I'm sitting on one of the couches in the common room - the one that's meant to be in an especially cold spot. How ironic, since I don't feel cold at all. I'm leaning against Blaise, who is my new boyfriend, and he has his arm around my waist, sort of holding me in place. It's very comfortable. He's also doing this thing with his other hand, something that's not quite a massage, just around the back of my neck where all the short hair is, and his hands are so incredibly warm and light.

My legs are stretched across the couch, and are being kept warm in the lap of Draco - my other boyfriend - while he finishes his homework for Charms or Transfiguration or something-or-other. Whatever it is, he's really focused on it. I sort of nudge him a bit in the side with my toe, and he glances up from his work and smiles at me, then goes back to the parchment. Draco's not the smiling type - not really - but he has a smile, and it's a bit like it's a secret, just for me.

Blaise's fingers flutter at my side and it feels like gooseflesh is breaking out down thereI start to get goosebumps. Well, I guess Blaise can know about the secret smile. It'll be a secret for us, then.

Draco has a lot of secrets, and I think I know most of them. He's a different person when we're alone. Maybe another person might not be able to notice, but I can. I know him so well, just like he knows me. We've seen each other cry. We've seen each other naked. We love each other, but it's the kind of love where we don't have to say it all the time. Like if we didn't, it'd stop somehow. I don't want love like that, ugh. It's silly. It's immature.

I smile a little to myself. That's exactly what none of us are, immature. I love Draco and I'm falling in love with Blaise; both of them know that and they're all right with it and I'm all right with that, just like I'd be completely all right with my boys being in love with some other girl. They could be with her. But it would have to be a love like we have - a proper love, a mature love, not silly schoolgirl I-love-you-so-much-not-as-much-as-I-love-you rubbish.

My boys. I like that. My boys. They're above silly things like I am. I move slightly in Blaise's arms, and I feel his warm breath on the back of my neck just before he kisses me there, once, softly. He could do that all night.

That reminds me that there's still something I need to tell Draco. It's part of the rules that we all agreed on last night, and how stupid would I be if I were to go breaking them? Rules for something like this are important. We all agreed that we'd all tell each other about anything that went on while one of us wasn't there (for a second, while we were discussing, I though about Blaise and Draco coming to me to tell me that'd been 'experimenting', but of course that's silly, things like that don't happen in real life, and since we were trying to be as realistic as possible I didn't bring it up, not even as a joke), and so I guess I've got something to tell Draco about that happened between me and Blaise. It was before we had set out the rules, but we all should go with the spirit of the rules instead of the letter. Full disclosure.

It was just before the end of school, before the summer, when there was still an Inquisitorial Squad. That was fun, while it lasted. The patrols worked out that I was with Blaise, and we were checking inside some of the empty classrooms, not saying much. (I guess I like my men silent, right?) We opened up one of the doors and Blaise said my name, startling me a little. I just stopped in the doorway. I was thinking maybe he'd seen something going on in there and was going to warn me to be careful, or something like that, but he put his hand on my shoulder like he didn't want me going any further into the classroom, and moved to stand right next to me. It was quiet enough and he was close enough for me to hear him breathing. He bent down (and he has to bend down such a long way, he's so damned tall) and said my name again, murmured it, almost whispered it close to my ear, and I felt that short hair on the back of my neck stand up to attention. It was dark in the classroom and we were blocking the light from the lantern in Blaise's other hand, so I turned to face him and he leaned closer, and then he was kissing me and I was kissing him back., and I wanted to say we should stop, and that I was with Draco and I loved him, wanted to take a second to breathe but I had to put an arm around him and another at my back to hold on to the doorway to keep my balance, because Blaise was somehow pressing me up against the thick doorway in a way that seemed like it should have hurt at least a little with how forceful it was but it didn't hurt at all, it felt very right, and him pressing against me made me feel a warmth in the pit of my stomach that felt like it was just waiting to be set free and spread all over the rest of me.

That feeling's coming back a little, and I'm not really sure if it's from me thinking about then or because of what Blaise is doing with his fingers on my neck, but whatever the reason, it's something I - we - should tell Draco about, if we're being open and all. He'll understand, because he's not silly like all the other boys are. He's never been silly, or much of a boy, either. That's the reason I love him. It was in Hogsmeade, in the winter just after a big snowfall, when I knew for sure. We were walking up the main street and he had nodded his head at some couple from school (who probably would have split up a week later, silly drama) in the window of one of those teahouses. He smirked, and I said, "I wouldn't want to be like that," and he said, "We wouldn't be like that, Pansy," and I slipped my gloved hand into his while we kept walking. That's all there was to it. We didn't need to go have tea together, or charm silly notes to fly around the back of the classroom while the professor wasn't looking, or anything like that. We were better than that.

So it's only natural Draco would understand how a more open relationship could work. Blaise and I, we came to Draco last night and we took turns explaining what it was we wanted (we had rehearsed this a bit through letters over the summer), and he just accepted it and wanted to know what rules we had in mind. Such a difference from all the other boys at school, who undoubtedly would have asked something stupid, if they let us finish at all. Draco wasn't like that at all; he just listened, quiet and thoughtful, and paid complete attention to us. We agreed that we didn't have to do everything together; that we should each have enough time alone, because that's important in a healthy and honest relationship. That we should tell each other about anything we did together. That any one of us could, at any time, call for a discussion of the rules, because we had to be able to stay flexible if there was something we hadn't thought of. When we had all agreed, we shook hands in an odd three-way triangle, and each of us laughed a little. I kissed my boys goodnight, first Draco and then Blaise, and announced I was going to bed.

And here I am now, between Blaise and Draco, feeling warm and loved. Draco's finished with his whatever homework, and I motion to him to move closer. He does and I take a hold of his hand as Blaise holds my other hand. My fingers lock with each of theirs. This feels just right - I know it's going to work. We're all mature enough to make it work.

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It's a week later and Draco and I are having a fight. I think it's our first ever, and I don't know what it's really about. Except, I do - he's jealous and he can't come out and say it, that's why he's pushing me away. I tell him that. He swears and stares - glares - at me for a very long time, and his shoulders slump and he turns from me and begins to walk away.

"Where do you think you're going?" I call after him.

"To class," he says without breaking stride.

Instantly I'm sorry, because I hear it in his voice; this hurt and confusion that's so unlike him, that he's trying desperately to not let out.I run after him. I say that no matter what he's thinking, I'd understand. I put my hand on his shoulder to stop him, and he stops. Says something barely audible. Tentatively, I ask what he said. Draco pushes my hand from his shoulder and levels me again with his stare. His eyes are cold, and I realise I might not know the secret in them.

"No, you won't, I said." He starts walking again, and then adds in what seems like an afterthought: "Enjoy being with Blaise."

I'm stunned, so much so that I just stand in the corridor watching Draco walk away. I feel a parting word - Fine! - wanting to jump out of my mouth, but it would be childish to say that, so I keep silent. I don't know what it is that happened.

I don't know.

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Too much love will kill you, if you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover, and the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster 'cause you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you, every time.

- May, Musker, and Lamers


09-04-27