He was stealing my youth. He was stealing it, and I wanted it back. I was sick of searching the newspaper anxiously every goddamn morning for news of more murders, more massacres, more destruction. It seemed that that was all the Prophet thought was worth reporting these days. I had given up hope of reading anything positive. It was only a matter of time before it would report the death of someone in my family or one of my friends. As much as I didn’t want that to happen, I couldn’t deny that it would. And it wasn’t just me, either. All anyone could think about was who the next one was. Whose name will be in the newspaper tomorrow? Will it be any of my friends? Any of my family?

There were no smiles in the corridors anymore. No laughter was carried down to the entrance hall. He was stealing all of our youths. I had finally come to that realization, sitting with the latest edition of the Prophet grasped firmly in my right hand, comfortably alone as I was sitting under a tree by the lake. I was deliberately not opening the paper. I couldn’t stand it. I knew what I would read there. Muggle family of three, killed in their home in London by a Death Eater on a mission that presumably failed. It wasn’t my parents, and it wasn’t my grandparents either. It was people living next door to my grandparents. I knew those people. They were nice. They always gave me biscuits whenever I was visiting my grandparents. They had a daughter of three, whom I once babysat. She would never be four. Her sister, however, was now left without a family, and would return from her boarding school to an empty house.

I shook my head, trying to get rid of these thoughts. They were of no use. I was angry that these things kept happening, these pointless murders. I threw my apple as far away as I could, having lost my appetite by now. It was getting dark, but I was in no hurry to leave. Friday night, and here I was, utterly depressed and with no plans for the weekend. I had promised my friends to go to Hogsmeade with them, but I considered cancelling. I wasn’t in the mood, even though it was far between those selected few Hogsmeade weekends we still had. I didn’t even have any plans to do homework. And this was not a rare thing. I never did anything these days. I barely scraped through the week, doing only the homework I needed to do, and otherwise sitting in the common room with my fellow Gryffindors staring into the fire, occasionally exchanging a sentence or two with someone or playing a quiet game of chess. It wasn’t until tonight that I had taken refuge out on the grounds. With the knowledge of the murders of people somewhat close to me, I had become utterly depressed. I was partly disgusted with myself, as I had witnessed friends breaking down in tears at news of their parents’ deaths, the death of a brother or sister, or the death of a best friend, and still managing to get through the day when they woke up in morning, keeping themselves occupied. And here I was, completely destroyed by the first attack on people I simply knew and weren’t completely close to. I was sure that when the time came, and someone I loved would be sporting their name in the paper, I would stop doing anything at all and become a human statue. I didn’t exactly fancy that future. I would rather see myself fighting these horrible people, but I was afraid that he was not only stealing my youth, but my courage and ability to live as well. Voldemort would take it all from me without me ever doing anything to stop it.

I shivered. It was getting cold and I hadn’t brought a warm cloak. But I still made no move to return to the castle and a warm common room, only sat there staring at the lake, my mind filled with depressing thoughts. I sighed, thinking I’d better bring something more positive to read if I planned to make this human statue thing a habit. That was when I heard a familiar voice calling out to me.

“Lily?” the voice called softly from behind me. “Lily, is that you?”

I turned my head and saw a figure some distance away, slowly getting closer. I recognized him immediately. I hadn’t needed to turn around and look at him. I’d known straight away. It was funny; I used to get so annoyed when I was near him. In all my life, I can’t remember anyone ever making my temper boil as he did. And then, suddenly, those arguments too had seemed irrelevant. A sort of sleepiness had come over us all; we hardly had a decent conversation with anyone anymore. We suffered in silence, and we bore our burdens as best we could. No one was spared from nightmares, but if we didn’t mention them, then maybe, just maybe, they would go away. In the back of my mind, I knew that was not going to last. It wouldn’t be long before we’d have to talk about it or risk losing our sanity and friendships. But for now, it worked. At least for me it did.

“Yes,” I answered, waiting for him to come to me. I always had waited for, and expected, him to come to me. And he did. He came closer as silently as possible, sitting down next to me.

“Why are you out here? And why are you holding the Prophet?”

I started shaking slightly from the cold and silently handed him the paper. He didn’t open it immediately.

“You’re cold.” It wasn’t a question; it was merely a statement. I didn’t protest as he put his warm cloak over my shoulders. Then he opened the paper, whispered “lumos” and skimmed the articles.

“I’m guessing you knew this Muggle family?” he whispered, pointing at a line in an article. I glanced down and confirmed by nodding slightly.

“They were my grandparents’ neighbors,” I whispered back, a silent tear escaping the corner of my eye. He looked sympathetically at me.

“I’m sorry, Lils,” he said, putting an arm around my shoulders. I didn’t shake it off. It was a friendly gesture, and one that I welcomed at the moment. More tears ran down my cheeks.

“You must think I’m pathetic,” I cried, wiping at the tears with a hand, “when I’m so distressed about murders of people I don’t even know that well. I mean, I’ve seen lots of our friends coping better with the loss of their family.” He shook his head slowly.

“I don’t think that at all. A lot of those whose family members have been amongst the victims of this bloody war have lost others before them. Remember that many of them aren’t Muggle-born. Their families are involved in this war. These people, your grandparents’ neighbors, they are the first victims you knew personally. It’s tough every time, but extremely tough the first time,” he finished, glancing at me to see my reaction to his answer. I was surprised that tears were flowing freely from my eyes now. It was like his little speech had cut through my stoic state of mind and the tears wouldn’t stop.

“Did you know their daughter, she was, she was only three,” I wept, holding my hands to my face. “And her sister, their other daugh-daughter, she is only twelve, and she is away at boarding school, and, and…”

I couldn’t continue. I just sat there, sobbing, while he hugged me, letting me cry until my tears ran out. Then we sat there in silence for a while, looking at the quiet lake. Eventually, a thought occurred to me.

“Why are you out here?” I asked him, still speaking quietly. He shrugged.

“Couldn’t stand being in the common room, so I thought I’d go for a walk. Somehow I ended down here.”

“Things are terrible, aren’t they?” I asked rhetorically. “I hate how things are. I want my old life back.”

He nodded. “Me too,” he whispered slowly. “But Lils, things will get better. As long as we’re at Hogwarts, at least our families know we’re safe. We can’t do anything for their safety right now, but once we graduate, we can fight and do something good. Until then all we can do is hold onto our friends and fight despair, I think.”

I thought about what he said and silently agreed. “Our friends are really important, aren’t they? They are practically the only ones we can trust besides our family,” I reasoned.

“Yeah…” He shivered, so I offered him half his cloak back. He took it gratefully, and as we sat there together under that warm piece of clothing, staring out at the lake, I realized it was the most content I’d felt in a long time. I decided to ask him something that had been on my mind ever since I’d positioned myself under the tree the same afternoon.

“James, do remember when you told me I didn’t have the guts to fight anyone with anything other than words?” I was thinking about an argument we’d had in fifth year, when I’d yelled at him for jinxing a Slytherin, and he’d told me I was a coward. The Slytherin he’d jinxed had done something horrible to one of James’ friends, I’d forgotten what, but I remembered his answer to me when I had accused him of not being able to solve conflicts without bullying people. At the time, I had thought he was completely off his rocker. But his words stayed with me. We’d both changed since then, he’d stopped hexing people all the time, and I’d stopped blaming him for it when he did. The truth was that I was afraid he’d been right about me. I was so opposed to the war Voldemort was leading, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to fight. It was a strong wish of mine to be able to do so; it was the only thing I could imagine myself doing when seventh year was over, but what if I couldn’t? What if I simply didn’t have the guts to cast any other spell than a Shield Charm?

James was silent for a long time before he answered. “Yes, I remember. I was very angry that day. I thought you’d caught me at precisely the wrong time because you hadn’t seen what happened before that episode, but now I’m not so sure. Jinxes and hexes are fine, but only when you need them to defend yourself. They are not fine as a tool for revenge. You taught me that,” he finished, tracing small circles in the grass with his right index finger, looking down. I was taken by surprise by this answer. I hadn’t really thought that I’d taught him anything, I was sure it was just him growing up. And maybe it was. What mattered was that he had changed. But then I opened my mouth again, trying to put words to what I was trying to ask.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure if it wasn’t you who was right that day. Maybe I don’t have the guts when it comes down to it. Maybe I’m only good at giving out detentions and sitting around doing nothing,” I finally said lamely. Suddenly James gripped my shoulders and turned me so I looked directly at him. He stared intently into my eyes. I could see the full moon reflected in his glasses as I looked back at him. His hair was it usual messy self. In fact, he looked a lot like he used to, except for that intense look in his eyes.

“Lily, I don’t think that at all. It was just something I said that day because I was embarrassed and angry and needed to yell something back at you to make myself feel better. I think you are brave and amazing. You may not feel up to fighting right now, but I am a hundred percent positive that when it gets heated out there, you will be one of most excellent fighters on our side.”

I blushed and praised my lucky stars that it was dark so he wouldn’t notice. It made me both a bit embarrassed and extremely happy that James held so much faith in me. I realized that he was still looking at me, awaiting my reaction, and started feeling a bit uncomfortable.

“Uhm, thanks, James,” I choked out. “I’m positive you’ll be a great fighter too.”

He smiled and hugged me, then rose from his position next to me, extending a hand for me to grab a hold of.

“Are you coming back to the castle with me?” he asked. I refrained from answering, but grabbed his hand instead. As we were making our way back over the grounds, I noticed how beautiful the sky was. All the stars were shining and the full moon was making its existence known, making me feel very little. I suddenly realized that if I didn’t want this war to steal away my youth, I would have to fight back. Not only by fighting Death Eaters, but also by not giving into despair, and by doing the things I wanted to. And I was glad that I had James by my side. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that I had needed him to come and find me tonight. He was the one person I could always depend on, who would always be there to talk about things with me. Somehow, I couldn’t talk freely with anyone but James. And with this realization came the knowledge that I didn’t ever want to be apart from him. I think I’d known that for a long time, but it took the deaths of three innocents to make me admit to myself who was the most important person in my life at Hogwarts. I glanced at James. I suddenly noticed how tall he was compared to me. His hair was sticking in every direction, a complete mess, but he didn’t attempt to flatten it. It had been a while since he’d done that. James, noticing my look, smiled at me.

“So, what plans do you have for the weekend?” he asked casually, trying to lighten the mood. I shook my head and told him I hadn’t planned anything at all.

“What, not even going to Hogsmeade?” he inquired incredulously. I shook my head again.

“Well, I’ve promised to go with Alice and Cathy, but I don’t think I’m in the mood. It feels weird whenever I try to do something normal with my friends.” I turned my eyes to the sky again, fearing he would laugh at how stupid I was being. But he didn’t. Instead, he waited until I had turned my gaze back to him and then asked me something that I would have yelled at him for a year ago. But things had changed.

“How about going there with me instead, then? We could go in a big group, you know, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Alice and Cathy. And us. Would that be okay?”

I knew he had only meant the two of us. And I was surprised that I actually preferred going with him alone, with none of our friends. I knew I had to talk to Cathy and Alice soon, if I wanted to keep them as my friends. I hadn’t really talked to them in a long time. And I probably would have to go with them to Hogsmeade tomorrow or risk them being disappointed by my lack of interest in our friendship. But as I looked into James’ eyes, I found myself nodding. He smiled, and that was when I thought that I had to tell him no, even though I didn’t want to. At least tell him no for tomorrow.

“The two of us sounds great. But I think I have to go with Cathy and Alice tomorrow, I’ve promised for a long time that I would.” I feared that he would be disappointed, but he wasn’t. He just nodded. And then he started running, pulling me along behind him. This shook me out of my dreaming state and I shouted at him.

“James, what are you doing?” I tried to keep his pace and avoid falling, but I wasn’t sure I would succeed for long. He yelled back at me.

“Well, if you can’t go with me tomorrow, you can go with me tonight,” he answered, pointing at the big clock at the side of the astronomy tower to indicate that it was only half past seven.

“But I don’t have my cloak,” I interjected stupidly. Why on earth this was the first thing that came to my mind, I have no idea. The fact that we could get caught trying to sneak into Hogsmeade, not to mention I didn’t know how we would go about doing that in the first place, didn’t seem to enter my mind at all.

He laughed. It was the first real laugh I’d heard in a long time, and it felt like the first drop of rain after a long dry. I smiled.

“Don’t worry; we’ll get you a cloak. Or you can borrow mine,” he added. We entered through the castle doors and continued up the marble staircase. I wasn’t afraid to get caught so far; the Head Girl and Head Boy walking the corridors was hardly something we would get reprimanded for. When we were almost at the portrait of the Fat Lady, we met Sirius, who was holding a bundle in his hands.

“Hello, beautiful people,” he greeted cheerfully. I smiled at him. When had I last noticed how cheerful he always was? I noticed that he quickly hid the bundle he was carrying so I didn’t get a chance at a closer look. “I take it you won’t be playing chess with us tonight, James?” he asked playfully, making James shoot him a warning glance.

“That’s right, Sirius. I was going to take Lily to Hogsmeade, since we both need a drink. Besides, can I borrow your cloak? I would prefer not having to enter the common room as people will hardly have gone to bed by now,” he said. I had the distinct impression that they were talking about more than me going to Hogsmeade with James and thereby making James miss out on a game of chess. I also got the feeling that Sirius knew James had gone out to the grounds, probably, I thought, with the sole purpose of finding me. However, I came to the conclusion that I would ask James about it another time. Right now, I was curious as to how he would go about getting us into Hogsmeade.

“Sure mate. Take it,” Sirius grinned, throwing his cloak at him. “Well, I’ll see you two lovebirds tomorrow. Right now, I have a date,” he added, shifting his bundle so I wouldn’t get a closer look as he passed us. He winked mischievously at us and waved as he disappeared down the corridor. James grinned at me, motioning me to follow. After running down numerous corridors, we came to a halt in front of a statue of a one-eyed witch. James tipped it with his wand and whispered some nonsense word, and suddenly there was the opening to a tunnel. He gave me the cloak Sirius had thrown at him.

“It gets a bit cold down there, so you better put it on now,” he warned. He was about to turn and enter the tunnel when I grabbed onto his arm. I felt like I had to tell him this while I still had the guts.

“James, wait…” I whispered cautiously, and he turned to look questioningly at me. “I… I want you to know that I’m happy you came out to me on the grounds tonight. I-,” I drew a deep breath before continuing, “I really needed that.” He looked at me and smiled.

“Anytime, Lils,” he said softly, and traced my chin with his finger. I realized what he was doing, and I wasn’t sure I was quite ready for it, but I didn’t protest as he leaned down and kissed me. It wasn’t a passionate kiss; it wasn’t one that sent chills down my spine either. It was a soft, reassuring kiss, which I found was exactly right at the moment, and just what I needed. There was a silent understanding between us as we looked in each other’s eyes. I knew that he would always be there, and I knew that sometime, we would get together. And we would stay together.

“Anytime,” he repeated, and then suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me down in the tunnel after him, laughing as he did so. Being dragged down in that secret tunnel directly behind James, I had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, my youth wasn’t stolen. Then I started laughing as well.