The door shuts behind me with a ring of the bell, and the chill outside hits me hard. Shivering slightly, I hug the greasy fish and chip papers to me, hoping they’ll transfer to me just a little of their warmth.

Trudging down the street, I look down, away from all of the men and women bustling about, going home from work, looking forward to seeing their respective spouses and children again. I don’t want to get home really, though. I think I’d take the cold over that.

The waft of fish and chips fans across my face strongly, in an unexpected gust of wind, and my mouth waters. My stomach growls at me; I’m so hungry that, in that second, the idea of home seems almost appealing. Except it’s not, because he’ll be sprawled across the couch now, groaning after his backbreaking day of work.

Stupid Muggle.

Resolutely, I walk a little faster, my feet sliding on the wet cobbles a bit. At least if I see dad now, I get it over with. I don’t want to think about him though. No. Why would I want to entertain thoughts of the foul git? Every time I blink and he’s in my head, all I see is that blinding blood red. The colour will flash across my eyelids, and sometimes I can even feel it sliding – trickling – down my cheeks. I shake my head, attempting to shake the image that has swept over me... It only becomes worse though. Now I see the huge, hairy fist, placing target on my face or vitalities, and the red becomes brighter, more condensed, until it fades to just black.

Hm. The sun will never shine when my dad’s around. He’s a raincloud.

I can see our shack at the end of the road, now. Mum calls it a ‘house’, but it’s too cheap to qualify for that daunting title, I think.

When I step through the front door, mum hurries out of the dingy kitchen, a tea towel balled in her fist. She doesn’t greet me.

‘Severus,’ she gushes anxiously, ‘how much money?’

‘It cost three quid,’ I grumble, going into the main room, and dumping the food on the table. She pushes back her greasy fringe, and follows me, beckoning me to give her the change. Scowling, I hand her the couple of pound left over. Pocketing it in her apron, she strides out of the room hurriedly.

I shrug out of my cloak, and chuck it over the back of my chair, positioned beside the window. Then, I take my portion of the meal, and sit down to eat.

The sound of a chain being flushed vibrates through the room; dad wanders out of the toilet a moment later. Pausing in the doorway, he stares down at me; the cruel smile I know so well settles into the curves of his lips.

‘Severus,’ he snarls sarcastically, scratching his stubbly chin, ‘I’ve missed you so much.’

I meet his gaze, braver than I was last year, last time I was home. ‘And I you.’ My look drops to his torso, where his off-white vest rides up over his bulging belly, exposing his hairy tummy, and stretching the braces holding up his trousers to their utmost limit.

He snorts, and I turn away, staring out at the darkening road. I hear him ease himself into a decrepit armchair – it squeaks loudly, and yet again, I’m surprised it hasn’t yet given up, given way to his weight - and then turn the radio on. A fuzzy noise fills the room; I can’t make out a word of what the Muggles on the radio are saying.

Outside, it begins to rain, and as I fulfil my hunger, I block out the background noises and watch the water trickling delicately down the chilly windowpane. Under my breath, I sigh.

Dad is grunting in tune to a bad song, and I vaguely wonder whether it will always be like this... Will this always be my life? Will I always be stuck here – Spinner’s End – putting up with my father, and following his demands, just to avoid a beating? I’d probably get a beating anyway, just for his entertainment.

I have dreams. A lot of dreams, really.

Number one on my list of dreams: Lily Evans. She dismisses me cheerfully, she sees me as a friend... not even that now. I should give up on her, but there’s always that dormant hope, that desire... I should just give up. But she should be mine. Not James Potter's - I know he wants her. But I knew her first, I loved her first.

Next comes profession: Defence Against the Dark Arts. That won’t happen either, though – I will never teach that subject, or pursue a career remotely associated with it. I will be associated with the Dark Arts though. One day, I will stand with my friends, and join the Dark Lord. Oh, yes. He has the power to terrify people; he holds no mercy for worthless Muggles – he is one of a kind. I will work for him; it is the natural path. That answers one question - I won’t be stuck with my father forever. Being in the Dark Lord’s service will motivate me to finish my father myself.

I shiver again. Could I really kill my father, no matter how hateful a man he is? I’m not sure of the answer, and that somewhat scares me, but it invigorates me, too.

Shaking my head, I finish my food and stand up, grabbing my cloak. ‘I’m going out,’ I call into the kitchen. It’s best if I let mum know I’m not in the house; if I don’t she panics, and grounds me for all of a day. She can’t stand anything longer – she gets uncomfortable around me. And I get uncomfortable around her, too.

‘Okay,’ Mum replies, ‘be back by eleven!’

I nod. I silently thank her for never asking where I am going. Because I never really know, though I generally find the same places. That is, I go where my feet carry me.

The rain is still tumbling down relentlessly, but it is soft, soothing on my exposed face. The droplets cling to my eyelashes, interfering with my sight, so I wipe them away impatiently, bowing my head.

I stomp through the thick row of trees at the end of my road, and hop over the sty into the lane. Cutting across the green, I reach Lily’s front door, and then meander around to the back of her house. The light is shining through the curtains in the front room, so her parents are probably in there, reading the paper, or listening to the radio. Hopefully, ‘Tuney’ is out.

Lily will be in the house, though. That much I am sure of.

Sure enough, light glares from the upstairs window, where Lily’s bedroom is situated. Picking up a handful of small, harmless stones, I hurl them up at the glass. They make a sound like heavy rain, and I know she knows I am here, because the curtain twitches almost instantly.

Opening it, she sticks her head out into the rain. ‘Severus?’

‘Yeah, it’s me. Do you want to go on a walk?’ I ask, sudden nervousness washing over me.

Despite the darkness, I see her narrow her eyes. ‘No,’ she says coldly, ‘I don’t particularly want to go on a walk. It’s raining, and it’s you.’ She goes to slam the window closed.

‘No!’ I call out, before I can stop myself.

She pauses, and breathes, ‘What do you want, Sev?’

‘I want you to walk with me.’

‘Yeah, I got that. Why do you want to walk with me?’

‘I want to talk to you.’

‘Well, I don’t want to talk to you.’

‘Please, Lily. I... I just...’ I search for the right words.

‘You just what?’ she asks impatiently after a moment.

I look up at her pleadingly. ‘I... need to talk. To you.’

‘Why? To give me more apologies?’ she asks sarcastically.

‘Lily...’

She rolls her eyes. ‘Fine, I’ll walk with you. Half hour at most though, okay?’

I nod, fighting the smile that threatens to surface.

‘I’ll be down in a moment.’

This time, she really does slam the window shut. I sigh, and allow a brief grin to myself. Inside the house, I hear Lily tell her parents she is going out, and then she is clambering onto the doorstep, slamming the door behind her. Barely glancing at me, she makes her way towards the garden gate.

I follow; she is clutching her coat to her body tightly, and her face is set in a hard glare, though she refuses to look at me directly.

We walk in silence for a minute, the rain falling softly around us, before she just stops. ‘Look, what do you want?’ She shakes her head. ‘Why are we just walking? No talking? I thought you wanted to talk? It makes me uncomfortable.’

I stop beside her, and cock my head to the side slightly. ‘I just... wanted to walk with you. I just went out, and my feet carried me to you. And why do you want to talk to me? Don’t you hate me? You won’t accept any apologies.’

I pray that she will say ‘no’, but instead she just shrugs, and begins to walk again. Helplessly, I look after her, before running to catch up.

A few more moments pass, and my walk feels fixed - I feel stiff within my own body. She’s right; the silence is uncomfortable, in its own right. But then, unexpectedly, Lily speaks.

‘I don’t know what to think of you anymore, Severus.’ It’s almost a whisper, almost accusing, but I hear her perfectly over the pattering rain, and rejoice at the chance to converse.

Then I realise what she just said.

‘Oh?’

‘You call me names, you... you... You’re a different person until you’re alone. I don’t know you anymore... Did I ever really know you?’

I open my mouth to speak, but I don’t know how to respond when she’s probably right.

‘And now you want to go on a walk with me? The Mudblood? I just don’t understand.’

I know exactly what I want to say now, but my voice freezes in my throat. She carries on while I try to gather my thoughts.

‘Where do I stand with you?’ She’s running a hand through her hair distractedly, not looking at me. ‘Where do I stand with you?’

‘You...’ I break off almost instantly. Where does she stand with me?

‘You don’t know where I stand.’ It’s a statement, not a question.

I look away from her, into the dark, dripping trees ahead. ‘You’re so far away from my world, Lily. I feel so... out of place. I’m so...’ I break off again, at a loss for what to say.

‘You’re so what, Severus? You’re so what?’ she asks impatiently. ‘So selfish, so mean, so... so... uhrgh!’

I stop now, and sink slowly onto a bench at the edge of the path. Hugging my knees, I ask quietly, ‘Is that really what you think of me?’

‘I don’t know what to think of you.’

Taking a deep breath, I try to gather my thoughts. I feel the bench move as she sits down beside me; when I look up, she is perched right at the other end of the seat, regarding the night stonily. I have to say something, so I just spit out my jumbled mess of thoughts, and hope they’re not wrong...

‘Lily, you’re... you’re so popular, and... and beautiful, and I’m just me. We’re in different worlds. You’ve grown up in a household where you’re looked upon with pride, and I’m from a household where I’m the scum on the bottom of my fu- father’s boot.’

She glares at me, too aware that I’d been an inch from swearing. Lily hates the word I was going to say.

‘Keep it. I’m not going to give you any sympathy, Severus! I can’t understand!’

She stands up angrily, and begins to stomp back in the direction of her house. I jump up promptly, and call after her. The words are out of my mouth before I can think of a better way to phrase them.

‘You won’t understand.’

They just hover in the air between us, as she slowly turns back to me. Her face has contorted in hurt, in anger, and, for some reason, that makes me glad. Maybe because she feels my emotion.

‘I won’t understand?’ she asks in response, something dangerous brewing in her tone. ‘I won’t understand?’

‘No. You just rant and rave about how much of a bastard I am, but you don’t pause to think!’ You’re both breathing hard, but neither of you have moved. Angry tears sting my eyes. ‘I just...’ My anger is fading as quickly as it came, though; I can never be angry for long with Lily.

‘You just accused me of not listening?’

I look at her, unsure whether to tell her ‘yes’ or ‘no’, but she continues before I can gather my thoughts.

‘I listened to you for years, Severus. And then, you called me that... that name! How can you expect me to really listen to you? In fact, I’m not sure you’re even listening to me now. We were arguing. For a reason. And now you just basically twist every word I’ve said?’

‘No, I didn’t.’

‘You don’t understand.’

This time, she really does walk away.