Strawberries

I don’t know when or why Astoria started visiting me. I think it started about half a year ago, when she ran into me in London. I was only there to see Blaise, before retreating back to my cottage in the countryside. But I ran into her on the street and she said something along the lines of Oh Hello Draco, It’s Been So Long, and I didn’t really know what to say, so I only stared at her blankly. Staring at her was a good idea, because somehow, Astoria had become beautiful. Her brown eyes had grown wide and her dark hair was waist length now, and all silky and wonderful, and I really just wanted to run my hands through it, but instead I said Hello, Astoria, How Are You?

“Oh, I’m fine,� she said. “I’m living at the family estate now, all alone, though, because you know Daphne’s here, in London, and mum- well, I suppose you heard.�

I had heard and I told her that I had been Very Sorry to hear about her mother’s death, which was sort of a lie, because I had only met her mother once, and she been very unpleasant and I honestly didn’t really care about Lydia Greengrass, but does that really matter?

I don’t know how it happened, but suddenly she had me sitting in the local coffee shop, drinking hot chocolate and telling her everything that had happened to me since we last saw each other. I ended up telling her that I was living in a cottage in the country and that I spent my days doing absolutely nothing, but I’d acquired a dog, which kept me company.

“That’s simply awful, Draco,� Astoria told me sincerely. “That sounds utterly boring. I’ll have to come visit you at some point.�

“Don’t worry, Agamemnon makes sure I’m not lonely.�

But she only shook her head and told me to expect her any day.

So I did. And one Tuesday she suddenly knocked on my door ridiculously early in the morning, waking me up from my precious sleep, and Agamemnon barked and I yawned and finally she opened the door herself and told me that the entire cottage was an Absolute Mess.

*

I had to start visiting him. The visits started partly out of pity, and partly out of loneliness on my part. I was fresh out of Hogwarts and had nothing to do. I wanted to go to University and major in Human Transfiguration, but I had to spend a year at home, tidying up the old place, because mum had left it in such a state. But I was constantly counting the minutes till I could pack my things and leave for the bigger things in life.

Then I found out that Draco Malfoy practically lived next door.

I was appalled when I first entered his little cottage. The dog was a big hound of some sort, and there were clothes and food and books all over the place. Draco insisted that he had a system, but I couldn’t see it, so I immediately started tidying up.

I showed up every Friday from then on, just to tidy up. But tidying turned into talking and then I started visiting him every other day, just to talk.

*

She is always coming here, telling me to Get Up and to Get A Job and to Do Things and Stop Sitting Around, and although I prefer to be left alone, it’s nice to know that someone cares. All the other people who used to care – who are actually supposed to care about me, somehow stopped doing just that. She’s annoying, I think, but when she keeps on rambling about something stupid, like my books all over the floor, I just zone her out and concentrate on her beautiful silky hair for a few moments ‘till she interrupts me with Are You Even Listening To A Word I Am Saying? To which I can only honestly answer No.

Astoria scowls at me. “If you want to get your life in order you should really learn to clean up by yourself. Oh, and you should get a job. I heard that the grocery store is looking for new employees-�

“But that’s a muggle store!� I cry, appalled.

“So what?� she counters. “At this point, any kind of job is a good one where you’re concerned.�

“I can’t work for a muggle,� I tell her seriously. “Besides, I have money. I’m fine.�

She sighs, rolls her eyes and gives me a look that clearly says Honestly Draco. “I know that you don’t need the money,� she says exasperatedly, “But you do need something to keep you occupied.�

“I have plenty of things to keep me occupied. Did I tell you that I’m working on a novel?�

“A novel?� she shrieks. “Ugh!� Astoria storms to the door and opens it. “I’ll see you on Thursday,� she finally adds calmly before banging the door behind her.

I suppose I have to write a novel now.

*

“It annoys me how you can never sit still,� I tell him, everyday when I come to see him. Can’t you see that the rest of us sit quietly and read books, talk to people and do plenty of other things without constantly fidgeting and moving around all over the place? It’s a trait that I recognize in you from Hogwarts, I remember how you never sat still, especially in the library, Madam Pince didn’t like that very much, but you didn’t really care, did you? Oh, and that’s another thing- why don’t you ever care? You don’t seem to care that you’re out of work and broke, you don’t care that much about being nice, kind and friendly, but at the same time, you don’t care enough to go out of your way to be mean. And apparently you don’t even care that much about me, which annoys me the most, to be honest, but of course I’ll never tell you that, because then you’ll just laugh in my face and then I’ll go all red, and you’ll laugh harder, and I’ll wish that I could just die or sink into the floor or something like that.

So instead I just keep quiet and keep my eyes away from your lips.

*

Stupid Astoria, coming here, telling me what to do. Why does she have to care anyway? It’s easier when no one cares, because then you don’t have to worry about caring about them, too. But when Astoria cares about me, is almost fond of me, I have to like her too. Maybe it’s because she’s the only girl I’ve seen in months. Maybe I just really need to get laid. But when I look at her I don’t think about getting laid. Looking at Astoria makes me think about her long silky hair, doing something with my life, long summer afternoons outside, dancing in the moonlight to a song only we can hear and strawberries – yes, especially strawberries, especially strawberries after that episode in the garden that we don’t talk about but it occupies our thoughts all the time anyway.

Astoria is always talking about the Meaning Of Life. And not only the Meaning Of Life, but also the meaning of other things, like the war, family, love and friendships. I only believe that We’re Here and Oh Well, What Can We Do About That and so on, and we might as well Make The Best Of It, but Astoria apparently believes that we’re all here for a reason, because we’re destined to do something, something big or small, like Harry Bloody Potter being alive to destroy the Dark Lord and all that nonsense, and the Healers at St. Mungo’s being around to save all our lives and my father being around to make everyone in his presence miserable. I think that Astoria thinks that her mission in life is to bring me out of my so-called misery and make me a functioning person again.

I really think that all of this is some nonsense and that Astoria should become a Seer, because only Seers, like that old bat Trelawney, say crap like that and take it seriously at the same time, but sometimes- sometimes, when it’s cold and dark at night, I suddenly wake up and start thinking Why Am I Here? What Is The Point Of My Life? And I realize that I don’t have an answer, and I bet that no one does, and it’s actually quite frightening, so I just turn over on my other side and pretend that it never happened and go back to sleep. I never tell Astoria. I only tell her that all her philosophies are stupid.

*

Draco once told me that he loved strawberries so I went out and bought a whole lot, because I would never pick them myself and get my clothes all dirty. I brought them to him and we sat outside in the sun and ate strawberries until our hands and lips were all red and sticky. He leaned over then, and kissed me, quickly, sweetly, and I barely even registered it before he pulled away. All I remember is the stickiness and the slight taste of strawberry his lips left on mine.
Although the taste may have been there in the first place. He winked at me and I blushed and he said, “I really love strawberries,� and neither of us has ever mentioned it, because we are the sort of people who get embarrassed by talking about kisses and strawberries and nonsense out on the grass under the sun. So right after the kiss, when all the strawberries were gone, he lit a cigarette and offered one to me, and we sat in silence and smoked while I wondered what this meant, and Where We Were Now, but then realized it didn’t really matter, because I would love him till he loved me.

*

I’m afraid that this time, I’ve really fucked things up with Astoria. She came to my house at five in the bloody morning crying and sobbing and howling and screaming, with tears mixed with snot all over her face, telling me that she was scared and sad, but she wouldn’t tell me what it all was about, so I searched for a tissue, because I was sure that they were under the green armchair, but they obviously weren’t, and they weren’t behind the funny book about the gorilla in the library either, so Astoria got all pissed, and told me to Get My Own Life Together before Trying To Fix Hers and stormed out of the house, and all I could do was punch the wall and wonder why I didn’t just Accio those damn tissues. Oh, Astoria, Astoria, Astoria. When will you realize that I Love You, and that I Actually Do Find You Tolerable and that I’m Sorry For Annoying You So Much, But You’re Really Funny When You’re Angry. Come, just come back, and I’ll tell you all these things and more and I’ll do anything you want, especially if you feel the same.

*

I’m being Loud And Disgraceful in the library, have thrown myself across the carpet in front of the fire and crying so hard that my throat feels sore and aches. I don’t know why I’m crying, but there is a good reason for it somewhere, I just haven’t found it yet and I’ll keep crying ‘till I find it. I know of several reasons to cry, like the fact that I’m eighteen and all alone and that my sister is too busy with her wonderful life to write to me and that I just really want to go to university, but I can’t, oh, and by the way, my mother is dead, which I know was almost a year ago and that Time Heals Pain, but it really doesn’t.

And then Draco is there with his damn tissue that he was looking for, putting an arm around my shoulders, which only makes me cry harder, and I’m sort of embarrassed about having snot everywhere, and my face is probably blotchy.

“Astoria, it’s just me,� he whispers, tickling my ear, and I force myself to stop crying so hard. “What’s wrong?� he asks. I’m about to tell him that I Don’t Know, when I look straight into his grey eyes, and realize that I’m frustrated with him and that I still love him anyway.

“I kind of sort of love you,� I tell him awkwardly through my tears. I’m not sure he understands it though, because my voice breaks on the “sort� and the rest comes out in a sob. He chuckles though, which I think is cruel, and then he holds me tighter, and kisses the top of my head, and I know that everything is alright, and that he loves me too, although he won’t say it, and that he thinks about the strawberries all the time too.

Draco confirms all of this by kissing me on the lips despite the tears, the snot and the entire mess on my face and inside my heart. He kisses me anyway, ‘till we fall asleep.