“You’re just as bad as the rest of those Death Eaters, no matter that you claim to be so opposed to them! I don’t know why you don’t just run off and join their ranks now. You’re an abomination to human kind, the way you act like you own the world and you think you have the right to decide who can have a happy life free from torment. You are disgusting! I don’t even know why I bother to waste words on you!”

I managed, with difficulty, to stop my mouth from dropping open from Lily’s obscene accusations. Keeping my cool, I ran a hand through my hair and threw her what I imagined to be a very suave grin. Ignoring her accusations, I replied to her latter statement. “That would be because deep down you know you love me.” I immediately mentally kicked myself; I had used that particular comeback far too many times.

“Ugh!” Lily threw up her hands in exasperation. “You are the bane of my existence, James Potter!”

I kept my (probably arrogant) smirk plastered to my face until Lily had turned on her heel, stalked away, and the scattering of witnesses had thinned somewhat. I turned in the opposite direction and moved as fast as I could without attracting stares, to a smaller corridor hidden behind a tapestry.

Once concealed behind the tapestry, the growing feeling of despair within me took over. I ran a hand through my hair in exasperation. I roamed the castle pointlessly through concealed and less-used passageways, not really concentrating on where I was going, and hearing Lily’s venomous words again and again in my mind, poisoning me from the inside out. I sighed and ran a hand through my unruly hair again before sliding to the floor and resting the back of my head against the cool stone wall behind me. My eyes stung and a single tear slipped down my cheek, which I wiped away angrily with the palm of my hand.

I knew I could never let Lily, or anyone else for that matter, see this emotional weakness. The control she had over how I felt was alarming, and although I knew that her intense annoyance at me was a sign that I did get to her and that she connected with me passionately at an emotional level, it did nothing to ease the pain that she always caused me after our brutal confrontations. The sting of rejection and the feeling of hopelessness that overcame me was too much to bear. Of course, it didn’t happen often that my facade dissolved, as it did now, but sometimes bottling it all up reached its limit and I couldn’t help it.

Although I realised that my arrogance irritated her, it was not something I could change without dire consequences. My arrogance was a natural personality trait, but it tended to be magnified whenever I got into any quarrels with Lily, because it was the only way I could conceal the hurt she caused me and seemingly made her insults bounce off of me like anyone else’s did.

Lily

I was no longer fuming after my quiet solitary time atop the astronomy tower. I was glad that the tower was out of bounds during the day because it gave me somewhere to be when I needed to calm my temper. I had always been more easily fired up than most, but my temper was always worse whenever Potter was involved. How he had the nerve…

I stopped the thought before it manifested into something more sinister and my long and arduous efforts of controlling myself would all come apart in merely a few seconds. Taking a deep breath, I walked through the near-empty halls, my thoughts drifting between various trivial matters, though I knew the attempts at distracting myself were in vain as my line of thought would always be brought back to the same person.

Looking out the windows as I passed, I saw many students were scattered out around the grounds. I was glad the exams were finally over, as the stress made me even more vulnerable to losing my temper, especially when it came to Potter. Most of the students were outside relishing the end of exams and enjoying their last few days at Hogwarts before the summer holidays. Therefore, I was caught by surprise when upon entering a dark and much unused passageway I nearly tripped over a figure sitting huddled on the floor. Coming to a stop before running into the person, I peered down and recognised from the shock of jet black hair that it was Potter. Upon realising this, I automatically took a few steps back; he really did repel me.

It really was just my luck. To meet him again, alone, so soon after arguing with him was the last thing I needed.

He did not look up at me, but I realised that he recognised who I was, as he greeted me with a hollow, “Hullo, Evans.”

James

With the Wizarding World on the very fringes of all out war, I had been brought up to show a brave face and to keep what may be called ‘weak’ emotions hidden from public view. I knew that there was nothing wrong with tears, that they were a completely normal human mechanism; but I also knew that it was not wise to let anyone see that they had any effect over me, which would coincide with having the upper hand in any sort of confrontation. That part I had mastered, but I had no experience or prior knowledge about how to handle it if I got caught out. This I realised now too late.

I was furious at myself for letting Lily see me in this state, and I screwed my eyes shut.

An uncomfortable silence grew between us, me still sitting with my back against the wall and Lily standing awkwardly nearby. I, still undecided about how I should act, would not meet Lily’s eyes.

Lily

My mind was reeling.

Was he really... crying?

I did not know what to think. Every preconception I had had thus far about James Potter was being turned upside down and inside out.

Maybe he wasn’t crying at all and I was just jumping to false conclusions...

Try as I might, I could not fool myself. There could be no doubt that he had been crying. It was obvious from his posture and silence and how he kept his eyes averted; and the way he pinched the bridge of his nose to stop tears from coming. When he eventually did give me the courtesy of meeting my gaze, the expression on his face was clearly meant to be calm, but I could see straight through his façade.

“Er... are you OK?” I asked uncertainly. I didn’t know what else I could say. I was too shocked by my realisation that James Potter was indeed human, with real feelings and real emotions... and the ups and downs that came from having such things. He gave me a queer look, as if he expected me to have picked up on the fact that he was not as he usually was when we saw each other, that this was far from one of our normal encounters.

“Erm... right... that was a stupid question... what I meant was... what’s wrong?” It felt foreign to me to be showing any sort of concern for him. The same way I had imagined it would feel for him to actually give a damn about his peers. The hypocrisy of it hit me so hard my breath caught in my throat. Here I had been, all of these years, being what I had thought was kind to my fellow peers, and doing what I thought was right and just. Seeing that Potter had seemingly the opposite intentions to me, I had ridiculed him, reprimanded him for doing the very things to their peers that I had been doing to him all along. I had failed to see that here was just another human being in the world who had a heart and feelings, cares and worries.

James

I was delaying in my answer to her question, not entirely sure of how to answer, but I did not miss the stunned expression that came across her features briefly before she gained control of it and reproduced her look of kindly concern that she reserved for all of our peers but never for me. Even now, it looked forced.

“What’s wrong?” I repeated the question as if it were greatly intriguing and then sighed. “There are many things that are wrong in this world...” I murmured and averted my eyes again.

Lily

I sensed that James was being vague and avoiding the question rather than being wise or quirky. Realising that I’d been talking down to him, I sat beside him on the hard stone floor and tried to catch his eyes, but he was pointedly still not looking at me.

Deciding that it was pointless to beat about the bush, I somewhat bluntly said, “You’ve been crying.”

He didn’t respond, or if he did at all it was nothing more than perhaps becoming tenser.

“Why?” I formed the word softly, soothingly, and leaned in towards him slightly to enhance the effect of my voice. He would not be able to resist opening up to me; few people did when I became like this.

As I had predicted, he turned his head to look at me, if only briefly. He turned away again and sighed in resignation. “What’s it to you?”

I was not perturbed by his apparent coldness. I did not doubt that it came out of sheer irritation at me for forcing an answer out of him with my mere wheedling.

“You know me well enough to know that if I see a fellow student in need, then I give my very best efforts at helping them out,” I said simply, trying to be kind but at the same time not reveal too much emotion. It was proving a most difficult task, but conversing with Potter had always been dangerous waters.

“I also know you to be damn vindictive,” he muttered, staring at a point on the wall in front of him.

I felt my eyes widen. “Do you mean to say... that you’re upset... because of me?” I could not quite disguise the alarm in my voice, and it rose ever so slightly in pitch.

“Now who’s being arrogant?” Potter said sarcastically, with more clarity in his voice than in his previous mutterings.

“Answer the question, James,” I said in a low, serious voice.

I had never bothered with giving him the simple courtesy of addressing him by his first name, and it seemed that by doing so now, even accidentally, I would succeed in getting answers from him.

He glanced at me again very briefly before answering through clenched teeth, a simple “yes.” His voice was so quiet I barely heard it at all, but I did not doubt that I’d heard him correctly.

There was silence again for a few moments, until I broke it. “In that case, I am sorry,” I said stiffly. “I guess this is about my hypocrisy, then?” This would be very hard for me to say, as I was stubborn by nature and no less because it was James Potter I was talking to. “I’m sorry that I haven’t treated you... like every other human in this place.” He glanced at me with his brows raised in incredulity, and I grimaced.

“That was unexpected,” he murmured.

I was still finding it very difficult to see him in a positive light, because although I had admitted my fault, he had said naught of his own. I realised that it did not matter to my own life so much whether he did or did not see his ideas as wrong, because I had seen the error of my own ways and resolved to change them. I stopped this train of thought before ideas of superiority wound their way into my mind.

James seemed to guess the general path my mind was on, because he next asked, “When was the last time you saw me bullying someone?” When I shot him a quizzical look, he shrugged casually. “I’m curious... answer the question,” he said, mimicking my words from before.

I frowned as I thought back to times when James and his friends had picked on their innocent peers for nothing more than entertainment. I could not stop my jaw from dropping when I came to the answer.

“But that was... a year ago,” I said in shock. Memories of this event were particularly vivid in my mind because it had resulted in my estrangement from Severus. Forcing my mind away from thoughts of Sev’s treachery, I watched James as he bowed his head for a moment and then looked back up at me, unable to keep the grin off his face in response to my amazed expression.

I bit my lip. I could hardly believe that not only had I been blind to James’ humanity, but also the fact that he had grown up before me and had already begun to correct his wrong doings. I blushed with embarrassment and guilt to think that for the whole year I had been hostile towards him when he had been far from deserving of it. Also, if I had overlooked these matters, then what else was there to James that I had failed to see?

Startled but also motivated by the intense look that was now in his eyes, I ventured forth another question. “So... why does what I say bother you so much?”

“I could ask you the same question, you know,” he said with brave cheek. “You already know the answer... It’s not what you say, so much. But you get to me when very few others do, because...” He hesitated. “This is very difficult to put into words, so will you please promise not to lose it and start raging at me when I try to explain it?”

I rolled my eyes but promised anyway.

“Well... it’s because I...” he swallowed. “I feel certain things for you... that... well, it would be wonderful if the feelings were reciprocated... but... hmm... it’s very difficult... The simplest way to say it would be this: I like you... a lot. I guess that’s the best explanation I’ve got. I don’t go and have a cry every time you yell at me, you know. It’s more to do with... when I lose hope... and I feel as if no matter what I do, things won’t change between us... and the thought of that alone is enough to make me feel depressed.”

I was a little taken aback by this. I knew I shouldn’t be, really, but in the past it had been hard to know what to believe when it came from James. My face burned, and I had to force myself to meet his eyes, while every other instinct was telling me to look away. “Why?” I whispered the question. “Why do you like me? It makes no sense.”

James shrugged. “I don’t understand the way the heart works. I only know what I feel. Must there be a reason that we feel particularly attached to one person but not to another? I know that I think you are beautiful, not to mention courageous and kind and loyal and all the rest of it, but I don’t know why I think these things, or why I find such qualities attractive in you.”

I shook my head. “This is insanity!”

To my surprise, James shot me an amused smile. “That is one way to explain it.” I found myself smiling with him; it was infectious.

Silence grew between us again, and James looked away from me. Neither of us smiled anymore. I realised that it was now my turn to speak. He had confessed his feelings to me, and now I had to either say that I was sorry that I could not return his feelings and that I hoped it would not cause any more unpleasantness between us, or that I did feel something for him as he had so wished. After years of being so stubborn and sure of my answer to this question, and then to have everything I knew about James turned upside down, I was now uncertain as to what was right. Obviously, I did feel something for him, else he would not so easily be able to irritate me and infest my mind like a parasite; but I could not be sure of how deep that feeling went, or of its exact nature.

I knew that I could not put it off forever, and one day soon I must give him a straight answer, but I could not face that moment right now. Desperate for an escape from the situation, I stood up and cleared my throat. “Well, I am glad that we have come to this new understanding, James. Hopefully next year things will be easier for both of us.” He had joined me standing now, and I gave him a small smile as we both reflected on the past years of naught but conflict between us. I could not help but notice the slightly disappointed look that crossed James’ face as I said all this. “Er... I guess I’ll see you around, then.”

James

I nodded as she walked away from me. “Yeah, see you around, Lily,” I muttered to her retreating back.

As far as I could tell, Lily did not think of me as weak after seeing me crying. Indeed, it seemed as though she was a lot less adverse to me now that she had seen that I was capable of feeling low. Who would have thought it?