ÒWell, if it isnÕt Albus Dumbledore visiting my book signing! Good man! Of course, I shouldnÕt be so surprised youÕre here, considering Magical Me is the best-selling book in all of England. But you knew that already! Care for an autograph?Ó

ÒCertainly, Gilderoy, but wasnÕt this good lady already in line? I donÕt want to intrude.Ó

ÒItÕs no bother at all! Gladys Gudgeon, bless her, comes to all my book signings. Traveled from GodricÕs Hollow just to see me! She must have a dozen copies of my book already Ñ hasnÕt missed a stop on tour yet! IsnÕt that right Gladys, dear?Ó

ÒAll the way from GodricÕs Hollow? You have persistent fans.Ó

ÒThatÕs ordinary business for me. SheÕs such a fan Ñ arenÕt you Gladys? Ñ that sheÕs willing to wait a minute more! Surely itÕs the same way for you with the fans. I mean, you are the one on the Chocolate Frog cards! How did you manage that?Ó

ÒMy proudest moment, to be sure. Chocolate Frog cards were always my favorite to collect. Alas, my collection is still incomplete! I have eaten countless numbers of Chocolate Frogs over the years Ñ though I do prefer lemon drops Ñ but I have never found the Circe card.Ó

ÒBut how did you get your own card? I mean, youÕve only been a Headmaster and all. Are you friends with one of the managers of Famous Wizard Cards?Ó

ÒLetÕs just say that there are certain advantages to having more than one-hundred years of various magical achievements.Ó

ÒSo you say. . . . Now, who should I make this autograph for? Is it a gift or just for yourself? As well read as you are, youÕve surely seen my previous exploits? Werewolves. Banshees. The whole lot. This new book sort of puts it all into grand perspective.Ó

ÒIndeed. Address it to Pomona Sprout. Her birthday is next week, and I believe she will enjoy this very much.Ó

ÒSproutÕs still teaching at Hogwarts? I remember when she taught me. . . . Of course, I was already top of the class, so there wasnÕt much left to learn! Maybe I taught her a thing or two! . . . HereÕs the book. I signed it with my best peacock quill.Ó

ÒOh, that is quite a fine signature! I imagine you spent years perfecting it. I must say that you really have a flair for dotting the ÔiÕ.Ó

ÒYou really think so? IÕm flattered! Part of my lifeÕs dream is to possess the greatest penmanship. Well, that and produce my own line of hair products.Ó

ÒA worthy goal, IÕm sure.Ó

ÒI knew you were sophisticated enough to appreciate my lofty goals, Dumbledore. Good man! Everyone deserves sleek, full-bodied hair like mine! Some of those reporters at the Prophet Ñ mainly that Rita Skeeter, you know Ñ donÕt seem to fully understand my aspirations. WonÕt you pull up a seat? I can talk and sign at the same time!Ó

ÒIÕm afraid I canÕt because, you see, IÕm on business today.Ó

ÒOh, IÕm hurt! The local newsletter, The Weekly Wizard, hinted theyÕd be by this afternoon. They could have worked up a little piece about the two of us!Ó

ÒHogwarts business cannot wait.Ó

ÒHogwarts business in Devon? If I may ask, what kind of business is that, Sir Ñ er, Dumbledore?Ó

ÒI was hoping youÕd ask, Gilderoy. My business involves you.Ó

ÒMe?Ó

ÒYes, now if youÕd please follow me to the back. IÕve already spoken with the manager and ÑÓ

ÒWait! What about Gladys and all the others? And dear Veronica Smethley? I canÕt just abandon them in the midst of a signing. It wouldnÕt seem right! They can wait a few moments for me to sign your book, but IÕm afraid thereÕll be a riot if itÕs any longer than that! They all made the brave pilgrimage here today to see my award-winning smile!Ó

ÒThis will only last a few minutes. And it will be quite painless I assure you.Ó

ÒButÑÓ

ÒNow, if youÕll please follow me to the managerÕs office.Ó

ÒFine! Fine! But only because this seems dreadfully urgent, Dumbledore. . . . IÕm sorry everyone! I have a brief meeting to attend to in the back, but dry your tears! I shall return to sign more books. And I might even act out my defeat of the Bandon Banshee! Now if youÕll excuse me. . . .Ó

ÒThank you for allowing me to take a moment of your time. The office is in the back, but I fear it smells quite like Stinksap gone awry.Ó

ÒI swear, Dumbledore, this had better be important.Ó

ÒOh, it is. . . . Good, the room is empty as promised. You can take a seat over here, and I will sit behind this desk like so.Ó

ÒMerlin! You were right about the stench. ItÕs like someone set off a whole basket of Dungbombs in here. Oh, you canÕt expect me to sit on that! The chair is covered in, well, I donÕt even want to imagine what that is!Ó

ÒIt only looks like a bit of ink, and you can clean with your wand.Ó

ÒMy what? Oh, my wand! Um . . . oh, I seem to have left it back at the table. Perhaps I should go... er, retrieve it.Ó

ÒThat wonÕt be necessary. Allow me. Scourgify. Now please, sit down.Ó

ÒVery well. It looks clean enough now. CanÕt go around ruining my new robes.Ó

ÒNaturally. Gilderoy, these stories IÕve read about you: they seem extraordinary. Almost unbelievable.Ó

ÒOh! Really? I mean Ñ yes, many people tell me that! ItÕs very Ñ as you say Ñ unbelievable, but you have to believe it! ItÕs the truth! YouÕve got to take me at my word. Lies donÕt make bestsellers, after all.Ó

ÒI see. Since we are away from your adoring fans, I must ask an important question.Ó

ÒLet me guess . . . you are in need of my valuable assistance at your school.Ó

ÒI never expected you to suspect my intentions from the beginning, but ÑÓ

ÒYou need me to rid the halls of a troublesome ghoul, right? I bet thatÕs it! If youÕve ever read Gadding With Ghouls Ñ as IÕm sure you have Ñ youÕll know that IÕm well-versed in the ridding of such fiends.Ó

ÒNo, itÕs nothing like that.Ó

ÒA troll, then? I certainly thought youÕd be capable of taking care of a troll. . . though it can be a little tricky without the correct equipment and advanced knowledge of certain magical arts.Ó

ÒHogwarts does not need any exterminations. IÕm quite lenient with our permanent guests like Peeves. Remember him?Ó

ÒYes, but what does that have to do with anything?Ó

ÒNothing at all. I was merely making conversation. IÕm here to talk about a position at Hogwarts that I need to fill immediately.Ó

ÒA position? A teaching position?Ó

ÒYes. If you recall from your days as a student, IÕve had terrible trouble keeping the Defense Against the Dark Arts post filled. Every year, it seems IÕm looking for a new professor.Ó

ÒOf course I remember! I had seven teachers in seven years.Ó

ÒWell, I was hoping youÕd be willing to take up the post this year. ItÕs nearly September, and I am getting very desperate.Ó

ÒMe? Me! Gilderoy Lockhart . . . a professor! Well, IÕm quite flattered. However Ñ now youÕll forgive me Ñ but the stories from last year make me very concerned.Ó

ÒThatÕs understandable.Ó

ÒYes, IÕve heard that the poor fellow you hired last year actually died while in your service. Died! I donÕt know if I want to risk my neck trying to teach a bunch of teenagers the differences between the wolf and the werewolf Ñ which is quite easy for me to do, by the way.Ó

ÒIf I may clarify, my professor last term, Quirinus Quirrell, was possessed by VoldemoÑÓ

ÒDonÕt say it, man! Oh, I swear you almost made me faint!Ó

ÒI didnÕt expect you would be afraid of the name, especially after all your adventures.Ó

Well, um. . . itÕs not that IÕm afraid, of course. ItÕs just that. . . you canÕt be too careful when talking about thinks like that, Dumbledore! You never know Ñ poor Gladys might be listening at the door. Her poor heart could give out at any moment!Ó

ÒOh, of course. But you are quite right. QuirinusÕ tragic end has made it extremely difficult to find a suitable replacement. Everyone has turned me down, even though I have promised safety. Sadly, I canÕt find anyone brave enough.Ó

ÒBrave? That qualifies everything I do.Ó

ÒI thought as much. Then will you consider accepting my offer?Ó

ÒBut at Hogwarts, IÕll miss out on the second half of my overseas book tour! I might not win the Most-Charming-Smile award if no one outside the classroom ever sees me! You know Witch Weekly has given me that award five years in a row, and I suspect IÕm only a year or two away from the all-time record. IÕve a lot to lose by this proposition.Ó

ÒYes, teaching students can be a sacrifice. However, it does have its advantages.Ó

ÒLike what?Ó

ÒWell, perhaps it will help in your quest to have your own Chocolate Frog card.Ó

ÒReally? You really think that being a professor would help my chances?Ó

ÒCertainly. You can see that I was a professor, and now have my own card. What more proof could you be looking for?Ó

ÒMaybe more than one example!Ó

ÒThink of this as a way to . . . embellish your credentials.Ó

ÒPerhaps. Hmmm . . . A Chocolate Frog card would be quite a feat Ñ I can imagine myself autographing one right now! Of course, IÕd also desire a lasting peace between magic and non-magic people, which I noted in Wanderings With Werewolves. Chapter twelve. I believe youÕre quite familiar with that.Ó

ÒImagine if, even for a year, you changed the lives of many students at Hogwarts. ThatÕs not an opportunity to be wasted, is it? No one else with an Order of Merlin has been available to take up the post. YouÕre my last hope, Gilderoy.Ó

ÒCan you believe IÕm only Order of Merlin, Third Class? I remember a little over a decade ago that Peter Pettigrew earned a First Class award by getting blown up! I donÕt know why people are getting awards for being thick enough not to defend themselves properly.Ó

ÒThat was indeed a tragedy.Ó

ÒThe tragedy was that I wasnÕt there! I would have apprehended that Sirius Black and saved the whole street of Muggles. Sirius Black would have begged for mercy with the mere wave of my wand! Easily done! . . . But enough about me, Dumbledore. This job. YouÕre serious about this?Ó

ÒI would not have dared to drag you away from your ardent fans if I was just having a little fun. Though it would have made for a good joke.Ó

ÒHuh. IÕm surprised that you actually thought IÕd have time for the teaching position. When IÕm not doing book signings, I spend every waking hour adventuring around the world. ItÕs a busy job! However. . .Ó

ÒYes?Ó

ÒWhat better way to share my gifts and experiences with the world than to teach young witches and wizards? Of course, I never needed much helping along Ñ being as bright as I was Ñ but there are surely stragglers that I can help along! They may never possess the wits to drive away a banshee, but at least they can have the confidence to deal with a garden gnome!Ó

ÒThank you for accepting the offer, Gilderoy! Hogwarts appreciates it. IÕm glad weÕve been able to come to an agreement on that. For other business: we need to make sure the students receive their list of book requirements. Do you know what text youÕd like to use for classes?Ó

ÒBooks! Why, yes, letÕs make it my whole collection of adventures.Ó

ÒEvery book youÕve written?Ó

ÒExcept for Magical Me, itÕs sold out almost everywhere.Ó

ÒThat will be very expensive. . .Ó

ÒBut worth every Knut! Will I have my very own office?Ó

ÒMost certainly. And you may decorate it as you please.Ó

ÒGood man!Ó

ÒI donÕt see why not, provided itÕs within reason. . . . Now before I leave, I have one more question of the greatest seriousness, Gilderoy.Ó

ÒYes. . . Headmaster?Ó

ÒWhere ever did you find those periwinkle robes? TheyÕre very striking.Ó