The green and silver curtains were still. It was as though they sensed a deep mourning. It was as though they knew the occupants of their room were moving out, leaving forever. This was no time for swaying in a gentle breeze.

Yet, the curtains continued to sparkle in the dazzling sunlight. Sure, their occupants were leaving, but that meant that new friends would come! And what was life without change?

These mixed emotions were also felt by all the graduating Hogwarts students. They felt as though a little part of them was dying, but at the same time, a new piece of their life was being born. They were going out into the world. They were leaving the safety of Hogwarts behind. They were leaping into the unknown fearlessly. They were going to fend for themselves, and they were going to shine.

With these thoughts in mind, the graduates skipped up to their dormitories and packed their bags, chatting animatedly to one and other. Girls and boys dashed through the corridors, tackling boyfriends and girlfriends, best friends and friends, brothers and sisters. People gossiped about who was going to marry who and explained what jobs they hoped to have.

Amid all the chaos, Severus Snape stood, holding a badly wrapped gift in his hands. His beetle black eyes were sweeping the crowd, searching for the lion’s mane. His eyes narrowed…his tongue swept his lips…a bead of sweat trickled down his nose…

A flash of red. “Lily.” He whispered the beautiful name, relishing in the tingling sensation it gave him. This was his last chance, his final opportunity to tell her how much she meant to him. This would be his last act as a Hogwarts student: Finding her, telling her the truth, and…sealing it with a kiss.

He began to push through the crowd, dodging sweaty armpits and random hugs. He trudged relentlessly through the sea of people, moving towards the fiery red hair…closer…closer…

“Lily.” He wasn’t whispering it now; he was saying it. Shouting it! SCREAMING IT FOR THE WORLD TO HEAR! Hoping against hope that tender words and well thought-out gifts would woo her. Hoping against hope that the truth would bring her to him. Please…

He took a deep breath. This was it. The moment of truth. The final confrontation. The make-it-or-break-it conversation. He crossed his fingers, moistened his lips, and…

“Snape.”

He half-cringed as she turned around, her emerald eyes flashing, her voice dripping with poison. How could someone so beautiful, so caring be capable of such fierce anger?

“Lily…I need to talk to you.”

He was fully staring at her now. Her emerald eyes were narrowed into slits. Her fiery mane was bristling with fury. Her hands were balled into fists. Anyone else looking at her would’ve fled in fear, but not him. She looked livid, yet gorgeous.

“I’m sick of your excuses, Snivellus. Leave me alone and take your puke-“She jerked her head towards his present. “-with you.”

“This isn’t puke, Lily. It’s a present. F-for you.” He stumbled over the words slightly, feeling embarrassed. She had called his present ‘puke’. All of sudden, he was doubting himself. All of sudden, he was doubting the truth.

“For me?” Lily sounded surprised. Her eyes widened slightly and she stared at him as though she had never seen him before. “What is it?”

“Come with me and you’ll find out. Please, Lily,” he pleaded.

Lily rolled her eyes. “Fine. But if it’s a mug with the engraving ‘Mudblood’ on it, you are getting it smashed up your…never mind.” He laughed. So did Lily. They laughed as they walked away from the crowd. And they continued to laugh until Lily stopped abruptly, blushing. They continued their walk in an awkward silence.

Finally, they were far, far away from the crowd. Severus stopped and turned to face Lily, whose face was bright pink. “This is uncomfortable…” she murmured. “Being back
here…with you…a boy…”

“You were never uncomfortable before,” he pointed out.

“Yes, but…that was before. It’s different now.”

This was what he had been waiting for. He jumped straight into the speech he had planned, speaking confidently. This was it!

“Lily, do you want things to go back to the way they were before? Do you want to be friends with me again?” He raised his eyebrows. “Well? Do you?”

Lily shifted uncomfortably. She leaned against the wall. She twirled her hair. She stared at her feet. She sighed. And he waited. And waited. And waited.

When she finally replied, he noticed that her voice was strangled and uncertain. “I…I would like things to go back to the way they were before, but…I just can’t wipe away the memory of…of that day. It will always be in my heart. It will always be in my soul. It’s like a stain. It’s a constant reminder of what you…of what you promised you’d never say.”

“I can take it away, Lily. I can…I can do things that no one else can do! I can take the memory from your mind. You and I could…be friends again. Or something more.” He swallowed hard. He wiped his brow. He hoped.

Lily chewed on her lip. “I…What would you do?”

“I could get a Penseive. And anything you don’t want to remember, you can take away.” He put a shaking hand on her shoulder, shifting the gift to his other hand. “You want that, right?”

“Could I see them? Could I keep them?” she whispered, her eyes closed.

“Yes, but the point-“

“I don’t want them to go away! They’re part of me. Severus, can you let me keep them?” Her voice was fierce even though her legs were shaking. He took a deep breath.

“Yes. I can.”

She opened her eyes and gazed at him. He was alarmed to see her eyes were shimmering with tears. He pulled her in. “Don’t cry,” he whispered, stroking her hair. “Please, don’t cry. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You already did. It’s so mixed up and confusing! You called me a Mudblood, even though I thought I liked you…liked you-liked you. But I was wrong! And now…you’re talking to me, and I feel like I… but your chances are up. I can’t give you my heart, because I know you’re capable of killing it.” She was crying now. “I don’t want to get hurt, Sev.”

“I don’t want to see you hurt. I want to see you happy. I want…” He stared at the gift in his hand. Now or never. He pressed it into her trembling arms. “Open this. It will explain everything.”

Lily sniffed, glancing sideways at him. “What-?”

“Just open it.”

Curiously, Lily peeled the wrapping paper off. She cast it aside. She peeled the Spellotape off. She stuck that to the wall. She tore everything off until she was left holding…

“A ring,” she murmured. “A wedding ring. But…” She raised her eyes to him and he watched as tears splashed down her face. Slowly, with a grin spreading across his face, he took the box from her and knelt down.

“Lillian Evans, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please, will you marry me?”

Lily gasped, and then broke down into sobs. He stayed on the ground, grinning goofily, hoping, wishing, knowing that she would say yes. She had to.

“No.”

“What?”

He must’ve heard her wrong. He blinked once, twice. Did she say…no? “No?”

“No.”

He gaped at her. She was cowering, her whole body quivering as she silently cried. Why was she crying? Why was she refusing?

“Why?”

She took a shuddery breath. Raising her head, she whispered, “Because it will hurt. Because I’m afraid. Because you’ll break my heart. Do you need any more answers?”

“I…this…but…Lily, I love you.”

“Yes, Severus. I love you too. At least, I used to. But I don’t. Because you hurt me. I don’t want to go through that again.” She stared at him pityingly. “I’m sorry.”

“Sure you are,” he said sarcastically. “You’re all just so damn sorry! ‘I’m sorry, Severus, but you’re ugly!’ ‘I’m sorry, Severus, but I don’t want to be your friend because you’re a creep!’ ‘I’M SORRY, SEVERUS, BUT I DON’T LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU’LL HURT ME!!’ I’M JUST SO DAMN SORRY!”

“Severus, I-“Lily began helplessly, but he cut her off.

“NO! I won’t listen to you. You never once stopped to think about how I would feel. Don’t you know that you hurt me? I’ve loved you since I met you! WE WERE NINE YEARS OLD AND I LOVED YOU! But you always pushed me aside! You would rather have a popular boy like Potter! What the bloody hell does Potter have that I don’t? Friends? The ability to mend all your pain? THE ABILITY TO NEVER HURT YOU? Because quite frankly, I don’t believe any of that crap. Everything hurts, Lily. It’s not just me!

“But you’re afraid to even like me because I’m ‘a Death-Eater’. Did you know that with you as my wife, I would turn my back on the Dark Arts? I WOULD! Now that I’ve been HURT, I think that being a Death-Eater will help me. It’ll give me power. I’ve been shunned far too many times, but with You-Know-Who…I can do anything. But maybe he won’t take me. BECAUSE ACCORDING TO YOU, NO ONE WILL WANT ME! NO GIRL WILL EVER MARRY ME! I GIVE TO MUCH PAIN! BUT LILY EVANS, GOD DAMN IT, DIDN’T YOU STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE YOU’VE JUST HURT ME MORE TIMES THAN YOU’LL GET HURT IN YOUR GOD DAMN LIFE!”

He was panting, his face bright red, muttering swear words under his breath. Lily was standing straight up, her hair bristling, her eyes flashing, her hands balled into fists.

“Well, I was going to rethink my answer, but you just used up your LAST CHANCE. No more last chances from me. Goodbye, Snivellus. And good riddance."

The Hogwarts Express seemed to be moving slower than ever. It crept along the tracks as if it wanted to savor the last few moments it had with the graduating students.

At the same time, it seemed to race past everything. All was a blur. It wanted to hurry the students out into their new life, even though it would never see them again. It wanted the students to be happy, to make a name for themselves, to have an adventure. And what was life without a little thrill?

These feelings were shared by the graduates of Hogwarts, who looked tearfully behind them as Hogwarts disappeared forever. Girls sobbed onto the shoulders of boys, older siblings whispered words of comfort to younger ones, friends reminisced about life at Hogwarts, and somewhere, James Potter was proposing to Lily Evans.

Severus Snape did not feel or realize that any of this was happening. He was in his own little compartment at the back, staring out the window, seeing and feeling nothing. What mattered anymore? Lily was gone. She was never going to forgive him. His entire life, his love…wasted. What did he have to live for anymore?

‘Mum,’ a voice in his mind scolded. ‘For once, think about Mother. Stop wallowing in self-pity and start thinking up ways to help her. She’s sick, you know.’

Severus sighed. His mother was sick with tuberculosis, yes, but what did it matter? In the end, his father would kill her someway. Why get in his way?

‘Because if Mother dies, than you’ll be forced to live with Father for the rest of your life; or his, anyway. He’ll make you his personal maid! Help Mother, take her away, give her happiness. Leave Father to rot.’ The voice sounded vicious, blood-thirsty, and evil. Severus shuddered. “Father’s still my father,” he said aloud to himself. “I can’t just leave him. Mother won’t leave him either. She loves him; otherwise she would’ve left already!”

‘Well, if Mother dies, you’ll have nowhere to turn. Father will be a bastard, as usual; you have no friends who are nice enough to let you stay with them; and Lily’s gone. You can’t cry on her shoulder. You have to help Mother!’ The little voice was screaming now, but Severus refused to listen to it. “If I save Mother, than I’m saving Father, too,” Severus told himself. “I can do this. Mother won’t die. Father will go into counseling. The family will stay together.”

Severus wanted this to be true, but he wasn’t sure if he had enough hope to power this vision. Could he make this dream come true with just…hope?
*

“Ugh.”

Severus Snape looked up at his house in disgust. The paint was peeling off the exterior, the door was hanging off his hinges, the windows were grimy and missing panes, and the whole place smelled of beer and pot. Really, the house was more of a shack than anything else. An extremely dirty, disgusting shack.

It was his father’s fault. While his mother was out working triple shifts at supermarkets and pawn shops, his father was shagging girls and drinking. He never kept up with the housekeeping, and when Severus offered to clean, his father always responded the same way: “I’ll get to it later.”

He never did.

Perhaps this was another reason Lily didn’t want to marry him. She probably thought that they would live in the same house. Or something similar to it.

'Stop thinking about Lily!’ another, angrier voice in his shrieked. ‘She’s not coming back, so SHUT UP.’

“You shut up,” Severus muttered to himself, just as his father, Tobias Snape, stumped out on the porch.

“Eh there, what did you jus’ say?” Tobias grunted suspiciously. “Did you jus’ tell me to shut up?”

Severus didn’t answer. He merely walked up the steps and pushed past Tobias. Tobias raised his eyebrows.

“I asked you sumpin’, boy,” Tobias slurred as he stepped back into the house. “Now, are you gonna answer me, or am I gonna have to give you a beatin’?”

Severus felt anger pulse through him. Don’t hex him…don’t hex him…you can’t, you’ll get-wait a second! You’re of age! Curse him into tomorrow. DO IT!

Severus whipped around and pulled out his wand. “Father, you had better watch your step. I can legally do magic now. So don’t you dare talk about beating me. ‘Cause I will jinx the crap out of you.”

Tobias cackled. “Yeah right, you little bastard! The day you curse me is the day God condemns you to hell.”

“He only sends sinners to hell,” Severus remarked snidely, and with that, he swept up the stairs.

*

The moment Severus stepped on the landing, he heard moaning. Actually, it was more like hoarse gasps. They were coming from his parents’ room, where his mother probably was. Severus took a deep breath. “Let’s go cure the only other woman I’ve ever loved,” he whispered.

Moving quickly, he opened the door and stepped inside. And what a terrible sight he found.

His mother was lying in bed, her face paper-white, her mouth covered in blood. Her eyes seemed to be sinking slowly inward, and she seemed to have lost several pounds. Her thick black hair, usually well-kept, now looked straggly and filthy.

“Mother,” Severus breathed, his heart pounding hard, his blood cold. “Look at you, you look horrible. Oh, what has Father done to you?”

His mother just coughed a hacking cough in response.

Severus put his head in his hands. This would be harder than he thought. “Oh my goodness, how am I going to make you better?”

Suddenly, there was a thump-thump-thump as Tobias walked up the stairs. The landing creaked and his father appeared in the doorway.

“Eh, what are you doin’ in there?” Tobias asked, his squinty eyes widening. “Get outta there, boy! There are germs in there.”

“I have to help Mother-“ Severus began, but Tobias cut him off. “No, you ain’t helpin’ yer mother. Yer helpin’ me make dinner. Now get downstairs and don’t come in here again.”

“But Father, Mother is going to die!” Severus protested.

“Exactly. Now go downstairs and get an apron on. I want chili.” Tobias pushed Severus out onto the landing, then followed, closing the door behind him. “Don’t disturb yer mother again. She needs to die in peace.”

Severus gaped at his father. “What? You mean…you want Mother to…to just….die?”

Tobias nodded. “Yeah, I don’t really care one way or another. Plus, I met a lady las’ night at the bar. She’s freakin’ beautiful! And she’s single. Once the witch here dies, I’m gonna propose to her. Already shagged her, so I might as well.”

“Father, do you hear yourself? You want Mother to die! And then you’re going to propose to some…some…some slut from the bar?! How could you be so insensitive?” Severus sputtered.

“She ain’t a slut, you bastard. If anyone’s a slut, it’s yer mother. She was shagged fifteen times before marryin’ me, y’know. We ain’t all virgins.” Tobias took out a wad of tobacco and stuck it in his mouth. “Yup, fifteen times yer mum’s been shagged…fifteen times…”

“That’s a lie!” Severus felt his face turn bright red with anger. “She’s a saint. Better than you, anyway. You’ve shagged all of England.”

Tobias grinned wickedly. “When yer as old and useless as I am, you need to get your kicks somewhere. Some men golf, others work, and I…I go out with girls. Speaking of which, where’s the pretty lass yer so smitten with? I haven’t shagged her yet-“

“DON’T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH LILY, YOU BASTARD! DON’T YOU DARE! YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE BUT HER. SO DON’T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT! DON’T!” Severus whipped out his wand and pointed it at his father’s heart. Anger, as he had never felt before, surged through his veins. He had to kill the disgusting man that stood before him. How dare he speak of such things?

Tobias chuckled. “Calm down boy. She ain’t pretty enough. I like ‘em a bit bigger, if you know what I-“

His words were cut off as he sped into the air, flipped over, and hung there like some human chandelier. Severus glanced up at him, smirking. “Don’t ever talk about Lily like that again.” And he walked away to the sound of his father’s swearing.

*

Severus sat cross-legged on the floor of his room, his Advanced Potion-Making book lying open before him. His scales and ingredients sat on his right, while his cauldron dangled over a blazing fire. Sweat trickled down his face, stinging his eyes, making him burn up. 'Just a few more pages, I’m sure there’s an antidote here somewhere…'

But there wasn’t. Severus flipped through the whole book once, twice, three times and found nothing. There was no antidote for tuberculosis. There was no hope anymore.

'There has to be hope!' he thought fiercely. 'It’s all I have left. Mother’s fading fast, Lily’s gone, and…I need to know that there’s something left for me here.'

But how in the name of Merlin would he find it?

*

'Thank God for libraries.'

This is the thought that passed through Severus Snape’s mind as he entered the local library on the corner of Spinner’s End. Hopefully there would be a computer there that would give him the cure of tuberculosis.

He walked through the dirty doors into the main room. A large counter occupied half of the perimeter, and a familiar-looking red-haired girl stood behind it. The rest of the perimeter was covered in shelves, those shelves in books.

Severus scanned the room and finally found the section he was looking for: Medicine. He smiled hungrily and began to walk towards them, but as quick as a wink, the girl grabbed him from behind and whirled him around.

“Where do you think--Severus?”

“Lily?”

Severus felt himself go red as he stared down at Lily Evans, who was gaping at him. 'Well, this is just fantastic,' the snide voice in his head muttered. 'Now she’s back, and you’re going to beg for forgiveness like the pathetic weakling you are.'

“Severus, um…what are you doing here?”

Lily’s abrupt question quieted the voice. Severus cleared his throat. “Um, I just, uh…wanted to look at the, uh, books. What are you doing here?”

Lily tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, looking incredibly uncomfortable. “I’m working here. I need to save up enough money to buy a house for James and me.”

“You’re going to live together?” Severus asked in a strangled voice. Oh no…oh no…that must mean that they’re…but they can’t!

“Yeah, of course are,” Lily answered slowly, her eyebrows raised. “Why wouldn’t we?”

“Well, it’s just that, you know, friends live together, which is okay. But when a girl and a boy live together…it sounds like you’re really good friends.” Severus pushed his greasy hair back, feeling very, very awkward. Oh, why does she have to be here? Why can’t some other random girl be working here?

“We are really--,”Lily began, but then she stopped. She stared at him, an expression of pity in her face. “Oh, I guess no one told you.”

“Told me what?” Severus managed to choke out, knowing that it was coming…those dreaded words…

“James and I are getting married.”

Severus felt his lungs shrivel and fall into his stomach. His stomach fell into his feet. His feet dropped off and fell down, down, down into the fiery pits of Eternal Damnation. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t breathe. He could do nothing but gape at Lily.

Lily closed her eyes. “Oh God Snape, don’t stare at me like that. I love James, so just…go. Right now.”

Severus shook his head. It wasn’t finished. He had one last chance. He had to have one last chance. 'Here I go,' he thought to himself.

And he took Lily into his arms. She opened her eyes abruptly. “Severus, what are you doing? Get off me! Get off--,"

The rest of her sentence melted onto Severus’ lips as he kissed her, something he had wanted to do from age nine. Finally, he was dream was coming true.

Their kiss lasted about 3 seconds, except it felt like 3 days to Severus. As they broke apart, Lily looked up into his eyes. The emeralds sparkled as she stared through him, right to his pounding heart.

“Go.” That was all she said. And Severus obliged. He didn’t want to see her cry. He didn’t want to see her broken heart, her indecision. He wanted nothing more but to remember her kiss forever. And so he left.

***

When Severus arrived home, he found his father at the bottom of the steps, dragging what looked like a mess of blankets across the room. He felt like he was floating. He had just kissed Lily…he had just kissed Lily…oh, this day was perfect!

“Aye, boy, yer back,” Tobias grunted, bringing Severus back to Earth. “I’ve got some bad news.”

“What?” Severus asked, still trying to clear his mind of Lily’s eyes.

“Yer mother kicked the can a couple of minutes ago, boy. If I get ‘er out quick enough, I can schedule a service for this af’ernoon. Jus’ for the two of us, o’course. It’ll be quick, but yer mum don’t care. Now help me get ‘er out, boy!” Tobias heaved the blankets a couple of inches, then turned to Severus. “Hurry!”

Severus felt his mind go blank. Mother…dead? No. Not possible. Was it? Was she? Had she ever been sick? Had he ever been here?

No. He hadn’t even looked up the cure. He had failed.

Another letdown.