I can't believe he said that.

Did he really say that?

Did James Potter really say "I love you"?

James Potter, the bullying, arrogant, toe-rag said he loves me. Why can I not get over that? It's not probable, that's why. He shouldn't love me at all. Why does he anyway? Even if I did, like him that way, we would never work. We fight all the time. How can he say he loves me when we fight? We fight over everything. Now that we have been Head Boy and Girl for a couple months we argue about decisions. Should Slytherins have rounds on Wednesdays or Fridays? How trivial. Why do we fight about that stuff anyway? It's a mystery to me. In the few weeks since he told me he loves me, sometimes he just gives in, letting me win. I wish he wouldn't.

He has changed. I'll give him that. He's not quite as arrogant, he got Head Boy, Merlin knows how. Do I do that a lot? Bring him down? Every time he does something remotely credible or sensitive, I make a joke out of it. Isn't that what he used to do? In truth, I've been avoiding him. I can't face him since he said he loves me. I'm afraid of what will happen if I tell him what I'm really feeling. Maybe he won't love me anymore. I think he has already changed his mind. I swear, I don't think he's cracked a smile in my presence in weeks. And he supposedly loves me; more like hates me.

I would hate me too. Now that I look back, I've been a complete and utter jerk to him for years. He's been trying to tell me, tell me that it's not just a crush he's going through. He won't get over it and yet I just keep pushing him away. I push him farther and farther back, keeping my distance. Why do I do that anyway? I always told myself that I didn't want to be with him, that it was a terrible idea. Now that I'm changing my mind, he's not around.

He hates one of my best friends. Well, Sev used to be one of my best friends. Ever since he joined that completely idiotic group of Slytherins that tail their "Dark Lord" like a bunch of lost puppies, we haven't spoken. Isn't that what James has been telling me for years? That he is no good? That he is turning, well, bad? But, I guess first impressions last a lifetime. My first impression of Sev was good. He showed me that I wasn't a freak, that other people could do magic as well. I will owe him forever for showing me that. On the other hand, my first impression of James Potter? Not so great. What should you think of a person who hasn't had a wand for five minutes, yet decides to hex a bunch of students?

I guess we change over the years. I thought I was too good for the bad boy. The problem is that he's not the bad boy anymore. Now Sev is the bad guy, and James is going to be the hero. He's joining the Order of the Phoenix come summer. Not many are willing. Dumbledore asked me, and I didn't know what to do. That's the reason I was even talking to James to begin with.

You should have seen the look on his face. I don't think I have ever initiated a conversation with James Potter in which I wasn't yelling at him, and well, I guess I never had before. He looked so undeniably happy. It was as though the fact that I was choosing to talk to him was making his whole day better. Does that mean that he loves me? Sometimes I wish he wouldn't because the truth is that I don't deserve him. I don't fawn over him like the other girls, and for the person he is, the one he is with should treasure him. I don't and I wouldn't be able to. I'm not the kind of girl who worships the ground my boyfriend walks on. Does that mean I hate him?

I'm just tired. Sick and tired of being the girl that everyone else envies. "Oh, you're so lucky, James Potter says he loves you. I would die if he told me that." Please. I hate it when people say that to me. How am I supposed to feel about him when everyone else is in love with him? So, he's good looking, and smart and witty and clever? So what if he's brave and says he loves me? Does that mean I should just fall at his feet? Give in after all these years, and go on a date? That is exactly the problem; I don't know. Shouldn't that be enough? For anyone else, just a few of those qualities would grant them a date in my view. But, with James, it's just...different.

If I dated him, there would be so much, pressure. How do you just "date" someone who already loves you? The whole point of dating is to find someone that loves you. Hold on.

Am I seriously considering this? Could I possibly date James Potter? I think I want to. The problem is that I don't think I deserve him anymore. I blew it. I really did. Maybe years ago, without all this history between us, I could have said yes, but now? I have been such a jerk to him. I thought I was better than him, but truth is he is a thousand times better than me. I never let him in. I never gave him a chance. The scariest part? I think I could have loved him.

He is what I want in a guy. But I put up all these walls. Why? Why did I have to do that? Out of a feeling of loyalty towards Severus? He had been right about that too. He had always said that the Slytherins were up to no good, not that he was exactly a saint either. The difference between the two? James' pranks were supposed to be funny. The stuff the Slytherins pulled were meant to cause harm. In reality, I put up the walls so I wouldn't fall in love with him.

So, I guess I screwed up there too. I gave up on the person who is probably the guy for me, just because I was stupid years ago. Is that fair? Fair that because of some stupid decisions I made at fourteen, I don't get my happily ever after? If there even is such a thing. Now that that possibility is gone, I don't know what to do.

He says he gave up. That he was going to leave me alone because I couldn't tell him, someone I hardly knew, that I loved him back. So now, I don't even get a chance? Then again, it is my fault that he doesn't know me. It's my fault that we aren't together. He's been trying for years. I saw him trying, struggling to win my affection, and I just went about life nonchalantly. As if all that effort didn't matter. I never tried to let him in until recently, but now, all my efforts are futile because he doesn't want to hear it. He gave up.

I can blame him for being an arrogant prat; I can blame Sev for making me hate him. But in the end, its all my fault. I've got to stop kidding myself. I can't blame anyone else for this mistake. It's not like when I failed a Transfiguration test and blamed Mary because she took my book. It's all my fault this time. No one left to blame, all the guilt rests on me.

I'm too late. It makes me sick to think that its never going to happen. Deep down, I think I always liked him. But I couldn't ruin my image. My perfect little girl image by dating the bad boy. I was the one always waiting, for him to do something that would make him worthy in others eyes as more than the prankster, more than the bad boy. The day finally came, but now, he says he doesn't want it anymore.

He thinks I haven't tried to make this work but I have. I'm not friends with Sev anymore, am I? I don't protect him anymore, do I? It was for James, so James could see that I had changed, that I was different and that I agreed with him. Sev was no good. End of story.

I tried to let him be happy. When he had his first serious girlfriend, Emma Vance, I didn't try to break them up. Part of me jumped for joy when I heard they were serious. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about falling in love with him because he would never love me back. I wouldn't have to worry about falling into his trap; I wouldn't have to try anymore. He screwed up that plan.

He broke it off with her. A different part of me jumped for joy. He was mine again. He was chasing me. For the first time, I appreciated it. I want to stop wanting to be with James Potter. I want to be able to hate him again, but I can't. He loves me; I can't hate him for that. He doesn't pull pranks anymore, and truth be told, I miss it. He changed for me, but in reality I was the one that needed to change.

I wish he would ask me out, but he shouldn't. He shouldn't love me for all that I have done to him. Even though I've tried to fix it in the weeks since he told me he loved me, I was too late. If he did ask me, I'm afraid I would say no because he's too good for me. He deserves someone that would love him from the start. That person isn't me. He deserves someone that he wouldn't have had to change for, who would have said "I love you" back. We should've been together. Now, it's too late. My efforts failed, I was wrong.

I'm afraid that if I tell him I want to date him, if I just go up and kiss him, that he won't believe me. That makes it hurt even more because now I want to be with him. But, now I'm the mean, arrogant toe-rag for thinking I was too good for a bad boy. I tried to change, but I couldn't. I was too late.

Sorry, James. I tried.