitchen and scraped the best cookies off the tray, piling them onto her mother’s best plate. Then she poured out two steaming mugs of hot cocoa and carefully carried everything to the lounge, taking care not to spill it on the carpet.

Severus was sitting on the rug next to the fire, his arms wrapped around his knees. He was still dripping wet, but at least he wasn’t shivering from the cold anymore. Lily placed the plate of cookies on the rug beside him and handed him one of the mugs. He smiled his thanks, taking a sip.

‘You really shouldn’t walk through the cold without a coat on,’ she scolded him gently. ‘I could have come to visit you. Or you could have at least waited until the rain let up.’

‘I wanted to see you,’ he said simply, shrugging. Lily smiled, lifting her own drink to her lips. Severus watched her for a moment, his dark eyes penetrating hers. She lowered her drink and he looked away, clearing his throat. ‘I bought you a present,’ he said, picking up a small, neatly wrapped parcel that she hadn’t noticed before.

‘Oh! I have yours, too,’ she said, jumping up and running to the Christmas tree. There was a small package amidst all the gifts for her and Petunia, and she picked it up, taking it back to their place in front of the fire. Sitting back down lightly, Lily tried to hand it to him, but he shook his head.

‘I go first,’ he said with a smile, handing her his present. ‘Merry Christmas!’

Lily shook it first, holding it up to her ear. It was very light. She tore at the paper, revealing a small gold box. Glancing up at Severus, she opened the box, picking up a long, thick scarf. It was a bright, Slytherin green. Laughing, Lily wrapped it around her neck.

‘Thanks, Sev!’ she cried, beaming at him. He grinned at her enthusiasm.

‘Slytherin colours,’ he said, giving her a small smile. Then he frowned. ‘I forgot it would clash with your hair. Oh well. You look very Christmassy, at least.’

She poked her tongue out at him playfully, and then promptly deposited her own present into his hands. ‘Open yours!’ she said. She much preferred giving presents to receiving them.

‘Thanks,’ he said, pulling gently at the tape on the ends. He was always meticulous in opening his presents – Lily had never seen him rip the paper. He always folded it carefully afterwards, so it could be reused.

When it was finally open, Severus smiled happily, leaning forward to see it better with the light from the fire. It was a photo of the pair of them, taken with the Muggle camera she had borrowed from her father one day. She had put it in a simple silver frame, and decided it would look much nicer in his bedroom than in hers. He stared down at their immobile faces now, tapping the glass.

‘Yes, they don’t move,’ Lily said exasperatedly, but she was smiling. ‘You’ll get used to it.’

‘It’s amazing,’ he said softly, tracing his fingers over her frozen face. ‘You look so pretty.’

Lily smiled uncomfortably. ‘You do, too,’ she said brightly, and he laughed. Then he looked up at her real face. She was slightly pink from sitting so close to the fire, and now she went even pinker at being in such close proximity to Severus, with him staring at her so seriously.

‘You always look pretty,’ he said. His face shifted infinitesimally to hers, and he placed his cold hand over the top of her warm one. It was trembling. He closed his eyes, and Lily realised much too late what he was trying to do, jerking her face out the way and pulling her hand out from under his. Her breathing was shallow, and her cheeks were burning as she regained her composure. His eyes flew open again, staring at her in bewilderment as his cheeks started to flush red.

‘No, Severus,’ she said, giving him a despairing look. ‘It’s just … I’m sorry. I don’t …’ she trailed off, horrified, watching as his face crumpled. She hadn’t known it would hurt him so badly … a pang of regret sliced through her heart as he jumped to his feet, knocking over his empty mug of cocoa.

‘I have to go home,’ he said gruffly. ‘Merry Christmas, Lily.’

With these words, he hurried off without a backward glance. The front door banged loudly as he let himself out. Lily still hadn’t moved, but now she grabbed the photo frame he had left behind, holding it so tightly that she thought it might break. A hot tear trickled down her cheek, followed by another, until she was crying so hard that she could hardly hold herself together.

A whisper. ‘Come back, Sev. I’m sorry.’

But he was gone, out in the cold with no coat and a broken heart.

* * *
She knew where he would be. It was where he always went when he wanted to be alone; where she would always find him eventually. Clutching the photo frame to her chest, she entered the small grove of trees where, sure enough, he was sitting on the ground, staring into the almost frozen river.

He must have heard her approaching, but he made no sign of recognition, even when she sat down next to him. She ran her finger over the edge of the photo frame, and then attempted to hand it to him. When he still made no move, she put it down on the grass in front of them, so their smiling, happy faces stared up at their solemn counterparts.

‘You shouldn’t be out here in just a shirt,’ she said quietly. ‘You’ll catch a cold.’

As if on cue, his body gave an involuntary shiver. She wished she had brought him a coat, but it was too late for that now. She opened her mouth, hesitated, and closed it again. Severus was still gazing out over the river.

‘I’m sorry, Sev,’ she tried to say, but it came out as barely a whisper. Still, he heard. His face turned away from her a little, and his shoulders shook. She placed her hand over his tentatively, and he pulled it away immediately.

‘Don’t touch me,’ he snarled, making her flinch. He still hadn’t turned to look at her.

‘Sev …’ Lily whispered. A tear rolled down her cheek involuntarily. ‘Sev, I’m sorry.’

‘What do you think sorry is going to do, Lils?’ he asked tonelessly. He finally turned to face her, his dark eyes boring holes into hers. ‘I’m doing everything I can here. But nothing, nothing I do is good enough for you. It’s hopeless, isn’t it? Just say it.’

His voice cracked at the end, and he turned back to look over the river. Trying to stop the tears, Lily bit down on her lip, hard. She clutched her hands together tightly, looking down at the ground.

‘I love you, I truly do. Just … not in the way you want me to.’

It was awkwardly phrased, but the best she could do without hurting him anymore than she already had. He stayed immobile, and Lily sighed. She stood up, brushing particles of ice off her jacket. ‘I guess I should go.’

She had barely turned to leave when his cold, bony fingers flew out and grabbed her wrist. ‘Don’t leave,’ he said, his voice cracking. The pure sadness in his tone was enough to make her turn back, even though she would have anyway. She would have done anything for him. Anything except that. He pulled her back down next to him, and immediately let go of her hand. ‘I – I’m sorry, too, Lily.’

‘Don’t be,’ she said, taking his hand back. She rubbed it between hers, doing her best to warm up his frozen fingers. ‘Are you … do you … what do we do now?’ She looked at him helplessly, unsure of what to say. He smiled.

‘Forget it ever happened,’ he said. ‘Merry Christmas, Lily.’

And so they sat there, hand in hand, staring out at the reflection of the setting sun on the river. Friends. Best friends, actually. And that was enough for now, even for Severus.